right handling of MIL and DIL relationship

vshnvr & Malliga..
The fact that you're online & posting here means that u accept changes & keep up with pace of this world. PPl who keep up with the pace of this world & its changing requirements shall be able to remain in harmony... however this is no STD rule.
Those who don't want to change or feel what they or their grandmoms were doing was the right thing.. shall be in trbl & also the ones who apply different rules to DD & DIL.

Not all brides are tortured for dowry & not all ILs are left in old age homes... some get a peaceful & caring life ahead.. obv with manageable ups n downs.. but some dont... each home is different & generic rules sometimes dont apply to those homes when ur trying to analyse the instiution of marriage.

Also I completely second ASG on her analysis on clapping hands.. this analogy can't also be applied to a hierarchial relationship where the 2 hands involved in clapping are not having same status in the house..
Also to what u say as - so if one person is calm nd descent there wont be any problem .. now who will decided as to who shud remain calm & decent in a marriage & who will bear to what levels... point it when the tolerance crosses a limit the the person at recieving end HITS back.... this is what upsets the entire setup resulting into friction.

I guess more imp is to know the limits to which you can irritate a person & it all varies from person to person & ensure that u just dont step on that person's tail... else u get a mouthful!!!

 

ASG / SHILPAMA... Total agreement with you ladies:thumbsup
I have been reading this thread for a while thinking of what to reply and I just replied to another thread and thought it would be apt here to so have copied the reply as below....

all MIL are wonderful human beings in their own sphere of family and friends but its when it comes to adjusting to another person (namely DIL) presence in their household, its when due to their own imaginary insecurities, do they change into the 2 horned devil:rant:rant

And the same rule applies for us DIL also to a large extent...
Its only when both the parties work towards this relationship to be a mutually respectful one where each understands their limits and their spheres does this relation become cordial yet caring one.
Please note that I've mentioned BOTH PARTIES... its can't be a single sided effort.
Alot of new age MIL are now taking this turn and I hope 10 years later if a DIL & MIL have problems in their relationship people will be aghast and not accept it as a way of life as it was / is done now.
Till Then
K

 

i dont know how to express my feelings exactly but will try so so...
first of all let me say that i strongly believe in GOD nd blessings of elders...so bef doing or saying anything i will give a second thought to it so that i can choose the one which do not upset others((i believe that this feeling is due to the good deeds of my elders)..but you should brought up much patience for this.

i agree all ppl wont have this patience but surely everybody can develop this if they wish to ...it depends upon the person's attitude...one shoud change his attitude before elders,gurus,parents...we should try to avoid the fights first and lead the way to harmony..once you found a fault in your MIL,you will always see her only thru that angle even though she does right thing.....you see, one's MIL will be at least 20 yrs older than her dil...so try to understand her instead of finding faults in her....if your own mom or teacher punishes,will you react bad with them?in that sense,u will say what they do is absolutely rt...but if MIL or FIL is in that place,the whole problem starts there(actually not starting but creating)...mistakes r common for every individual nd try to imagine it as if we r in their place,what would we feel? we will also be a MIL once nd this will repeat in cycle...so patience shud be developed...in my opinion,no one can keep a grudge on someone who bears it humbly n repeatedly..surely,no human cant be rude that much....

i have seen sulking(long silence) used as a weapon in many families betw mil nd dil....why this silence?is it just to beat the other person...sad,poor DH is sandwiched betw his mom nd wife.....i agree, sometimes there may be dislikes but u may show that anger by being silent for hours nd again u should come back to the normal situation so that they can realize the mistakes...wont be longggggg....who can repeat the grudge ever again?never.. none do like that...in my opinion,answering back is better than keeping silence for ever...talking back will keep us angry just for hours nd we will be normal aft sometime....everyone could feel soooo bad if there is unlimited silence...may be it hurts so much...why should you set such curses in evil form for future...remember they will turn anytime on yourselves....

@asg-clapping analogy(i meant at least one should be there who wants to avoid the fight...always we want a solution for creating good atmosphere..its possible only for the young generation so a dil can take initiative to avoid fight by standing calm..)

@shilpama-(now who will decided as to who shud remain calm & decent in a marriage & who will bear to what levels..)no doubt...the younsters (they r more educated nd humble..see this sloga - vidya vinayasampanna....)shud remain calm nd decent first nd their good attitude should lead the PILs to love them more than ever...as for me,i dont want to be a tough nut ...remember always kids are good listeners who have an eye on us to watch our activities which motivate their personality at their age..so always keep this in mind..

