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Regarding my Brother marriage

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Ramya.maheshkum, Aug 23, 2011.

  1. Ramya.maheshkum

    Ramya.maheshkum New IL'ite

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    Hi ladies,

    My brother has been married for past 5 years.They had a child on May 8th.
    Niw my SIL is not ready to come back , she says she does not have freedom and my brother does not respect her parents and do nto talk properly, is the only reason she gives when we asked her.

    After consulting many doc's they had a child, she says I have had enough for these 5 years , I do not want my child also to suffer.She says that no on erestricted before marriage to go any where and could come alone home late in the night,but my brother is possive, they stayed in an area where there was not too much of street lights, as the apartments were still comoing up, he wants her to come home ASAP, and be safe in these days, otehrwise to call him up and say whre she is , so that he shall go and pick her up from the place where she is.
    She also says that he does not say any decisions what he takes regarding his family to her parents, and want to be cool and behave and adjust as they want when they come home, he doesn't liek that.She also says when u do not talk to my parenst even I shall not talk or respect your parents, before her delivery , for one day since my mother did not talk properly , she called up her parents and informed us that she will stay in an hotel with her parenst and not inthe house, some how we convienced her and her parents , that it will not be good , if she walks out now when the delivery date is nearing.
    On the same day , her parenst spoke very badly and used very wrong words to my brother and mother, they were very hurt.so afetr the delivery when she went to her native, my brother went only once to see her and his child, so she got very offended and said later that she has decided not to come back and she will lead her life alone with the child.
    as I have seen and undergone all these, I would liek to know should I intervene in between and speak to her that the decision what she has taken is wrong and to rethink , atleast for the sake of the child, and we both are from the same town , she also agrees that he has taken care of her very well, but she wants to lead her way and no one should stop her, as a girl i feel that when we go to another house, we need to follow ew things as they are and accept it and cannot say that everythign should work liek we want.

    Please help me out to solve this situation.
    I am just worried about the child in future.

    Ramya
     
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  2. raji2678

    raji2678 Gold IL'ite

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    Ramya, please remember that if one finger is pointed at others, four fingers are pointed at us. Based on your reply, I can ubnderstand that your brother and mother are also at fault. My only suggestion is that advise them first to be nice to your SIL. If that is followed, she will automatically come home. And remember that she will be suffering from post-partum depression as well! Please be nice to her!
     
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  3. Nithya001

    Nithya001 Bronze IL'ite

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    Ramya, it seems that your brother has failed to build confidence in your SIL that he cares for her and thinks of her and her parents as his own family. Your Mom also seems to not have build good relations with your SIL, there is no reason to talk badly to a pregnant woman when everyone knows the amount of hormonal fluctuations they undergo.

    Remember your brother and his wife along with the baby are the family now and no matter how much you care for your brother, you cannot be inside that circle. If the family breaks, if not now, maybe years later your bro might blame you and your Mom for it.

    What you can do is advise your brother and tell him that his wife and baby is his family and he needs to suck up his ego and connect to the newborn and the mother. Also explain to him about postpartum depression and tell him to convince his wife that he loves her and the baby.

    He needs to build relationship with your SIL's parents too. He needs to understand that girl's parents are also older people who expect respect from the son-in-law. Give him your example, how would he feel if your spouse doesn't care about your brother and your Mom.

    Before their marriage takes an ugly turn he needs to re-build good relationship with his wife and baby.
     
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  4. Ramya.maheshkum

    Ramya.maheshkum New IL'ite

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    Hi All, thanks for the reply,

    When she was pregnant, my brother nor my mom did not scold her nor used abbusive words. it is her mother came who used very abbusive words on my brother and mother,she also accepts that.Her mother spoke in a way that my mother is a prostituent.This will hurt, till now I can say confidently we have given all the love and treaded as their own daughter.My parents do not distinguish between me and her.The mistake where it has happened is, what I feel after talking to both of them is, her parents interference has become more, and they want my brother to listen as they say and inform all the decisions he takes to them, and she has one feeling that since he is a software engineer, though he got an opportunity to go to onsite, he did not accept it as he doesn't want to go, she says why can't he accept and go.
    WHen she was pregnant, my mother nor my brother allowed her to bend or do any work, he was cooking when they were in bangalore, once she went to mysore after her 7th month, thought my mom suffers from Disbetic, keen joint pains, she did not allow her to do anything, just asked her to take rest, my mother also got hurted as soon as she chanegs when her parents come to see her and doesn't even bother to talk to my mother, allow her alone to cook and they used to go out and come back.
    I think we being daugther inlaws when we ignore our inlaws in front of our parents, they get offended and feel bad, we need to balance both and atleast relaise what they have also doen right.
    ANd her parents have no right to speak in abbusive manner to my mother and brother.
    what do you all say....
     
