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Questioning my existence

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by geetakrish, Aug 18, 2007.

  1. geetakrish

    geetakrish New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am new to this forum and it is good to see ppl consoling others with problems. Right now I am so over whelmed with what's going on in my life that I am not sure whether the problem is big or I am over reacting. I have been married for six years (Aug 20th being our anniversary) and I have two kids (5 and 1& 1/2). Mine was a love marriage , I broke another engagement and got married to my husband. Initial few months were ok but my husband's job had a lot of travel and we didn't bond that well. After our first child (in the first yr) we would hardly have sex. 3-4 times a year, always initiated by me. I was always fighting about different things mainly frustrated because I was trying hard to make it work. He hardly spends time with me, everything else takes priority, his laptop, magazines, work, tv, sports, running but I am not in his list. I feel so frustrated, I don't know why I live in this house. I don't have a job, so it makes it worse. Its not just about sex, he doesn't touch me or show any desire for me or my company. Nowadays I am so depressed and cry almost everyday. I feel so empty after giving for so many years and never getting much in return. Its very hard not to expect being in a marriage. I just wanted to share I guess, I don't know what to do. I am starting to look for a job because I don't know how long I can live like this. I hope I find something soon. Does anyone else have a similar problem ?

    Geeta
     
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  2. Kamla

    Kamla IL Hall of Fame

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    Dear Geeta,

    I am sorry to know about your situation at home. There must be many reasons as to why your husband is the way he is. The very important thing to do is to have an open talk with him about the way you feel and share your sadness and disappointments with him. If you have done that and it still has not made a difference, it is important that you both consult a marriage counsellor.
    Please don't think that you are alone with this type of problem. Do read the posts in this forum . There has been many discussions about similar situations.
    Also, please check this link out:
    http://www.indusladies.com/forums/married-life/6207-golden-rules-for-every-woman.html
    It was written by another IL'ite and do read the following discussions under that thread.
    I am sure that many other young wives here will soon respond to your thread. It sure will give you a lot of insight and may be , some solutions too.
    In the meantime, please do not lose your self confidence and succumb to depression. Fight for your happiness, you owe it to yourself and your children.
    I wish you all the best and my prayers are there for you.
    This too shall pass...remember.

    L, Kamla
     
  3. diana

    diana Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I am sailing in the same boat as you. One thing which i seen and learnt from my marriage is being idle leads lots of disagreements and unnecessary tensions.

    So as you said, a job could keep you busy and give you something to focus on.

    Also sometimes clinging to a person (husband) makes him run away from you, when you divert yourself away and are busy and giving no importance, makes a person (husband) wonder why he is not given any more importance and turns back to you.

    You could try that, if you try to ignore or live life without depending on him for everything, taking your own decision, will make him suspicious and will wonder why you are ignoring him and he will start giving attention.

    All hubbies are always worried that their wife may not turn to another person.

    All the best. :2thumbsup:

    Diana
     
  4. corallux

    corallux Bronze IL'ite

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    Dear Geeta,

    Pls do not use that term "questioning my existence"

    You are running a home almost single handed....Stop it at once...Involve your hubby in house hold matters....

    It is very simple-Human mind takes things for granted when things are going smoothly in a sort of a comfort zone....Your hubby is in a comfort zone

    Take up a job or a hobby that will give time for yourself as an individual...& remember Reverse Psychology rules...Stop giving hubby importance & stop making him feel you are clinging on to him...He will be puzzled on your attitude & will be more receprocative to your needs..

    All the best

    Corallux



     
  5. mithili

    mithili New IL'ite

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    Pleas do watch the movie MITR'MY FRIEND 'for further clarifications.
     
  6. Jananikrithsan

    Jananikrithsan Gold IL'ite

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    Hi,
    It is very saddening to read your post. A loveless marriage can kill and that too when the spouse is indifferent. Try talking to him and sort out the problem after all True love never dies. Have faith in yourself otherwise it will affect the kids, make sure never to cry in front of them. Find a job and be financially independent that will raise your self-esteem and your spouse will see you in new light.
    Trust in GOD.
    Take care. Keep us posted.
    :2thumbsup:
     
  7. Aabhi

    Aabhi Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Geetha,

    As someone wrote, there are many womens sailing on the same boat. I can understand how you feel. After all what you do and there is no returns means- it really hurts. I am sure you would have talked about this with your husband and tried all different ways. I would like to suggest you one simple rule that I follow ) Do the best and leave the rest. It is very hard at the beginning, but trust me you will get used to it easier. I truly believe in God, that we will be paid for what we do. It may not come back as quick as we expect, but it would return back in many ways. Very easy to be said, but hard to follow.

