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Regd my marriage to a man belonging to different caste.....

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Divya25, Dec 26, 2012.

  1. Divya25

    Divya25 New IL'ite

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    Hello:

    I know this is married womans place and thats why I want to post my issue here so I can get advise and suggestions from someone elder to me or atleast much experienced than me.

    I am 25yrs old working woman. I love a man and wish to marry him. He too loves me. He is 29yrs and working as a musician in film industry. Not a singer, he plays an instrument.

    He has mother and his dad expired. Has 2 elder brothers. I have both parents and 1 younger brother.
    My parents are against us getting married. His brothers are OK...they have no complaints neither they are too much in favour of this. His mom is also kind of not much bothered.
    My mom is really really against this marriage. She does not like mainly becos of his job in film industry. My mom thinks people related to film industry have low morals and also they dont have fixed income. I told her he is doing fine now but my parents still dont like. And moreover he is not our caste. We belong to Brahmins and he is totally different caste. My mom is not able to stand this too. Even my dad does not like. But my mom is more vocal on this issue, my dad never expresses it much but I know he too does not like.

    I know this person since 5yrs. Since last yr. we were thinking of getting married. I am not able to convince my parents. And, my parents last month said if I marry him they will never allow me in the house and think they never had a daughter. I am really sad and dont know what to do.

    Can anyone tell me if they were in similar situation, and what did you do to make your parents agree? On one hand I have my parents and on the other this man whom I want to marry. What to do...I dont understand.
     
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  2. teacher

    teacher Platinum IL'ite

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    Mmm, tough one...what would you be able to live with/without? ..whether arranged or your own choice there is always an element of risk. Are you willing to take that risk without any regrets if things don't work out with your friend?

    There is a chance that parents will be more conciliatory later...are you willing to accept the risk that they may not?

    It is hard to find that magic solution to get them to see your point of view. You will have to look into yourself to see which is the least palatable outcome.

    Good luck.
     
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  3. ZenSojourner

    ZenSojourner Silver IL'ite

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    I had rather opposite situation where I was the one my husband's parents did not want him to marry. They said quite harsh things to him, including insinuations about my moral character. They made remarks about unacceptability of children from the union. But, they came around just fine in the end. However after 10 years the marriage ended as my husband had become increasingly abusive. He is currently on wife #3 so enough said about that.

    The thing is marriage is always a risk, whether it is arranged by your parents or by yourself. But, you have known this man for a long time, so it certainly does not sound like you are rushing in to anything.

    Ultimately it boils down to this, is a relationship with parents who resort to emotional blackmail really all that important to you, or (more important) HEALTHY for you to be involved in? I know that there is very paternalistic attitude still today in India but the world is changing. Personally if my son were to marry someone of whom I seriously disapproved I would make it clear to him ONE time that I felt he was making a mistake and why and then never bring it up again - and I mean NEVER, not even if, ESPECIALLY not if, the marriage eventually foundered. I think truly loving parents will not shut the door on a child over an issue like this. But parents are not always the way we would wish. I have family I do not talk to at all any more because they are quite frankly bad people and I do not miss them at all. I had to leave home at 17 because of abusive crazy mother, she did not speak to me and prevented my father also from speaking to me for years, but even then eventually contact was restored (although I was always extremely careful of her until she died).

    I am not saying your parents are crazy but I feel they are wrong to try to extort you this way. Only you can make the decision, to do what your heart tells you, or even to figure out what it is your heart is actually telling you as I am quite certain it is telling you two totally different things at this point. If you choose to marry the man you love, you must also accept that your parents may actually follow through on their threat, and it may be years or even never before you ever hear from them again. If that happens you must never ever blame your husband for this, not only to his face but not even in your secret heart of hearts.

    If you give up the man you love because of your parent's blackmail, then you must accept that you will be unhappy for perhaps years because of this, and that it will drive an invisible wedge into your relationship with your parents no matter how little you want that to happen. Also, you must accept the chance that this tactic having worked once, may be brought to bear against you again in the future. There will be resentment on your side towards your parents for forcing this choice, and again this is not something you can hold against them because you will be the one who ultimately decides whether or not to give in to this type of emotional blackmail. It is wrong of them to do it, but if you choose to give in to it, that is your choice, not theirs. They can only be responsible for having forced the situation; you have the responsibility for what you decide to do about it. If you choose to give the man up and then later regret the choice, that will be at your door, not theirs.

    You are in a horrible horrible situation and my heart goes out to you. I wish I had some magic words to tell you what to do and they would be the right words that would bring you to maximum happiness, but only you can figure out what to do. I will say that no matter what you choose, I don't think you can be faulted for the choice.

    Life is a risk. You could marry the man and in 10 years end up divorced. You could marry him and live happily with him for the rest of your lives. You could give him up and pine after him for years after, or you could give him up and meet someone else and learn to live happily with him. Your parents could arrange a marriage, and that guy could turn out to be awful, or he may turn out to be wonderful. You never know. We don't have a magic mirror to tell us the "right" choice, but whatever choices we make, we always have to hope for the best and go on. Often the choice only becomes "right" because of the way we make the best of things sometimes years after the fact.

    I am very sorry that you are faced with such a difficult choice. I hope that you come to a decision that you can live with and find peace for yourself.
     
    Last edited: Dec 26, 2012
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  4. rkk1

    rkk1 Gold IL'ite

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    @Zensojourner, what a beautiful post! I couldn't have stated it better myself. I enjoyed everything you had to say.

    I agree. I am absolutely disgusted that Indians resort to such tactics of blackmail of their own children. This kind of manipulation shows a lack of respect for one's child. If you truly love your child, you allow him or her to make adult decisions in life and accept those consequences. Deciding on who to marry is one such adult decision that should be made by the 2 parties involved (prospective husband and wife) and not by the parents. I think the parents have LEGITIMATE reasons to be concerned about her choice of husband due to the instability of his professional career, but their threats are completely inappropriate.

