Relationship strain - Child-care, parents, and In-laws

mathu903 · Jul 28, 2011

Hi,

I am a working mother of a 3.5 year old kid. We were in India till about a year back and we used to stay near my parents place. My parents used to take care of my son when I am at work and drop him at my place, once I am back.
We moved to Singapore, about a year back and I am working here also. My in-laws/parents take turns to come here and take care of my son.
But somehow, I feel that we are losing our independent lives because of this arrangement. My parents don't seem to be very comfortable staying in our house and feel restricted but do it for the sake of my son and me. Similar kind of problems with my in-laws as well. Sometimes my DH/myself feel that they give too much petting to my son, but if we tell them strongly, they feel they are confined. Similarly, they are not happy with certain things we do.
I felt, the good relationship we had between my parents/in-laws is getting spoilt because of this arrangement. In fact I have had so many fights with my own parents in the past 6 months which I've never had in 26 years of my life.
I am not sure, what is my way forward. Should I call it a day and stay with my son at home? Or should I look for a Child Care and put my son there? If I say that, then things will again turn ugly as they might say that we are not willing to bring them here and that is why I am putting him in Child Care.
After all my motive is not that my parents/in-laws should not stay with us. Its just the stay or relationship should not be obligatory and it should be of free-will. This binding relationship is causing strains and it is pretty much visible now.
I am totally confused. Please help me out.

amul · Jul 28, 2011

Dear mathu

I would like to advice you to put your child in day care.You can do this by talking to your parents in such a way they understand and your hubby talks to their parents.

As you said good relationship is very imp..so discuss with ur hubby and let elders know that you r putting your child in day not to insult them but he need to learn how to mingle with others also as u stay in diff country.

for this you need not take off from ur job

all the best

ChrisColin · Jul 28, 2011

Re: Please Advice Me

Yes, i Understsand your concern. I have 4 yr kid and both of us are working. We ahve full time servant maid and she will take care the house hold as well as my DD. Once we returned back from work, she will leave to her house. Yes there are + and - in this arangement. But at one point we ahve to scarifice something.

omnam · Jul 28, 2011

Yes, put DS on child care. And tell since he is growing up he is getting naughty and will be stressful for the elders. Also, he have to learn to be independent as its not possible at home since he is pampered by grand parents.

Tell your parents to carry on their singapore trip as usual. I am sure they will themselves be feeling that they need some break.

Evolet · Jul 28, 2011

Hi Mathu

If you quit your job now , Both your parents and in laws would think that you dint like to have them with you. Better put your son in Day care. He is already 3.5 years old. Tell them that he has to get prepared to go to school.You can put him in play school kind of place where he will get to meet others and he will learn as well. You can stil bring your parents or in laws as usual. They can leave your son in school and pick him up and all.

Dont worry about the arguments you had with them.It always happens when you get stressed up.Actually they will also find it stressful at times to take care of kid and other stuff.

Cheers
Evolet.

Nandshyam · Jul 28, 2011

Will you have thought in the same line of thought when your kid was an infant, toddler till 2 years? You needed both parents help then, no? Why didn't you take care of the kid, job and home front all by yourself? Ofcourse you cant, right? because you need to COMPROMISE, you would be forced to leave the job.

When in India, you needed the same old parents help to look after your kid when you could have very well dropped the child in some daycare, yeah? Why, because the kid was so small and you felt completely happy the baby being taken care of by your parents and not some strangers correct?

Now you feel that the kid is all grown up and ready to be sent off to child care, parents way of handling the kid is not right? You cannot compromise now on certain things or the way they do things?

Think about their feelings and how much they have gone out of the way and help you keep the job and still bring up the child who is 3.5 years old now. Do what is right and please don't hurt them. Thanks !

adimom · Jul 28, 2011

As your child is 3.5 years old, it is better to put him in a child care or day care. At this age they like going to day care and playing with other kids. There are some disadvantage as well. If your child is not well, then you have to take time off to look after him. But once you get use to the arragement, it would be good for your DS and your family.

tashidelek2002 · Jul 28, 2011

It seems to me that the six of you need to have a family conference and talk about everyone's concerns, needs, problems, etc. and see if between you you can find a mutually beneficial solution. Perhaps after the conference, you will decide on child care or maybe between you you can find a new solution that no one is seeing right now. If you conference, at least later there will be not hard feelings and everyone is going on the same path.

Rihana · Jul 29, 2011

Tell them he is now old enough to need socialization with children of his own age, and daycare is good for that. When parents or in-laws take care of a child, they cannot be told how to do it down to the last detail. If they are a little lax in disciplining the child or overindulge him, it is part of the package. A small price to pay for the peace of mind that a family member taking care of child brings.

If finances allow, you could have your parents and in-laws visit you after he is in daycare. So they don't feel that you don't want them staying with you.

Either accept their ways of looking after your child with a smile, or look for a daycare and put your child in the daycare. If you choose the latter, stop explaining or discussing it to get their approval or to make them understand. Take your decision, give it time. As the child grows, they will love to interact him and all this will be history. At the most, it'll get mentioned a few times and you can turn a deaf ear to it.

armummy · Jul 29, 2011

Your child is old enough to be in a day care and enjoy it. Why don't you put him in day care. You will nto regret it. Try.. Parents cannot take care for ever, so today or soem time later , you ahve to find your arrangement.

Find about good child care /daycares in singapore and put your child there.