  5. vjbunny

    vjbunny IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Ramya,
    Welcome to IL.......I understand your situation very well for I have seen it happen before my own eyes my advise to you is that please dont speak to her...it seems she has made up her mind not to return let the time teach her that she is doing wrong if she approaches you for advise then only will you be in a position to speak to her else you have no right to mediate and may be insulted so avoid this complication let time take its own course.....
     
  6. SriVidya75

    SriVidya75 Platinum IL'ite

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    Can I suggest temporary halt on the moves to reconcile or make your SIL understand...first thing needed here is...Your SIL has to recover from her delivery and the post partum depression.....let her talk what she wants to. you guys dont drag it to ends further. let your brother be patient for a while and once in a while go n visit her and the baby.....do not try to convince her during this time....she has to be given time here ...

    Also pls suggest some counselling/therapy session andunless she comes n goes through those sessions tell her that she wont get what she wants.

    sometiems when people are acting out..you want to warn them even if it means telling them that they have to do this before they get what they want...

    Time sure will help her calm down...but the same time shouldnt separate this couple....its easy to say dont talk to her or dont make her understand or dont try to reconcile...but one thing to remember is...you only said they have been trying for a baby for the past 5 yrs and that she was undergoing some treatments etc.

    So unless she goes to therapy and recovers from delivery no decisions about marriage has to be made. till that time even if it means insults from her/her parents..some times your brother has to take those...for the sake of the baby. (think what would a woman do if the husband wanted to separate?? will she just keep quiet and let him take hte baby etc?? No right? she would still visit and try her best and stick around??? same goes for your brother also)

    pls do not develop hatred towards her. sometimes when issues are bottled up and external influences are also more, things seem not to resolve and separation seems only solution. be patient and suggest to your brother also to be patient....(as we have seen women going through tought imes and still want to keeptheir marriage alive, I appreciate if your brother also shows same patience and sticks around durin these tough times)
     
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  7. harinisripada

    harinisripada Gold IL'ite

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    Excellent points Srividya!!

     
  8. Ramya.maheshkum

    Ramya.maheshkum New IL'ite

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    Hi Sri viday,

    Thanks a lot, sure will have patience. I have beentalking to her, and I wil never allow them to sepearte, it might take time, but sure tome wil heal everything.Since she is also from our own native, we had been to visit her twice in these 4 months, sure will act as you have adviced, I toatally agree with what you have said, Even Ihave undergone the same situation, but i did nto wat to break my amrraige, I took it as a challenge and for my son future, thouth how long will parents, childern and brothers, sisters and and relative come to us, we loose our identity and respect. Now I am able to see the difference.

    Thanks a lot for your advice.

    regards
    Ramya
     
  9. Ramya.maheshkum

    Ramya.maheshkum New IL'ite

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    Hi SriVidya,

    For 1 year 3 months we waited patiently, we spoke to her and called her back and also said if there are any differences we shall sit and talk and solve them, but she and her parents are reluctant, even my brother also spoke to her, but no re-ply from her. we tried for counselling also, but she is not ready to go for the treatment.
    She says you people take the decision and tell me, so we told her let us talk and take a decision, she says no she wil not talk with her parents abt the decision, We do not understand what to do now.
    looking forward for your advice here to move forward.
     
  10. soulful

    soulful Platinum IL'ite

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    Hi OP, by the above statement, I assume that what she meant was that you all (you, parents, and your bro) take decisions and inform her and do not take her opinion.

    In the original post, you mentioned something that indicated your parents have been interfering in their lives.

    I think, this is where the problems are coming from. She feels that although you are "all willing to talk and resolve the issue", the outcome is not going to be any different, because you would be going the same direction as before - that is, you all versus her. She may feel that these discussions do not yield any result and that is why she may not be willing to talk nor is she willing to go for counselling.

    why I say this, is because these"we will talk and resolve round-table-conferences" are very common in homes where the in laws and dil do not get along well, seen many families go through this motion. PLease don't get me wrong - i am not saying your intentions are not genuine, the fact that you waited for so long itself proves that your efforts are genuine - but who is going to explain that to your SiL? and why will she believe your words?

    Hence My humble suggestion would be, instead of saying "we" will talk- convince her that she and her husband will talk. they can live together for now - separate from both sets of families. Basically, I am saying that let the extended family stay out of this for the time being and let the husband and wife rebuild their trust and love for each other.

    They have a child in their lives now and that is another level of bonding and another level of responsibility. They need to get together for their own sake and for the child's sake. Let them come together, once she has enough confidence in him and vice versa, families can start their journey.

    It is just my opinion. Am sure the ILs will come forward with more suggestions. Good Luck
     

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