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RESTLESS HEART AND TENSED MIND...please suggest...

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by SANASEHAR, Jan 3, 2010.

  1. SANASEHAR

    SANASEHAR Silver IL'ite

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    Dears,
    I have a feeling which I want to share with you people and tell me what should I do.... my elder BIL got married after my marriage. Early days after marriage went good but after one month when his wife came to know that she is going to have a baby.....she quitted talking to me and my SILs, with me because I had no baby and with my SIL because they care for me and close to me more then her. First three months passed like this...she used to pass by my room without looking inside, started ignoring me.....then I too left taking notice of her. But the situation started irritating me because I cannot bear situation like this, I am friendly that’s why I loved my SIL and took great care of them, I just hate congested atmosphere where people do not care for others. The situation got worse, and most of the time I remained in tension, my BP used to shoot up as I am not in the habit of saying something to any body in revenge or in anger. She didn't do any work at all; whole day she went on sleep. They started hotteling without telling any body at home, I used to cook food for them but they used to keep it in the freezer only. When she had any problem she used to ask from me but she would not act upon, I must say that she would be having fun by asking the questions just like pregnancy, home tasks etc. Then I decided to be separated. My husband was with me on every decision. When we searched house for us then my BIL said that she is not in the condition to be kept alone, and then I felt sorry on my decision and advised my husband to arrange a house in our neighbor. He did it. Even then things didn’t change, when she needed us, she came to our home and after that she forgot us for days. Now my heart is in the condition that she should not come in front of me, I don’t want to see her and his husbands face. The main point here is that I have no feelings of jealousy or revenge, but feelings of anger and uneasiness. What should I do? What ever I shared or told her there were no bad intension's, if I dint have a baby it’s not my fault. One thing I noticed during these times that most of the time she behaves like most of the typical drama’s BAHOO.

    Now she is going to start her 7th month of pregnancy, her routine is that she came to me after many days, stay for hours aimlessly, just for the sake of wasting our time and passing her time. Her mother comes to see her after a month, after that she seems to be completely changed, I don’t know why. Is it so that her mother teaches her something against us?
    Why she is like this. Her husband was the best brother of his sisters, my SILs used to cry over his changed behavior.

    She used to say things like:
    When she was in 2nd month of pregnancy, she said doctor says your child is really healthy.
    She used to eat a lot in spite of my warning, and when it effects badly, she tells nothing but keep on staying in her room by locking the door for more then 2 days.

    One thing I want to tell you people that on the very first day when she went to the doctor she didn’t tell anybody and went with his husband without telling this happy news to anyone. But the thing went wrong and the doctor didn’t let her husband to go inside the room. Next time when she had to go…..her husband called my husband and told him that they have to go to the doctor so ask your wife to come along us. This thing really irritated me that they didn’t bother to tell us about their happy news. And now when the doctor didn’t allowed they thought that they should contact us.

    Please its enough for now….please tell me to which way I should behave.

    Please help me.
     
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  2. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    No wonder there is this saying...that WOMEN are the enemies of WOMEN. If you are a good DIL and good friends with your SILs thats well and fine. If she is not handlings things your way or the right way, let her husband deal with it isnt it??/

    Whatever you can accomodate out of being nice to her, do it and whatever you do, do it for yourself i.e if you want to help her as she is pregnant, do it with your heart, not like waiting for her to return the kindness you have showed for her. STOP expecting things from her and do what ever you can and leave it at that.

    STOP getting her mom in to the picture. you have no right to talk about her mom and you are in no way connected to that. You have said she changed as soon as she realised she was expecting, and even when she went for the docs appointment so why get her mom in all this.

    Deal with your family i.e your husband and SILs and BIL, even before you start pointing out her parents. its not good.Just because you have good rapport with everyone and she doesnt have that doesnt make her any less or doesnt make you any great. To have a amicable relationship stop judging her and do wht you can and rest of it ignore and leave (that keeps your peace of mind.)

    Usually as soon as some is pregnant they have so many worries and scared feelings going on in their head. whether to disclose or not, whom to disclose how to discclose etc..etc...our traditions have so many complexities like dont tell everyone atleast til you complete 3 months etc kind makes things kind of scary. So STOP judging her now, becuase down the line when you are expecting you woudl know and understand these mixed feelings.

