Raising Indian kids in the USA

I am still waiting to see some more posting from parents raising their kids/indian kids raised in US.

How much of peer pressure exists on our kids here to have boyfriends or to date? Is it like in districts with some indian community the pressures are different compared to districts with lesser indian or asian population?

 

I think it is easy to raise kids in USA than India especially girls than boys, most often we know where they are and what they are watching. My spouse was invited to be a face book friend by some of his teenage nieces and nephews living in India, you will be surprised and may be shocked what kids post and how they think (you should become face book friend of a teenager being raised in India) I have always made clear to my child that dating is allowed only in college not in high school, so far things are fine. Yes they will have boy friends or girl friends in the school, they will learn how to have a responsible relationship if you guide them. I may be in the minority in believing premarital healthy responsible sexual relationship is ok after certain age even if they are girls. Girls raised in Western countries on average have more confidence than in India raised in a traditional family. I did not find any any difference the way girls or boys dressed or behaved in India or USA, especially from upper middle class in India.

 

I too agree that Indian kids are way way forward in experimenting things all that some think is not ok.Within 3-4 yrs, I have seen a bigggggggg difference myself.So whoever thinks the other way, then you are wrong.Sometimes its more scary to think of all those that happens there:spin.

 

Wow nice thread. I still have loads of time to make a decision. But it was nice to know them early
Thanks for starting this thread and thanks all for the suggesstions / advices

 

Hey friends..
I would like to jump into the discussion.I am a mother of two beautiful kids aged 10 and 6.We are planning to move to US in a year. I am a concerned mother now.I am in a dilemma whether we are taking a right decision. I am concerned whether my son who is 10 years now would be able to adjust to the totally new environment. I dont want to repent later. He had his kindergarten schooling in India and then we shifted him to Singapore. He very well got along with the new atmosphere.It was a smooth transition for all of us. But I have doubts about the same in US.If anybody could give me opinions whether it is a proper time for a 10 yr old boy to get into a complete new environment. What would be the initial adjustments we have to make to make the kids comfortable in the new place?
Thanks..

 

Hi I am an American married to an Indian and for the second time living in India. I studied my master's degree in India and now live as a housewife. My experience in India is among locals mostly and few if any expats. I studied in Chennai and now live in Kochi.

I grew up in New York State. I wanted to share some feedback about your points:


Some other reasons I don’t want to raise my kids here :
1. The outward looking materialistic/consumeristic nature of life here.

India is also becoming very materialistic. Here in Kerala, people drive fancier and more expensive cars than in the city I lived in US! (And on much less car-friendly roads.) Malls and extremely big shopping centers are becoming more popular. I would actually argue the opposite is true of US in it's current economic state. I have so many US American friends who have pared down and even started living more a green lifestyle (which is so much more difficult to do in India for various reasons) due to the family financial situation being drastically reduced due to job / house loss. I have American friends who have moved back in with their inlaws too due to this. I'd say American society in someways is becoming more traditional than Indian society which in some pockets is breaking away from extended families.


2. The tendency of Americans to perennially market themselves - the “I/me/myself” talk - beginning right from childhood. Also taking the concpet of "you are an individual" to the extreme.

I can somewhat agree with that. This is a hard cultural variable to come to terms with.

3. The fixation with outward appearance.( and women in this thread talk about gender equality)

Is this in the sense of being vain? Dressing or using makeup or looking a particular way? Every culture has these traits, it's just when we are out of our comfort zone things seems different and it's easier to highlight. As an American, I think there is a different way of judging personal outward appearance in India and USA.

4. The organized play time kids have here. I don’t see kids playing on the streets - its all community and private hockey, soccer leagues.

Most desis in US live in big cities this is why. If one goes to live in a small city or village, time works on a different scale. City life offers more opportunities to do all these activities and parents want to give their kids these chances. Such things are becoming common in India too- summer camps, cooking classes for teens, swimming classes, craft classes, story times, etc. These in addition to tuition can make a kid's life in India much more hectic (let alone in most cases the additional time it takes to get to and from school because travel is more cumbersome in India even for short distance).

