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Relationship Hijack And Banter - 3

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Nov 20, 2019.

  1. Novalis

    Novalis Gold IL'ite

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    Damn! Everyone's so guttered in finding that elusive soulmate.

    In the intended pursuit of marriage, the questioning of financial undertakings of the prospected spouse is not too gross nor is it misbehaving to probe each other of their combined wealth. That inquiry is the most organised and forthright in such conventional partnership. Hey, what are your constraints and prospects?

    However, the Homo Hybrid 2.0, having acquired the taste of woo-ship and the resolution of partner-ship is straddled between competing goals. Wanting to experience that falling for someone, yet, not willing to overlook the economic disparity in the lead up to marriage. At least in that guise of suitability matrix, that financial inquiry could be brought forward, once that is satisfactory, both might further their interest in each other.

    The challenge is greater in the modern times with dating and pursuing that liberal sense of organic attraction.

    Tricky on the first date, unlike the confrontation seen earlier, both have to infer the money matters through observation and etiquette.

    While the man is jittery in offering to fully pay the dinner without misjudged as patronising the woman, she, on the other hand, does not want to invoke the suffragist in her intimidating the man. A bit of snap and pull ensues, I will pay, that's alright, I will pay. I want to pay. I do. Who should pay the first bill, because it sets an impression in chivalry for the man and in esteem for the woman. A slight mishap in that 'snap and pull' could upset the budding interest. Splitting the bill is un-charming!

    And vacations?! Brooklyn and Tacos are manageable with less awkwardness but what about that Sharm El Sheikh for the Memorial Weekend.

    Bells and trance, still only a year into the developing relationship, not wanting to jeopardise, not willing to assert, it takes nurtured years to even out the generous or lop-sided planning. How do emerging couples split their holiday expenses. Honey, you do the ticketing. I will take care of the Airbnb. They are just warming up in the relationship not wishing to sour it by confronting the Black-Scholes-Merton formula in pricing the dating option. Are they in-the-money or out-of-the-money when they call the relationship quits.

    The modern romances juggled in financial planning of dinner and holidays is challenging over the book keeping in customary match-up. Not unmannerly to inquire the other's financial contribution to the household, but how is one to inquire: Babe/Cuddly Bear, have you paid in advance for the sightseeing? One can get away making gainful inquiry in the propositioning setups, but the starry-eyed modern daters are dumb-founded in credit swipes not risking the fate - she/he is the destined love of my life!
     
    Last edited: Apr 11, 2020
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  2. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    :hello:
    For their own daughter as DIL in another home they have preferential treatment and expect her in laws to be cordial but when it comes to their own DIL THE SAME PERSONS ACT differently and speak acryimoniously.
    Why this partisan attitude? Is it in their DNA?
     
  3. Novalis

    Novalis Gold IL'ite

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    Last night, I read John O'Farrell's novel "The Man Who Forgot His Wife". The fictional story is about a divorcing husband who wakes up amnesiac in a hospital to fall in love with his visiting and estranged wife instantly. The novel is witty narrating the confusion and reluctance of a man while divorcing his now-found attractive wife. After much comedy, regaining memory, inflicted by false memory, the end is all well. The concluding page had an insightful dialogue between Vaughan (the amnesic husband) and his friend:

    "Fair Point.But having completely lost my past, it makes you realize how all that stuff can actually get in the way. Countries go to war over distorted versions of history; couples get divorced from accumulating bitterness about stuff that never quite happened the way they remember it."

    "So what's Vaughan's solution to the problem? Everyone should get chronic amnesia and not recognize the person in the bed beside them."

    "You don't need amnesia for that. I am just saying that you have got your version of the past, and now I have got mine back, we should each respect the differences."


    Cross-referencing another non-fiction book on similar theme I chanced on recently, I began to wonder how much of our memory is faulty. The other person might not have spoken in that intensity, with that viciousness, in that temper, with that motive, but we hang on to our processed memory of that event. The non-fiction book lists various psychological experiments done on volunteers to verify the truthfulness of that intensified memory. The volunteers were surprised that the actual footage revealed different wording and tone from what they remembered. The recalls were amplified in bitterness, heightened in vocabulary with no evidence of such utterances in the footage. But the participants asserted vivid memory of that in their brains.

