Query regarding the aftermath of an EMA

Den · Nov 28, 2013

Do people who are involved in an EMA feel guilty somewhere down the line? My husband had an EMA and from the two of us, I seem to be in a better disposition than him. Everyone is different and circumstances are different but for those who were involved does it hurt at some point in time?

Hyral · Nov 28, 2013

I think definetly it should be hurting one if he/ she is deeply in love with his/her spouse and yet got into EMA..
But i think usually guys are secretive and i must appreciate that you knew about his EMA...if he himself has told u about his EMA its really nice to know that your DH is honest with you...

I still dont get why do ppl who claims to be happily married get into EMA why?
I trust my DH , he loves me lot but is secretive man too...i wont ever know if he had or will have EMA...i just pray that it never happens..everytime when he say that you reduce weight to look "slim n beautiful" to this i say to him that why? Fat gals cant be beautiful? Do you mean to say am not beautiful coz am fat? to this he doesnt answer :-( i feel sad and feel like as if he likes some one who is slimmer though i dnt speak out my mind and am not so v serious about my thought as its a passing thought...

Den · Nov 28, 2013

Many happily married people get into EMA's now that I've read the subject in detail. And from my experience, its better you don't know than go through the pain. Thank you for responding

Hyral · Nov 28, 2013

Why would i even choose to get into that pain...if you are happily married why you will need extra attention / attraction from outside is my point...if you are looking for EMA that does signifies you are not completely happily married.
Also, to agree with you .... only reason i have is...may be some ppl do have this nature in them that they look fwd to have EMA irrespective of happily married or not coz they look for excitement... neways....all i can say is...Pain is to the spouse of EMA affected guy/girl so pain is felt by that spouse whose spouse is going for EMA.

akanksha999 · Nov 29, 2013

Den said: ↑

Do people who are involved in an EMA feel guilty somewhere down the line?
Click to expand...

Of course yes. They must feel guilty and hopefully ashamed. Many people get into EMA without thinking through it, some out of temptation, some to get out of boring life, some for love, some for lust....but these things also end one day and that day they feel guilty and sad because they have lost something pure - their partners trust and love.

guesshoo · Nov 29, 2013

Hello Den,

You seem to have gone through a lot and have been extremely forgiving. From your earlier posts I can see you have put on a lot of effort to make your marriage work. Your commitment was inspirational. I agree with you that it is not necessary for the marriage to be shaky for an ema to occur. It is just my observation that after a lapse of judgement the perpetrator discovers flaws in his/ her marriage in order to justify the ema - state of a marriage falls on a spectrum rather than being simply good or bad...

As you have said, everyone is different. Anyone who has done sufficient introspection should feel upset about having upset their spouse. I'm just wondering why this question is coming up from you at this point. Do you still have unresolved issues about the incident? Is there significant difference between the person your husband was before and the person he is now? Hugs to you dear. I hope your pain goes away completely. Xxxx

Den · Nov 29, 2013

Guesswho,

Thank you for responding. Yes, there has been a significant change - the marriage stands in a better place, communication is more transparent and its not taken for granted. Even sensitive issues are spoken of and there is a time kept aside for that.

I've evolved: more, stronger, capable and independant than earlier. I am no more someone who puts everybody else's needs before mine but balance it. The past does peep in occasionally and have my lows but I've learnt to leave it behind and not dwell on it. I do not want to spoil my present and future dwelling on the past.

My husband has seen the change in me, he says I've picked myself up well while he still struggles. He yet apologises, and in certain external situations, be it a book, tv programme or another persons situation - he touches on the past. I do too but more out of curiosity.

Visu2k · Nov 29, 2013

Extra marital affairs put a lot of strain on marriages as they damage the credibility of the spouse involved and show them as being dishonest. However, if the person involved is honest enough to confess by them self or the person truly repents, regrets their behavior (which they would only know) and desists in future from such behavior, it would help rebuild the relationship slowly.

It doesn't take much time to damage a relationship but would take years and years to rebuild the confidence and regain the lost credibility. It is a tough process and a lot depends on the victimized spouse's ability to come to terms with the situation which in turn depends on the overall perspective they have on the relationship, the good and the bad put together.