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Relations with abusive in-laws?

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by drsudha, Sep 10, 2010.

  1. drsudha

    drsudha New IL'ite

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    I was going through some posts in this forum and I came across a few posts where the DIL is being mentally abused by the in-laws - taunts, putting down her parents or treating her like she is some house maid, disrespecting, name calling etc etc., yet I do see some people say, just ignore it and be nice to them or take care of them as they are old, basically adjust as they are your husband's parents. My question is - is it a good idea to have relations with such abusive in-laws specially if you are living with them. Why should a woman suffer in silence just because she is married to a man who happens to be their son? Doesn't the constant stress that she is under affects her life, her husband's life, her children's life? and children living under such a stressful environment will also suffer, it affects their future and their mental well being. So, why spoil so many lives? I am not against children taking care of old parents, but if parents are abusive, I think its better for everyone that they take care of themselves.

    Please share your thoughts.

    PS - I am not talking about daily tit bits that goes between normal saas bahu but the abusive behavior of in-laws.
     
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  2. anaconda1997

    anaconda1997 Senior IL'ite

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    Sudha , you are true!!! 100 points!
     
  3. riya123

    riya123 Gold IL'ite

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    I think it is the financial dependence of a woman which makes her suffer in silence. If she refuses to take care of her in-laws, then may be she has to face the wrath of her husband. You see, a son would always overlook the abusive behavior of his parents because he is always raised to believe that his parents can never be abusive or he just doesn't CARE for his wife's sufferings.
    Also, some parents raise their daughter in a very submissive way in the name of tradition, that a woman would rather prefer to take abuse than assert her rights.
    It is all interlinked, you can't pin point a particular cause for the silent sufferings. IMO it is not just for a DIL but also for anybody who is vulnerable- it could be a child, a widow, old people. They do suffer in silence
     
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  4. Skythelimit

    Skythelimit New IL'ite

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    yes.i too wonder how do people, in a girl’s second house of her life are such heart less to ill-treat her. Dont these ill-treats have life long impact on relationship between all of them? they are doing this Just she depends them? because of her position?
    If a girls earns and be independent, then they keep there abuses to minimum? So, finally only a person’s job position, earnings, speaks loud than character?do they can abuse if the girl not strong enough to take their battle, because of her ethics? job positions and earnings are used as protective weapons for ill-treat in in-laws house?.so, all things are going around money?even love? is it the reality?
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2010
  5. monita

    monita Platinum IL'ite

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    I have been wondering the same thing.
    But, as I see it, even now that we are well into 21st century, a DIL doesn't have many rights.
    Parents of a male child enjoy the assumed right of being looked after by son and DIL and so they don't try to build a relationship with the DIL because they know they have the society on their side. No matter what they do, the DIL and son will have to look after them.
    As long as they don't physically or verbally abuse the DIL and her parents or ask the son to divorce her wife, whatever else they do is deemed acceptable. mental abuse is pretty much acceptable as per our culture.
    I know women, who are in their early 50s and they want to be completely dependant on the DIL for food, clothing etc. So, according to our Indian culture if a woman has a male child, she has the right to spend rest of her life taking rest after she turns 50.( This assessment is based on several posts on IL, not my own opinion)
    Also, it's a huge misconception that if the DIL is financially independent, the MIL is more supportive. I know many women who earn very well sometimes even more than their DH, but the DH and MIL refuse to lift a finger. She has to do all the housework before going to work and after coming back. Although physically, she has no problem dealing with it thanks to maids and all but her self respect takes such a beating. The girl who has been given the best of education by her parents, who is competing shoulder to shoulder with men in workforce isn't even treated as an equal at home.
    The DIL doesn't have choice but to suffer in silence.
    She is lucky if the(abusive) ILs are not living with her but if she is an only DIL, she has to live with ILs or the society will thrash her left, right and centre. her life is finished any ways. Bad luck. I guess.
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2010
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  6. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    I feel if inlaws are abusive (extreme name calling, physical abuse) or potentially dangerous (dowry death, murder).... the inlaws and son/dil should not live together.

    Abuse shouldn't be ignored and shouldn't be tolerated. It doesnt matter if an elder is doing the abuse or a young person, it is wrong and can't be ignored.

    My mil was very extreme. I used to get called whore, prostitute, b*tch, slut. She used to make crude comments about my anatomy. She tried to hit me. She told me to get divorced and tried to throw me out of MY house when she was visiting us.

    Maybe some people consider that extreme, while others may not. But I did. So we literally told her to pack her things and leave immediately. At first my dh was angry that he had to deal with it. But I didn't really care if he was angry, because only-son, great Indian male, highly educated groom... whatever they called him.... I didn't deserve to be abused, and it was his responsibility to protect me from it. So I don't feel bad for one second for putting him in the middle of it. I believe, a man should protect his wife, and the wife isn't asking for anything special when she expects that. That is her right to expect.

    It didn't end there. Again we had to stop contact when she'd get abusive over the phone or when she would meddle in our lives. The key is, we were consistent in letting her know that ABUSE was not going to be tolerated by us. And eventually, she stopped it completely. Today we are on pretty good terms. I shoot her a mail almost everyday, and talk to her every weekend. In fact I think she likes me now. And really, I like her too. But we would have never gotten to this point of friendship, had dh and I continued to let her abuse.

    Sometimes she still does things that are kind of weird or border-line meddling... but we IGNORE that, because being involved and trying to influence in your children's lives is normal. I think you've got to pick your battles. And if you are standing up against abuse, make sure it is actually abuse and not just average inlaws stuff.

