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Relationship With Mom

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Angela123, Oct 2, 2020.

  1. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Sorry about the long post. This is me being emotional or probably something to it. I do not have a good relationship with my mom. I love her, appreciate everything she has done for me and my family but our relationship is not the closest. She is not the first one I consult when I have some problem, be it before marriage or after. She was never the one to take any initiative on any talk.
    I live in the US and she lives in India. I talk to her every week, but it’s very superficial. She never asks how we are doing or anything, some days she just look at us while my sister or dad is talking and that’s it. I am currently 39 weeks pregnant and she knows we don’t have any help here. She doesn’t ask a word on how I am doing or what plans I have when I go to hospital and how to take care of my DD.
    Earlier when I found out I was pregnant, I called her and she never picked up so I called dad and I told him first and when I requested him that I need to talk with mom he said she is watching tv and he will tell her. The following week onwards she stopped talking to me for almost 2 months and my sis and bil told me it’s because I never told mom in person about the pregnancy!!! I told my sis what happened during a weekend phone call and May be she talked with mom, things were getting better. Last few weeks she barely asked anything when I call. She has whatsapp and what not. Never calls me. It’s always me who call them. But when our relatives visit, she will ask dad to call us and ask us to show our house around to who ever visiting and acts like we are in great terms. I play along even though I don’t like it. Lately May be it’s the pregnancy that makes me sad about this, she doesn’t call or talk to us on anything. Never asked if I need anything from home for the pregnancy. My DD adores my parents but they barely talk to her and when they talk they never appreciate what she tells them or shows them. Now DD doesn’t want to talk to them. Poor kid, when she gets a toy, she always wants to show them over the weekend chat. I don’t know why my parents are like that. Especially mom. How does she do it?
    My dad also sides with her he asks if everything is okay and that’s it. But at least he asks that. They never ever ask anything more than that. I want to complain to her about all these but I don’t know if it will make things worse. DH says why would we talk to them every weekend when they seem not interested or like having to do nothing with us. I have a hard time letting it go. I don’t know if there was any problem from my side!!!
     
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  2. shravs3

    shravs3 IL Hall of Fame

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    I know this is very difficult time without any family members around.
    And it hurts more when there is no good rapport between you and your parents.
    Also these hormones are to be blamed.

    Is your mom behaving like this only with you or even with other siblings?
    If it’s only with you maybe there is something which would have happened between you both.
    Did you anytime went against her wishes? It could be because of that as well.

    Or maybe she misses you a lot because you are far away from her. So she doesn’t know how to express her feelings. Some people do not know how to react or express if their child goes too far away from them.
    Suddenly without even you realising a huge gap would have been created.

    As your DH suggested do not initiate any call again. Maybe once your baby is around you can try talking to her and slowly ask the reason for her behaviour.
    Take care of your health which is more important right now.
     
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2020
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  3. wish4miracle

    wish4miracle Silver IL'ite

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    I could totally relate the emotions with you as I was also pregnant for first time nearly after 4 years and all I got was this kind of emotions from my family. And it still continues now and then even though I totally distanced myself.
    Just like your lo, my lo loves her grandparents but they love her too. So I decided to keep the relationship very formal.

    After a recent big fight with my family questioning their way of how they treat me, I realized there is no use of asking them because they never going to reason it and justify it. They will not do this in first place if they could reason it or justify it.

    Then I started to completely change my focus on my lo and my husband. Completely disconnected from them and started focussing on what I do.
    Right now I got time to study, play with my lo, having gala time with my h, focus on how to build future like career path and financial plans and so on.
    My mom spoke to me very recently after 6 months gap and passed some annoying judgements on our financial status. I thought to myself, thats not anything new. I have grownup to the point that it dint affect much like before.

    Try to focus on your health, lo and your h for now. Tell yourself that all this temporary. Your hormones could mess up the situation worse, dont let it. Reality is you are pregnant, you already have a lo to take care of. And that is what important here. You have more than 1 person to love and you are loved by more than 1. That's all anyone would ever want.

    Maintain a one arm distance relationship with them. Have weekly call only if u r comfortable and if you have one, dont ever expect any emotional support. If u get one, then it's your add on for the day, if not, you dint lose anything. Develop a thick skin. We need it for outer world, otherwise we might end up bruised all the time. Say no to them when u really dont want to do it. You cannot keep pleasing people to make them love u. It wont last long.

