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right handling of MIL and DIL relationship

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by malligashivaram, Dec 20, 2009.

  1. malligashivaram

    malligashivaram Gold IL'ite

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    I wanted to start a new thread---- for the benifit of new mother-in-law. Whats minimun rules should a mother in law follow, so that their home continues to be happy comfortable, loving understanding,adjusting, for the daughter in law, to slowly happily mingle with the existing family if not same at least tolerably happy for all the members without much hard feeling. So that a mum stays a mum wife enjoys her new status, son is evergratefuls to the persons who care for him each in a different way but intermingling and contrubuting to each others efforts to form a strong family bond soon enough and reducing the time to get to know each other, and unnesessary heart breaks, and unhappiness.

    I invite all confidant MIL to contribute their experiances no matter how small but effective so that the young and old should not feel as rivals but another mother and daughter relationship at least a surrogate mom and daughter relationships

    i have seen hundreds of families having a very casual relationship of MIL and DIL or a very artificial strained trying to put up with each other as if in the enemy camp or completly cutting off the relationship till the death of each other. Whatever it is please write and help new mother in law and daughter in law'' let the twain meet''

    in our indus ladies shoul be a torch light for all who need our advice but unable to ask...........:drowning
     
    Last edited: Dec 20, 2009
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  2. malligashivaram

    malligashivaram Gold IL'ite

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    Come on all succesful mother in laws and daughter in law post out your dear view i think we will all benift in some waY thanking you in advance
    MALLIGASHIVARAM:hiya
     
  3. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Malliga, am not a successful SIL from my MILs perspective however I feel if I can even manage a platonic relationship with her & rest of her lot then am really successful.. u can read all my posts to clarify doubts if any.

    I have to get back on track since my DH is her only son & he has to take care of them whether they can tolerate me or no.. i have to remain married.

    My minimal expectations from my MIL are:
    1) To zip up her razor knife tongue & stop comparing me with every tom D n Harry as per her convinience & using fowl language against me and my fly.
    2) She has to stop remote controlling my house on what needs to be purchased, whats fit & what not.. since her dear son is her ardent follower & her "simple suggestions" become his lifeline.
    3) She might have her own set of unending frustrations but what I can see myself she's never compromised on anything & lived her life fullest amongst her own fly members.. hence I expect her to have some dignity for me & my parents... and let me have same freedom that she enjoyed... one should preach what they practise... Its v simple for her to expect when she herself has not done anything.
    4) She should stop telling lies for petty reasons just to prove her point & superior to her DIL... am not a baby like her son or daugh who're used to buying her lies every now n then.
    5) She has to try finding happiness if her son keeps his wife in a way her own husb or daugh husb din keep her... she was extremely jealous abu the gifts my DH gave me in 1st & 2nd yr of marr... and told him no one did it neither ur father nor ur BIL so why are you wasting ur money... and since then my DH has not even bought me a hankey.. I can buy it myself but I def like if he would ask me in a mall do you like this or that.
    Today both my MIL & SIL are poured with gifts by their DH now & then but she fails to re-teach her son to start giving goodies to his wife as they themselves have started getting it.

    When we were in process of buying house she simply said ur FIL was so useless I had to start life in room equiv to the servant's quarter of this apt... my DH just dropped this deal.... she actually married my FIL thinking that he'll live forever in her mom's house.. only when they couldn't get along with her own SILs post delivery... they forced her out & for that period they stayed as PG in a dingy room barely for a month till her dad bought her a flat....................

    6) She has to maintain a safe distance so that this relationship doesnt get rotten to core!!!!!!!!!!!
     
    Last edited: Dec 22, 2009
  4. malligashivaram

    malligashivaram Gold IL'ite

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    Dear shilpa thanks for your vivid reply it had nearly all the QUALITIES THAT A MOM IN LAW SHOULD NOT HAVE.
    MIL should be non-interfering not until absolutely necessary, she should be polite and loving to her DIL respect her needs, her happiness, which is interlinked with her son's. Her Speech should be soft and firm so that her family will regard her as a wise person, not a sadist or jealous or selfish mother who wants to hog all the love from her children

    Give them space to breathe, laugh, love, make faults, to learn the right and wrong ,according to their life.,

    Remember that you worked so hard to bring up your children but that was the same case with you DIL her parents too equal care to bring up her and give her to your child so that they will sail independently on the journey of life.
    NEVER TO BE JEALOUS of your own children

    practice what you preach your life is different, from theirs so no comparison, if necessary please praise their efforts if necessarry to advise do it as if speaking to your daughter

    all your points have been noted thanks for your detailed answer it is really an eye opener for all all your point should be noted down by one and all thanks again
     
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2009
  5. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi Malliga.. thanks for taking these on a positive note.. sometimes I get just too negative about my experiences that I might end up sounding highly disgruntled.

    My ILs had multiple properties which they sold off just a month before our marriage at throw away prices (as compared to 4times increase in value of same property within 2 yrs) to ensure that we dont end up living separate from them.. I dont know why was so much of planning done.. .doesn't it lead to more misunderstandings & convey of pressure? I know there are all types of ppl & maybe some real devil DILs who robbed their ILs of everything & threw them out on street but aren't there sobre ways to hide your fears & insecurity?
    Also they made me sign on several papers for investment/ property soon after my marriage.. which till date am not aware & had v less guts to question my STIFF FIL. Even if they invested somewhere in my name shouldn't I be aware of?

