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Relationship Hijack And Banter - 3

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Nov 20, 2019.

  1. Laks09

    Laks09 Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    @SunPa - I empathize with you. My DD has classmates from all over the world and I often wondered how those moms are coping by sending the children so far. Trust me, the kids are doing great. They are well adjusted, enjoy with their peers and are living the college life just like the rest of the kids on campus.

    My DD is only a car ride away and I still worry. I can only imagine your angst. Your DD has the skills to navigate her world safely. Rest assured, she will do well. You’ve prepared her well. They have to fly the nest sometime. We will still be moms and continue to worry about the things we may have forgotten to share with them but trust me, they have it. Just the other day, I was asking DD about not drinking anything anyone offers her and she was telling me that she’s been following that since HS! It’s like suddenly this worry hits about not having told her something and to then realize that they do have the skills to keep themselves relatively safe, have a good life and be responsible for themselves.

    The other day, I was worrying about DS and his brand new school and how he would cope without anyone he knows. I drove myself sick with worry and then come third day of school, he comes walking out all by himself to carpool when his name was called. Even with all his challenges, letting him go to the big school was the better decision.

    Kids of all ages need to be given opportunities to be their best independent self and sometimes that means moms staying home and letting them explore their world. Letting go is so hard for us but it’s essential for them.

    Especially girls need to learn to be by themselves and take care of themselves. I find grown women still lack the strength to make their own decisions. Although getting input from others is a good thing, being responsible for oneself and one’s decisions is a very important milestone for young women.

    The open channel of communication you have with your DD is a great thing. She’s bound to keep you in the loop for everything that you need to be aware of. Letting go becomes easier when they have the connection to come back home when they need to rest their wings a little. Don’t worry at all. She will do great!
     
  2. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @SunPa and @Laks09,

    Raising a daughter who has independent views and ready to handle things on her own is a remarkable accomplishment by itself. Just imagine how hard it would be if she is dependent on the parents to make decision for her and how worried the parents would be to think she is alone with no decision-making power. There are many other things she is handling at present independently and when she is ready for a family, she would definitely let her mother know about her plan to construct a family of her own. There is an embedded connection with the mother that remains dormant while exploring studies which comes backs when she needs help. What you both have built over a period of time with your daughter when she was with you is invaluable even though you don't see it at present. The bonding that is built up front when she is a child comes back again later to discuss life-changing events. In the meantime, all that the parents can do is to stay in touch and encourage and appreciate her for her decisions. When she gets to the level of maturity as an adult, there are some inherent validation techniques she builds in making her choices. Everything may not be transparent to the mother but it is working silently behind the scene. Particularly, when she does well on her own, there is nothing to be afraid of. No news is always a good news. I recall what @Gauri03 said in her Positivity post that most of our sufferings are in our imagination than in reality.
     
    Last edited: Aug 30, 2021
  3. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    This whole touching the feet of elders or prostrating before them to seek their blessings can be such a beautiful practice and a nod to our culture if it is voluntary, from the heart, never forced, and done more or less equally by men and women.

    Instead, a common scenario is a woman surrounded by "elders", about 12-20 people in total, one of the elders telling the woman to touch the feet, pointing out any missed feet, and as she hovers indecisively half bending, half looking up, trying to figure out the next pair of "target feet", the elders actually all helpfully provide varying views on which feet deserve the respect, and did the woman bend low enough to show that respect.

    Even the most modern woman would be more than happy to do this feet touching if her husband does it along with her, just before her or just after her.
     
    Last edited: Sep 13, 2021
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  4. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Rihana,

    There are a few principles we apply before we prostrate:

    1) We always prostrate together as a couple
    2) The one who we prostrate is believed to be a person with good heart and ready and willing to bless us
    3) We always volunteer prostration unless it is a directive from a priest in a function we conduct. We don’t allow others to pick and choose who we need to prostrate.

    My son is 32 years old and he would prostrate voluntarily to seek blessings from elders. When some elders resist prostration, he simply hugs them to express his love.
     
