"By all means marry; if you get a good partner, you will be happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher"- Socrates We both already had a Doctorate (Doctor of Philosophy), so we looked for the eternal happiness marriage might bring! When we married 15 years ago, we knew we loved each other and wanted to spend our lives together. It was a beautiful day; we felt so sure of our vows and that there was nothing we couldn't overcome together. In a sense, we did overcome a lot together. I have said that we are two very different people who are in love despite our differences. Our differences made us unique but also brought a lot of confusion and frustration. Add to that two demanding careers and two children. We have had our share of ups and downs, but one thing was always there- we loved and respected each other. We never fought over parenting styles (one thing we readily agree upon is our parenting) or cultural/religious beliefs. Since neither of us is religious, our auto mode was raising atheist kids. Another area that we never had an issue with was finances. We both agreed upon the long-term and short-term goals and achieved those with ease. But, even then, marriage is not always easy. The last two years were particularly rough for us. As we grew in our careers, we got so busy with our independent lives that "being a couple" took a backseat. Most of our conversations revolved around kids and science. Our alone time was taken up by work discussion or, in my case, my Department politics. Many times I felt hurt when my spouse won't understand why I was pissed with my Department. I started discussing my issues with him less and more with my best friend and colleague. We felt the distance but didn't know how to reach out to each other. While I struggled to balance my life as a professional and a parent of two profoundly gifted kids, which brings its own issues (a topic for some other time) and never-ending service/travel that I believed was a way to stay successful, life took another turn. I got offers from two big schools, including an Ivy League without even applying (targeted hires) with startup packages that could change my career trajectory. They offered both of us positions, not just me, as everyone knows we are a package deal. It took a tremendous toll on my mental health and our marriage when my husband wouldn't even consider the offers. His argument was valid- our kids needed the stability, they have an incredible opportunity to attend the school for profoundly gifted kids (one of a kind in the nation that many parents moved to our town for), our stable careers, and cherry on top for him- the great outdoors that we are fortunate to have here. However, I felt it was an excellent opportunity to move up in my career and get away from the toxic individual in my Department. I broke down, and he eventually realized how much I was suffering and how distanced we had grown over the last few years. I wished we argued and fought like normal couples, but my husband would rather stay quiet than argue with me. Growing up in India, therapy was not an option. But that's exactly what my best friend suggested over and over. One day, he (and his wife, who is also my wonderful friend) gave me the phone number of their therapist. I called her office and set up an appointment. My therapist is also a professor in my university's psychology department, so talking to her about work was effortless. She was the ear I needed to take out my frustrations and a voice of reason to tell me when I was too hard on myself. My husband had done this in the past, but him being my partner never had the same effect as a therapist telling me to slow down and enjoy my already successful career. She suggested books on relationships, and my husband and I read these together. My therapist also recommended a couples therapist, and we tried it. I had never thought asking questions to dig deeper into our psyche could have a profound effect. My very calm and confident husband broke down in the therapist's office and told me that his biggest fear was that I would leave him if he argued. He told me that while he admired my strong will and risk-taking nature, he feared losing me. He confessed that he panicked every time I said, "We need to talk," or if it was a serious discussion. I had never thought of it that way. I only saw a wall and his decision to push our differences under the rug as a way to get his way. The therapy gave us tools to talk about things and calmly tell each other how we felt in a moment. It allowed him to say that he was overwhelmed or me to tell him that I feel like stonewalled. The last two years tested us in many ways- from my vehicle accident, where I was lucky to survive, to accepting my husband's argument that staying in our roles at our university was the best thing for our family. I ended up taking a leadership role. I stood my ground and complained about the sexist and racist person who was eventually removed from his position. Instead of moving to another university, I am planning our 6-month long stay in South America on a Fulbright fellowship and letting kids explore a bilingual school for 4 months. My family supported me wholeheartedly in this new endeavor- while my kids are excited to spend half a year in a new country and culture, my husband is taking the planning role. He has created an itinerary for a lifetime travel experience through Chile, Argentina, Uruguay, and Paraguay that we plan on taking during our stay. I realized that I am a mere human who needs help and be explicit about my needs. I accepted that we needed to work on our marriage more than anything else. Our love made it easier to see through all this, and I believe we became stronger as a couple and as a family. The last two years showed me that I don't need to be perfect: a perfect mom, a perfect wife, a perfect scientist/professor/colleague, a perfect daughter……I took all this so seriously that I started to feel overwhelmed. The lessons I learned through this testing time were that I am enough and I don't need to prove myself all the time, that I have a beautiful family and a husband who loves me unconditionally and is my forever friend. I learned not to take this relationship for granted. We are continuing with therapy, and every session has helped us become more in sync with each other than before. "The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” —Audrey Hepburn
@nuss amazing thread and reflection on your self and relationship . I'm glad that you were able to have a understanding with husband in midst of all the chaos. You always bring in so much positivity to the forum. Your threads are full of hope. Congratulations on your move. Wish you and your family to get the best out of this journey to different continent.
