1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

relationships with relatives and their behavior

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by newlife2010, Feb 6, 2010.

  1. newlife2010

    newlife2010 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=utf-8"><meta name="ProgId" content="Word.Document"><meta name="Generator" content="Microsoft Word 10"><meta name="Originator" content="Microsoft Word 10"><link rel="File-List" href="file:///C:%5CUsers%5Cu763331%5CAppData%5CLocal%5CTemp%5Cmsohtml1%5C01%5Cclip_filelist.xml"><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <w:WordDocument> <w:View>Normal</w:View> <w:Zoom>0</w:Zoom> <w:Compatibility> <w:BreakWrappedTables/> <w:SnapToGridInCell/> <w:WrapTextWithPunct/> <w:UseAsianBreakRules/> </w:Compatibility> <w:BrowserLevel>MicrosoftInternetExplorer4</w:BrowserLevel> </w:WordDocument> </xml><![endif]--><style> <!-- /* Style Definitions */ p.MsoNormal, li.MsoNormal, div.MsoNormal {mso-style-parent:""; margin:0in; margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:12.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-font-family:"Times New Roman";} @page Section1 {size:8.5in 11.0in; margin:1.0in 1.25in 1.0in 1.25in; mso-header-margin:.5in; mso-footer-margin:.5in; mso-paper-source:0;} div.Section1 {page:Section1;} --> </style><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:.0001pt; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:10.0pt; font-family:"Times New Roman";} </style> <![endif]--> Hi. there is a question that have been bothering me for a long time. is it really so common in our society?
    I got married about 4 years ago (2006) and when my parents were looking for suitable alliances they were looking for grooms who are located abroad. It was no imposition or compulsion , they asked my opinion about what sort of profile I am looking for and if I have any reservation/specification. Anyway when the first two alliances came , my dad wanted to discuss with my aunts and other relatives ,but my paternal relatives were not at all happy to hear that guys are settling abroad. Not that they love me so much that they come to see me or invite us for every family gathering or so on.anyway,they made long faces hearing that I myself is willing to settle abroad and they discouraged me saying what good you are going to get to live so far away. May be it was their genuine concern. They also discouraged my dad saying why are you sending your daughter so far away etc..anyway those two alliances didn’t work out because after 2 / 3 meetings with the parents , we understood one set of parents is extremely bossy and they need a well groomed, pretty , English speaking dil who will serve them and their son and friends etc , but mentally they are very outdated people. another set of parents were more keen on dowry . So I decided to back off and said no . When the third alliance came, everything went well and my DH and I were on courtship for almost 5/6 months and we used to chat over the phone on regular basis. But somehow we felt from our previous experiences that my relatives were not happy in past two cases.(I have to say in this context that I don’t have too many relatives on my mom’s side, and one of my aunts, mom’s younger sis , wanted to set me up in my college days with a boy who was abroad, but while talking too much , my aunt accidentally hinted that that it was not for me, they had some business relation with that family and they were trying a make some deal making me a scapegoat.I don’t know what it was but the way my aunt and uncle reacted to hear from my mom and I that it is too early for me to get married at the age of 19 and they kept forcing and literally taunted us as if we have better choices.We were scared to see that aggressive reaction and from past experiences we saw my aunt somehow loved to gift me and my mom all her rejected cosmetics with some defects here and there, or some junk jewelries partially discolored or damaged. It happened so many times that we think it was not just her mistake.so from that behavior we leart that probably they were not our well-wisher though my mom showers all her love and blessings for them.my paternal side is apparently very sweet and behaves like a close knit family, but deep down my mom and I know they were so jealous of me, my dad and they all troubled my mom all her life indirectly instigating her in-laws to torment her, forced her to leave her job, made her serve their family and any guest who was coming and going like a maid. My dad’s sister used to provoke them on daily basis, though they all never had to go through all these sufferings in their marital lives ,even as a child I could understand thatthough my mom ever tried to braiwash me, i saw her crying secretly many a times)
    Anyway my marriage was fixed and right before 1/5-2 months of marriage we disclosed the news to all these relatives because their attitude was never been selflessly adorable towards us. They all were kind of shocked for not getting a clue before and instead of being happy when they heard my DH is settleed abroad and his profile etc. they made pathetic faces and didn’t bother to say a good word or congratulate, they were present during my wedding and also helped us, but they ignored my DH and his family very purposefully as if they are not their standard to socialize. That’s not how they act and socialize when my other cousins got/are getting married in town. they never called us to say bye when I was leaving India with my DH and even when I went back, none of them called until I called all of them .Though meanwhile they kept asking my dad when are we planning to return to India for good etc. That was their only interest. I bought gifts for everyone, they took them making long faces as if doing me some favor, just didn’t say thanks for once though they are not like that with others, didn’t ever bother to gift us or invite us or talked to my DH .They all came on my marriage anniversary, but no one even congratulate as if they don’t remember the date or the occasion was just a casual get together.
    Next time when I went ,I gifted them something or other. They eagerly took them and no thanks again as if it was expected .No return gifts either. They don’t ask about how we are doing, how my DH is . they have just two things in mind, plans to return , why not planning for kids mentioning some XYZ having physically issues and not getting conceived. They try to indicate that probably we have some issue for not having a baby till now whereas their own daguthers are also not having kids yet. During this visit , when they heard that we bought few housees in different parts of country as our investment plan, they were shell shocked and literally made poisonous faces (both dad’s and mom’s side) and asked me how many houses, when we did all that, what is point of buying if we are not yet returning etc.They even taunted my parents for not telling them in the first place when all these happened. When I got pregnant and my parents told them the news, my mom’s side was happy. But when one aunt heard that, she was silent and then said okay I’ll let everyone know then..then casual talk.ever since no one ever called my dad just to say that they heard the news ( I know for sure they all know the news )or how she is doing.I felt like they wished we have some problem so that they can discuss more on that topic for their amusement No call. No courteous mail, though they all are net savy and behaves like what interest do we have to know what is going in you life?I just don’t know what we ever did to get such jealous treatment from them whereas they all are well-off than my parents now.
    1)I am curious to know is that how your relatives also behave when they hear the good news or I am the only unfornate one with unique experience?
    2)Everytime I go, I think of not buying anything for them seeing their faces and ignorance, but again I end up buying something as I am not used to do the same to others.what should I do next time?
    Thanks in advance
     