    Although my own marriage is likely headed for divorce, I greatly appreciate that my parents were supportive of my decision to marry the person I wanted, and that they are even supportive of my choice to divorce as well. (Before marriage, they also voiced their concern over my husband's professional instability, though they still left the final decision on whether to marry him or not up to me. Even a few days before the wedding after arrangements were made and plane tickets were booked, they told me... if you have any hesitation on this marriage, you don't have to go through this. We can just enjoy a vacation together in India instead of a wedding if you have any doubts about marrying him.) Although my husband happens to be in my same caste, my parents never had an issue of caste, nor do they even have a problem if I marry someone non-Indian next time... as long as the person I marry treats me lovingly. I couldn't be more grateful for their support. This is how the support and love of parents should be. Controlling adult children via threats will only lead to deep seated resentment later on.
     
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  5. ZenSojourner

    ZenSojourner Silver IL'ite

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    Let me just add one more quick thought: whatever you choose, do not allow yourself to start indulging in "what if" thoughts and scenarios - that is a path to suffering.

    When we play "what if" with ourselves and our past decisions, we NEVER think "what if I had made the other choice and it all went horribly wrong", we only think that the other choice would have lead to our ultimate and perfect happiness - which is of course not the case. Even happy situations come with inevitable challenges, and there is no way of knowing what was actually waiting for you down the road not taken. So, just don't go there - it is an exercise in futility that can only leach happiness away from the here and now, and blind you to opportunities that are right in front of you.
     
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  6. 12adityas

    12adityas Bronze IL'ite

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    See the trend above and learn to not do the same mistake - both posters above who insulted your parents and asked you to do what you feel like had gone through divorces. That's likely to happen in your case also if you marry this other caste gentleman. And i am sorry if I come strong, but in marriages involving Brahmins, its the brahmin spouces that suffer in the end. They cant adjust well, dont eat meat and are generally picky people. Even if your lover promises the world to you now that he wont, or if you are completely comfortable now with his meat eating habbits, meat eating will become a major issue later on in the marriage. Search other posts by brahmin members in these forums.

    Parents are accoustomed to using harsh methods to discipline their kids. Your are an adult now, but in their eyes, you are still a child. The same way they probably threatened you with a harsh punishment when you were a little kid to prevent you from doing something harmful to you, they have now threatened you with this now; because they treated you like an adult first and tried to reason with you, that didn't work, so their only option is to go back to basics. Understand them and where they are coming from.

    At the end of the day, when you get stuck in some royal mess (in the future), and severely need help to get out of hell, it will be your parents who will bend over backwards to get you out of that mess, not your boyfriend of his folks. That is a fact. Please keep that in mind as you decide who you should be considerate and good to and who you can take for granted.
     
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  7. shahidafs

    shahidafs Silver IL'ite

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    I just suggest one thing.... "Listen to your heart" and as zensojourner said never just say "what if". In hindi I never want to say Kaash aisa hota.... I just hate this word "kaash"(what if in english)... May almighty grant you the wisdom to choose the right thing... :thumbsup

    @Zensojourner ,, I couldnt agree more to your post and Hugs to you dear for having gone through so many crazy things in your life.. :bowdown
     
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  8. nandita24

    nandita24 Gold IL'ite

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    Divya25,

    What do you feel inside? Are you WILLING to face the possible risks ? List them out
    with their consequences and see what you feel about each such risk. Then drop the whole thing (the evaluation) from your mind. Be detached. Have a change of scene. In a sudden flash your destiny will be revealed - you will KNOW what exactly to do; and then follow your heart.

    Freewill is about making our choice and what follows is our destiny. Accept it with Grace. Atleast you will have the satisfaction that whatever your decision you made it in an intelligent way.


    Nandita
     
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  9. sdiva20

    sdiva20 Platinum IL'ite

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    Divya- Sorry to see you go have to face such a harsh choice.

    I too married a man of my choice (husband from different background) but we have a very happy marriage. Not only is my husband loving and caring but my parents are also very loving and have treated us with love and respect and as we (my siblings) grew up, they recognized the need to be more like friends and not overbeaing parents. The reason I say this is becasue, some people point other's break down of marriage (which could be for completely different reason) to caste and other such superficial reasons. I just wanted to point out, such difference do not cause failure but other factors caused by one or other spouse in relationship is usually at fault for failure of marriage.

    Like it has been pointed out already, marrying a man of your "caste" does not guarantee happiness. Just take a test drive around the "married life" forum of this site as an example.

    No one has insulted your parents as is being insinuated. However, it is true that your parents have resorted to emotional blackmail. You are the only person who can make the ultimate decision depending on what is most important to you. Your bf may not have what is considered a "stable" job but then in today's world, can any one really claim that thay have a truly recession proof job?

    There are many parents who once they get their daughters married (arranged) and if they have any problems, keep telling them to adjust and may not help much as they are more concerned about the society. You know your parents and bf best and with that knowledge, make the decision that you can best live with.



     
  10. shyamalajh

    shyamalajh Gold IL'ite

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    Mine is inter-caste marriage too. I told my parents if they can give me a good reason to not marry my husband , I will not. They should talk to him and his parents and after that, if they can't come up with a good reason they should let me marry. I assured them, I will not marry if they say No. My parents met him and his family with the hope of finding something wrong, but they actually liked them. They agreed and got us married.

    Ask your mom to come up with a good reason not just some imaginary fears about his finances(You said he has been employed for last 5 yrs). Try to get your dad on board first.
    But, first you be sure. That even if tomorrow financial or PIL troubles come, you will not fall out of love with him.
     
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