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Rebuilding “chemistry” In A Relationship..

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by anika987, Jul 13, 2022.

  1. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    Life is going pretty decent.Husband is a good guy and one should be happy right? Yeah am happy but sometimes I miss the good old times.

    He used to express his care and love during the first few years of marriage.Not that he does not care now..but it is different.Relationships have become more take it for granted.

    Sometimes it will be nice if he surprises me
    Taking me out for a special dinner and just focusing on our talks or spend and talk with me etc..hold hands and walk..small stuff like that.

    Life is more about going to the same Olive Garden,buying from grub hub and yeah special occasion during weekends is giving me some peace by taking kid out to grocery.Cute but would love some extra affection.

    I miss those good old days sometimes:)Now if I go to talk to and spend time with him ..sir is so busy watching some thriller series or office meeting or talking about bills and expenses.Great to be practical but still!

    Living abroad where u have lesser distractions and life revolving around family..sometimes it sucks lol.It will be nice to dress up well and have your hubby talk to u with love and not just care.

    I know am expecting too much at the age of 40..and hope I don’t feel this way at 60:D

    How to rebuild the chemistry and have husband take notice ? Though I dress well and try to look presentable ..the way he looks at me or compliments is not like how it was when younger.:p

    I know am expecting a lot but sometimes this heart yearns for some chemistry and a bit of romance.Either I have to become practical or make some change.How to deal?
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2022
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  2. anika987

    anika987 IL Hall of Fame

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    This scene reminds me of relationships lol

    Her weekend entertainment is TESCO

    Mine is WALMART :lol:
     
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2022
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  3. chanchitra

    chanchitra Platinum IL'ite

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    Following this post for ideas
     
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  4. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Anika, anika, anika!!! :blush: The way you put it is so on the dot ... it is so on the dot.. one wishes the yearning didn't get so well-defined.

    "talk to you with love and not just care"
    I sighed so deeply on reading this, that some dust must have moved away from my desk. : ) "love and not just care" is like wanting to get take-out but the food should be cooked by you. : )

    My honest and un-sugarcoated response is that the "love and not just care" is there in a marriage or not. This cannot be implemented.

    Then how to deal? Settle for something that is close to the best. Surprises, compliments, romance etc are tough to arrange and sustain long-term. Instead aim for quality time together away from phones, tv, and computer. Away from home ideally. Regular coffee, dinner, short one day overnight trips with no kids helps to divert the mind and conversation from bills, kids, school, India family matters. If the kid is not old enough to be left alone, hire a high school or college kid from care._com

    The key is to identify a few activities or types of outing that work for both and to make it a regular event, actually add it to the calendar and make that important (not easily postponed). If it is not made a regular event, life's routine to-do's get in the way.

    Initially, there will be some resistance and laziness.. and one or both will feel "hey let's just stay at home.. it's too much work to go out..." but, after a few times, it becomes almost a habit.

    It won't be exactly romantic and heart beating faster : ) but it will lead to conversations and exchanges that feel good.

    All that being said, it is a lot of work, and often falls on the woman as she is the one who craves it all. It might be easier to simply identify what things bring joy and do more of those independently.

    It is common for men (and maybe women too) to get lazy in Indian marriages because both know nobody will leave the marriage for "lack of romance" : )
     
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  5. MalStrom

    MalStrom IL Hall of Fame

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    Get a babysitter and go out as a couple once a week. Make an effort to not talk about mundane matters.
    It doesn’t have to be just to a restaurant. You can try a hike, art show, farmers market, learn a sport or a craft.Try to make it a regular habit. Men sometimes get caught upon thinking that being good providers fulfills their duties. They sometimes need a gentle nudge.
    We spend so much time caring for others that we tend to lose sight of ourselves. Putting your couples oxygen mask first will benefit the rest of your daily lives positively.
     
  6. drdiva

    drdiva Silver IL'ite

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    Expecting this at 40 means??..Life starts at 40 these days..plz make an effort..talk it out..enjoy
    And don't compare with earlier..make new memories..I remember when our parents were in 40s they never talked like this..I never came to know at any point of time what their exact age was..Until they had some medical problems and I took them to a doctor ..I don't know what's wrong with our generation we are already feeling old.
     
  7. nandinimithun

    nandinimithun IL Hall of Fame

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    Over the years i have realized one thing what can i give in a relationship and when i have to give, no one can stop me....

    I still love the walk, talk, the grocery shopping with hubby, this is my chemistry. I love calling hubby as baby these days and seeing him smile silently....

    I tell hubby that i have a strong crush on him and soon we should go on a date and pretend that we are not yet married,for which hubby replied, yes yes one day after kids get settled, lets go on a date.

    I am weird like i usually say, i still love the way hubby reads the message, finds differences in cartoons with kids, i just xant stop loving my man.
     
  8. Viswamitra

    Viswamitra Finest Post Winner

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    @anika987,

    As the couple age when the children grow up, the communication between them is driven only by the need to address some issues more than a standard expression of love and appreciation for something unique. Such expressions become rare and reserved only for special days such as birthdays, anniversaries, new year, and other festival days. The time spent together gets considerably reduced.

    It is difficult to get back to what it was at the early stages of marriage. However, one can develop interest in new ideas that could bring that closeness including:

    a) Find a common interest such as watching a show or concert, attending a sporting event, walking together first thing in the morning, weekend visits to a nearby place that is of interest to both, etc.
    b) Even a weekly grocery shopping or even a visit to a physician can be made interesting by the spouses accompanying each other. That care automatically expresses love.
    c) Shopping specifically for the spouse to surprise him or her could be another that converts care into love.
    d) Assigning time to be together is important and it doesn't have to be long hours but quality hours together where the spouses can exchange ideas about each other.
    e) Sometimes, togetherness gets reestablished when a spouse brings back pleasant memories of the past. It has to be done in a relaxed setting and at a time, the spouse is not under tension. This kind of recall expresses love for each other.
     
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  9. lavani

    lavani Gold IL'ite

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    lol. Sabzi mandi and Wegmens for me :)

    one thing worked, tried couple of activities like painting, dancing classes alone without too much talking. initiative took from my side , took almost 3 months. now i noticed he is experimenting and trying some stuff for couple time with me.
     
  10. preethignan

    preethignan Silver IL'ite

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    In our case it's the other way round. We were the usual couple who never did anything interesting in our initial years of marriage life. Now it's completely taken a 360 degree turn. Our sex life has spiced up, ( middle age romance) we tend to take walks together, swim together, discuss about anything and everything around the world, harmless gossips , he cooks for us in the weekend, vacations have increased. We take couple massages together. Now kids also know that it's mom and dad's private time and they don't disturb us these days when we go for walks or swim.

    When my friends tell that their life is a monotony I thought we lived like that till our kids were born first 8 years of marriage life, then kids are in their preteen and teen now so we are free. We have a lot of time for us and we are concentrating on our personality self grooming.

    I think it's a cycle. If your earlier days are spicier and interesting you will get to a phase of monotone . It's just a phase. This too shall pass.
     
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2022
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