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Resent Husband And No Intimacy

Discussion in 'Intimacy' started by star90new, Oct 14, 2018.

  1. Minion

    Minion Gold IL'ite

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    Your H is playing with your emotions and feelings, he is finding excuses to blame you for what is happening, it is very clear that he has a problem only the doctor can diagnose the problem; you have to make a decision whether you are going to quit this marriage or continue to live a life with him tolerating his manipulation.
     
  2. Agathinai

    Agathinai Silver IL'ite

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    Ask him to see any local doctor first and then do the needful. It’s your husband who has to seek help.

    No guy in their right frame of mind will behave like this. There is a problem there. That’s why your marriage is unconsummated. He putting the blame on you is like a distraction strategy and that’s what you too are believing.

    If he didn’t like you he would have left on his own volition by now. He wouldn’t have stayed this long. But he is staying and also being a bit supportive. But he is not behaving like an intimate partner which is where his problem is. So get help and discuss same.
     
    Lalithambigai likes this.
  3. Deborah

    Deborah Gold IL'ite

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    So many issues , but then life is supposed to be complicated .

    After going through your posts , these things come to mind -
    Your H - has some mental as well as physical problems . His body - shaming you ( fat and body hair ) isn't a good sign. Could he be getting back at you for pointing at his lesser than normal chest hair or not - only he knows .But he does has some self -esteem issue , that is pretty much clear.You can only ask him to see a Dr. but can't force him.
    His making it big about your past is another below the belt shot. What you did is your past and if he has an issue with it , it's his problem. However, you need to get out of this guilty mode. Pre- marital relationships are very common these days ( even for those born in late 80s and early 90s) and you are not a spoilt good. If your parents think otherwise , it's time to bring them to the present times. you shouldn't feel ashamed of it and shouldn't allow him to blackmail you coz of it either. If need arises, take your parents in confidence and tell the truth .

    You - are feeling unnecessarily guilty because of the past. Unless you are convinced that you did nothing wrong,no one can help you.
    Your sexual needs are normal . However, please don't make this about his (lack of ) body hair . Men and women are different body wise . It's all about whether you are attracted to him or not.Only a medical exam and complete check up ca reveal his lack of sexual urge.
    3 years is indeed a long time to be suffering and you should take a strong action .If he is intentionally playing around, he will come to his senses.
    His cooking sometimes is not a favor to you, doesn't make him a good husband . You are simply looking at reasons to stay in the marriage.Far more important things are missing.

    Suggest marital counseling and see if he is up for it.If not , then he definitely doesn't want to make it work.
     
    star90new and BhumiBabe like this.
  4. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    Which doctor should we meet?
    What can I do about attraction?
    He wanted a thin hairless girl .
    I wanted a muscular hairy man.
     
  5. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    In quite a round about way, you have conceded that there are very strong reasons for you to stay married to this weak, hairless, husband in an intimacy free marriage.

    Go to a psychologist to explain what those reasons are. They could be anything -- including money (you have not enough, and you need him to keep you in roti,kapda,machan), and your unwillingness or inability to take responsibility for your life(RKM), and future strongly suggests this. Confessing that you'd rather stay married because you are well taken care of is not shameful. Many women do that, and in exchange they are asked to do worse things than you are asked to do in your life with your husband.

    Go to a psychologist.
    What do you do about attraction ? Change what you can, and ignore the rest.

    "He wanted a thin hairless girl .
    I wanted a muscular hairy man
    ." ​
    This is going to prompt someone to ask WHY..oh WHY did you get married three years ago ? Were you thin and hairless then ? There are things we, in the forum, do not know about how your current life came about. Perhaps we should not know. Go to a psychologist, and tell her/him.
     
    star90new likes this.
  6. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    At the time we got engaged, I was thinner .
    My husband was muscular and I thought he had body hair. I still can reduce my weight but I feel why should I reduce and become more attractive if he can’t be like before.

    When we spoke about body hair he had told me that he had body hair but after marriage, I found that it was either a lie or he had lost it for some reason. For the money part , I had married my husband when he din’t earn much and I was a student. Even now he doesn’t earn a lot and my income is not steady. Its not the income part , I have many friends who are yet to be married.