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  5. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    :clap2::clap2:
    Why do you make sooooo much sense every single time?
    I mean can anyone look into the matter in a different angle and provide a perfect perspective ?
    Only you can Rihana.
    :worship2:
     
  6. NOW

    NOW Silver IL'ite

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    So true ! Many times we just start analysing and advising after hearing the reaction of one person to the situation.. only wiser and experienced folks see past the poster’s statements and sense the whole thing appropriately. On top of it no one is offended and thoughts are conveyed so elegantly!!
     
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  7. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    Will elaborate some points in detail.

    A woman needs help from another woman if she wants to balance a career with family. That woman can be a mother, MIL, an alternate caretaker for the child like a nanny etc. I had choice of taking help of both my mom n MIL to leave to child to be taken care of so that I can finish my course n get back to job.
    Mom feels I'm doing the right thing by choosing to start my career now after a break of 2 years. Infact me quitting the job was the last thing she wanted me to do. MIL feels it's not okay to start a career now or anytime sooner and nothing else should be my priority other than giving my time to the child.

    I'm ready to go back to job with help from these two ladies. But last 6m when I was finishing up a course I have realised that my MIL is not comfortable with taking care of the child. She takes care well but two things :
    1) her old age doesn't permit her to be physically very active . I respect that she needs rest now n I cannot expect her to run behind the lil one . The many instances when she has come back to me n handed over the baby in the middle of my classes n studies gave me a feeling that " She is not someone whom I can give my baby to take care of "
    2) As I mentioned she's not in favour of my career oriented mindset. It was difficult to make her understand that I needed to start my career now. Yes my husband tried too to tell them that financially he needs my help. But their(in laws)views differ from our choices.
    When it comes to leaving my child from 9am to 3 pm (as of now I have started part time with this timings, very soon I'll be taking the evening shifts too) I am able to trust my mom. I'm comfortable with my mom because I can tell her, give her small instructions wrt baby care like no TV time for the baby, no mobile and distraction feeding , fixed sleep time, no biscuits and sweet snacks instead replace with fruits n veggies. My mom is ready to take my instructions without getting offended. She did get offended initially but we always found a way out. We came to a balanced ground with some arguments n fights.

    When I tried this model with MIL misunderstandings cropped up. Mil couldn't accept my way of bringing up a child. I couldn't accept her way of force feeding, giving sugar water to crying baby ,starting early solids n few other things. Though my husband said I should not make it an issue n go with his mom's way I could not do it. Yes she's more experienced in child care than me but 1980s style was not working out in 2020 for me. Conveying it correctly to her in a assertive tone , ignoring her ways was the last thing I could do . The same arguments/fights happened with my mil too but the difference is we could not find a common ground.

    Regarding the discipline part in your question I will answer more elaborately sometime.
     
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra IL Hall of Fame

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    @Anusha2917,

    Now I understand your situation completely. The word "Trust" confused me. Your mother-in-law unable to take care of a child for long hours and not able to follow the instructions of how to to take care of your baby (because of her feeling she knows how to raise a baby), I would classify as "unable to perform child care" category instead of "trust" category. Trust issue comes in only when you feel your mother-in-law could be reckless.

    You, as a mother, has every right to determine what you would feed your child and how you would take care of your child. Besides, your mother-in-law rejecting your decision to pursue career might affect her ability to take care of your child.

    Thanks for clarifying it.
     
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  9. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 Finest Post Winner

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    : ) Thank you Sir. I will leave it at here.
     
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  10. SunPa

    SunPa Platinum IL'ite

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    It felt so nice to hear from you @BhumiBabe Thanks for sharing.

    You have always come across as a remarkable woman, who is grounded and empathetic and has such clarity of thought. And what you have been thru and how you have followed you heart even faced with such uncertainties, and with no family support, and still strive you best with such positivity , with no bitterness, just proves how a person-next-door can do extraordinary thing. My admiration just grows.

    To over come challenges that you have faced is hard, but to do so with grace, that is what makes it so beautiful. You are atleast a decade or two younger than me, but such wisdom, such courage.

    All the best to you, hope the universe conspires with you to fulfil all your dreams. <3
     

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