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Resentment And Anger For Mother

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Whyme20, Feb 24, 2020.

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  1. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    I am starting this thread mainly to vent but I look forward to hear anything which will help, any different views from how I see the things and any other startegies to cope with my anger for my mother are welcome. It's going to be a long thread and I will continue to add on untill I have poured my heart out.

    My mom is very submissive by nature. I have one older brother. Our childhood was a normal late 70s and 80s childhood. My dad is a very kind person, always ready to help others blindly. He always had to face betrayals by his own family. They always used him and never returned the money borrowed. Even though dad this selflessly but my brother and I do not appreciate and this. We always did ok financial, dad is an impulsive investor , some decisions he took turned out good, some not so good. This has caused rift in my brother and dad.

    Now coming to my mother she was a working lady a school principal but very submissive at home front. I believe she had huge self esteem issues which badly reflected in her parenting. My daddi( father's mother) used to live with us and she was a very bitter woman, gave my mother a very hard time, to top it up my bhuas ( dads sister's) would always gang up against mom. My mom never opposed them or anything. Dad never stops by mom. Their relationship was ok.

    Now coming to the root of the problem, my mother was an emotionally absent mother. She was never there for us emotionally. She never stood by us. When ever we went for outings she would leave my brother with my grandma and take me with her. Grandma spoiled my brothers childhood. She was a very bitter woman. Always filled his ears against mom and her family. It has profound effect on my brothers personality. He is a very kind person but he has huge temper. He could never gain much confidence and primarily relied on dad for decision making. I feel his temper is his hidden pain.

    Being a mother she never made any effort to bring emotional closeness in her children. My brother and I had huge emotional distant, it's just now that we are in our 40s that we have started becoming emotionally close because our hearts are clear for each other. But still she has done irreparable damage to his personality. Even though I want I feel I can never forgive her for that. She is always ready to blame my brother for his temper and non confident ways, but she doesn't accept that she is the one behind it. I just hate her for this. Now She wants my brother to have a good bond with her , while she never created it when he was a child.

    She always brags about her own family. How well she and her sisters were raised, while in real life it's no different from any other family of their time.

    I had slightly dark skin and my mother used to feel bad for that. Although she never said anything on my face but her actions reflected that. That tarnished my confidence. She always used to compare us with her colleagues children, who were almost the same as us in every way.

    There are many other incidents. I have huge anger for my mother to the point that it's affecting my every day Life. I have taken therapy that only helped me so much. Every now and then I come back to square one.

    When I became a mother I found it so hard to give what I didn't receive. it take me while to form a good bond with my child.

    To other people she is a very obedient wife,.who never went against her husband and was never rude to her mil and sils but her tittles mean nothing to me and my brother.

    Ours seem a good family from outside but there is no emotional base which a mother creates. As I am growing older it's pushing me far and far from her. I never realised all this while growing up but I just hate her so much now.

    There is another thing which I never told anyone except my therapist is that my mother was in a secretive relationship with her sisters husband. Which no one knows about. It's just that I saw them together once and they didn't know that I am there. My therapist was a Westerner, she couldn't understand how deeply it shattered me. I don't know how to cope with this.

    To everyone else she is a very homely and kind lady but I hate her. She is very submissive person. No one can believe that she had a character flaw. ACC to my therapist she is also a human, who may slipped through emotionally but I cannot come in terms with this. I have never told her what I saw.she is 70+. I do not know if I should tell her that I know what she did years back or I just let it go.

    I have so many things to release.but I just keep on going around in circles.
     
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  2. Brevity

    Brevity Gold IL'ite

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    I can see the unfairness of your blames especially since you are blaming only your mother for things not done. Where is your list of grievances against dadi, father etc? You brother blames her for not taking him with her. But you, she took. But you still blame her. It seems like you and your sibling are looking for a scapegoat for your emotional shortcomings.

    Your mother might have been less than good. But if she herself was an emotionally abused person who couldn't be warm to you, it is what it is. You need to let go for your sake. We all are less than perfect parents. We all damage our children in our own unique ways. To be judged and blamed for anything other than outright abuse is a bit unfair, especially a parent who had others in the same family working against her.