Heartening to read a real life story of the good, bad and ugly instead of all the whitewashed cloying reels you see on social media. Having been part of academia for a good chunk of my career I can empathize with your struggles. I am glad you found the courage and confidence to seek help, compromise, see each other’s viewpoints and come out the better and stronger as a couple and family. Wish you a wonderful sabbatical and I hope you will consider writing a travelogue of your adventures.
Dear @nuss You made my day. Thanks for sharing this thought provoking personal experience with us. Especially when these forums are busy discussing celebrity divorces and the causes behind them, your post comes with lots of positivity. After a certain period, any relationship will go through some uneasiness, especially when one or both spouses have different priorities in life. We expect our spouses to be our best friends, our therapist and everything in life. This is the main reason behind all these setbacks. Your experience is an eye opener for many, and I wish you all the best
Dear @nuss , Hearty congratulations—on many levels. I love how you persist, find solutions to whatever you face, and don't hesitate to share. These six months in South America, as you know, will make a huge difference to your lives. I am happy to hear that the kids will get to be with you on this opportunity. Best wishes and love your way! PS: wanted to add...digging deeper is something we all should do every now and then - not just in marriage. While the truth may hurt, it is also very liberating. Something I work with students regularly. I think in this fast paced world, we are slowly forgetting it.
@nuss, I have always quietly admired your thoughts whenever you had a little time to post your thoughts. I can't express how grateful I am for you sharing insight into how you and your husband resolved issues amicably by seeking professional help. Life itself teaches a lot of lessons to learn, we don't get everything we need and we don't have to be perfect to everyone around us and at the same time, we have to learn to accept when others are not perfect. Sometimes, our parents teach us lessons they never verbalized. For example, my parents stayed in one state back in India to give stable education for my brother and I, my father losing a lucrative career opportunity as an Engineer. This was observed knowledge than verbalized which helped me to be stable in one state in the US to make my son stable in one location and pursue his education. I can understand this kind of sacrifices you make now in your career is a seed for the future of your children and their successful professional careers. I really like how you described yourself and your husband as two different individuals with differences when you decided to become a couple. This understanding is essential in every successful marriage. The couple are like the railroad that travels together for a long distance understanding the gap between them. Mutual understanding is the key word in a relationship. It took 15 years after our marriage to understand that my wife is looking for consoling words understanding her view points when she expresses her problems. I prefered to stay quiet thinking that adding more to what she was saying is going to make her feel terrible. I also used to feel agitated whenever my wife said, "We need to talk" instead of being brave enough to listen and respond. Therefore, I related well with what you described in this thread. When both couple have successful careers, it adds another dimension to when to compromise the career and when to pursue the golden opportunities. But you both have handled it so well so far. My best wishes to you and your family.