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Relationship With Husband Is Directly Proportional To My Relationship With Inlaws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by Goahead, Mar 14, 2020.

  1. Goahead

    Goahead Silver IL'ite

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    i have listened to many advice's here about not saying much , doing my own thing to not get bothered about inlaws , not getting too much involved etc etc to keep my sanity

    but i have 2 major problems : 1 . my MIL is very smart /mean and talks a lot lot lot and she has more energy than i do . i have had a lot from her over 15 years . i'm tired of her now.
    2. my husband is too much into them and i cannot say anything , rather he forces me to do a lot for them emotionally as well as financially . if i dnt , then hes upset and my relationship with him is not good

    this combination of my mil being smart . talkative to get things get done her way and my husband following them and expecting me to do always for sil and mil/fil drives me nuts
    so what happens is my husband would always be 10 steps ahead in terms of giving them, calling them , making sure everything is good and if for some reason he falls short then my mil will make sure to get things done from him very nicely, not acting greedy but using her way with words to get all the greed out .

    i really do not get involved . i dnt want to talk to her and sil any more. I dnt have any respect left for them. but my husband would force me to call them and talk to them all the time. My sil would never call and always has her head up .if i dnt call, my husband literally makes me call her . sometimes i wonder that if my friends wnt call me for years even once , i wnt even call them or even keep friendshi with that friend but for my sil , it has become my duty and she proudly raise her head over that though she is 5 years younger to me . i feel disrespected by her in so many ways . shes always comparing me , always jealosu of how i'm doing in my career , my fashion sense, my cleaning sense , how i handle the home etc etc

    this is just one example of many small little things : like i never get an gifts even for kids bday , nothing but somehow sil kid has to be given a nice bday present every year from our side due to husband forcing me to do it. At times, i have told him that its very disrespecting that inlaws never gifts us anything , but somehow always we are supposed to gift them including sil and now even after having kids, even kids dnt get anything buy sil kid is special being sil kid and should not stop get gifts showered from us . but nothing matters to my husband not even things related to kids

    There is this cold war between me and mil/sil but they always win because i get forced to do things because my husband makes me do it . I'm sure behind my back they laugh and feel proud .
    i have gotten to a point of hate with them and dnt want to keep any relationship with them , but my husband wnt let me take it easy . if i dnt do something and stays quite , he judges me and our relationship gets worse
    i really want to enjoy this cold war and not be involved ....
    i have tried to tell him many times that he can do whatever he wants but i dnt want to get involved but he does not understand this feeling of mine . I feel insulted, i feel like a second person in front of them and i feel like as if i'm worshiping them
    but my husband never understands my part , does not understand how i feel insulted from them, how they never do anything for us and after 15 years of crap from my mil , i'm DONE with her .
    moreover he wants to move inlaws in at some point . I dnt knw how will i survive then
    i dnt know how to balance this : my husband love is directly proportional to how much i do for my inlaws ...no matter how they treat me
     
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  2. CuteCancer

    CuteCancer Silver IL'ite

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    Thats not love its manipulation.

    How does he force you to do things which you dont want to do?
    What happens when you dont do what he wants?

    From your post I understand that your inlaws are more important to your husband than you and children. So you cannot expect him to support you or do something for your benefit.

    Instead you have to focus on how to stand up to him, say No and stick to it. If you start practising now you will be in a better position when he actually plans to bring his parents.
     
    Last edited: Mar 14, 2020
    Sreevidyaa likes this.
  3. Sreevidyaa

    Sreevidyaa New IL'ite

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    If you refuse to heed your husband wish to call your in laws what you would your husband do? Since you are financially independent be firm and don’t talk to them if you don’t like it. If he had loved you he wouldn’t force such unpleasant things onto you.

    Tell your husband and end it. It’s in your hands on what to do. No one can force anything.
     
  4. NOW

    NOW Bronze IL'ite

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    After 15 years if he could not understand how you feel about your in-laws or see how they treat you then it is time to take some drastic steps to get the point across to them. Stand up for yourself , do not entertain them, build your own circle for support. There will be arguments and tiffs initially but sooner or later they will get that you are not going to budge. At the minimum you should create a space between you and the ongoing drama. Think hard and come with few places, times and situations where you are made to compromise .. start with the calls made to SIL and the gifts. Reciprocate only when they do their part. When your husband starts to feel the pressure then it’s time you think hard of this marriage and relation you have with him. One step at a time you will come close to the understanding of how much can take and how far ..
     

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