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Relationship Hijack And Banter - 3

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Rihana, Nov 20, 2019.

  1. nemesis

    nemesis Platinum IL'ite

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    @Rihana

    The traditional (or patriarchy) system is that men earned while women maintained the home.

    The modern life is that everyone are equal.

    Not everyone made the complete transition from the former to latter; so we now have these hybrids: men and women enjoying the perks of 2.0 times while their brain still on 1.0 - trying to get the best of both the worlds.

    Thus some men want their working wife to also cook and clean, because 'it's always a woman's job' and women won't contribute to the family expenses because 'man is the primary breadwinner anyway'

    Now add some 'you are suffering? I have it far worse, adjusting is life' grease added by family & friends and this has kept it going - as unhappy, argumentative couples. The hybrids thought it is better to explicitly state their 'i want the best of both the world' demands to reduce that marital noise later and hence such unreasonable (as per 2.0) demands from the 1.0 crowd.

    The one who is agreeing to these is not only ensuring that their marital life is one hell of a suffering but also sustaining this hybrid culture: exploiting happens (also) because you let yourself be exploited.

    @Amulet

    And the analogy to the cricket ball is only about having to deal with the hypocrisies of people when trying to find your soul mate like, an 1.0 pretending to be 2.0 to secure a partner by any means.
     
    Last edited: Mar 24, 2020
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  2. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    ** Conditions apply as per the hybrids you have mentioned.
     
  3. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    Inspite of all that, he is a Covidiot.... to risk having a grad student bring in the virus and give it to him.
    Grad students are usually reluctant to take on a professor who is old (i.e., close to retirement or would soon have dementia or both), but would be willing to risk one who is ornery.
     
    Last edited: Mar 28, 2020
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  4. Amulet

    Amulet IL Hall of Fame

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    For Ugadhi or Deepaavali or some such thing, there is usually a potluck gathering in a local community hall, or in someone's home. In such gatherings you can shake that proverbial stick and hit a whole lot of people who had been through a thesis rigamarole in their Amreeki-grad-school. A ph.d. or a master's.

    Choosing a thesis advisor is like choosing someone to marry. There is a shortlist..... the available professors in one's department (faculty) who are doing research, and have space in their group. You would interview them all, and whittle them down to two or three. Here are some of the selection criteria:
    • has tenure, and will not be out of a job before I get done in a few years.
    • current students seem to have a reasonably sane existence within the group.
    • does not expect 24-7 presence in the laboratory, ... like sleep with the experimental animals, or a slow dripping chromatographic column.
    • has a good family life....(for girls only==>)wife is hot, and therefore a good chance that he will not hit on me....
    • etc....[not easy to list all I can think of...:weary::facepalm:]
    And then, once selected, and into the scheme of things, grad students live like they are stuck in a bad marriage, and quitting early would have tremendous downside risk, sticking it out would seem like a fool's gamble.

    Many of the desi-wife mindset would apply in being an Amreeki grad student. One has to be resolved to adjust to the adviser-in-law's demands, and somehow interpret all of those to result in some good outcomes. Adjust... adjust... adjust. You would be slaving away in the hope that sometime years down the road (after you give birth to a few publications in peer-reviewed journals) you'd gain acceptance into the family. You would also pray for the good health and longevity of the adviser, because if he (it is almost always a he) were to be paralysed by a massive stroke, or die before your thesis is approved for graduation, you'd be up a creek and no paddles to rescue your career.

    Why are there so many Chinese and Indians in STEM grad school factories ? Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
     
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  5. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Thyagarajan Sir ,
    I agree with what you have written. I guard my privacy with in laws and family. Once upon a time I was an open book sharing everything with in laws. There is a family group with in husband side family. I was sharing a lot of my vacation , pooja etc pics with them. Over a period of time I realised there's hardly any appreciation. If something is missing in pooja the sisters in law and mother in law would be happy to point it out immediately ,they never try to see the other things I have put my efforts in. Whereas anything from sisters in law MIL, FIL will take all their time and efforts to appreciate wholeheartedly. Anyways that's old story now. I don't share much with them and learnt it it's better to keep it private with them.
    Whereas that's not the case with other side of the family. Small /big efforts are appreciated, vacation pics are enjoyed.

    But my question is "Why can't they be happy for their son and DIL Enjoying a vacation ? " what makes them feel we shouldn't enjoy a vacation and share with them?
    After considering them close we share with them, right? Not to show off.
     
  6. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    One should think of gar Jamai. His life would be better then?
     
  7. Mistt

    Mistt IL Hall of Fame

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    In my view Jealous and possessiveness are main culprits in this scenario and they can't accept DIL as their family member so easily.
     
  8. Thyagarajan

    Thyagarajan IL Hall of Fame

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    The thrill of pointing out or highlight of the omissions and commissions of DIL IS RUNNING IN BLOODSTREAM of DIL’s SIL, MIL & to a limited extent in BIL & FIL. It has been destined so from time immemorial. Son’s vacation enjoyment is not of their immediate concern.

    • When dil’s Mil & fil arrived in Delhi, they were sent in package tour to Varanasi and that time their DIL with spouse visited Jaipur and returned. On day four when “ills” arrived, neither son nor DIL breathed about their visiting Jaipur for a day and a half. After some years, browsing album, MIL CAME TO know and was wondering.......
    That MIL & FIL were my parents!
    GOD - You are instrumental behind all “our” deeds.
     
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  9. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    Lol.. This one brought a smile on my face.. :grinning::grinning: thanks for sharing. I was feeling low with lock down extension and came here n read this n felt good.. :thumbup::thumbsup:
     
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  10. Anusha2917

    Anusha2917 IL Hall of Fame

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    And insecurity. :rolleyes:
     
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