    Its about the mental condition. Many of my younger cousins and relatives are married.
    I met my husband while I was 21 -22. We married and got engaged a little later. I am in my late 20’s. So we know each other for more than 7years now.

    Thats why I am trying to resolve this.
    When we met psychologist. They said they had to stop us from fighting first. I told them that I feel that the fighting is because of frustration. They say there is no intimacy because of fighting.

    My husband tells me I and he has the same type of body. He hates his body. He has fatty hips like females. He tells me to reduce my hips. He has hips and fatty chest. I always felt that he had some hormone issue. When he met a doctor for fatty breast. They said its not medical but superficial and his test results came clear.
     
  7. star90new

    star90new Bronze IL'ite

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    I am attached to him because of the number years we spent. I just hope that his physical condition can be treated.
     
  8. DDream

    DDream Finest Post Winner

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    There are many who lead active sex life with hairless and obese condition.To me, it's not a reason for sexless marriage for the last 3 years which is not consummated yet. It's a red flag. I dont think a normal healthy adult male stay away from intimacy like this.

    You were thin and he was masculine when you get married. But nothing happened. Do you think your situation is going to change if you loose weight or he look like the way you want. I think these are excuses to hide or to runaway from the real problems which both of you are not ready to address.

    Your dhs Sexual dysfunction can only be addressed by a combination of doctors psychologists and sexologist. Some times issues like Vaginismus can stop women. We dont know the truth. Both of you should work together as a team if want to fix it. You cannot do anything if you dh is not ready. That's also a red flag. But If you wish to waste your life after realizing the problem, no one can stop you. I hope the psychologist will help you to get some sense and help you with this issue.( please check your inbox for the links of many posts here on this topic. How many more years you are going to invest to fix it.).

    All these attachment can turn into strong resentment & disappointment with time when one s needs are not met. But it will be too late to get out even if you want to [ even a victim can get attached to abuser it's called Stockholm syndrome]. As you are not attracted and dont have any feelings that way, you should introspect yourself to learn what that attachment is.That's why Ilites are giving warnings. I still believe you should inform parents, I think they may guide you well.

    Anyway, Your life is in your hands. No one can help one unless they decide to help themselves. Good luck
     
    Last edited: Oct 19, 2018
    star90new and hino like this.
  9. hino

    hino Silver IL'ite

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    You have lot of time in online , but you dont want to change. First you change and expect others to change.
    Change the food habits for your self and let him come on your way .
    Change your attitude towards him and let him come your own way.
    Dont expect always,if others change ,I will change. By Gods sake, its your own life. You have to live together for another 80yrs. Start change in your self and see how beautiful life is.

    Bollywood movies spoiled the marriage ie.muscalar bodies, body hair. At least you have replied in 10 threads about body hair. What is he lose hair fall after 10yrs due to water problems or protein deficiency, do you leave him after 2 kids ?. Try to see or give your self time for adjustment and expect the life from both the sides.

    With these mindset, neither doctor nor physco sessions can help.

    Practice yoga, do mediation, change food habits and show the change in you. If he still complain about you. Talk to your mother, well wishers and take the decision.
     
  10. hino

    hino Silver IL'ite

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    Which doctor should we meet -- Psychiatrist with good recommendation. He will connect with sexologist.
    What can I do about attraction? -. change in you. change the attitidue towards him. Be calm and dont pick up fights for silly things. Ignore him for some time or dont give attention towards.
    He wanted a thin hairless girl . --Is it really bothering him and are you intersted to change. Thin--> Its easy. follow IL diet tips (much better than dieticians) . Now there are treatments for hairless in every nook n corner. just select best one. But, is it really required?. Is it only solution ?. Does his mind change once you become thin hairless...very less probability.
    I wanted a muscular hairy man.. Dont expect 6/8 packs . Is it your requirement attraction towards him. convenience him to go for gym. Please dont open thread , how to convenience my DH to go to Gym?.
     
    star90new likes this.

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