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Relationship with my parents

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Maneesha, Jan 19, 2010.

  1. Maneesha

    Maneesha New IL'ite

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    It is really goof to see a forum for relationship with Parents and Siblings.I appreciate this step on IL. I am just thinking that if we can analyze our relation with our folks then it might help to analyze the relationships with Spouse folks.

    I will start with my Parents. They are not involved in my life at all. And it hurts me a lot. They are probably from the school that if you are involved in daughter's life then her married life will be disturbed. They feel that inclination of daughter towards her family will disturb after marriage life. I feel alone very alone at that front. However hard i tried my inlaws could not become parents for me and my own parents do not want to be involved in my life at all.

    It is not like we do not talk or meet. I do call them regularly and visit them but miss the emotional connection from their side.

    It hurts to see that my kids just knows his paternal grandparents and not maternal grandparents. My parents never makes much effort to get him know them.

    Why it happens to women that we loose out roots after marriage and again have to struggle to get a place to make roots again.

    Mani
     
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  2. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Hello Mani,

    I agree that this new forum is really cool! Hats off to whoever had the idea!

    Coming to your question... I was wondering, how was your relationship with your parents BEFORE marriage? Were you very close before?
     
  3. neha1

    neha1 Silver IL'ite

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    i am happy to see this forum too:).
    thanks to the moderators to add this. i wonder ,too, who's idea it was.
    anyway,,coming to ur question.
    i would say dont feel bad about this.its the same situation with me. my parents never comment/suggest anything unless i beg them too. they are also from the same school of thought like ur parents. they do not want to disturs/interfere. but,when i see my inlaws giving 'important advice' , i miss out my parents advice.....

    i would say get ur parents involved more..tell them that the grand kid is missing them,invite them to ur place, tell them ur short term/long term plans..ask them for suggestions..etc
    i have started to do this for my parents...

    hope this helps...

    neha S
     
  4. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    Sigh! cant contribute to this forum as much..Wish my parents were alive now. This is an excellent idea though:thumbsup
     
  5. Maneesha

    Maneesha New IL'ite

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    Hi ASG,

    You raised a good question and it made me to do some kind of introspection. I think once i started living out for studies and then jobs, their involved in my day to day life started getting reduced. May be i was not sharing all aspects of my life enough with them or may be they were confident enough that i will be able to take care of the things in my life. I think, I am kind of person who would like to handle the difficult scenarios in my life by myself and not let my parents worrying about it by telling them.

    May be since I am happy in my life they are not worried about me.

    I think i feel the way i am feeling because there are much involvement and interference in my life from my inlaws side. May be i see my husband talking to his mother every day for a good amount of time( his mother doing most of the talking :) ) and when i call my mother even once in a week she does not have much to talk to me and it feels like i am the one who is initiating and driving the conversation.

    May be my parents are not much talking over phone people and since i live so far and it has been years since i am living away from them that they are not able to visualize my day to day life.

    May be i should not compare and complain and accept it the way it is.
     
  6. tuliplady

    tuliplady Gold IL'ite

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    Actually, what you say more or less applies to my dh and his parents as well.

    Like, they dont involve themselves a lot amongst us. Sure! they do call us on important occassions and are cordial. But, I dont see my dh and his parents talking a lot. In fact they talk once every 2 weeks or so.He still talks a lot to his mom but with his dad merely for 5-10 minutes.
    Perhaps, its due to the fact that my dh lived in hostel while in India for 4 years and after that in US for 6 years. So a decade of seperation made him more independant. I dunno!

    I also told him couple of times like why your parents seem aloof. To which he said, that they are just that way !

    Do you have any siblings who live in India?? Perhaps, they are more close to them!coz in case of my dh, his parents are much more emotionally attached to their daughter (they themselves told us so, that they would never send her off to US coz they are closer to her).
     
  7. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    As we grow older and go from child to adult, we naturally become more independent. I think that's a healthy part of growing up... handling our own problems, not being dependent on our parents for our emotional stability... basically, we become our own person. Some people are close to their parents in adulthood, others have a more formal distant relationship. There is no right or wrong, and just because you don't talk to them everyday doesn't mean they don't love you, or you them.

    But since you are wanting something 'more' than what you've currently got... nothing wrong in trying to build your relationship with them. Invite them to more family gatherings, involve them with your kid... and if they are not the type to pick up the phone and call YOU, you do your part and call THEM. :thumbsup
     
  8. LemonLime

    LemonLime Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Maneesha...

    Well I would say you are the lucky one! lol. :)

    My parents - esp my Mom is so interferring in my partner's and my life that she is the interferring MIL to my partner (and myself) than the other way around. My MIL gives me so much space its scary.

    Somehow she never really accepted that I chose my partner because of many reasons (when we first met we were really young but we became best friends not in a relationship.) including our family differences.

    Not to mention I'm the middle child so I suffer from 'middle child syndrome'. :p

    Despite that I still love her lots but I wish I had a bit more space.
    But then again - I can understand your longing to have that closeness.

    Well, the way I see it we should realise that one day all children will 'fly the nest' and our relationship with our parents after marriage - men and women - will change even in the slightest.
    Its our responsibility to make the best of it.
    So maybe you should visit your parents more often and also express your desire for them to be more 'involved' in your life, because you want to hear their wisdom, opinions and input!
     
  9. wastemoney

    wastemoney New IL'ite

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    Hello:rotfl
    I am new to this site a very good site. I want advise or your valuable opinions.
    I am the only child of my parents till 27 I did not get married I dont know why I think my parents were not that keen then I found a good partner and we eventually married. But still my mother blackmailed me or say due to circumstances beyond our control we stayed with my parents. I had my children's while staying with them my mother all the time interfered with our life to a great extend. But because we both were working and were living in India we had lots of emotional outlets and we were bussy. so the interference was not felt that much. Then my father died and the question of moving out on our own did not arise. Then we shifted overseas and we along with our children came but my mother folled us within a few days and though we were not that well off we accepted it. Here also she controls our life and she her self does not go out of the house nor does allow us to go for long outtings even after coming to a foreign country we have not toured like many of our counterparts. I cannot go out for picnics with out her and if she comes she sits in a corner with out talking to any one. She expects us to behave like her so going out only to work , do all the work fast fast. She always walks about the house as if hunting for some thing or always listining to what we say . I feel so cramped. WHen ever we talk she always complain about the children or what to make. she insists on doing all the cooking and if I make any dish she will not eat. Our relation is very strained if we talk it is to fight. And all this my children are experiencing. I long to have a good loving talk with her but then OI remember even when I was small we never talked it was only her telling me to study and get a job or other advises. What to do will I ever get a day to experience my family with no interferences. What do u say????????
     

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