    Writing this reply to u actually helps me in a way, reminding myself on how to get myself together.
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Time and again your posts remind me of when I went over similar questions and ruminations in the mind. Indeed many times I am struck by our similarities... though I wish making tiramisu and black forest cake in the same weekend was one of the similarities. : )

    Why parents do what they do... how can a parent do what they do... Are questions with no conclusive answers.
    : ) : )

    One of life's best chapters is around the corner for you. Best wishes for a safe delivery, smooth hospital stay and countless moments of wonder as your DD turns into an older sister.
     
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  5. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    I don’t know for sure. My sister and BIL lives with my parents. I know sis has fair share to deal with my moms tantrums, but mom was always like that. You have no idea how happy I was to get out of that house after I got a job and especially after my wedding!
    It’s been 10 years that I moved to the US. I never felt she missed me. May be she did but she never put that into words or her behavior towards me. I got married when I was in my early 20s and my sis in her by late 20s. During one of my visits to India, I remember my mom telling me in the absence of my sis that she feels my sis being a burden and needs to get it over with by marrying her off to someone (of mom’s choice of course) I felt sad for both my sis and me. Because I knew she felt the same with me even if it’s for a small period.
    That is true. I just don’t want to cut them off, and deprive my kids off the grand parent relationship.
    I never felt there was an unconditional love from them, it was more like obligatory because we were girls and are supposed to marry off. They did a good job of that and pushed us to get a degree too. Mostly because my mom is very competitive and wants to show off how good her family is.
    so true. Once in a while I just ponder.

    thanks everybody. This is a battle that I fight alone. But appreciate all the insights!
     
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  6. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    It is one of the ways of stress busting rihana! Things we do to keep sanity!
     
  7. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Hell broke out this morning. My mom, unnecessarily teased DH during our weekend call about not talking to us. He got all riled up and asked her about I have written above. DH has been always a good talker and humor everybody, lately he has been avoiding calls because of my mom’s behavior. I didn’t ever discussed things in my original post with him, but some how he was also thinking the same things. He was so mad at my mom and he asked her you never ask anything, it is your own daughter who is going thru this pregnancy without much help, we are alone trying to manage and you now complain to us about we not talking to you etc etc. mom tried to defend by saying I get all the info even though I don’t talk much and dad chose to remain silent. Now I am feeling very bad for mom and I cried. I know DH was trying to speak for me but on the other side were my parents. I feel bad for mom but DH was trying to convey what we had in our minds for almost 8 months now. I don’t know whose side to take. I know she never ask anything or even talk to us some weeks, but somehow I feel sorry for her now. There is fault on her side too, but my dad didn’t defend her either he moved on with the talk with some other topics acting like he hasn’t done anything wrong. So I felt sad for her. Anyway my peace is gone.
     
  8. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It might be time to let go of the mother you wish you had, and instead accept the one you actually have. Try to focus on your husband, child and the impending little one for now, instead of getting stressed.
     
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  9. deepthyanoop

    deepthyanoop Gold IL'ite

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    Angela,
    Your husband needed to speak because your mother teased him. I am not justifying it but sometimes if something big is going on in our mind, even a little provocation can trigger us. As long as your husband were not being too disrespectful to your mom, don’t worry too much about it. Maybe next time you call, you can say sorry to your mom. You can tell her there is a lot going on in your life and your husband was stressed about managing everything on your own after baby. I am sure your mom will understand.

    Also the fact that your child wants to talk to your parents and loves them indicates that the situation is not as bad as you think. There are all kinds of mothers, Angela. Some mothers find so much satisfaction in providing emotional and physical support to their children and have so much energy in actively helping them even in raising grandchildren. But there are mothers who are emotionally very detached from their grown up kids too. We don’t read about them in Mother’s Day Facebook posts. But there are so many mothers like that...I don’t know the reason why they behave so... It’s just they are that way...

    My best wishes and take care!
     
    Last edited: Oct 4, 2020
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  10. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    Thank you @deepthyanoop ! I think myself as a forgiving person. I don’t want to keep grudges as I live on. I know the words my husband said were much needed and my mother was ignorant always about the emotional needs of me and my sister. I have accepted she is like that. May be my hormones going haywire is making me being overly emotional this time. Thank you for all the kind words!
     

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