Really Need Expert Advice A Mix Of Issues

When you talk to your husband make your points clear. ie. Don't think about the short term solution. Think about a long term one. You are not talking about leaving his parents there without taking care of them. The responsibility for him (therefore you as well OP) doesn't change. Parents will not be staying with you, but you will have to do everything from here. I am just pointing out the affordability of this arrangement. You can pay the caretakers, visit them as frequently as needed (you might have to go when there is a serious doc visit or something like that), all of this will be lesser expensive than them being here. However, this arrangement comes with emotional baggage of leaving the parents in India and not being with them all the time in their old age. Since he is more attached to his parents, you will have to help him overcome/adjust to the reality. The feelings will not go away. Offer to share the duties. You can ask them back when it comes to your turn. If you discourage him about thinking about his parents, and if you keep despising him for that, this will affect your communication and it is not good for married life. Let it out and hear him out and tell him your solutions. Sit down with him and do a pros and cons list.

Bringing them here when they really need help is not the point! because the older they get, the more difficult it will be to get health insurance and more expensive will be the medical expenses. If he needs to bring them in, the earlier the better. if not bringing them in, don't bring them in at a later stage. Expenses is not only the factor. There are no social circle for old age people here unless you lived here for so long. Or you will have to move to a place where you can find like minded people that could get along with the parents. It will be difficult to find any friends for them when you both go for work during the day. For them also it will be hard, and it will eventually fall on you. So don't do that. But it is just IMO.

FYI, I didn't have to deal with difficult ILs, but my husband and I had a very difficult situation with his dad's passing couple years ago and his mom's diagnosis of cancer last year. We cannot leave the US, because the job prospects for our field of work is almost NIL in India, and we cannot bring her here because of the late stage of cancer. She is 75 now and insurance is very expensive with her cancer diagnosis. We had only one choice, to leave her back home with caretakers/relatives whom we sent money. and we try to visit as needed. When my husband cannot go because of job responsibilities, I know it will be my turn to go. This is something I made my peace with. We think of it as a logical/practical solution rather than an emotional one.

 

Op....you hate your husband so much.
Have you thought about seperation?
You are in US. You will get child support at least.Half assets .
Share custody if he is a decent father.
This is eating you up for the last few years.
His parents are not going to change .
He is not going to change.
Only you can.
Either you will have to accept this fate or do something drastic.

Just a thought.
Ignore if you find it irrelevant.

 

For some reason, this reminds me of the post where the wife left the husband after 25 years of putting up with the husbands n in laws demands. Maybe this is how it begins n the hatred builds up.

 

I really feel for you, @Goahead.

But you know what one very good thing about your situation is that - you are able to have honest communications with your husband and can express yourself freely to him (like the above). Irrespective of whether this led to a heated discussion or not - at least one-way path of the communication channel is happening.

(1)

What about you make a list of the concrete things that annoy/hurt you when your ILs live with you and come up with a change you expect from your H or yourself for these items. Then ask your H to bring the ILs for a short 2 month stay - if H keeps his side of the understanding and you can manage your side - then at least there is some hope. Tell him only if these 2 months go amicable you will be able to agree for GC processing to start.

Some random examples:

Problem: When your parents are here, you have no time to even chat with me.
(Potenial) Solution: Please have morning coffee with parents, but evening tea is for conversation between us (no need to ignore parents at that time but focus should be the two of you sharing and making small talk)

Problem: When your parents are here, you rarely take care of the kids' needs.
(Potenial) Solution: Maybe H makes and sits down for breakfast for the kids or H spends time with the kids during swimming class and practice time at the neighborhood pool, etc.

Some problems, the solution might be in your and H's hands.

Problem: When I cook, MIL always comments on how each items needs to be done.
(Potenial) Solution: MIL makes 1 curry for dinner everyday, rest of meals by you? Or you always listen to podcast/music when cooking so you can minimize some comments?

Some problems, everyone at home is part of solution:

Problem: When ILs are here, my cooking load is too high. I can't manage with office work.
(Potenial) Solution: Get a cook twice a week so at least some backup curries are available. Kids and adults should adjust with cook's cooking. Or get a veggie processor and H will cut all the veggies for you in the weekend. etc.


(2)
Please. please, do not brush the fact that your parents GC will/could be done later. It is an important part of the current problem at hand.

Please claim that: If you are doing the GC for your parents, we are doing the GC for my parents TOGETHER. The costs/efforts and consequences may help him think or even delay the process more.

And please convince your husband that it is NOT AT ALL only your brother's duty to take care of your parents. And doing your part to "help" is a terrible and unfair answer. It's a wishy-washy way of brushing aside the responsibility. And "no" you need not "help" - your brother. "Help" is something that one does for a neighbor as a courtesy. Just as your husband is compelled to spend time with family, it is your prerogative to spend time and take care of your family.

Not doing the GC for your parents means as a family your "responsibilities" are reduced.

But every year for the 6 months that your parents will be here with you - your H will get an idea of what it would mean - if you ignored all his needs and focussed on spending time and making your parents stay as comfortable as possible. There will be better give-and-take when the situation is more equal.

 

The one thing that I keep harping on...Can you guys afford to host them in a separate apartment near your home in the US ? H can visit once every few days. And all of you maybe once a week - better than daily misunderstandings that you seem to have faced.

 

Cannot help but have that thought.... I did that too. And besides, I wanted to know..

What are the redeeming good features of OP's life together with her husband that makes up for all the issues she needs Expert Advice on ?

The recent thread Opinion On Reason For Divorce (someone My Mom Told Me About)
should be a good read for @Goahead