Return To India For Parents Sake?

Laks09 · Sep 3, 2016

As someone who has moved back and gone through the settling process let me give you some perspective on this. I don't think we moved for the sake of our parents. I wanted to be a part of huge family gatherings at the drop of a hat, taking a train just like that to go see my mom one weekend, living in a big community with kids having umpteen ways to be kids and yet socialize. Life is just much simpler in India. Yet, I was reluctant to move, to give up on my already uncomplicated life, to uproot myself, my career aspirations etc to just go live in India. It worked out very well. We loved it. I hope to do it again someday with my son. Living in India gave my daughter a lot. Things that I couldn't have done in the US.

With parents, you have already been out of the country for so long. They already have their social structure and support system in place. They already have a help system in place. They won't need you as much as you perceive they need you. Moving back to help parents and in-laws is going to set you up for disappointment. The reality is parents and in-laws have moved on since you moved to the US.

In my experience, kids settle in fastest. Men settle in next. We have a LOT of unlearning and relearning to do. It's hardest on the women.

Having the maid/cook/nanny/driver etc really helped but having someone calling you morning, afternoon, evening and night to see why you need the cook, why is it you are out, where did you go with your DH leaving the kid with the nanny etc are all very very annoying. Nobody will question your DH and you have to learn to push back from 100 miles away instead of 10,000. It's a learning process, especially since you have lived on your own accord for quite a few years.

Regarding schools, DD went to a regular CBSE school for the first two years before we moved her into an international school. Hindi/cursive etc are all handled by the teachers. More than half the class is from America, so the teachers worked with us. It didn't take the kid too long. She became a social butterfly in India. The kids call on the intercom, they all go down, play and have a fun time. Next day at school, they talk about what they played at home and it was an added bonus. A ton of kids from her school stayed in the same apt community. Even now, my DD tells me she misses those kids.

Btw, the citizenship, I would wait for it if I were you. What if you have to get back? What will your first child's status be? We had to come back and I'm glad someone coaxed me to get my US Cit before I left. We don't think of all eventualities and I'm glad that friend had the presence of mind to make me get mine.

uk2016 · Sep 4, 2016

@Laks09

I read some older posts of yours about special education. Are there any differences we can see here vs India w.r.t children who need special education or extra care?

Laks09 · Sep 4, 2016

uk2016 said: ↑

I read some older posts of yours about special education. Are there any differences we can see here vs India w.r.t children who need special education or extra care?
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I don't want to trample on any feelings here. In my experience people with any kind of mental health issues, special needs, needing support etc are better off outside India. Societal acceptance and awareness are much better in the West. Support is better. It's not the best, I see it's an uphill task even here but at least we have multiple options.

A part of me tells me that if we run away and don't help with the awareness then who will build the awareness but the Mom in me cannot go through what my grandmother and aunt went through with their differently abled kids.

I'm not sure of all the various MH issues specified in the DSM V but from my limited experience, children on the spectrum need trained therapists and teachers who are willing to make it work. The number of BCBAs in all of India is less than half of what is available in my current city. I weighed all options and I think it's best to be here for him.

Viswamitra · Sep 4, 2016

@SparkleSneha,

You have mentioned that you are on H1B and applied for Green card but didn't tell how long since you applied for Green card. It is my understanding that it takes 10 years to get to a Green card from the time adjustment of status is filed. Another 5 years to get to the citizenship on top of it makes the total period of stay into over 15 years.

We came to the US for the specific purpose of educating my son in the US and we are just waiting for him to finish and get settled with a family. Once this mission is accomplished, we are planning to retire back in India. India is not new to me as I have lived 42 years before I moved to the US and I am here only for the past 20 years. It is relatively easier for us to come to that decision as we get older, it would be hard for us to live here in the US. But in your situation, you have your husband's career, young children having better opportunity to educate in the US and so on.

I understand your concern about your parents and we all have same concerns. We all struggle between the responsibilities towards our parents and children and they are inseparable. Since you have a sister in India within reachable distance, it might help as she could rush in case of emergencies faster than you could.

Each person's circumstances are different and you have to carefully evaluate them. My wife was the only child to her parents but she was with me throughout these 20 year period despite her parents living alone back in India. However, when her father got sick seriously, I sent her immediately and she was able to spend time with him. Now, after he passed away, we brought her mom here to the US and she lives with us for the past 3 years. We are able to do it because all of us are US citizens. Even if you were to take a hard decision to stay back here in the US, your parents will understand your rationale. They know you love them so much. What you should never be doing is to live in the US and worry about your parents in India. It doesn't help anyone.

As the years progress, it would be increasingly difficult for anyone to migrate from India to work in the US as the country is moving towards lesser and lesser immigration visas. It doesn't matter who comes to power, they can't change that line of thinking. Therefore, you need to be prepared to sacrifice the desire to work in the US later once and for all, if you were to decide to go back to India.

Think through carefully and make a decision and once you decide, never regret it and move on.

Viswa

SparkleSneha · Sep 7, 2016

Thank you all for replying and sharing your opinions. Means a lot to me.
We applied for GC in 2012 and the way things are going, it won't be until 2022 + 4 years before we get citizenship.
So we have totally given up on that. Only seems unfair for our elder child who would face challenges and years of visa issues if wishes to study here in US after 12 th. Younger one can come back anytime.

We can't wait to attain GC and move back after 10 years from today. That time my younger one would be in high school and we won't be able to leave then again for another 4 years. If we have to move we have to move in next 2 years else we will stay put here.

Its very hard to decide. I am already looking at schools in Delhi - the international schools look extremely expensive `3 lakh per annum per child. The new CBSE schools look good though - 1.5-18 lakh per annum per child.