    Loading...

  2. mankan

    mankan Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,256
    Likes Received:
    173
    Trophy Points:
    130
    Gender:
    Female
    hi friend,
    i am not good at writing,but i must tell u things on my side,
    i also buy many gifts for my father's side relatives[they r not jealous of me or my hubby].....but they never gift us anything.......and my 2 of cousins have their big export business of indian stuff, and whenever i want to buy i pay them....but still they dont want me buy anything from there.....i feel so bad that i always give gifts to them and their kids too but they dont even a single penny things to my children..[of course i dont need it..but my in laws inquire wht they have given to me,at that time i feel ashamed]....so this is the 1st time i wont be buying gifts for them...as i am going india in 3 days
    .
    coming to my in laws...they always expect expensive gifts from us but never ever gifted me so far.

    in your case, i think your relatives r extremely jealous of u and your hubby's success,they r selfish...gifts r meant to be given and taken with love ...u r giving love and they are excepting with jealousy...so y to give gifts to them...stop giving them....keep a distance with mean relatives.....they still cannot except how u have got so good hubby and a gud family.they r jealous...they feel that u need them,show them that u r not in need of them.
    i was like u...used to think won't buy anythg..but ending up in buying smthg or the other...but this time i have made up mind that no buying for them.,
    thanks.
     
  3. newlife2010

    newlife2010 New IL'ite

    Messages:
    55
    Likes Received:
    0
    Trophy Points:
    6
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi Mankan, Thanks for sharing your experience.May be , next time I'll try to do the same :thumbsup. But I am surprised to see that there are so many visits , but not another opinion/comment from anybody else. Am I the only one who is "blesses" with a bunch of creepy relatives?
     
    Last edited: Feb 9, 2010
  4. Supri

    Supri Silver IL'ite

    Messages:
    231
    Likes Received:
    90
    Trophy Points:
    85
    Gender:
    Female
    No... these things happen in most families. Extended families can be a blessing but in most cases they r bitter experiences to swallow......Expect nothing from them. Be friendly and detached.
     
  5. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    3,315
    Likes Received:
    186
    Trophy Points:
    160
    Gender:
    Female
    Newlife,

    Basically, such people are " confused " ! They dont know wether they dont want people to settle abroad OR wether they fear the NRIs would become better settled than themselves. There could be various categories ! :)

    Though I dont have such relatives.. I dont gift my relatives all the time. Only the first time I went , I bought stuff for all. That is it. I havent gone again though.. but dont plan to buy gifts everytime I visit India. I may buy for my nephew and close family.

    Infact my relatives were like, dont repeat it again. Dont waste money. :bonk

    You neednt buy gifts everytime you go for the entire family... Maybe just buy for the kiddos if you wish. Leave it at that. It is not because they dont care or dont reciprocate to your feelings, but simply because you dont have to. People with such attitude will talk nonsense no matter what, why even bother. They will have an issue with anything that happens to you.
     

Share This Page