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Recharging After Long Day Of Married Life

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by BhumiBabe, Apr 15, 2017.

  1. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I may be in the minority, but the longer I've been married, the more I feel like I'm not suited for married life. I had lived by myself before I married my husband, so I know how single life feels like, and in some ways, I really miss being by myself and not having to answer to anyone about where I go, what I eat, what I need to cook, what I buy, who I hand out with etc. When I think about it, it makes me feel so selfish, that I want some separation - a vacation away from family responsibilities, my own version of a Las Vegas trip. Men seem to get to do that all the time.

    This week, my husband went off for a business trip, and the weight I seemed to have been carrying, just disappeared. Now he's back, but the weight is still gone (for now). I'm able to get my work done, stay focused on the positives in life, be kind to him and not get involved in fights.

    Previous separate trips have done the same - I feel recharged after escaping the responsibilities of married life. So I pose this question, is there a way to do this, without it being far out of the ordinary? Most Indian families don't think that women can/should vacation by themselves, when they are married. If you do, how do you plan and ask for your personal vacations? When I say vacation, I literally mean a vacation, not a visit to my mom's house.
     
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  2. ChennaiExpress

    ChennaiExpress IL Hall of Fame

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    To me, it seems this marriage may not last. I can understand feeling that way about a parent, but as the time goes by, you realize your parents are old and need to be tenderly cared for like children.

    As for vacation, can you directly tell rather than ask. Book the vacation and say I am going this and this time.

    Or you can book the vacation, write a note, and leave.

    See the trailer for Shirley Valentine. At end of movie, husband has respect for her.

     
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  3. BhumiBabe

    BhumiBabe Platinum IL'ite

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    I'm trying to find a way to make it work, because honestly, I think it's best for my son to stay. He is loved by both of us and our families, and his homelife is not affect negatively at this point. My husband and I aren't particularity close, but at the same time, he seems to miss me when he's not around. In his own way, he wants this marriage to work, and has been nicer (still not what I prefer, but its not like I can change the man). The thing is, I am not able to reciprocate with all the resentment in the air and when we are in close proximity. With our little break, I'm able to recharge and feel a bit of freedom, so I can open my heart again.
     
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  4. WiseAgnes

    WiseAgnes Gold IL'ite

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    Oh OP I perfectly understand you.
    I NEED to be by myself, especially after a long working day at the hospital. At the beginning of my marriage, as soon as I come home, my husband would ask me a million of questions as "How was your day?" "How many patients did you have today?" "Did you have a good lunch?" "Did you see (insert a name of a coworker here)?" "Did you talk to your mom? How is she doing?" "Do you want to take a walk after the dinner?" "Any interesting cases today?" "My sister called, do you want to go shopping with her on Friday?":BangHead:
    Don't get me wrong, I love my husband, but after this flood of random questions, I felt even more tired and annoyed.Yes, I know he didn't see me the whole day and he missed me and wants to talk to me, but it was so overwhelming. Now he knows that I need my two hours off after I come home. Usually, I come home, go to the gym or watch TV on the couch, while he takes kids to the pool or evening walk. Then I'm rested and ready to give my all love and energy to my amazing family. It's not selfish, because when we feel rested and energized, we are able to be the best mothers, wives, daughters and friends to people arounds us. And eventually, everyone wins.
    So, you might want to communicate your need to be by yourself to your husband. Let him take care of the child while you do things that bring you peace and energize you like working out does for me.
    As for vacations, I usually go with my girlfriends and we absolutely love going to Mexico. It's not expensive and brings so much fun. You can check out LivingSocial, they often post amazing deals.
     
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  5. bruised234

    bruised234 Gold IL'ite

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    When you say you want to do it alone, is it you totally alone or with your friends(girl friends)? I personally wouldn't go alone for reasons of safety. I would prefer going with someone I know, at least someone for company.
     
  6. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe,

    You are not alone, most women will feel that way many times in their life.