    There is ALWAYS a choice. Just sometimes, the choice is really hard, or really painful. In my case, I was 50% upset because of the abuse from my mil. But the other 50% of pain was because I realized, if my dh didn't stand up for me, I couldn't live the rest of my life with him. Thank God he did support me. But had he not, there's no doubt we would be seperated today. Every man and woman has a choice to walk away from abuse. Nobody HAS to put up with it. Mil's can be dominating and husband's can be momma's boys in our culture, because it's no secret that Indian women will put up with almost anything to avoid divorce.
     
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  7. akruti9

    akruti9 Senior IL'ite

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    asuitablegirl,

    I have read many of your postes and I know your MIl was very extereme but you know waht now mater hwo MIL is exterem DH never supports like your DH did. He asked hsi mother to pack her bags and leave? he cut contacts with her? Which will never happen in a normal Indian male cause they are 100% mama's boy. My DH will never say a word against his mother he is very very nice to me but only in their absence in their presence I have to act like their slave if not they will ask my DH to divorce me and he also says the same this is what my parents are if you want to live with this family they will be like that only they won't change if you don't like it you can leave and go back to your happy family now tell me what to do. your dH cut contact with his own mother. Theywon't allow me to cut contcat with my MIL. I shoudl not talk to my mother but I should call my MIL no matter how she talks and talk to her . If I said NO then divorce. This is comon with 90% of indian families. Soemtime I feel like realy levaing him giving him divorce but in their absence he is nice to me. In this 5 years of marriage they have stayed with me only for 6 months. I compare my rest of life to these 6 monthsand I let it go but those 6 months haunt me for the rest of my married days but I can't help it. My parents are ok with divorce but once I go I don't think I'll be happy there. Every time I ahve some issue with my MIL my dh and sis inlaws say this is comon we also suffer a lot from our MILs and we just shut our mouths accept everything with a smile on the face ignore and move on and this is what you should do if not then divorce........
     
    Last edited: Sep 10, 2010
  8. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Yeah, he asked her to leave. Actually he asked his mom AND dad to leave and for his sister to stay out of it. BUT at first he didn't want to believe me. He didn't want to accept what I was saying, so he kind of put it off for a while. His support for me didn't happen over night. Also... we always made it clear to mil that we WANTED her in our lives! But only if she could be nice! We didn't cut contact with the intention of cutting her out of our lives forever. We did it to give her time to think about what she was doing and give her time to change. I feel sometimes people just need a chance to cool down and THINK things through.

    My dh was married before, and one of the aggitating reasons they broke up with his mom's CONSTANT meddling. So, I think my dh realized 'hey this is my second marriage and I'm going to end up divorced AGAIN if I let this happen'. It wasn't just my sake he was worried about I think, it was also his own future he was thinking of.

    I think there are probably other men just like my dh, who support their wives. Perhaps though we just don't hear about it as often as the momma's boys. But there are definitely many good Indian men out there. My sil is married to a nice guy too. And my fil walked out of his parents house to marry my mil. And my dad was always supportive of my mom.

    Akruti, I'm very sorry to hear the things you went through. Everyone has different things they can adjust to. For me, I guess you could say I have a very low tolerance level. I will accept any abuse from outsiders, but if my dh doesn't stand by me, I can't accept that. I think... what is the point of marriage, if my hubby puts me down and drags me through the mud?? Personally, if my hubby was only nice to me when his parents weren't around, but turned into a beast whenever we saw them... I wouldn't call him 'nice'! Rather, I would think of him as a two faced jerk! I couldn't love such a person!

    I'll never understand why some men feel the need to be anti-wife around their parents. I wonder... why can't everyone just be nice to each other, and enjoy it? Right now in my family, we're at the point where me, dh, inlaws, and everyone on the side gets along! And it's so nice!

    With that being said, I don't think a wife can FORCE her hubby to support her. That love, respect, support, devotion, loyalty... whatever you want to call it... has to come FROM HIM of his own FREE WILL. I don't know what makes my hubby support me, I just know that he does. Like I said, it probably has a lot to do with his own desires to stay married and live a normal life.

    I wish you the best of luck in married life, and I hope someday your hubby is better able to balance you and his parents. It is something men have to realize for themselves... can't really come from us.
     
  9. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    Not all Indian guys are mama's boys!

    My DH is born and raised in India, came here for Masters. I am born in India, but mostly raised elsewhere, in US for almost 2 decades. MIL is a basically nice person but with her set of insecurities. which can cause issues for me.

    Whenever she has stepped out of bounds, and said or done things about me or my family, he has stepped up to the plate and defended me. Not directly, but indirectly.

    For example, once she said bad things abt me and my mom and when I could not take it anymore I blasted her left, right and center. Ofcourse, I apologized later but she created a big scene in front of her son when he came back from the office. DH said nothing to her, nothing to me. Next day hapenned to be Valentine's day and I was not expecting anything from him due to the previous day's events. But he surprised me with not 1, not 2, but 6 presents, 3 from him and 3 from my 6 month old son. I asked him why he did not get anything for his mom (since he got 3 presents for me on behalf of my son), and he said "some moms deserve presents, some don't". my mil's jaws just dropped when he said that :)
     
  10. Happysoul1234

    Happysoul1234 Gold IL'ite

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    100% true! ASG you have hit the nail on the head once again!
     

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