Pros (US)
- Good infrastructure (clean environment)
- Good education, affordable yet excellent public schools
- less corruption
- systemetic process oriented economy
- Good friend circle

Cons (US)
- No family, kids have no cousins,
- Grandparents are far. Lonliness wrt having family.
- Friends are friends , everyone is super busy - can't replace family
- Guilt feeling that i am shying away from supporting parents and inlaws

Pros (India)
- Family (grandparents , cousins) are close by
- can help parents for trips to doctors , banks or any kind of Emotional or extended support

Cons (India)
- No friend circle
- Schools in Delhi look like money minting machines - very high ended infrastructure
- Kids of Diplomats and NRIs in all international schools (DELHI) come to school with big driver driven cars and carry bigger attitude. (not sure its my perception or what but spoke to some people and got this idea)
- Pollution, Population,, Traffic, Corruption (all specially in Delhi)
- Safety for girls is doubtful.

very very confused ....

dc24 · Sep 7, 2016

SparkleSneha said: ↑

Hi Ladies,

I joined the IL forum today and this is my first post.
I am in acute dilemma as this thread suggests and extremely stressed about returning to India.
My parents are in late 60's in India and I am the younger of the 2 daughters settled in US.
My kids are 7 and 3 years old.
My elder sister is in India but not in same town as my parents.
Lately due to parents advancing age and looking at them managing everything alone by themselves, managing their health issues alone, I am very depressed and thinking about moving back. We are still on H1 visas and still far far away from GC.
One thing is sure that I am NOT happy in US. I am constantly worried about my parents. I am not able to sleep properly. Call them twice a day. Whenever they go out of house even to bank , doctor or market, I constantly worry about them if they returned back home safe.

My husband has no problems with the move as such but feels it would be very unfair and also difficult for our kids to settle in India. The pressure in Indian schools in immense and also struggle with Hindi as a full subject will degrade their grades a lot. The difference in style of academics, more subjective rather than practical knowledge, cursive handwriting, a LOT of homework, holiday homework and not that practical exposure adds to the confusion. Only my younger child is born in US and we plan to keep her citizenship even when in India so he feels it would be very unfair for our older child to not have an opportunity to return to America EASILY when she grows up (maybe after class 12)

Can anyone of you please share your experience or thoughts and guide me what should I do or are my fears about kids facing challenges in India are real ? Is moving to India in Grade 4 (9 year old) will be too late for my child ? I don't want my child to keep math or science on back burner and focus all energy on Hindi or Indian History social studies etc.

Please suggest.
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Hi
Is it possible that your parents move to the US to be with you ? In that case you'll be able to care for them and at the same time your kids will have the US education as you desire .

SparkleSneha · Sep 7, 2016

dc24 said: ↑

Hi
Is it possible that your parents move to the US to be with you ? In that case you'll be able to care for them and at the same time your kids will have the US education as you desire .
Click to expand...

Hi dc, we are still on H1 visas and so parents can come and stay for 6 months at most. They can only move after we get citizenship which looks 10 years away at this point.

Laks09 · Sep 7, 2016

Only you can decide what you want for your kids.
Btw, my child went to both an international school and a regular cbse school. Yes the parents in the international school are all very well off but even the ones in the expensive cbse schools are the same. We all had cars and drivers and you will have a car and driver too. You just cannot drive in Delhi day in and day out and survive. Initially, the I'll do what my parents did enthusiasm sustained us. Slowly the full time house help, cook, driver etc came into the equation. Imagine driving in Delhi traffic for a minimum of an hour to get from any place to any place everyday.
Oh and I was all hung up on public transport. Within a month I stopped stepping into them. Even though I grew up using public transport, the number of years spent here and the kind of personal space I got used to, public transport became a big no.

kcb · Sep 7, 2016

Dear @SparkleSneha ....

Why don't you bring your parents to US? they can stay with you for 6 months on visiting visa. The remaining 6 months they can stay in India, if situations permit they can even stay with your sister for 6 months. Or else arrange for a good cook and maid for them when they are in India.

I don't think moving back to India is a solution for this. You can look for other options.

sanjuruby3 · Sep 9, 2016

Hi OP

I am so connected to your post. I have been living 10 yrs in US on GC and not a single day, I did not miss my parents. Always felt the need to be close to them and always crying buckets leaving them. I worry about my daughter growing up here and be so cold dry and disconnected to grand parents. In my case, If we ever move, it will be down south and not near to my parents or ILs up north :-(

Many years, back my father had real serious accident and was in emergency for weeks and I could not go because of H1B problems. Till this date, I am not over that guilt. My mother was in bed for a month because she slipped and I feel bad someone else replaced me
But I expected her to come for my delivery

As someone said, parents move on and live with fact that we are not with them. But its us who do not move on easily and a part of us virtually lives there like we left soul there while is why getting off at indian airport feels so home.

India is not 24 hrs away. Working or not working, H1 or GC or Citizen, there are always factors to worry about before making the trip. Living in any part of country, you will go to your parents more often than living in US. Also we get more holidays during festivals like diwali, gnaesh chaturathi etc.

For you OP, If you want to go, I think this is right age for your kids, before they start getting too comfortable and learn to say no.
I think kids adapt very fast. It might be a big lesson for your kids. Moving to take care of parents.

While some suggest to keep GC etc, moving back options open, I think go with closing doors behind you, so after move, you do not think that you still have chance and mentally be prepared to live there.

Btw,I have seen people relocating back to India after selling home in US and then moving back to US as India does not work for them.

Are you working? I think its easier if wife not working as one person takes care of household changes- maid or new neighbours etc. Also mentally be prepared and do not expect same standard of cleanliness or accountability or service or slow internet otherwise frustation is what we get.
Better yet, try to live in india for a month or so with kids( not like a visitor). See if you really want that life.