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Relationship with spouse after cheating

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by pandu1, Sep 12, 2015.

  1. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    This is what I wanted to express.

    When it was discovered my ex was cheated, I was taunted with "but at least he's handsome .... if you would have married x y z person (who wasn't handsome, and I didn't like him), he wouldn't be ignoring you"

    Being tall, handsome, interesting, bunch of friends, etc doesn't justify cheating.

    And I am positive there are men who are

    - taller
    - handsomer
    - smarter
    - richer
    - more socialable
    - more wanted

    etc, than OP's soon-to-be ex (I'd dump this trash), who would treat OP like a PRINCESS from the bottom of his heart, because there is something called love, integrity, the inner light that shines in all of us.
     
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  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Pandu,

    Violation of trust is the greatest sin one can make in life especially between the spouses. You have every reason to feel angry about it and you have to take your own time to heal yourself. I just finished writing about forgiving. Forgiving doesn't mean letting someone go off the hook for what they have committed. It is about helping you heal quicker so that your mind is at peace. In fact, you have to be extra cautious about your husband who violated your trust.

    One thing I don't understand is how you consider your husband as a devote father and husband when he was flirting with another woman? Which right thinking husband/father would do such act? He has to earn that by helping you heal and not by justifying all he did. How many wives go back to India every year and does it justify the husbands to behave the way they want? Sometimes, when someone gets caught, they do so many right things and beyond to overcome their trouble quickly. It doesn't mean that they have moved back into the right track. He needs to repent much more for his bad behavior. You need to take steps on your own to heal your heart quicker. Erring in character is not an option to many. I feel you are too lenient in convincing yourself about the reasons he might have done it. Honestly, what he did is unacceptable no matter what caused it. Period.

    Don't justify yourself about anything and let him by changing his behavior, prove that he is in the right track. That is when you should consider pardoning him for his action. All you can do now is to take steps to heal yourself and even through counseling, if needed. Be confident and brave and I pray for all of you to lead a wonderful life as a family going forward.

    Viswa
     
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  3. Salaswathi

    Salaswathi Senior IL'ite

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    What-is is different from what-ought-to-be. Isn't that why there is this thread ?

    OP has the choice to get the bum out of her life, or pardon the weak-to-temptation and muddle forward....perhaps until a suitable time to execute a bum's rush. In the meantime, there are some things to look to in justifying the delay. Man is contrite, swears future devotion, and etc.
     
  4. valase

    valase New IL'ite

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    OP,
    you have to be cautious and don't yet trust him! At the same time don't keep on nagging him too as that might push him farther away from you.
    Document whatever evidence you have. Find ways of securing yourself and the kids financially if this leads to separation/divorce (Hope it doesn't).
    You say that he is a loving father and a husband. So, try your best to make this marraige work. It's obviously wrong of him to go after another woman. But, try to see if you need to make extra efforts to keep him glued to the family.
    Hope this helps. All the best.
    ~Valase
     
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  5. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    At one point I was stalking the social network account of the missed match (and his married elder brother who wanted to be friendly with **** starts on Internet, most likely fake accounts, but anyways), someone who fits the characteristic of that sub-human you married, and this is their secret, i.e. one of the brothers posted the pic to his now deleted Instagram account, and the other brother liked it on FB


    smile.jpg


    So no crying, nagging, pleading, begging, just silently gather information, documents, etc, etc, for when you are ready to break lose.


    When you keep your composure, your happiness, and no longer care, then these "handsome, charming, intelligent, socialiable" males, lose their powers.

    It's like the wicked witch in Wizard of Oz who melts after Dorothy throws water on her

    melting.jpg
     
  6. sweety17

    sweety17 Gold IL'ite

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    OP, would DH behave normal and immediately accept apology if it was the other way round just for argument sake.

    And just being handsome or whatever is not a qualification that allows married men to stray. Such a pathetic excuse to cheat on a wife. Period!! I understand it wasn't physical but sexting is equally bad. But what if he weren't caught for a long time...Gosh that gives creeps!!
     

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