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Regarding emotional support from spouse

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by lmani, Jan 10, 2008.

  1. lmani

    lmani Senior IL'ite

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    I am a 57 year old female married for 32 yrs.When I go thro health problems I dont get emaotional support from my husband.I have no parents now.How do we overcome this?any good responses from intelligent indus ladies.:hatsoff
     
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  2. Sujimallige

    Sujimallige Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: regarding emotional support

    Dear Lalitha,

    I am married for 2 years.My husband is a v gud person,v responsible and things.But some times when i am emotional abt certain things he dosent even understand y i am upset forget abt giving support.So i feel that is the way men are.I guess u may be having kids and grandkids (sorry if i am wrong).Try reaching out to them.They will help u for sure.If nothing helps read books and watch movies online.U will feel better.
    Take care and get well soon,

    Suji
     
  3. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Re: regarding emotional support

    Dear Imani,

    I can completely understand how you must feel. In anyone’s life parents are their anchor no matter how young we are or how old we get and no matter how many new relationships we forge. I am sure you miss their presence immensely. I always wonder why is it that each passing year I feel I am getting more and more dependent on my parents? I thought growing up was all about being independent in every way! J Anyway. Let me stop digressing here.

    Imani, the one thing that all of us have to eventually learn is to become self reliant in every way. And yes, that means emotionally too. I believe this is true for every person regardless of gender. Our personal worries and happiness are ours to enjoy, lament or improve. Of course we share these with our near and dear ones but ultimately it is each person’s individual responsibility to make things work for themselves at any level. Once you start showing self reliance people close to you sense it and extend a helping hand much more than they may be doing now.

    In my opinion men feel “burdened” when asked for repeated emotional support. Simply because most men don’t think at the deep emotional level that we women do. When we don’t actively seek their support and find our own ways of keeping a happy disposition, somewhere they feel relived and become more responsive. It is also possible that some men never realize, but then we lose nothing anyway since we rely only on ourselves. Getting their support is just a “bonus”.

    Once we take ownership of taking care of ourselves in every way then we start finding ways of achieving it.

    If you are a person who likes people then go out and try to build your own network of friends to laugh with, enjoy with, share with and vent out to. We must never undermine this very essential human need to feel “connected” with other people. It takes time to find the right people but it works for sure and it is worth every effort.

    Secondly, if you are a spiritual person, maintain a schedule to practice that – things like meditation, reading spiritual books, listening to lectures, pranayam. It surely helps put things in the right perspective.

    “Attach” yourself to hobbies that you have. Passionately follow something that you like or used to like. Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of daily life we forget what we used to like. Get back in touch with yourself and find those things. This is an excellent way to drain your negative thoughts. Find people with similar hobbies and keep encouraging each other to keep at it.

    Get involved with the community. Volunteer to do things that you have a passion for, where you can make a difference. Kids organizations, senior citizen groups, people with chronic illnesses who need help etc.

    And of course, as Suji has suggested, if you have extended family and grandkids get involved in their life to an extent that is comfortable for their parents and for you.

    I know this is easier said and may sound like a nice pep up lecture; but really, we are the masters of our life. What we make out of it is between us and God - no one else. Everyone else will join our journey and leave it as per their own will. We have no control over that. But one thing is sure - no one except us is in charge of deciding what and how this journey should be and what should be its final destination. God has given us the power and the tools, we just need to find them and put them to use.

    You have a great network here at IL with so many people who have a wonderful heart. Go out and explore more. You will be pleasantly surprised!

    Wish you all the best.

    SS

     
  4. Ria2006

    Ria2006 Silver IL'ite

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    Re: regarding emotional support

    I agree with SS. She has given very good points on self-reliance.

    However I do believe that 90% males dont know how to give emotional support to anybody. Forget about customized emotional support to wife. Now in this context I believe it works in our favor to depend on others in family. Because if you reach out, they will reach out in their times too. It will only strengthen the relations in family. Husband should be the first choice for you.

    Teach your husband how to give emotional support to you. Emotional support is vague concept for them. They confuse it with wiping the tears or sobbing with the person. It s been 3 years of marriage to me , and I am teaching him everytime I need support from him. wether its about listening how bad so and so colleague is.. How bad office politics could be.. How much my feet is aching.. How much I am tried.. You really need to teach them. They can be more dumb than kid on this topic.

    Best time to point out this is, when they need it. Men are emotionally much weaker than women are. They just hide it too well. And we women, provide support to them , before they EVEN ASK. So let him ask explicitly when he needs it next time. Be it in fever, be it when he has had a bad day in office, when his friend used him. When he is facing health issue.. Anything, before you even do that extra inch of listening or messaging or caring.. Be explicit to him, tell him with love..why doing this and this for him means your love and care for him.

