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Reasons to stay in a marriage

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by destinedfate, Oct 24, 2012.

  1. destinedfate

    destinedfate Silver IL'ite

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    I have been a silent reader for so long, and after getting married and facing reality I got a new ID and started being more active.. anyways I need advice from you guys..

    So I got recently married just a few months, and the first couple of months have been anything but blissful, I got married to a guy who a relative showed to me, so not like I was forced into it or anything, but there were lies said to us and we were naive enough to believe them, anyways I'm just wondering from all married women.. what is the reason keeping you in your relationship

    See, I got married and I have nothing positive from any end:

    -Husband is a mama's boy, anything she says he listens to, they sit next to each other on the couch.. just typical stuff that I'm sure many of you experienced

    - Family is thousands of dollars in debt, initially we thought they were well to do because of the way they talk, but they have fallen so deep and still are falling that it will take at least several years to recover

    -They dont have their own house or own car, yes I shouldve realized this from the beginning, but I thought since everyone is so hardworking and once my income is set, with 4 people working full time we will be able to reach these goals, but after I got here i got to know that both my inlaws cut their hours and my husband makes much less than I thought. Their 3 incomes combined meets their monthly costs there is no additional money for savings or anything, so even with my income there will be no savings just paying off the stupid debt they are in or all these other essentials we need to get

    - When I first met my husband I knew he was so hardworking, and I thought that since hes so determined and not lazy and no worthless spending his earnings we together will get somewhere in life, now I live with him and he just had no ambition or no direction in life! Will never discuss future plans, doesnt even stress out about our financial situation, doesnt even have the desire to enjoy with his wife (going out to dinner, movies, weekend trip) And before I started working I expected that my husband would take care of me, give me some money for my personal needs.. but nope! I literally would have to ask him for money/credit card and yet i still wouldnt get it. I dont want to be pampered or get royal treatment, but even when im sick or not feeling well he doesnt show any care, concern.. just goes on with his life. All this I saw after marriage and its just such a terrible reality.

    -In laws and I do not communicate, MIL has fought with me, yelled at me, told me what to wear what to do, our relationship has gotten so bad that we dont communicate until absolutely necessary.

    There are so many other things ( food differences, tv differences, lifestyle differences) But those are all very minor compared to others. I just dont know why I should be in this relationship or what is keeping me going. It seems like a loveless relationship where husband doesnt care, inlaws and I dont communicate, financially I have to suffer because of them (if they were willing to work hard and make things better this wouldnt be a big issue to me, but they are just the kind of people who go day to day and just take things so lightly)

    I'm just so so so confused with my life, never would I have thought my married life would be like this, or thought that I would make a mistake like this. Sorry for the length of this post! So tell me ladies.. what is it that keeps you in your marriage, or what according to you is the most important element of a marriage?
     
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  2. whatisaguytodo

    whatisaguytodo Gold IL'ite

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    You live in the US. Since it's been only a few months get an annulment.
     
  3. cantresistusa

    cantresistusa Senior IL'ite

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    you are in confused state. give some time, you will understand what life means.not all people get straight road with no bumps. you seems have future goals, tell your spouse. he may not have or think about it. he will now think from third person and accept your ideas. I personally against giving any gifts, yet my spouse tells me what to give. you need to lower your expecations and push your spouse to get personal desires.. Good Luck..
     
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  4. destinedfate

    destinedfate Silver IL'ite

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    I've tried communicating with him, either he walks away from the conversation or just gets upset. It's just so difficult to try to talk to someone who is unwilling to talk. I do have many future plans and goals, and I have told him, and he just laughs at them. I know alot of what I wrote may sound immature, and I am young and havent had much experience with the real world, but I do know that what I want from life is for the better of both of us and for our family as well. Ive been very cautious in my choice of words as well, making sure to not hurt his ego or self esteem, but hes just unwilling to communicate. I feel as if I'm alone in this struggle, and if all 4 of us supported eachother as a family at least we wouldnt have financial stress, and a much happier/peaceful household. Being married only a few months I feel like a stranger in my own house with in laws and with my husband.
     
  5. ars

    ars Platinum IL'ite

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    If you are the duck who is laying the golden egg to clear all the loans made by Ils than walk out of the marriage. Don't even look back.
     
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  6. funbee

    funbee Silver IL'ite

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    Hi distinedfate,
    You need to talk to your husband ,he has to respect your concerns. You have been married for only few months and if he is not serious about your concerns and just stubborn with his own ideas .,i don't know when he will
    realize your importance in his life.it is going to be hard. If you want to make a decision to be in this relationship or not you better think twice and make a decision ..It is better to get out of a bad relationship sooner than it is too late.
     
  7. DrKadambari

    DrKadambari Gold IL'ite

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    Get out of such family and such a marriage. You try and try and try... to change them or to put some logic into your H's mind and in a few years you will realise that you have been pulled down so much that your energy to struggle would have gone so less.. You would have also learnt to live with and deal with such a family... and end up thinking... oh i managed these many years, let me live with it. (if any one gives you advice that after a kid he will become responsible, dont hesitate but just slap them then and there)

    Before something like that happens just get out and get a life for yourself. You are better single and divorced / than being in this marriage.
     
  8. Tashsin

    Tashsin Gold IL'ite

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    Agreed with ars....they choose you for your son..so that u can help them in loan recovery....
     
  9. Jyothimurali

    Jyothimurali New IL'ite

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    What God has Yoked together let no man put apart............
     
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  10. MaritalBliss

    MaritalBliss Platinum IL'ite

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    Do u love your husband? Can u be happy without him? U married having expectations which were not met and hence feel disappointed. U have goals but he seems to be less ambitious.

    The mistake people make is marrying to have someone take care of their needs and wants. U should only get married if u have similar wavelength, goals, chemistry between you two and u truly love and care for the person. Marriage is not a game for u to see if it works for u..

    Agreed that it is not possible to determine all the above in an arranged marriage. But IMO, once married try to adjust. Unless there is ema, domestic violence or really irreconcilable differences, then there is hope for the marriage.

    Having said this, u hve only been married for a few months..if u are unsure of this marriage, do not plan for kids..they are innocent. Try to figure things out in the mean time.
     
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