    Accept your relationship for what it is. Try to work on making it better for your sake than hers. May be even talk to her about the difficulties she faced while raising you. You might gain some perspective.
     
  3. hermitcrab

    hermitcrab Platinum IL'ite

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    If an EMA would have given even a little happiness to my mother, I would have loved for her, to have one. Even now, when she oldish, I like to give her any happiness I can. My mother is average mother, right in the middle of the spectrum- one end of which is mushy mushy mothers and other end is abusive kinds.
    Why are you so bitter about your mother?
    She didn’t pay much attention to you and brothers. It was not possible- may be. One of biggest target of abusive ILs- are the grandchildren. They brainwash and alienate the children from DIL. They would not have let her create any good memories with you guy- even if she tried to.
    In one case, the Dadi Buas and husband brainwashed, two sons so much, that they started hitting their mother with big sticks- when they were teenagers.
    Since, you mother was working, she understood what was going on, and made calculated decisions. She might have had done better by you and brothers. It might ve true that brothers bad temper is actually his sadness.

    but at some point of our life, we have to rise above what parents did, and make our own set of of values, rules, etc, for ourselves. And then, live by those rules, values.

    You can stay stuck in the bad memories or accept as bad dreams and move on
    You can vent, and vent but may be the pain is so deep, that venting might not help. You have to seek spiritual help. Please no babas or godmen. Just do what you can do. Rise above the negativity. Don’t get caught feeling sorry for brothers. Each second you waste feeling sorry, you loose another second that could have been used to navigate towards better future- for you and brothers. He might need your help, or his children might, so must take care of yourself first.
     
  4. MalStrom

    MalStrom Platinum IL'ite

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    Your mother was a product of Indian society at the time. She was probably trying to do her best with what must have been a tidal wave against her. And from what you describe she may also have been suffering from depression. She doesn’t sound deliberately malicious. It’s hard to help others when you don’t have your own oxygen mask on. No one gave much importance to mental health or women’s wellbeing and feelings back in those days. Try to put yourself in her shoes and have some compassion for her.
    And you have the knowledge not to repeat these same patterns with your own family now. You have to rise above the past and not let it drown your present and future.
     
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  5. Swetha52003

    Swetha52003 Silver IL'ite

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    Your mother is a victim of abuse herself. I really feel she must had her valid reasons why she left your brother with your grandma when you went for outings. Maybe her fault is she didn't stand up for herself.
    We don't know the whole picture, but from your post what I get is all the bitter experiences in your and your brother's childhood like the issues with your grandmother,dad etc is all on your mother's shoulder now. She is also a victim dear!
     
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  6. nakshatra1

    nakshatra1 Platinum IL'ite

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    I understand your pain as you are carrying so much anger at this age , and emotional neglect can have real effects, but somewhere I feel your anger is misplaced or atleast disproportionate towards your mother. Or atleast in your post, you have not given much details about it so the gravity of the emotional neglect is difficult to see.

    Your mother was so abused, and this situation can make anyone depressed. In-spite of being treated badly at home , she motivated herself to work and provide for you both.And from your post it does not sound like she abused you.We cannot understand the pain of a person who feels trapped in a household where everyone gangs up and abuses her, and her children are turned against her - so you have to understand her situation too.Your mother was in such a vulnerable position- she enter a new family- and in that house, the MIL abuses her so much and husband never stands up for her, and husband's sisters also gang up.How difficult it must be for her, in previous generation, a woman was just trapped in a situation like this and forced to be submissive. But just imagine what a demoralizing , humiliating, psychologically difficult atmosphere it must have been.And she did her best - saying because you did not mention any abuse.

    Your daadi being a family member, was also supposed to take care of you both emotionally or atleast not abuse, instead she caused irreparable damage to your bro by alienating the child against his mother. But somehow you found the emotional strength to forgive her.

    Coming to your dad:-
    -He was financially irresponsible, more concerned about siblings than the kids whom he was responsible for bringing into this world.So your mother worked for your future, otherwise your financial condition may have been worse??in the end she got repaid by having MIL turn her little son against her.
    -He did not provide emotional support to his wife or protect her from abuse of his mother and sisters.He had all the power in the household.
    -Nor did he protect his son from his mother's manipulative abuse.

