Reasons to stay in a marriage

parvathi1980 · Oct 24, 2012

This family has obviously hidden their real financial status from you. You will be repaying debts for several years and not having a life. I think you should run if you feel that your husband also does not care enough. Give it some more time but keep your options open.

Rise · Oct 24, 2012

love,emotional commitment,trust,money,kids....... this keeps marriage going if u feel drained out in this few months of marriage ... i guess take a stand either fix it or break it...

flowerlady · Oct 24, 2012

Dear friend,
Generally arranged marriages are like this only, there is a big difference in expectations and dreams.
A girl thinks that marriage is all honey and roses but the first few months are really tough as one is transplanted into a new family.
Also a girl has a lot of dreams and romantic notions while a guy may marry for fulfilling family obligations !
Don't take any hasty decisions , marriage is a big eye-opener.
Don't bother too much about debts , its basically their headache.

Rodrigues · Oct 24, 2012

everything takes time,.if its a new relationship or new job!..dnt walk out of your marriage, and then regret that you could have invested a little more time and you could have done your best.

MaritalBliss · Oct 24, 2012

Just don't pay their debts or handover yr total salary to them pls.

satchitananda · Oct 24, 2012

destinedfate said: ↑

anyways I'm just wondering from all married women.. what is the reason keeping you in your relationship

.....I just dont know why I should be in this relationship or what is keeping me going. It seems like a loveless relationship where husband doesnt care, inlaws and I dont communicate, financially I have to suffer because of them (if they were willing to work hard and make things better this wouldnt be a big issue to me, but they are just the kind of people who go day to day and just take things so lightly)

I'm just so so so confused with my life, never would I have thought my married life would be like this, or thought that I would make a mistake like this. Sorry for the length of this post! So tell me ladies.. what is it that keeps you in your marriage, or what according to you is the most important element of a marriage?
Click to expand...

Dear Destinedfate,

The question here should not be what keeps all of us in our marriages. That is totally irrelevant and are not exactly going to help. True, there are many marriages which are unhappy and continue to survive. There may be "n" number of reasons for that. The question should be what is keeping you in your marriage.

Is it that:

Somewhere in some corner of your heart you have some feelings for your husband and are not mentally prepared to let him go?

You have no feelings for him, but are afraid to let him go for fear of the future or of change of an established order of things in your life?

You still have some hope that things will eventually sort themselves out? Or that you feel that you can talk to your husband and get him to change at least enough for your comfort?

You are afraid of facing social pressures should you separate? You are afraid that you will not have any familial support from your own people after separation?

I don't mean this in any bad way (I don't even know if this is a fact, just asking), but your visa is dependent on this marriage and you want to stick on till such time as you can get a visa on your own steam?

Think all these points over and find out your own answer to why you are sticking around in this marriage. Then go ahead and take whatever steps you think are appropriate.

whatisaguytodo · Oct 24, 2012

MaritalBliss said: ↑

Just don't pay their debts or handover yr total salary to them pls.
Click to expand...

Not that simple. If they continue to accumulate debt, when she get's a divorce she's legally responsible for half of that debt that was accumulated while she was married.

destinedfate · Oct 24, 2012

Thank you everyone for all of the advice. The debt they are in was something I wasnt aware of until I got married and moved here, we did have a courtship of a little less than a year, but we lived in different states so it was a long distance courtship where when we saw eachother it would only be once a month, and when it came to discussing family issues him and his family made it seem like everything was in order and going smoothly.