    I am married for couple of decades and have an adult son. After 5-years of marriage, it was bit rocky. Eventually we settled our differences and moved on, learned to enjoy our life that we worked so hard to build it by ourselves. I am way different than my DH, like...books are my world, read on random subjects of interest that has no use, go on silent mode for an extended period without any reason (no fight/conflict or argument just left to be alone?), non-stop talking or total silent etc. My DH used to be worried if I don't talk for awhile and over time, he left me alone to get back to be normal 'me' again; he is stable, consistent with predictable behavior/pattern in him. In short, I am very moody and not an easy person to accommodate. At times, I do feel like shake off from this life and do something different. I don't have enough guts to do it because in my generation, we were raised with different mindset! I do tell my mom often that 'Thank God, he took a traveling job, and I got my freedom to enjoy myself at home.

    We are compatible couple in many aspects, 'a success story' at back home. Next to my mom, I can say many things to him still can get away with it. As predicted by our astrologer during our marriage, 6/10 for our marriage compatibility. My DH still cannot understand many of my jokes, like my son does and it has to be explained to him in black/white. I am his world, possessive (way too much) in nature, follows me around the house, always buds head with my mom to show off, it's funny to watch them argue at their age to compete for my attention.

    Recently, I was talking to my son and he said, something that hit me hard! We were talking about his girl friend and how odd he feels with their personality differences. As a mom, in a defense sense, I said.....it will get better with time and you will get adjusted to the marriage life. He said, 'oh ya, raise a son like you did and wait for another 10 years, hoping to find a friend in him'. I became speechless, it is true. Was that obvious to him? Old fashioned/arranged marriages didn't get you a friend that we often look for in each other?

    My point is, I didn't have a choice, the younger generation do have a choice to find a friend in their DH. For now, that's what my son is convincing me in finding a perfect girl friend of his choice :screamcat:
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2017
  7. Sunshine04

    Sunshine04 Platinum IL'ite

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    Go.enjoy.
    Go alone or with your friends
     
  8. Shreema86

    Shreema86 Platinum IL'ite

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    @BhumiBabe trust me i understand this feeling very well.... i dint consciously realize certain traits i had in my personality when i got married as i was quite young..ever since i was a child i am happiest when i am alone undisturbed, reading a book ... I enjoy company of close friends but I am not a very social person. Well after marriage, I realized my husband is an introvert to a much higher degree, beats me by miles . Also we have very few common interests and intellectually and mentally mismatched hence we are not at all communicative .

    I have seen my parents tell every single detail of their day to each other when they came back after work,. in my case once I am back home I just want to put my feet up , have yummy food, read and watch tv... my husband does the same .. we both need space and aren't very talkative , so that way it works for us . I have gone on holidays without husband and enjoyed it.. weekends I plan outings with girl pals etc... sometimes I feel like I am almost leading a single woman life, I don't have any " married life" responsibilities as such, cooking and cleaning outsourced... have freedom to go and come anywhere anytime as I please . I had not envisioned my married life this way at all, but I love my life the way it is now and I wouldn't have it any other way.

    I have seen my sis in law and her husband and they can't even go grocery shopping without each other.. they are baffled by how much space we give each other. I am equally baffled as to why people think marriage should turn a couple into Siamese twins .

    Aside from all this , do I feel this way about having freedom because I am stuck with a person whom I don't have any compatibility with, I don't know. Still trying to figure that out
     
    Last edited: Apr 15, 2017
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  9. ashneys

    ashneys Platinum IL'ite

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    This seems to be two different issues. Issues with the marriage itself n wanting your time. Suggesting purely from the travelling alone point of it, I think many women needs it. Working ppl do get opportunities in terms of travelling for work. But home makers esp with small kids can feel stuck at times. You can be 100% happy in your marriage and can still crave for some alone time. There's nothing wrong with it. We are all unique and have our preferences. If travelling without your family is what you want, pick between travelling with your girl friends or groups. There are many good women only travel groups where you can book a seat just for yourself or with company. Women only. They go on both domestic n international trips. Pick based on your budget n liking. This option is better in terms of safety and may find like minded women. U can keep plannin at regular intervals dat suits u.
     
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  10. poovai

    poovai Platinum IL'ite

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    @ashneys,

    Very good observation. Over time because of monotonous daily routine, want to escape from it is very normal.

    If I were in India, I will have chance to attend more functions/celebration/festivals, mingling with relatives and staying away from home would bring that needed refresh air.

    That is missing in abroad life and at times it is suffocating!

    Could be too much of good things!
     

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