    But still somehow you forgave him and consider him a kind man. Why is it so hard to forgive your mother? Why do you have all the expectation from mother and minimal from father. Don't you feel you are making her scapegoat?

    Now , coming to EMA, it is a serious matter. But you have to separate it from her parenting. It was against your dad , not against you. Somewhere your feelings are enmeshed with your dad's and you see her betrayal towards him as her betraying you.

    You are suffering so much pain, for your sake atleast - try to analyse and forgive her.Now she is also aged. Count ur blessings - ur spouse.kids.brother and really your mother does not sound so bad. U can have a happy life if you let go of the anger.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2020
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  7. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    Why? you need to be honest with yourself on this.

    This is a very common trait in Indian mothers - skin colour worries is still a thing , I know how bad it was in the 70s/80s
    And comparing kids with other kids was the the game plan for motivating the kids.
    Al least half the kids of our gen has faced both these, hardly a readson for hating parents after decades.

    Nostalgia makes a lot of us wear rose tinted glasses, is that even a crime?

    It is understandable that you felt your mom wasnt emotionally available but as @Brevity has asked
    It is strange you have no hatred /resentment in your heart that your dad didnt support your mom, he had his own flaws, that your dadi/buas abused your mom, but you have that much hatred for your mom.
    Perhaps with her away working, your dadi did brainwash you too?

    Honestly who is flawless ? If anything imo, your mother's biggest flaw was being submissive.

    Maybe you cant forgive your mother for this? You forgive your dadi/buas. You forgive your dad. But you cannot forgive your mom because she committed the worst sin in your eyes. All the other issues are rising because you cannot accept what she did and you can not forgive her for betraying the faith in the young you.

    To err is human. There is a time to move on. For your sake I hope you will be able to resolve that, life is short, forgive your loved ones when there is still time.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2020
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  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello: I got an alert of your quoting me here but it seems you have deleted in edit.
    Thanks and regards.
    2. But then I read your very convincing FB here.
    Thanks.
    God bless.
     
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  9. Whyme20

    Whyme20 Silver IL'ite

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    I am sorry for not being ablet quote each post but I thank all of you for taking out time and making a real effort for showing me the
    different sides to my suffering.

    As you all have brought up that, I have forgiven dad but not mom, no it's not true. It's just that I started this thread about my mother so I kept the focus there. My father has been a very loving father. We did not have a financially deprived childhood. I mentioned that he was an impulsive investor, he lost money but at the same time he made money as well. My mothers salary was mostly kept by her and if she contributed she did it out of her own wish. because dad has been the primary bread winner. He still earns very good rental income and income from other properties. mother did not have to leave my brother with grand ma, she did it willingly because she didn't want to take care of two kids.
    Even though both mum and dad are equally important in a child's life but somehow a mother plays more important role emotionally and my trust was broken.
    My brother has decided to move away to another country, now she has a problem that why is he moving away.
    I have never confronted her for these issues because all seems good from the outside. I am an ideal daughter who calls parents every day, who will look after them if needed in each and every way, but I find myself getting bitter with each passing day.

    I know we all damage our children in unique but that doesn't make it right.

    IAM really struggling to figure out a way out of this suffering and this hurt was caused by someone who was meant to be the protector.
     
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  10. sandhya2020

    sandhya2020 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thanks for clarifying, now I am able to understand your perspective a bit better.


    I understand not all parents are automatically good . It depends on the person. Inspite of it all, I urge you to analyse more why you think she neglected you and how. You seem to be very emotional and hurt by it. You can talk with your mother all the issues heart-to-heart , and see what she says about it.

    Regarding your brother moving abroad , that's his matter to solve. I feel you are very emotional and caring and you feel strongly about your brother/father being wronged by your mother.I feel you are too enmeshed in their problems due to your affection for them.But if you fight everyone's emotional battles you will become utterly stressed. Think clearly about relation between mother and you. She is aged now , it is better to make peace than war so that you can live your life. Your father was not a loving husband who protected his wife from abuse - maybe for her work was an escape mechanism - from abusive atmosphere. She did not do it the best way but maybe she was really depressed. Try to think from her perspective too. It may bring you peace. You are not in her shoes- such an abusive household and she really did her best for the kids.
     
    Last edited: Feb 24, 2020
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