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Relationship Hijack And Banter - 3

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Nov 20, 2019.

  1. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello: Sir I'm sure you are kidding here.
    It's no joke to stay in quarantine or get admitted in hospital for Covid .
    It's definitely not a tangible option for OP's problem. Anyway your sarcasm is something I will admire here :thumbup:
     
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  2. winterhue

    winterhue Finest Post Winner

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    Thats probably when the daughter-in-law steps into the household and the MILs attention shifts completely from tending to the husband "boy" to son "boy" and ensure that son boy is well taken care of :) Husband then "matures" from centerstage mode into spectator mode.
     
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  3. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Aah I get it. : ) Husband in spectator mode reaches for the TV remote, buries his nose in the newspaper and generally fades into the sofa. : )
     
  4. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:Thank you. But then, I suggested those plans only out of my empathy to the author of thread and only after seeing her describing her woes in numerous posts in the past and now more frequently of her dharmasankgad situations.

    • An out of box idea seemingly ridiculous sometimes yield stunning and perhaps desired results.
    • I had also stated therein example of what my friend did to overcome his stubborn parents in more or less similar circumstances.
    • Now his parents turned over a new leaf and his parents too shifted to senior home.
    • Near yet far yet amicable settlement.

    I trust you admire me for this post too.
    Regards.
     
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  5. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    :) I badly needed this and not random at all. I feel it came at the right time for me.
    I find myself getting possessive with the baby and feel I should be with her , teach her eat , watch her take that first steps , take her to the park and see her play , keep watching those sweet talks which she will do etc etc. and the thought to go back to work takes a backseat (Though I am searching).
    I guess this is normal for new moms to feel this way or am I feeling something unusual ?
    I know eventually I will go , just the matter of time when .
    I am reading your reply , re reading and making a note of it mentally. :)
     
    Last edited: Feb 4, 2021
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  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Oh yes ... kids do this and they do it so smoothly. Mine won't do it get either parent worked up .. but will carefully tell only one parent about something if needed.

    "If I was the one you were telling about the courses you chose for the next sem, why are you telling only dad that you are taking one more? "

    "Because you were sleeping"
    is an answer I have actually received. : )
     
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  7. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    So I thought I was unduly scathing about the book there (calling it a Regency romance...). I skimmed through my pdf again to find some good points to list. I sincerely tried. Here's what I found:

    ... respecting your husband simply means that even if you don’t agree with him, you still honor his decisions for his life. A respectful wife can listen to her husband talk without offering suggestions or helpful tips. And a woman who respects her husband will apologize when she’s disrespectful, just like she would apologize for being cranky or being late.

    Respect means that you don’t dismiss, criticize, contradict, or try to teach your man how to do something better, because you trust him and expect the best outcome from him already.

    Prescription: Act as if you respect your husband—even if you don’t feel respectful, just the way you would act confident at an interview or giving a talk. It’s okay to fake it ‘til you make it.

    A powerful way to quickly restore intimacy is to think of a specific situation where you criticized, insulted, contradicted, or belittled your husband and offer an apology. Use the phrase “I apologize for being disrespectful for…” and reference the specific situation.

    I get that any relationship advice book will have silly or corny /cheesy parts and we take what works for us but stuff like the above is not cool. Not even if "wife" is replaced by "partner." The ones that stood out most to me:

    1. "fake it till you make it" applied to respecting husband. !!

    2. For a quick restoration of intimacy, do a database search for a specific situation and offer an apology "I apologize for being disrespectful for ... <describe the situation >" Good Lord. Not apologize for what exactly caused the intimacy to be paused... find a general reason to apologize and you are back to intimacy!!

    3. "A respectful wife can listen to her husband talk without offering suggestions or helpful tips." Seriously? It is proper to listen the other person out before offering suggestions. The author actually says later, "One big exception is if he asks for your preference." Otherwise, she says the woman should only nod.