    Even tho we stayed in different city they wanted our returns to be filed by their CA.. I simply dint like that flavour since I myself goto IT dept to file my returns.. it offended them to a great extent ..But then I couldn't just go via their CA.
     
  6. malligashivaram

    malligashivaram Gold IL'ite

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    HI SHILPA you did not sound disgruntled it is a part of us trying to fight for our rights,to be recognized as a part of the big family not like a woman trying to snatch all and everything thing from the in law, they should have respected you consulted you, and deposits SHOULD BE shared accordingly, because NOW YOU ARE THE FAMILY ,

    SILLY BEHAVIOUR BRINGS VEMON OUT OF US, we get so unhappy, so insulted, so desperate to make others respect us and share all the problems, share the financial aspects with one and all, not all daughter in laws are without even a heart or pity according to them, so they should not try to solidify their stance at the cost of their children that is not fair ......financial aspects should be spoken and discussed with daughter in laws they are also educated and aware of their family responsibilities, SO SPEAK OUT DEAR INSTEAD OF HURTING INSIDE WITH YOUR HUSBAND FIRST..........MORE SOON TAKE CARE AND BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WORDINGS BECAUSE IT CANNOT BE TAKEN BACK.......:drowning:drowning:drowning
     
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009
  7. amihere

    amihere Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear Malliga very rightly said. This is THE ONE quality every MIL should have rather every people should be careful to give for a lovely relation.
     
  8. sophisticated

    sophisticated New IL'ite

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    Hi Malliga,
    These are the qualities my MIL does not have
    Educte her son to respect women of any age .
    Mil should treat her DIL with respect as she would like to be treated.
    She should let go of her son who is trying to start a new life, only a mom can make it a smooth process. She has been there and should know the grind
    Stop judging her parents, stop crtising her every move, her education or lack of it, silly things which you cannot take with you and go.
    Love her as your own
    (it is easier to catch a fly wih a spoon full of sugar than with a barrel full of vinegar)
     
  9. oldgold27

    oldgold27 New IL'ite

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    Malliga,

    You have started a topic on which there cannot be universal agreement.
    The role of the MIL has been changing through the years as changes in societal values have demanded.

    I appreciate the thoughts expressed by some DILs.

    I am myself a MIL( albeit a reasonably young one) to an only daughter-in-law. So I will try to relate my thoughts and feelings on the subject.

    Our daughter-in-law was my choice (and still is). Our son's was an arranged marriage, he is working abroad and we had the task of finding a good soulmate for him.

    When the proposal came and we met, I just loved her. She is a very pleasant girl and today after their 14 years of marriage , I still feel the same way about her. Of course are relationship has been mainly over the phone calls.

    I consider myself a most non-interfering MIL who does not even try to remote-control her son.We only want to see them happy. What her parents give to her or gave to her is of no concern to me. No expectations of any material gains for us ever. No stress on her of dealing with all the relatives from her inlaw's family.

    So over the years , I have found that slowly and steadily she has gotten used to not considering her in laws.

    The problem now is that we are getting old and someday soon we will need to depend on our children, if for nothing else at least moral support.

    Will that support be forthcoming ? I have my doubts. We still share a good relationship but will they be there for me when I need them most?

    I doubt if this relationship will extend to that stage. I feel the day I start expecting a little more than a polite phone call, I will be in trouble.

    In fact that is a question I would like some DILs to answer for me--- Can a non-interfering MIL expect some support from her DIL or son? Does this support come without asking for it? Is it a natural occurence between DIL and her in-laws?

    Would love to read some responses to these questions. God Bless!!
     
  10. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Oldgold,

    I think those answers are hard to answer because it all depends on how YOU define terms like 'moral support' and 'support', and what your expectations are.

    For you, what does 'moral support' mean? Does that mean you will expect to live with your son and dil in the same house? Or on the same street? Or does it just mean you want them to visit India more frequently when you get old? Or does it mean more frequent phone calls? Or does it mean you want financial support from them? As you can see... there are many ways to interperet 'support', so to better answer your question, maybe you could clarify.

    Interfering or noninterfering, I would not live with my inlaws. Even if they were nice to me, I would still not want to live in the same house as them. As for financial support, I believe it's everyone's own responsibility to save for their own retirement. However if my inlaws could not afford life/death type of expenses then I guess me and dh would have to contribute money. As for calling to inquire how they are, if my inlaws were nice, I would call. But since they're not, I don't. In our case, me and dh are permanently and forever more going to be living in the US. So I guess my inlaws are going to have to latch on to my sil for anything more than occasional visits and phone chats (because that's all they're getting from us). But see, every mil/dil relationship has a different dynamic. The main issues that come in the way of us 'supporting' them is the fact that they are abusive to ME, but also that they live in India and we are here in the U.S. Due to financial constraints we are just not able to visit India frequently, it's as simple as that. We paid for them to come here back in 2007, but even that was a stretch for us to afford. And then there's the issue of even if we had the money, would we want to spend it and our time with people who have made our life such hell? Not really. But like I said, these are just my answers for my particular scenario. For more general thoughts of how I think an AVERAGE dil would react to a NON INTERFERING mil's request for 'support', please explain more about what your expectations are in specific. :thumbsup
     
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2009

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