    Always give prelude before you detail on any issue. With men, they listen better and respond better, when their mind is open to the context in logical sense. So next time when you want to talk about your health or about any emotional issue, give him context 30-40 minutes before.. Like once you are through with your stuff.. I want to talk about so and so thing.. This works wonder on men. For women, spontaniety is the spice of life.. But for men, logical coherence is the way to go..

    Many times they dont even mean to be insensitive. They just dont know what way you want them to be sensitive. Train your guy, and I can bet he can be better than close female friends. They are just so good to take out your emotional stress.

    All the best
    Ria
     
    Last edited: Jan 10, 2008
  5. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Re: regarding emotional support

    From personal experience I completely agree with Ria that training men in this department works very well. Training men along with self-reliance usually does wonders in getting what you want from them.

    Sure men are naïve when it comes to knowing what we expect. But there are a few things that we sort of miss too.

    Two such key things come to my mind immediately -
    • 1. More often than not, we unknowingly tend to confuse men or mislead them by not being vocal about our issues. We don’t do this deliberately but it happens due to our inherently soft and giving nature.
    I have generally seen that we are very conservative in recognizing and asserting our own emotional needs. We keep pushing ourselves to tolerate a lot more than we can handle. Then we get frustrated that no one sees it or extends a helping hand.
    I think it does us best if we are as giving and reasonable with our needs just like we are with the needs of our dear ones. Don’t demean or think less of yourself if you have an emotional need/demand from your partner. Most of the times we waste a lot of time in questioning our need itself!

    • 2. Second area is clearly defining what emotional support means to us. Like Ria has said train him to provide that support. But first, clearly define what support means to you. Everyone has a different way of feeling emotionally taken care of. And when it comes to different genders there is definitely going to be a difference in this definition. So we must have a clear idea in our mind what kind of support we expect from the husband in a given situation. Then let him know your definition.
    Good luck!

    SS
     
  6. Chitvish

    Chitvish Moderator IL Hall of Fame

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    Re: regarding emotional support

    Dear Friends,
    I was wondering whether "to pitch in" here at all. But for whatever it is worth, I am here with my 2 cents.
    As you all know now, I am married for "umpteen" no: of years. My husband is a loner by nature, leave alone talking to me.He never, ever expresses his opinions in words, hardly ever. I know, it is not intentional - he is just made that way. As a young bride, I used to feel lonely, when I had to go through rough patches and tough times. But knowing his basic nature, I accepted him as he was.Well, I had no choice.
    Sounding him gently, arguing that he never supported me atleast morally on some family issues, accusing him when I used to lose my temper - all met with a stony silence.
    I finally learnt to draw strength from my own inner self, ofcourse with no malice, not even a trace towards him.
    I fully go by the Vedantic saying
    Sarvam atma vasam sukham
    Sarvam paravasam dukham
    I accept it 100 % from my own personal experience. The more we read books like
    Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus
    Why men don't listen and women can't read maps
    we realise that we can only complement eachother, but never supplement, eachother.Ofcourse, the latter is purely my personal experience; may be not be true in all cases.
    I have learnt to look at it positively from various angles and I thank God for him.
    Love,
    Chithra.
     
    Last edited: Jan 12, 2008
  7. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Re: regarding emotional support

    Dear Chithra,

    What you have written makes perfect sense. Your opinion is worth a lot!

    I agree with your philosophy.

    I believe that ultimately we have only ourselves to turn to. We can try to mould the other person but in the end we have only ourselves to rely on.

    We all need to hear about successful examples such as yours to learn from and to guide us…. and most importantly to feel encouraged to make our life better no matter what the circumstances.

    Thanks so much for pitching in.
    SS

     
  8. alka1960

    alka1960 Junior IL'ite

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    i endorse chitra's views 100%. males cant help it . they r made tht way. we hv to make them extend emotional support vociferously. so best is by being self suffecient. n what better place fo rtht thn being here:). so cheer up all. no one is alone. we r here joining hands , belonging to same tribe with same kind of problems to share with each other.
     
  9. flowerlady

    flowerlady IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Imani, I am in your age group and am married to a totally insensitive man , I have stopped expecting any type of sympathy or empathy from him. Now even I behave in the same way with him and it pleases me no end ! But I do feel alone and left out since I cannot keep talking about my aches and pains to my kids all the time.
    Some men do not know how to say a kind word or do it on purpose , do not expect anything and you will never be disappointed !!
     
  10. Drpreethis

    Drpreethis Gold IL'ite

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    Please keep the discussion GENERAL .. The thread starter had seeked suggestions " more than a year ago " ! So, I am sure, she has either sorted it out or requires no suggestions anymore.

    Since this is a general topic and holds some real good responses.. I leave it it open to discussion. But even if one of the responder chooses to address the OP, probably everyone to follow would simply ' NOT LOOK AT THE DATE OF OP " !

    So, keep the discussion open and not to the member. Thanks !
     

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