    So being a good DIL of the house, try to be a bit empathetic and let her husband and your inlaws deal with her. dont get judgemental about anyone
     
  3. SANASEHAR

    SANASEHAR Silver IL'ite

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    Thank you so much vidya for such a nice advice, it looks like some one special is advising me. After reading your reply tears came into my eyes. Thanks.

    I would like to share something more with you, if you don’t mind. Please.

    My mother in law died in 1995, she committed suicide(sorry for her) because of her husband(my FIL) used to beat her, taunt her and scold her continuously, as per her children told me. Then my FIL started hitting children after her miserable death.

    When I came into contact with my husband he was living all alone in a city far away from his home town because of all this mess. We met through somebody and I decided to marry him, but my parents were not agreed. It took 2 years to convince my parents. I got married 2 years back, without my in-laws, because they left my husband alone because of his disability (he is disable from foot). My husband started studying at his own by teaching at home. I think you can imagine how much it would be difficult for him. When I came in his life we were having bad days, we were living hand to mouth. At that time no body even asked about me who am I. My ILs started circulating rumors that I eloped with him to another city. This thing was really disgusting for me but I kept quite. Two months passed in this situation when I tried for a job at a college cum language canter. I made a call to get necessary information, they asked about my residency and my spouse name. on the next day early in the morning I received a call from a private number and I was asked whether I want to join the job or not. This was a surprise for me. Well I went there, attempted 5 tests, and according to the administration I was the first one who secured highest marks ever. Well, the principle offered me 10,000 and said you will have to do work from 8 am to 7 pm. My home was very far from the college, but they said no if you want this job you have to be in time and no relax would be given. I accepted the job. They asked for my masters documents which were not with me at the time, they were in my home town. Then I thought to take my husband with me to the college, as he was much confident then me in spite of his disability. When we reached there I was shocked to know that the administrator was my younger BIL and the principle was elder BIL. They knew that I am the wife of their brother and they especially gave me the job just to keep me and my husband under them. I can’t tell you more about their intentions.

    After that when my husband got his own house and we were in a secured position, then my ILs started approaching us. When I met my SILs I felt very sorry for them, they were really in a miserable condition. I asked my husband that can I ask them to live with me. He said yes. After that things went a little well. The wife of elder BIL disconnected his relation with me as I was not up to their choice. I behaved with my SIL very friendly till they forgot their mother’s miserable death and rude behavior of elder brother’s ILs. After one year I thought that the second BIL should be married now, we started searching for a girl who would be loving and friendly. My husband asked his colleagues for the thing. But it was a bad luck that my mother called to the home town as she was not well. I and my husband went there for 7 days. These days were a turning point in our life; my BIL sold his father’s property which was left for the girl’s marriage. He wasted that property in calling cards to his to be wife. When we came back my SILs told me that brother has been changed, he didn’t take care of us, all time he talk on the phone even the whole night he stayed inside the car and continued talking. Younger BIL told me that he has stopped helping him in the business and used to take away the money when he needed. I and my husband talked to the boy and girl both that please let’s do something, as already he had wasted all the money. The point to be noted is that their father lost his senses and no body was there to lead them. They took our advice to the wrong side and even though we didn’t say something wrong but with love and request the girl stopped talking to us. The girl’s father contacted us to know why we were so reserved. But we didn’t tell anything to him as it doesn’t look nice. Her father is a nice man and because of his nobility and our patience they got married in hustle and bustle. I took suits from my SIL’s dowry and purchased some at my own as my BIL didn’t give me any money. He said she didn’t need any thing but bring her to me. We did every thing what he said because I thought if their mother is not alive then what, I will do every thing. So this was the background story of my last post. I gave one and a half lack rupees to that BIL in order to setup his business……but…….the return is in front of you…..

    But dear vidya please let me know frankly what I have done wrong. Which thing I should not do?

    But I really pray for her, may GOD bless her with all his blessings. But please for me that GOD gives me patience as most of the time I use to cry on the current situation, that may their mother would alive because now I am afraid how I will handle all this. My SILs are young now and we don’t have enough money to marry them. Their brother has already wasted all the money in soothing his intentions.
     
  4. SANASEHAR

    SANASEHAR Silver IL'ite

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    dear, here i want to add one thing more that once i was proud of my in laws. But their habit of taking advantage just for them irritated me a lot. as i never said anything to any one. instead i sacrificed my emotions and things for them. i waited for my this BIL late night for the sake that he would come and i will provide him food-like a mother. he is nice but forgetting his sisters and brothers in his good times is not good and is hurting.
     
