Relationship Hijack And Banter - 3

The only person in our family who left their plate on the table every day was my grandfather. He had a special silver plate in the shape of a corner banana leaf, and his own silver tumbler. Guests would also be asked to leave their plates, though many felt awkward to do so and would insist on helping. I don’t know when the tradition changed but my dad and all the men of his generation would carry their own plates.
My grandma would insist that I clean the table afterwards and shoo my brother away saying it wasn’t his job. As if he needed the encouragement.

 

In my home, we have always just picked up our own plates!! My grandfather used to be so insistent on even the way we put our plates in the sink. He always said even if it is for the domestic help, the dishes in the sink needed to be put in such a way that it was convenient for her. He was very particular that someone coming to help us should not feel disgusted by what she is seeing. So dishes always went in the sink after a first level rinsing, at least the ones we ate out if. Clothes that we put for washing, we were to never put undergarments for the maid to wash and clothers always needed to be turned either inside out or straigntened out before going in the pile to wash.

Now a days, my dad can't even get up from a chair or walk without support of his hand on another surface, so I just ask him leave his plate when he is done eating. But when I am not around, he still washes his hands first, and then comes back to pick up his plate. I guess it's just how we are conditioned.

 

The kid that grows up picking up after himself/ herself is likely transition easily into an adult that can take care of their own chores. All about dignity of labor and division of labor. A huge deal for me.

 

We were always told to pick ones plate, clean the residue and put it for washing.
It did not seem like a chore or it was natural.

However, if someone for some reason leaves the plate ( happened usually when someones sick).. who ever sees the left plate first just picks it up with theirs.

My kids and H do the same, although my H's family is not so keen on ones own plate picking, he thinks its a good to have habit so he does it now.

When we go to their place, all of us pick ours except fil, sil and h. As both times when my h picked up his plate at my inlaws he was asked if he was angry on them or was pissed on someone .. so he doesnt.

 

i think this whole issue of putting away your used plates became a big deal because of some discrimination at its core . growing up , we always would put our plates away ourselves . with my mom being sick we never expected it to be any other way. my father with whatever time he had would help as much as possible with cleaning up the gas stove, washing clothes in machine , putting it out to dry and then bring it in , putting utensils out for the maid , and cleaning if maid is absent , putting rice cooker , heating milk etc .
but i cant expect these things at my mils home , there its a big deal if my H takes the trash out , carries dirty clothes to machine , picks up after eating or even if he enters into kitchen. i remember fresh one such instance ..during their recent trip , H was picking up plate to the sink , my MIL in an apparently joking manner (to hide her anger at me) was telling him while taunting me that "you only pay for the place you live in, you only pay for the food you eat , you only pay for your expenses as you pick your own plate " indirectly taunting me that i didnt stop him from picking it up. and H laughed at her joke to not upset her. if he takes the trash out she makes sure that i get to listen to all her abuses directly or indirectly for not stopping him. my fil would eat grandly eat in a silver plate and get up leaving it for mil to pick it up. they take pride in doing that. my ils would shout at their kids to not pick their plates but would they like it if their dd was to do it , no .
now in their absence H picks up plate without any prompting or nudging or would even pick up my plates , glasses as well but does that make me happy ? no. because after the names you have been called for not picking up plates , it does not matter . because his picking up is only in their absence , if they are here to avoid any arguments he would leave the plates as well.
i cant put it in words but i can feel the anguish this plate picking issue brings up.
it becomes a big deal in some households when pride and honor comes into play and it becomes only one persons duty to do it .
otherwise its nothing but just another chore that any adult/kid can pitch in to finish . both are kinds of conditioning i think .

 

It’s like asking what makes a naughty kid ? Is it hitting others or pinching others that is a big deal. We cannot sit and dissect every single chore. Even kids cleaning up toys after playing for me is a big deal, as important as putting the plates in the sink.

 

in years 1960s in Chennai there was a restaurant "bearers free" by name Annapurna near Rajaji hall walaja road/mount road.
2. As a boy I used to go with my friends to this restaurant on the way to or from cricket grounds at island grounds proximity to the kasturi buildings housing office of THE HINDU.
3. One has to pick his or her choice of foods from display and pay for the collected items. Compared to other nearby hotels, Annapurna items were cheap with unlimited sambar and chutney.
4. After finish - eating, one has to clean the metal tray and deposit in the counter.
It was no plastic era.
Regards.
God is not (omni)present in plastic .

 

For me, putting away own plates isn't a big deal. May be I don't see everything in a perfect way and if someone doesn't take away their plate from dining table also I don't mind but I pick up my own plate at anyone's house.