Maybe I did have too many expectations from my marriage, but it just gets tough when things are completely opposite of what they used to be. His parents called everyday or expected me to call everyday (when we were in a courtship) I made it clear that I didnt think it was necessary to make calls daily, but they did end up being 3-4 times a week, mutually I would call and his parents would call as well. Now when I'm married and my mother in law and I barely communicate it gets hard, knowing that even though it was through phone calls but we still did get along then. I dont interfere with her way of life, never talked back, never insulted her, always been helpful. But the issue with us is that my husband and I would have bad arguments as soon as we got married, they only happened twice, in our bedroom too, but he gets so angry where he runs off or makes it clear that hes pissed, and thats when my inlaws knew that we fight, instead of trying to make us understand as an elder or explain to us that it will be hard, she blamed me that i ruined his life, ruined the peace of the house, she doesnt want to live in the house anymore.. blah blah after all this Ive been keeping my distance, and she just doesnt communicate, even if i ask her something she will just ignore me. FIL is trying to explain things to her but shes just so stubborn to understand that we are a family now. This negativity affects the relationship between my husband and I alot.

I was born and raised here, so not dependent on him in any way(regarding visa). I was raised in a very well to do family, but that doesnt mean I was a spoiled brat. Been working since I was 17, was very independent when it came to money, helped my parents pay for my college tuition, paid even for certain parts of my wedding.

Its not only about the debt, if we lived a peaceful life at home as a family I would know that together we will tackle everything that comes our way. But these guys just dont realize what a mess they are in and that they do need to work hard. The bills arent paid on time, bills go missing, and I've offered to take over managing all that, but they dont let them come in my hands. Ive made a budget plan, but they think its pointless. No matter how hard I try to take things into control, theres no one there to support me instead they are bringing me down along with them.

MY parents know whats going on, and they did agree to support me with any decision I make. I am giving it time but In my head I dont know how much time is enough? Yes I do have feelings for him, and I dont want to just give up on someone I care about, but at the same time I cannot let someone bring me down either. He hasnt stood up for me, he hasnt supported me against his parents and wont take charge to take matters in his own hands. A part of me is very scared to let go, but deep down I know I rather stay alone and in charge of my own happiness, then live in a marriage where I am not happy, and dont see any happiness down the road (at least for now)

I've talked about separating with him before, when his mom said I'm ruining his life and hers and the whole families peace. I explained to him that until its between me and him, we can always solve things or work things out no matter what kind of fight or argument we get in, but because of ME I dont want anyone else from his family to suffer, and if its going to make life easier for all of them without me I can leave (maybe I was wrong in this but living in a house where no one talks to u can get your mind very crazy sometimes).. and at that time he did tell me that if I were to leave, he would never come after me to call me back or ask me to make it work. I realized right then that this guy doesnt care about me a bit, and trust me many of u probably think "what is wrong with you thats the biggest red flag ever" I know that, and my entire family supports me, but its just so hard to give up on something, and just so hard to make that final decision.

Honestly thank you all so much for all the advice it feels great to see so many people willing to help.

ars · Oct 24, 2012

What do you mean when you say its so hard to give up on something. What is the something you have thats keeping you in that silent, unloved, uncared house. Please make a list if its more than one thing.
Sooner you decide better off you will be for your self esteem.
You are living like crabs in a bucket who pull each other down when one is trying to get out off the bucket.

divyapnair · Oct 25, 2012

Dear OP,
I too had gone through the same situation around 4 yrs before. Things have improved a lot now.
On the second month of my marriage, i came to know that they were deeply in debt. My in-laws were not working. My SIL is a govt doc who earns a lot but yet she never gave a penny to my in-laws and
expects them or rather us to help her meeting her expenditures. Both of us are s/w professionals. As my in-laws are not working, the loans were taken in my DH's name. Hence there was not a question of not giving money to my in-laws as everything was on my DH's name.
Both of us have paid-off most of the loan now. It will take 2 more year to pay off everything.
These 4 years have been very-very tough for us. It meant sacrificing almost everything. It is sometimes very
painful when you compare yourself with others. It also took a lot of patience and courage as initailly my in-laws were not adjusting and wanted more and more money to be spent on them. Now are ok and will only request for money if it is really required.
What made me stick to this marraige at that time was the social pressure and the fear of future.
But now I am happy that I have almost made it through.
PS: Lunckily in my case, I was the one who took care of the financials . I have never even let my DH play with his money.