1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice
  2. What can you teach someone online? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice
  3. If someone taught you via skype, what would you want to learn? Tell us here!
    Dismiss Notice

Resentment And Anger For Mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Whyme20, Feb 24, 2020.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    2,679
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Really.
    Actually it was your daadi who created damage to your brother.
    Your daadi and aunts harassed your mom. She never got love from your dad.she could have suffered from depression. That's why she couldn't bond with you and your brother.
     
    senorita2019 likes this.
  2. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    2,679
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Please for God's sake, Never talk to her about her EMA. she is 70. Let her die in peace. She was a woman in Indian society those days.
    Even after all the abuse, she was an obedient wife and good dil.
    She must have suffered a lot of depression without receiving treatment.
     
  3. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    Thanks for your time but you don't know what my battle is about neither you are able to grasp a slight idea of it from my repeated posts, so let's just leave it at that.
     
  4. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    I understand what you mean concept of bechari aurat, aurat pe atayachaar and budhe maa - baap ( poor woman, violence on women and old ailing parents) is so deeply ingrained in our minds that it's very rare that we look beyond it. Those who were able to look beyond it, they have grasped why I started this thread.

    Even though a problem may be miles away from these but we still find a way connect the issue to these poor concepts. My dad was our primary bread earner, my mom was a school principal, a self sufficient lady, yes she had in-laws issues like most of us, no where in my post I have mentioned that mom was disrespected and abused by my dad, but still some posters have connected the dots and made my mom a poor bechari aurat.

    She was a self sufficient educated woman. If some one is to be blamed that's the parenting she got from her parents. One poster when to the extent that she should be excused for her ema. Why? I have had my own share of in-laws issues, it took a long while for my husband and I to form a bond. It doesn't mean that I should blame society for that, it doesn't that if I had issues with my husband I go on have an ema. There is no excuse for wrong actions. No society, no culture, no love less marriage can justify wrong actions. Why should I blame my daddi, she still raised her son capable of loving his children irrespective of his own imperfections. Why shouldn't I blame my nanni who raised a daughter, educated her but she still couldn't became capable of running her family properly.

    It's easy to blame culture, husband, society. Your post made a perfect sense to me. thanks for sharing and your time
     
  5. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Bronze IL'ite

    Messages:
    42
    Likes Received:
    47
    Trophy Points:
    38
    Gender:
    Female
    Thank you, I perfectly agree there is no excuse for EMA, If one is so unhappy , they should just divorce- cheating is not a solution. There is no justification for EMA but it is forgivable now, considering her age that's all.

    Secondly, I meant that if domestic abuse against ANY woman is wrong, than against kids it's wrong too.I actually did not mean your mother is not a victim.She very much is a victim. Whether husband directly abuses, or he keeps quiet when mother - sister abuse, both are domestic abuse/harassment in my opinion.Because husband is powerful in the household - it being a patriarchal society. It was not your mother's choice or preference to live with he MIL. Your dad made her as is the norm in patriarchy.SO yes, he is responsible for her abuse if he did not protect her. Your father's life was actually easy- he fulfilled all his wishes-
    • took care of his mom in his house
    • bring a slave for his mother by getting married
    • made sure his mom and sisters can abuse to their heart's content with impunity and get narcissistic satisfaction
    • took care of his siblings financially
    That's what many sons in patriarchal society wanted out of life in that era, as pathetic as it may sound.So he was happy enough to be nice . For your mother it was definitely, a trapped slave-like situation.

    Having a job did not really make much difference in a woman's life.I have grown up in big joint family and seen all kind of situations.Today financially independence means you can walk out, it was not so in their era. You mother's situation was slavish to be honest. Job and education meant very little in those days. Today so many women are doing jobs and their social status has improved so we think our previous generation women had same choices and so called "self-sufficiency".No.


    Then again, as a child you have the right to expect good parenting. So your anger is justified too. We may have immense sufferings in life, but we should try our best to be there for our children.That I agree. I was bullied in my childhood (though parents were good) and it affected me so much.So I understand whatever you said about how it affected you. It is upto you now how to get validated.And there are no clear answers I can give.

    You're a very good person, loving sister. You fight the battles of your brother and father as your own and deeply feel their pain. There are very few daughters/sisters like this. You think your childhood has damaged you, but in my opinion it has made you a sensitive , caring human being, I'm sure you will make a very good mother. Don't let other issues affect your bonding with your child. Irrespective of whatever issues of your life, your baby needs you .Focus on that and as s/he starts growing up you will get so much joy and love, you may be able to move past it all.
     