    Cheer up Girl :yes: you can do it :2thumbsup:
     
  8. imemyself

    imemyself Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Geetha,
    I can very well understand what you must be going through.Infact I have been asking myself a lot of times "y am i still existing?" and so many other thoughts run within me like "this cannot be happening to me!!"
    Yes,Geetha..there r lot of people like us....with similar thoughts..!
    I have been married for 3.5 yrs and I have a kid who is now 17 months old. My hubby is the very reserved type...he doesnt express much. I am the very expressive kind..and I believe if you love someone you should express it out..
    The touch and feel factor you said..I have been longing for a lovely touch or a caring look from him ..but he is not that kind who expresses it that way.Not only this,we have a lot of fights and arguments over trivial matters...
    Initiallly he used to help me a lot with the household work.Now he doesnt find time for me leave alone expecting help at home.
    I know he does love me a lot but still I dont feel it...he never shows it...I dont know if the problem is with my attitude!!!!:icon_frown: He loves his career and he has a lot ambitions and he is working towards it and he always talks only abt that...
    Whenever I initiate anything abt what I feel abt what is happening to our life then he says the problem is with my attitude and we end up fighting.€
    I was working in Bangalore and my kid was with my parents in Chennai.I was going through immense stress ! So i decided to take a break and now I am in Chennai with my parents..I had some health problems also...so he also said its better I stay with my parents for some time and I decided to get a transfer here and he agreed to that...!
    He visits us during weekends....
    Now he has all the time for his work since he is alone ther and I am waiting for my transfer approval so that I can joing back soon...
    I dont know how long this is going to continue...! But I feel better now...with less fights... :confused2:(dunno if this is right!!!!)
    I still wonder where this is goin to end....!!!And sometimes I even wonder what if I cld join an ashram and jus get in Spirituality and forget all the worldy things...but when i see my littles one's face...I think I shld live for him!:rolleyes:
    And i keep telling myself..that this too shall pass!!!!!
    Still feeling like pouring out whatever is in my heart ....but I guess i better stp here:-(

    Take care....
    Jaya
     
  9. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi all,
    Let me share a small secret with you which my MIL taught me. She is a gem of a lady and she always pampers all her sons. Also her DILs. She can never see us fret. She is dead against men hurting women in any form. She taught me one small secret (though she didnot practice it herself). She said, I like most of the mothers have pampered my sons to the core. They wont even put the coffee mugs in the sink. But that doesnot mean that you need to stand near and get the cups from him and put it in the sink or wash it then and there. Leave it as it is they will realize that it is their home and they too need to do something to keep the house clean.

    Also delegation is more important. Even your kid wont help you unless you ask for the help, so ask your husband to do household things he will not be ready but then he will realize at one point or the other that you will not do it and it is he who should be doing it. I am following it and I can assure you that these things work definitely.

    I can tell you how one of my friend who was in the same situation saved her marriage. Though she keeps saying to us and to herself that she is happy and sex is not so important in life, at one point of time she realized that she is also a human being with emotions and she is not machine. A machine itself needs overhauling and servicing regularly and why not human being like us.
    She decided that she wants her marriage life and she wants her husband for herself. So she went to the extent of shaping herself back and she started dressing up nicely too. She became more sociable and we all felt that she is coming out of her shell. The aspect that she is socializing more gave a jerk to her husband and he started seeing her new. Then one day she arranged for baby sitting of her kids with her parents and arranged an evening with him alone, they talked and talked and then lo, it was all magic and now they are there enjoying their life.
     
    Last edited: Aug 21, 2007
  10. padmamadhavan

    padmamadhavan New IL'ite

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    Hi geeta,

    Dont worry u r not alone in this. My advice is to read the book "men r from mars women r from venus" . It helps us to understand abt men. If u want the link i can send u.
     

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