     
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  8. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    ^^^ I decided not to comment over "there", because I had thought of baboons, and how they present rump to the big troop leader, just to make the leader feel good about his status.
    Both female and lower ranking males present rump, and the big male would either oblige by desultory penetration or reject without action.

    P.S. NatGeo African Wild Animal shows are not at all PG... :tonguewink:.. albeit with deep morals for group dynamics and social behaviors.
     
  9. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Another example below. If a marriage counselor ever advised me that, I would have to work hard not to punch him/her in the face.

    In the book, the author recommends that if the man undermines the woman's authority as a mother, she should let it go. Choose harmony and intimacy with your husband, avoid stress and tension in the home. Forget about teaching the child life skills and responsibility.

    --------
    "Tiffany had been feeling resentful about picking up dirty clothes her daughter Anna
    was throwing on the floor instead of in the hamper. Instead of letting the resentment build, she made a new policy: When her daughter put things in the hamper, she would wash them for her. Anything not in the hampe rwouldn’t get washed.

    Her daughter didn’t pay much attention to the new policy and continued
    to leave clothes on the floor. Tiffany was prepared to follow through and let the consequences be what they may, but her husband came in and gathered up all the dirty clothes—even the ones on the floor—and washed them.

    Tiffany was hurt and angry that her husband was undermining her efforts.
    She asked him to stop, explaining that she was trying to teach their daughter the consequences of not using the hamper, but her husband was more interested in getting the chores done than worrying about where the dirty clothes belonged.

    Frustrated, Tiffany wanted to know how she could get her
    husband to stop washing her daughter’s clothes and help Anna understand that actions have consequences.

    I asked Tiffany what the benefit would be to her if her husband did stop
    picking up the clothes off the floor. “I would get my daughter to start picking up her clothes,” she answered. I asked her how it would benefit her if her daughter started picking up her clothes, since she was not planning to pick them up herself. Tiffany thought hard and said, "Well, her room wouldn’t be such a mess all the time.”

    “How does it affect you if her room is a mess?” I asked.

    “I don’t like to see the mess in there!” she said. “In fact, I’m sick of it.”
    “Is it within your control to have her room be tidy?” I asked.

    “Well, so far it doesn’t seem like it is,” she said. “I guess you’re right. I would love to have it be tidy, but I can’t make her clean it and I don’t want to clean it myself. I can always close the door and walk away,” she admitted. “That might be the best thing.”

    It’s reasonable to want to have order in your home, and it’s reasonable
    to want to teach your daughter to be tidy. But as much as Tiffany felt that her husband was undermining her efforts to mother her daughter, it would have been just as interfering for Tiffany to insist that her husband do things her way. After all, dads often do things differently than moms. …
    This also allowed them to have their own father-daughter relationship without interference from Tiffany.


    … By detaching from the outcome, she was choosing harmony
    and intimacy with her husband over a few dirty socks that she no longer has to pick up. She even took a playful approach by saying to her daughter, “You’re so lucky your dad did the laundry! Otherwise you’d have had to go barefoot today.”
    ----------
    Note that the husband in the book does not have to come up with another way to teach the daughter about putting clothes in the hamper. He can clean up the daughter's room and get back to important things like his work laptop or Netflix.

    ==========
    One of the moments the kids and I still remember clearly, years later, is one of the few times DH spoke sharply to one kid with a slightly raised voice. Kid was whining at the table post dinner to dad about some chore I was making him/her (re)do and said something not nice about me. DH said, "You will not talk like that about amma..."
    Disbelieving kid: "But amma said, ...made me ..."

    "I don't care what she said or what she did. You will not talk like that about amma." Exit stage right. : )

    LOL ... the kids and I were both equally shocked. Surprise at the same thing unites people like having a common enemy does. : ) We all went to bed that night subdued and bemused for different reasons. : )


     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2021
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  10. Hopikrishnan

    Hopikrishnan Gold IL'ite

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    ^^^ Tiffany has to look for a method of retroactive birthcontrol to get rid of Anna.
    [just for your info' ... to any kids out there] Parents had always been wanting such innovations.
     

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