It's a question of too much structured time vs. unstructured time.


5. The world-less view of the education and the thought that the world is their inheritance.

Wow!!!! Really? I disagree with that. I was educated and raised in US .. I may have thought the world was my oyster, but never thought it was mine for the taking. Yes, some kids are spoiled and not taught the value of money that's a shame. I wonder where this idea comes from.

On the flip side due to the individual nature of American education, kids learn to think on their own rather than simply repeat word for word without understanding. There can be more practical application. More time to be creative and innovative. Educated in both systems I can say this from experience.

6. The unstructured nature of education - u do what u like and everybody wins.

Unstructured? Again, I am curious how this conclusion was reached?

7. Formation of groups based on race/nationality thus making immigrant children feel they are different/inferior.

This is true I do agree. But in India this happens in most places too. Malayalee speakers go together, Tamils go together, Telugus go together, Maratis go together.... this is a similar concept. I have met expats and mixed race couples in India with kids who felt they had to leave because local kids were bullying their kids too much because they did not know 'how to label' them or in what category to put them in. So this attitude is seen in India too.


Every country has it's plus points and negative points. I am from America and I think there are good aspects and things that need to be changed, but I also think India has some good things else I would not want to come back to live a second time . There are things here for me to enjoy. But there are also things about India I wish were different. In all cases we have to make the best with what we have. If we go in with a negative attitude we will get out of it what we put in- it becomes a self- fulfilling prophecy...change the mindset toward it and we will start to see the wonderful aspects that were previously clouded by skepticism.

Enjoy!

Will update when i think of more[/QUOTE]

 

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/newreply.php?do=newreply&p=1073080



Some other reasons I don’t want to raise my kids here :
1. The outward looking materialistic/consumeristic nature of life here.
2. The tendency of Americans to perennially market themselves - the “I/me/myself” talk - beginning right from childhood. Also taking the concpet of "you are an individual" to the extreme.
3. The fixation with outward appearance.( and women in this thread talk about gender equality)
4. The organized play time kids have here. I don’t see kids playing on the streets - its all community and private hockey, soccer leagues.
5. The world-less view of the education and the thought that the world is their inheritance.
6. The unstructured nature of education - u do what u like and everybody wins.
7. Formation of groups based on race/nationality thus making immigrant children feel they are different/inferior.
Will update when i think of more[/QUOTE]

 

Rashi, what are your main specific concerns about adjustment in USA?
Jennifer

 

Hi friends,

I want to tell u one incident. Just 2,3 days before when I was talking to my son (who is 7 yrs old and in 1st grade) I asked him how was ur day today? what u did in class today etc. He told me mom One guy from my class calls me 'Chocolate' I asked Why? He replied because of my dark skin he always calls me 'Chocolate' And u guys believe me My son is really handsome,fair and is happy go kid always smiling everyone close to us always appreciate him Anyways I said to him Ignore that guy and don't listen to him. Then my son said emotionally I felt bad about myself when he says like that. I said why u feel bad about urself we are Indians and all Indians have dark skin and looks don't matter dear. My son said I know mom but I don't like it when he says. By this time I was so pissed off I told him next time when he calls you 'Chocolate' you just call him 'Egg White' My son smiled and said he is trying to be so mean why should I ? I got shocked. I feel proud of my son. I told my son u know he is so mean then keep in mind when people try to be mean unnecessarily with anyone God gives them punishment so u don't worry and don't listen to his crap. I told him to complain the teacher he said I did that mom and teacher asked him to apologies. My hubby said to him u think the other way you are so sweet boy like 'chocolate' so don't mind even if he calls u by that name.
The other incident was just couple of days before my friend's daughter was crying while coming from school. We asked her what happened she is in 4th grade She told me that my classmates don't play with me and while taking lunches they told me to go and sit on the 'Indian table' We adults know the reasons. I know they all are kids But sometimes its difficult to handle innocent kids in such matters.
I know teacher appreciate my son's job in class and he tells me that my teacher always says 'You are doing excellent keep up the good work etc'. My son's best friend in class is also 'American' and they love each others company.

