Reasons to stay in a marriage

BharatS · Oct 25, 2012

If you are being exploited financially, this relationship wont work for you

If you have unrealistic expectations from your husband/IL's coz of your well to do background, this wont work for you and your H/IL's as well. Analyze your category and take decision accordingly

coolwinds · Oct 25, 2012

destinedfate said: ↑

Its not only about the debt, if we lived a peaceful life at home as a family I would know that together we will tackle everything that comes our way. But these guys just dont realize what a mess they are in and that they do need to work hard. The bills arent paid on time, bills go missing, and I've offered to take over managing all that, but they dont let them come in my hands. Ive made a budget plan, but they think its pointless. No matter how hard I try to take things into control, theres no one there to support me instead they are bringing me down along with them.
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this para right here is the crux of the matter. there is no way to go forward and clear this debt mess until everyone is on the same page. i would call a family conference and actually make a presentation of the financial issue at hand, ways/methods to pay off the debt and get back on track financially. this way things stay focused on the problem and not get sidetracked into irrelevant topics. ask them for their cooperation and participation on this financial 'wellness' plan. gauge their reactions, hold them accountable and watch if they actually work with you on this. if there is no progress, i think it's time to move on.

another important factor is trust. they were not upfront with you about their debt, before marriage. so if your MIL starts bleating about spoiling the peace and ruining their life, don't hesitate to remind her that this major fact omission has caused much more trouble in your life.

OP, like Satchitananda said, this is about your marriage and the faulty dynamics at play. you sound like a level-headed person and i hope your husband realizes and appreciates your efforts to set things right.

veeramachaneni · Oct 25, 2012

Marriage is not about Money , Owning Houses or Cars. It is about trust and Love. Which you need to earn by staying together and being supportive to your DH.

Don't mix financial things with personnel things. Stop thinking about the finances for now. Also stop thinking about In laws. Just concentrate and getting close to DH.

How can you Count your In laws salary and think 4 people are working and you can buy a house? Their salary is theirs to keep.

Also how did they end up with so much debt? If it is related to the family something related to your DH's studies or sending him to USA...etc then He has the responsibility to offer a hand in clearing it.

It is too early to think about divorce in your marriage. All most 60% of husbands are Mama's Boys and 90% of MIL's yell/make issues with DILs. Try to find a way to manage them. Don't give up that easily.

cantresistusa · Oct 25, 2012

If you are living in usa, you shouldn't wory much about finance. at one stage if you cant handle you can file bankrupt. same in india too, but deal differently. as someone suggest, dont mix money with family. they are different.
I think there are people who keep spending no matter how low their wages are. they are just like that and you cant change.
so dont think too much, who knows one day you may be overspending than your earnings.so chill.

nandita24 · Oct 29, 2012

Jyothimurali said: ↑

What God has Yoked together let no man put apart............
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Please don't make God a party to all our foolishness. S/he never asked anyone to get married as far as I know.

We need to change the social support system to be more equitable.... And this means moving away from the very idea/concept of marriages as they exist now - prison houses.

Individually this may be rather difficult... but collectively (like every other movement) life can be far more beautiful. And this is happening and will soon build up to the tipping-point.

Nandita

kAlyaniShAnti · Oct 29, 2012

Dear OP,
you have already got a good array of suggestions from other ILites, which cover almost all the angles.

My only point is, your entry to this family has happened through marriage to your H. Paying off the debts, bearing with the misconducts of ILs or differences in cultures and habit come much later. First and foremost is to realise whether your H is with you or not (emotionally, physically, socially ....) That is the key point you need to be clear about YOURSELF to assess the situation.

If the answer is NO, you know what to do.

destinedfate · Nov 3, 2012

Thank you everyone for all your suggestions. Many of you are absolutely right in advising me not to mix finances with marriage. The thing is before marriage they acted like they were well to do, buying fancy things and clothes, and made it seem like they are making their ends meet, now its to the point where they are unable to pay their bills so to me it just seems like they lied to me and my family. My father in law is responsible for all the debt, and it was only because of some bad decisions and mistakes. I know many of you said why I expect them to share their salary for a house or other things, but all expenses are shared in this house, and split up accordingly.

Forgetting all of that and coming to my husband... well he is completely opposite from how he was during our courtship time. We dont communicate at all, he spends most of his time at home sleeping or with his family (they go into another room and discuss things). Every time something important or serious is being discussed between me and him, he either walks away, leaves the house, drives away, puts down the phone... basically just avoids conversation completely. I've tried getting closer, tried making space for myself, tried making him feel extra special.. but he just doesnt care. Every time we argue he puts me down.. and his anger is something I never knew about.. he kicks things throws things.. slams his head against the wall.. I'll make it clear that he has NOT ever gotten physical with me, but yes his anger does scare me, but I do not feel like I'm going to be harmed when he is angry. He takes out all his anger and just walks away. I know everyones personalities are different but do I want to spend the rest of my life with a man who gets angry like this when all we are trying to do is have a normal discussion.. and the solution is as simple as talking it out?? Then my answer is no. I'll make it clear (something I'm not willing to accept in my mind hence didnt say it) he is getting his right into this country through me, and while the process were taking place him and his parents treated me well, now that everything is slowly coming to an end I see this different "dont care" attitude. I know many of you will be disappointed in me and think what is wrong with u?! you shouldve known he married you just for that. But I was in denial.

My heart just wants to get up and go and get out of this marriage, so tired of the daily crying so tired of being depressed so tired of being pushed to such a negative mindset. I think all of this has mentally taken such a bad toll on me that I feel like this marriage is the best I can do for myself. IF I leave him, I'll never find anyone better, and this is the best I can do. I know I shouldnt think into the future, and deep down I know I have potential, and I am still young. But my self esteem has gotten so low that I feel like I deserve this marriage, and this life. I'm 100% different than what my inlaws and husband want me to be, I'm trying to change, trying to compromise, but it feels like such a baseless effort when I am the only one trying. Deep down I also know that if I were to leave, none of these guys would once try to stop me, or once try to come get me(my husband has said so himself) Thank you all for all your help, I gave myself a time frame of when I should make my decision by, if i see a bit of positivity I wont give up on this marriage, but if I dont.. hopefully I gather enough courage to go and make my decision.

coolwinds · Nov 3, 2012

destinedfate said: ↑

IF I leave him, I'll never find anyone better, ....
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read your own description about him and ask yourself- why am i setting the bar so low?

rohinipadi · Nov 3, 2012

OP,
Why do you think you cannot do better than this ?
So your DH and his parents got green card because he married you. And you see different behaviour as their visa processing is coming to end ?Have you ever thought what will you do in-case your DH leaves you.If your going to lead a life with such low self esteem no wonder everybody is walking over you.Learn to be assertive. Looks like this marriage has not provided any good thing for you.The only reason you want to be married is because you have a unknown fear of becoming single. What is holding you back from leaving your DH ?
Its time to discuss with your parents and make a decision.And also in-case of your divorce think how will the debts be divided between both of you
Thanks
Rohini