    Vaughan's reunion with his wife plays up that unreliable memory, things might not have quite happened the way we remember it. Would the family contention be avoided if spiralling couples retreat with the neurological insight -- you have got your memory of the past, and I have my irreconcilable memory of the same event, we should each respect the differences as we can never be certain about what definitely happened without installing cctv in our home and reviewing the footage.

    The novel is funny and thoughtful on bitterness accrued from the past clashes which are then unduly intensified in our memory circuit. A Charlie Kaufman's trope of falling in love after falling out of love when obliterated of sticky memories.
     
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  4. Novalis

    Novalis Gold IL'ite

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    An insight fleeted on watching the last scene of Bridget Jones Diary.



    Bridget: Nice boys don't kiss like that.
    Darcy: Yes, they f-king do!

    That scene is critical. Apart from busting Darcy's inner demon that he is playful and flirty, which until then was portrayed as prim and mannered, that revelation was borne in frugal dialogue, making more sense than the sum of its verbal parts. Darcy's wicked sense of playfulness is revealed in that thrift utterance.

    I had a conversation last year on categorical men on the lines of simply non-existent. No man is categorical!

    Even the most boring, clueless and uninspiring man to a woman could be transformative about himself to another woman. He might delight one woman but be impassive with another woman. So, yesterday I was asserting, look at that Darcy, he was playful to Bridget, though the whole world thinks of him as standoffish. Never can label a man as so and so ..he is just that so and so to some women but he might be imaginative with the Bridget of his life. It takes something for a man to decide what he wants to be with the woman.
     
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  5. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    Deleted. Was a random question about shaadi.com stuff.
     
    Last edited: May 29, 2020
  6. Rihana

    Rihana IL Hall of Fame

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    This happened about 3-4 years ago, but my friend still brings it up, so asking for opinion:

    I was visiting India, the friend and I made plans to meet for lunch at an old favorite restaurant followed by walking around a fancy new mall or coffee in a bookstore nearby. She and I set aside about 4-5 hours on a weekday including travel time.

    We had gotten back in touch after more than two decades. She got married very young, had kids very young. So, we reach the restaurant at about the same time. Turned out her son (mid-20's) drove her. He joined us for lunch. Naturally, conversation was a little stilted as we kept trying to include him in the talk. It became obvious that he was going to stick with her the entire time. My subtle suggestions that he leave us 'boring old women' for a while etc. didn't help. Friend was looks like proud of her son's achievements and often talk turned back to his education and own business etc.

    So, after about 2 hours of lunch (very busy popular restaurant), I skipped ordering dessert, and made some excuse and we parted ways, we didn't do the mall/book store thing.

    She still blames me for not spending enough time with her that day as per the plan.

    Thoughts? What could I have done differently?
     
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  7. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    You ought to have called from the restaurant your son or and daughter who I assume travelled with you to India - to join the party at once.
    For being blamed now answer should be that you forgot to bring your son and daughter for that meet.
    Thanks and regards.
     
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  8. Angela123

    Angela123 Gold IL'ite

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    I would be honest with her, if she was a close friend of mine and I wanted to spend one on one time with her.
     
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  9. joylokhi

    joylokhi Platinum IL'ite

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    IMO what you did that day by cutting short your proposed plan time was perfectly alright. Now that she questions you and brings it up, you could tell her plainly that you felt at the time, that her 20 -something year old son would definitely have got bored having to spend the whole day with the two of you!
     
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  10. winterhue

    winterhue Silver IL'ite

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    Honesty is definitely the best policy. If the friend is a close one, you can be direct with her the next time she brings it up saying " I wanted some US time, but since your son came along - I didnt think we would get it".
    If the friend is not a close one OR is someone who may be offended and you need/want to be diplomatic , you just apologize and mumble something about holiday stress and move on.

    Your original question was "What could I have done differently?". I dont think there was something you could have done. If you were going to see a movie, you dont like it half way, you get out and move on - right? I would apply same logic here. So I am with you on cutting short the meeting. During holidays, you dont have much time to waste. So answer - would not have done anything differently.
     

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