    Last edited: Feb 26, 2020
    Amica, Laks09, Needtobestrong and 2 others like this.
  6. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,117
    Likes Received:
    2,679
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    A grandmother filling a kids mind with bad words about his own mom is a cheap human being.
    I know orphans who have able to bond emotionally with their kids and raise them lovingly .
    Of course every human being is different.
    Hope you heal soon
     
    sandhya2020 likes this.
  7. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    I totally understand the zest of your post. But my mom was not a slave like in her own house. My mom had no financial pressures, she worked because she wanted to work. My dad is a very kind man. He helped his side of family, at the same time he helped my mom's family as well in many ways. He is a very loving person. Yes he did not stand for my mom at the same time he never blamed her for anything he always maintained a neutral stand. Many times he tried to fill in the emotional gaps for us. On the other hand what my mom did was cheat against her own sister and her husband. There is no excuse for this.

    Yes I do have a beautiful bond with my child. I feel so thankful to the universe for giving me this opportunity may be I will be able to end this cycle here. The blessing in disguise here have been that on this journey I have been able to explore some deep pockets of my inner being, which I never knew existed before. I still have let to go a lot. When I go back and forth in memories it shatteres me. I took me a long while to accept the love my husband had for me. He is a very handsome fair man and I have dark skin tone. Ours was an arranged marriage. He said yes on our first meeting. When my husband's alliance came for me, my dad saw his picture and showed it to my mother, her answer was that this boy will never say yes for me, because he is very good looking and ours will make no match. When he said yes on our first meeting I couldn't believe it. My mom goes he said yes because of your education, her response to my alliance was that one thing my dad did correct in his life is that encourage me to pursue my education, which became a reason for my marriage. That's not true my dad has done a lot for us and for her family as well,it's just that she never recognize that. IAM not a bad looking person and God damn even if I was what difference would that make. I am 5 feet 7 inch tall yes dark, very confident on the outer good education and smart woman. when my husband would express his love for me I never believed him, I always thought he loves me because I earn good income. This created huge distance in me and my husband. When ever he would compliment my accomplishments I felt that is it true, am I actually capable or he is lieing? I always questioned my very existence.

    I must lie the blame where it belongs, reason for my mom's neglect towards us was her own low self esteem which she got from her own family. Ours was a regular household my dad would always make us laugh, cuddle us, be there for us he wasn't a bad parent my mom was the bad parent. He wasnt a bad husband either, yes he didn't stand up for his wife, but there are many who do not do that. My husband never stands for me infront of his mother. IAM not saying that's right but that can not be used as an excuse by me for bad parenting.
     
    Amica, Laks09, Angela123 and 2 others like this.
  8. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    70
    Trophy Points:
    58
    Gender:
    Female
    That happened because my mother gave that chance willingly to her mil.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana Finest Post Winner

    Messages:
    10,004
    Likes Received:
    24,800
    Trophy Points:
    540
    Gender:
    Female
    I thought I was the only one capable of feeling like this. I am well past this struggle but reading the above felt like a little caress on a scar left after a wound has healed.

    FFTI (Feel free to ignore). Did your mother offer any reasons or acknowledgement when you talked about it with her?

    I hashed out a version of forgive that I could when answers I sought were not forthcoming. If life is a tennis court, I put me in one court, the past in the other, and figured out how to keep the past well away from the holes in the net.

    tennis.jpg

    My rough estimate is that once the process of healing the self is started in sincerity and earnestness, it takes 5-7 or 8 yrs. We reach a state where contemplating the past doesn't hurt, but a part of the self does die for ever.

    All is my experience. Obviously, it varies.
     
  10. mangaii

    mangaii Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,172
    Likes Received:
    1,407
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    Sorry you are going through this . Hope you find peace with the situation . Looking past her flaws and shortcomings what positive experience you had with her . The only way to remove hatred is to engage your mind in something else . You cannot change the past but you have a chance to become mentally strong so you can come in terms with it . Have you considered staying away from your mom for few months ? We all have our experience when it comes to childhood . But as adult we have a choice how we look at our past . You have now energy to focus on building positive relationship with people around you. Why focus on your mom who is probably close to her death ? Find a strategy or plan to come in terms with it . Wallowing is not going to help you . We have to raise against our short comings . Talking and writing helps but at some point you need to work on your future
     
    Whyme20 likes this.
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.

Share This Page