  5. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand the emotional turmoil you are in. However dont mix up everything. If you are a person who want to help those in need, do it but dont expect anything in return. Dont feel or think that you are entitled for some kindness/love/affection in return because you have given it to the other person. It wont work that way.

    Thats why I have said, think of what you can accomodate and do it without any expectations. If you go out of your way to do things for your BIL/co sister you sure would want to be treated nicely/ special way which wont happen as you already know their nature.

    So dont go out of the way and also try to put limits on what/how much you can do for them without expecting anything in return.

    Whatever you have done for your BIL/SILs is because you are part of the family. There is no need to feel that why your co sis is not doing/involving in all this. If this is your way of taking care of your family and if she doesnt want to involve let it be. No point in getting all the past into the current situation.
     
  6. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    Sana, I read 2 things here:
    1) You're nice to others but they dont reciprocate.
    2) You want a child of ur own but are not jealous of ur co-sis when she's preggo.

    Now when co-sis doesn't reciprocate it means she doesn't have the capability to be as nice & giving as you're... hence she's different than you.
    Srividya has rightly mentioned:
    So dont go out of the way and also try to put limits on what/how much you can do for them without expecting anything in return.

    Its a v normal feeling for ur co-sis to not to share her pregnancy news with you if she's not as nice, accomodating & caring as you.. maybe she's equally confused on what ur feelings shall be since :
    1) U've not had one... thats one reason where many college groups also distance out resulting in no common topic / experience.. eg resulting into further groups of singles / married / with kids/ without kids etc etc.
    2) relation wise she's elder to you.
    3) there's no specific reason for you to not to have a child now... however you do want one.. which is completely not in our hand.. some cases need medical assistance.. If she feels jealous with others.. she'll percieve that others shall also be cunning & jealous like her & every mother or mother to be can behave in most wierd manner if she feels someone is jealous of her child.
    A liar feels rest of the world is a liar & a saint feels the world is saint.
     
  7. SANASEHAR

    SANASEHAR Silver IL'ite

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    Well friends thank you so much for the guidance, and honestly speaking I felt great change in me, because I got rid of the fussy thought.:bowdown

    I want to say is that I really don’t care if some one is not nice, its ok, but the problem was that how can I overcome these feelings.:confused2: So, dears you people helped me a lot, to some extant I am also wrong and I will try to do the best to her.

    I am 7 years elder then her. As I mentioned that she was very nice in the early days. And one thing I want to tell you that my husband asked to his brother about her behavior before marriage. He replied that I have felt the same change and I will ask her about it. He got the reply from her that her mother and her BHABHI advised her to deal just with the boy leave others and handle him.
    The main problem of mine tension and anger to them is that they don’t have the feelings that we have to do a lot for the girls. And what was in hand they took no time in wasting that.
    As well as the feelings of jealousy are concerned, I disagree. Because when we were living jointly I never asked for any work. Every day I ask her for every thing she might be needed. After a month she went on separating her deals like, washing cloths, eating meals etc. and GOD knows the best, we tried a lot to give her comfort.
    Well leave all that. I am sure when ever I will be confused I will get response from you people.
    and please do a favor, please let me know now what should i do to her. how and in which terms i can help her(without thinking about any reward). In which way i can win her heart and prayers. As i told you each and every thing about her behavior.
    Thanks again.
    and please sorry if i said something wrong :cry:.
    thanks a lotBow
    GOD BLESS YOU.
     
  8. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    She is also a member of the family just like anyone else. So what would you do for your family members. When anything that you do is not giving you happiness, rather you are feeling miserable to do it and also feeling like you are being tied down and had to do something because she is part of teh family...THATS WHEN you know you are going out of your limits to do something for her.

    Also might be its time for you to chill and just be casual and normal with her. The more you push this thought of having some acceptance from her or gaining her acceptance, the more it becomes difficult for you to accept the fact that your cosis doesnt gel well with you/the family.

    Do what you can (which doesnt make you feel like you are being used.) If you think she is expecting so you need to do more for her, Do it and leave the rest to god. Whether she accepts you or not is not important, how happy your husband/family is with your is more imp.

    Sometimes leaving it to the time and to that concerned person is what is needed.Dont push yourself to slog n do more to gain her approval/acceptance.that will make the other person wonder, what happened suddenly...that they are not the center of attraction anymore....sure would bring them down to earth and to their senses on what they are missing
     
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2010

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