@malliga-i feel like we are on the same boat....the diff is that i dont have so many siblings...we have been living by bearing nd sharing everything in our family though there r many ups nd downs... all impossibles can be changed to possibles if we take a few effort..

life is short nd you must try to make it happiest by living nd sharing with your inlaws nd others nd show our kids as role models as well...

vaishnavi

 

hi friends
some more i want to say here...
first of all let me say that i strongly believe in GOD nd blessings of elders...so bef doing or saying anything i will give a second thought to it so that i can choose the one which do not upset others((i believe that this feeling is due to the good deeds of my elders)..but you should brought up much patience for this.

i agree all ppl wont have this patience but surely everybody can develop this if they wish to ...it depends upon the person's attitude...one shoud change his attitude before elders,gurus,parents...we should try to avoid the fights first and lead the way to harmony..once you found a fault in your MIL,you will always see her only thru that angle even though she does right thing.....you see, one's MIL will be at least 20 yrs older than her dil...so try to understand her instead of finding faults in her....if your own mom or teacher punishes,will you react bad with them?in that sense,u will say what they do is absolutely rt...but if MIL or FIL is in that place,the whole problem starts there(actually not starting but creating)...mistakes r common for every individual nd try to imagine it as if we r in their place,what would we feel? we will also be a MIL once nd this will repeat in cycle...so patience shud be developed...in my opinion,no one can keep a grudge on someone who bears it humbly repeatedly..surely,no human cant be rude that much....

i have seen sulking(long silence) used as a weapon in many families betw mil nd dil....why this silence?is it just to beat the other person...sad,poor DH is sandwiched betw his mom nd wife.....i agree, sometimes there may be dislikes but u may show that anger by being silent for hours nd again u should come back to the normal situation so that they can realize the mistakes...wont be longggggg....who can repeat the grudge ever again?never.. none do like that...in my opinion,answering back is better than keeping silence for ever...talking back will keep us angry just for hours nd we will be normal aft sometime....everyone could feel soooo bad if there is unlimited silence...may be it hurts so much...why should you set such curses in evil form for future...remember they will turn anytime on yourselves....so always keep our mind in peace having love nd respect towards our elders nd believe me,ITS A TRUE FACT,once u will get it back abundantly...GOD bless..

 

I have a brother who is married against everyone's wish (none supported as she was married and left husb without legal divorce and was older to my bro by a decade, she had some health issues for which my brother fell pity and when there was finanical trouble in our house, she had been a moral support to my bro where he was doing part time work). We got to know abt his marriage only when one of his friend came and invited my parents to their own son's wedding a few minutes before the wedding. My brother waited till he cud get his job and once his job was secured he did this... though he knew that he had not taken care of parents till then and my mom was the only earning member. for 2 yrs after marriage he didnt bother anything abt parents. I had just written my 12th exam and jumped into job as mom was shattered by brother's act.

I grew up knowing the pain of a mother when her son leaves them altogether once he marries.

So I was very sure that when i get married i should never think that my DH shd leave his mom and act on my tunes... or stop doing stuff to his parents.
Like wise i also wanted to make sure that I have a good relation with my ILs... Infact I was more like a person who had lived with them for ages.... (though i stayed with them for few days) my ILs used to say that i am like their daughter to all in the world...
But they never stopped pointing out my parents mistakes all the time, but they never said anything against me... FILs greedy behaviour and bad habits put thm into financial misery....
So suddnly my MIL turned everything against me... and pointed out each and everything of my acts as mistakes and that i had taken her son out of her... (as he was not able to give Lakhs and Lakhs for FILs debts)

So what ever the DIL is the insecurity feeling of the MIL does not change at all... She always feels that DILs are home breakers and take their sons away from them. (My experience)

 

I agree. In fact when I first got married, I never even thought of my mil as competition.... I already knew my dh loved me most.... so I never even stopped to think that my mil would think of me as her competitor or try to throw me out of my own home. In fact, I was SO excited for my mil/fil to come here to visit us so I could meet them in person for the first time.... it was MY idea to have them here, not my dh's. So you would think my mil would like me considering how obvious it was that I liked her and wanted to include her in our lives. WRONG WRONG WRONG. Right from the start she was insecure and hateful. I NEVER thought I would have any trouble with my inlaws, because I always thought it would be so much fun to have new relatives to talk to, celebrate with, etc. How wrong I was.

I totally agree Maggi that sometimes a dil can be perfect in every way, and want to include her mil 100%... but the basic insecurity, hate, and posessiveness on the mil's part spoils the whole thing.

 

Ya..Not everybody has a rational thinking..But in the whole issue, i see that Husband has a pivotal role to play..He cannot put his wife in trouble just because he owe's a lot to his parents..Also for mothers thinking that DILs take their sons away pl understand that it is ur son's decision to marry ur DIL and build a new home with her..It is his responsibility to serve his parents and as well to protect his wife..He cannot sit blind when his wife is tortured by his parents..He has to set the rules fair for both his parents and his wife..Coz MIL tries to trouble only when she feels emotionally insecure when the DIL comes home, even severe when the MIL has given a lot of love and affection to her son..Her son should help her do away with her emotional insecurities..

 

Most of the DILs comment on MIL and FIL going for holidays , having a good time , they say that even in old age these people are spending on themselves !They do have a right to their hard earned money !
If PILs are enjoying good health then also they comment ! Sometimes there is no peace even if everyone is living separately.They want religious MILs wearing simple clothes, using no makeup , jewellery !! Ready for an ashram.
But they would not like PILs to invest in old age homes as then they would not get the money !!