right handling of MIL and DIL relationship

Hi malliga,

the MIL / DIL relationship is one of the major issues in Indian families, be it any community for that matter. Everything cannot be generalised. But there are certain things that must be remembered.

An MIL must remember that a DIL is the daughter from another family, who has left her parents and siblings and come to their family. So she must get love and affection and care as much a daughter or a son in their family gets. Those days have gone when the distinction in treating a Daughter and DIL used to be there. If both are treated like family members, the reciporcation of the same would follow.

Similarly, the DIL must also remember that the MIL must receive the same respect, love and care as much as she would do to her mother. If she does that, she deserves to get the same love and care from MIL.

But again, individual cases differ. I do not have a very good experience as a DIL, always felt unaccepted and could not ever contribute any good o the family, even that which I was capable of because I was never taken right for anything. The criss crossing never let me do anything, which I really regret.

 

This is a very dicey topic , most DILs would not like to look after their old ILS but would fight tooth and nail later to get the property , jewels etc. Would they like it if SIL / BIL was named as the only inheritor and Dh left out ? All DILs would of course want their brothers and SILs to take care of their parents lovingly, though they may not do the same for their own ILs. They fail to realise that their parents are SILs MIL and FIL !
OldGold, never thought that a live and let live attitude would mean diluting of family ties. It means that all MILs should keep a tight hold on sons and DILs so there is no question of not getting support in old age !
The youngsters feel that they will remain young forever , will never need their young ones support , but thats not how it works in our society !!
So coming back to the topic , Oldgold has given a very realistic picture , I believe that physically meeting son DIL and grandkids is important , have enough money for old age , do not pass nasty comments on DIL , accept and love her as your own ,but never scold as your own !!!

 

Actually, I think my sil SHOULD be the one to inherit most of my inlaws property and jewels. She is the one constantly caring for them and inviting them over to her house, so I think she is more deserving of whatever items they own. Also, what sentimental value would I have for my mil's jewels? None. Whereas for my sil, her mom (my mil) is like God, so she'd probably cherish that stuff for the rest of life. So really, wouldn't the jewels be better off going to her? I think so.

In terms of property, I feel my dh should be included somewhat, because he gave them A LOT of financial support during the 8 years he lived with them in Dubai. But since he wants to live in US with me, and sil will probably someday want to return from Dubai to India, it makes more sense for her to inherit inlaws home and main property.

I think if a dil like myself wants very little to do with her inlaws, she should not expect a great inheritence down the line. Afterall, just as we prefer to gift things to people we ACTUALLY LIKE while we are alive, it's natural to want our prized possessions to go to the same type of people when we die. My mil hates me, and the feeling is pretty mutual on my side. So I totally accept and respect her decision to leave her personal items like jewels to her daughter. As for property with no sentimental attachment, that's up to them, but I feel a small portion should be left to my dh considering the tremendous financial help he gave them for nearly a decade.

I also have seen the type of people (men and women) who crawl out of the wood work after a close one's death... claiming to be the deceased persons FAVORITE relative in the world and hence deserving of tons of their stuff. That's not right in my opinion. If you hated the pie all these years, keep your fingers out of it when it comes time to divy out the slices. JMO.

 

Oldgold's quote:
Can a non-interfering MIL expect some support from her DIL or son? Does this support come without asking for it? Is it a natural occurence between DIL and her in-laws?
My reply to above:
First ask yourself if you'd supported your on ILs in their end days.. in previous generation ppl simply moved out of the houses on pretext of service & left the parents as responsibility to other sibling (this was the case with my ILs & my MIL never even attended funerals for her ILs)..

Today with 1-2 children this service/ business family concept doesn't apply... no matter what the relationship is .. yes the moral & physical support has to be there from children cos there are not many siblings... now for those who can live together point is who moves into whose house.. I guess here ego should be kept aside & the person in need should move into the other house if the kids cant relocate owing to jobs.

According to me we rush to our parents in case of medical emergency else we consider them doing fairly well cos they knew how to live independently since the begining. How much u'll get in return is how much your child saw you giving... if thats not coming then you have the right to express that this is the way you want it to be.. then leave it to them... If you give moral & physical support without any hidden clauses then I as a person will reciprocate to it.

flowerlady's quote:
most DILs would not like to look after their old ILS but would fight tooth and nail later to get the property , jewels etc. Would they like it if SIL / BIL was named as the only inheritor and Dh left out ?
My stand on this is-- she can give away everything to charity or her DD.. cash / jewels / property / sharp tongue / daily soap politics & can still come to our home empty handed. Whatever I hold today as my possession is out of mine & my DH's earnings/ savings & gold items that my mom gave me willingly & with loads of love... when they fall severly ill... I'll do whatever I can from our maximum combined insurance cover for when my newborn son continued to be in ICU & we'd reached to my allowed limits the family had mutually decided (me as well) to get him home without support system.. so I guess they'll accept this practicality to themselves too... That time also I never expected them or my parents to pitch in any amount (tho my ILs having loads of it & they never offering anything).....