But These incidents force me to think Why am I here ???? These things feel small at this time but in later stages what will happen. Why should I loose my son's 'self respect' and 'self confidence'?

 

The decision to stay or leave should be based on where you would be comfortable in bringing up your child. If you have some other reason for being stuck here then work on trying to accept the good faces of this country and culture. If you have no restrictions about going home but dread the fact that your kid will be discriminated here in the USA then best decision is to go home. You will have a lot of family and festivals , you will feel like you are where you belong and you will be happy there..

My decision to stay

For me I dread interference and control. I hate being told what to do at every step. These are people who love me and want good things for me but I hate it. I know that if I go home me, my DH and kid will be under constant scrutiny. "which school, what rank, have you started buying jewels, why don't you put wheat and milk and bathe her, she will become fair, she should do medicine, your cousins have bought 5 acres and they have an apartment in the city, what about you,etc etc. We all hate being groped on the bus and lewd comments. I have to always double check what I am wearing"Is my dupatta pulled down. Is my hip covered enough in the saree". I cannot think of going to Dunkin donuts wearing a top and bermudas.

My friends tell me these are trivial compared to family, festivals. Maybe they are but the impromptu morning drive to the local DD, sit there chatting with DH over a cup of coffee while my daughter happily eats her hashbrowns is precious to me. Trivial issues -maybe- but again not for me. . I go home to visit every year and have a blast.

Believe me I miss my family and cousins and nieces and nephews dearly. But I have decided that to have one I must let go of another. Do I feel lonely here. Sometimes yes but I have grown to appreciate so many things about this country and the culture. I have had a great time here, never had a bad experience so far, have a huge group of desi and non-desi friends. This is just my experience and somebody else's experience may be totally different.
My definition of culture is also different.

Our Experience with DD and my hopes

When my daughter was in KG she came home and told me"I am not going to be friends with"these white people". I found out that there was a desi kid in her class who told her that and insisted she be friends with her only. We did have a small discussion about it and she went on to have many a good white and non-white friends. She is now moved on to higher grades. She has some "white,black,chinese" friends who are close to her and those that are not. She has some " desi" friends in class who are close to her and some she loathes.

Will she ever be called brown names in the future. Yes of course. Will she be asked to find a table and eat on her own. May be. I hope that the way I am raising her she would not crave acceptance by any group and she will have a thousand things to feel good about herself whether people accept her not.

Wherever she is she will be discriminated, called names and there will be bias all through her life. I think we find it easier to deal with it in India as we are not the minority.

I try to teach my daughter about the great country and heritage she is from and the greatness of the country she is in. I tell her she doesn't have to strive to fit in with anygroup-desi or non desi. She does not need to be accepted to feel better. She should not give anybody the power to make her feel bad. I tell her about where she came from, how great her extended family are, their achievements. I tell her about my and DH's accomplishments. She relishes hearing these stories.

Dating and Marriage:

I am open to her dating whomever she wants. whenever I talk to my american friends I ask about what age they dated and what is the norm here. Believe me I have friends whose daughters/sons who went out only on chaperoned dates till they went to college and some who dated very early. So it is up to the parents to make rules and help the child understand them.

I am open to her marrying in a different race/religion too. All I pray is for her to meet somebody who loves her more than we do.

My way may not be the Highway

Maybe the kids who are raised in India, with Indian culture and family around do turn out to be better. But this is what my experiences so far has taught me and this is what I feel comfortable with.

My two cents
It is good that we have this forum with friends who help us re-evaluate our decisions. Ultimately it is what you consider important, your experience in your adopted country(good or bad) and how you feel. Great children are being raised in both countries. So make the decision confidently and I am sure it will work out for the best.

Cheers
:thumbsup