My MIL had infact blasted my parents prior to deliv that u take ur daugh back with you & whatever is spent in marriage & her deliv we'll pay that to you!! Typical soap opera dialouges.
This however was a different case when the doc refused to discharge my son without support system seeing me inconsolable & me n DH somehow managed the remaining & he's doing fine now.

 

ASG, I really like your practical approach in terms of SIL getting property and jewels belonging to her parents. Hopefully someday your ILs will also see your heart of gold and love you for what you are.
Shipama, it pains to read that your ILs did not offer to help their grandson ! Thank God he is fine now. Yes its difficult to forget such episodes but ILs do not see that they are distancing themselves from their own son too by this type of callous behavior.
Thanks Malliga, I have a very nice DIL! Good MILs get good DILs !!!!

 

Flower.. sadly in whatever events that have happened in my life the only distance that was introduced was between mine & my DH relation.. my DH still holds them high & whatever & are getting closer n closer.

My MIL has excelled in art of lying and turning facts & figures to always prove herself right & me wrong in whatever the case be.... since I never had time/ energy & orientation to put blames on her as am strong believer of destiny & her son can't hear anything against her.... she's taken every opportunity to turn my DH against me & blame me for all odds & sufferings.

I still believe that she's being watched & is/will be duly paid. Her biggest punishment according to herself is every single day she lives without her son. MIL & SIL funnily do end up calling me a typical parvati/ tulsi types.. so I really wonder what types do they categorize themselves to... (Tulsi / parvati are the typical submessive roles of hindi soap operas which continued for decades b4 being closed down...) However I still dont believe that I am that extreme obedient or submissive sorts.

 

i always ask myself a querry that is why most of the yougsters always complain abt MILs in this community but no more complaints against DILs..is it shows that the MILs are the only persons who create problems in life???in my view there should have been some faults on both the sides...the sound becomes larger only if 2 hands clap together..so if one person is calm nd descent there wont be any problem..i lived with my inlaws for abt 25 years without having much problems by adjusting ups nd downs...so i dont regret now...so far i have been a MIL for 3 years without complaints of or against DIL.mutual understanding is the only nd best way to achieve good bonding between MILnd DIL..besides,i believe that good deed deposits of both elder family members nd their blessings will save us in having peaceful life...so practise to have good mindset will definitely lead to good relationship even if it may be BIL,SIL,DIL or PIL....once u experience this happiness,you will keep it for all other instances for sure..we have no right to rule anybody but have right to make understand someone without forcing them..just tell nd leave the rest to decide themselves....one can accept it as per their likes..freedom is the tension free factor..if both MIL nd DIL has got good attitudes,love nd enuff freedom, the whole problem flies thru the window on its own way...so practise this 3 factors slowly you will win the race in life ...

 

I hear the clapping analogy a lot, and everyone usually nods their head to it without ever putting enough thought into what it actually means. Because I have thought about it and feel it doesn't make a lot of sense.

Yes, sometimes two people are the cause of a fight. But many times in life, there are situations where one person is the cause, and one person is the victim. For example, there has to be two people for a rape to occur, but it hardly makes sense to use the clapping analogy then, because although it 'took two', one person is obviously the criminal, and the other person obviously the victim. Same thing in a terrorist attack. The terrorist can't stage an 'attack' if there aren't other people around. But, that doesn't mean the victims enabled, caused, or provoked the attack. It just means they were 'there'. So does merely being in the wake of somebody's bad behavior make us just as guilty? I don't think so.

Although a mil's bad behavior with dil can't reasonably be compared to a rape or terrorist attack, sometimes it helps to use black and white analogies to illustrate how a long held belief, saying, or analogy can be proved wrong. And the clapping analogy (as well as the 'two to tango' analyogy) is one in particular that really bugs me, because it alludes to the possibility that it is impossible to have an agressor and a victim.... rather it makes both parties equal in guilt, when in fact they may not be.

Just because you had a decent and reasonable mil, doesn't mean all are like that, and that every dil who has a problem with their own mil is partially to blame. Just as there are rapists, thieves, terrorists, and murderers in this world who act without conscience of their victims, there are also plain out mean mil's (and dil's) who act rude without provocation or reason. So I don't think it's wise to blindly apply a saying that paints everyone as 'equal' perpetrators.

JMO.