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Qn. for couples who are living in a different country from parents

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Spiderman1, Sep 26, 2009.

  1. Spiderman1

    Spiderman1 Gold IL'ite

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    [I'd like this thread in the married life forum, since my question is specifically to couples here]

    Well this is about living in a different country (or in the same country, but far away distance wise) from your parents.

    I was thinking about the thread which says "under the same roof with in-laws can restrict privacy'. I am a full supporter of that statement.

    Also, when you live in a different country you get privacy etc. However, you can get the same privacy living a few streets away near your parents, but still a different house.

    However, one of the posters talked about when you live so far away from your parents, and they cross 60, 70+ years and slowly are getting older and more prone to health issues.

    If you have siblings or good relatives living close to them, then "maybe" some of your confidence is derived from they will take care of your parents. But even then, or especially when you dont have that luxury, how do you plan or deal with this?

    Anyone intending to move back to India (or whichever place) due to this?

    Anyone contemplating bringing parents to live with you (they may not even like to live in a different country even if you want to!)

    Very tough problem.

    When you have moved out of India, and lived in another country for several years, and thats the only country where you have worked for many years, then its a tough choice. We need to take care of our parents, but we also need to tackle long distance somehow.
     
    Last edited: Sep 26, 2009
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  2. NewWoman

    NewWoman Senior IL'ite

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    Spiderman,
    In my case I share a nice relationship with my inlaws. In 3 yrs of marriage I have not had any issues with them. The longest time I have spent with them is for about 1.5 months when dh got and opportunity to wrk from India. Thnkfully, so far the issue of our families has not come inbetween us. My ILWs are very non-interfering type. FIL is in his 70's and MIL in her 60's. Dh has been away from his parents for about 16 years. He wants to spend more time with them, especially now that they are older and need us more. INLAW's are not interested to move permantly to the US. It would not work, they would be bored and miserable. We want our son to spend lot of time with both set of grandparents. A 3 week vacation once a year does not seem enough. We plan to move back to India soon and spend some quality time with our parents and other extended family.
     
  3. kinjal

    kinjal Bronze IL'ite

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    We too planning to return to india in couple of years. We might not live in same house but we will be close by when our parents need us.
     
  4. asuitablegirl

    asuitablegirl Gold IL'ite

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    Me and my dh are in the U.S. and we never plan on moving back to India. Well actually, I was born here and he has not lived in India in nearly 15 years. We plan on living in the U.S. for the rest of our lives.

    As for my inlaws, they are going to stay in India. Because of how badly they've treated me, and because of how they make my life hell when they are living with us, I've decided they're not going to come live with us EVER, no matter how old or needy they become. My dh has agreed to this.

    If they want, and can afford it out of their own pocket, they are welcome to buy a house close to ours here in the U.S.

    But as of right now the plan is they stay in their village home and my sil will check in on them. They have servants for every aspect of life... cooking, cleaning, driving, etc.

    When I married my dh, I didn't start the marriage thinking I would ban his parents from our home. In fact I looked forward to spending time with them, and someday, taking care of them. But after the horrible things they did when they came here (just read my past posts), I don't care two craps whether they suffer alone in their old age.

    Financially they are set. My dh forked over pretty much his entire salary for 8 years while they were living in Dubai. Unfortunately my mil just used that money to expand her jewellery collection and go on vacations. If they need more money later in life, TOUGH. Too bad. We need that money to pay a mortgage, pay for our kids college, and go on vacation OURSELVES.

    Bottom line: I'm not living in a house with somebody who calls me names and tries to break up my marriage. I hope my mil got her fill of calling me 'nasty woman' when she was here staying with us, because she's never going to get that chance again. :coffee
     
  5. adara

    adara Bronze IL'ite

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    Oh! I feel so sorry for you asuitablegirl.

    Yeah, When we get married and go to a new house with all strangers practically we are so innocent as to accept them as our relatives and try to make all adjustments with them. But, instead of trying to make our transition easier when they try to show who the boss that really ticks the girl off.
    Fortunately, for me it is not that bad but still I would prefer not living under one roof with in-laws. So far so good....maybe because I am away from them but who knows...I may be taken for granted if I agree to live with them.
    My in-laws also do not like the idea of son and DIL living with them after marriage...my MIL once told me. So, I consider myself a lucky duck!
     
  6. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    spiderman,

    I don't have FIL,only MIL and she has 3 sons.Right now she stays with second son and she is happy with that.She is very stingly with money,so if we give her good amount of money she is happy with that.
    But in future if at all we really need to take care of her then we may move back to india also.This is always an option and I am not a opposer for it.Because they are parents and one day we will in that stage too.

    Coming to my parents,I also have siblings so they are taking care of them,frome me they except financial support.My husband is not favour of this but somehow I will manage.
    And also I have a wonderful sister and BIL,so I have feeling somehow they will take care of my parents.

    For my MIL few options:-
    Suppose if kids are studying here and we can't move whole family when she is really in need ,then my husband move to india and find some job and take care of her and me and kids should able to servive here .

    in your case if you are looking for some help for your paretns,if they can find some good people and who are poor then they should able to live with your parents and then should able to take care of them.

    Why I am telling ,I always that is the good option.
    One of my neighbor here ,may be she is in her late 80's and her husband died recentlya and she found some young lady and she staying with her.
    So here the girl may be student,need not to pay for accomodation and the old lady get her roommate too .I feel this is the good option.
     
  7. maggi99

    maggi99 Senior IL'ite

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    I want to move back to India happily even today as I cant be working here. I have my parents whom I would like to financially support. I have my sis who help my parents when my parents are badly in need of money and she is always there for them near by for any other help. She cannot provide much financial help as she is Hóusewife herself.

    My husband once said that he can give a little amount every month for my parents who are living on their own earning even in their 60+ age.
    However knowing my husband's mentality who will say that he did a big favour and that my parents are living on his courtesy, I SAID NO.

    Day in and Day out I feel bad that I am not able to support my parents when they need money for hospital also - even when they do not expect from me.

    When I started to say that I cant work here and therefore move back to India, he said that he would try and move to any other country where I I could also get a job. My DH says once when we move back to India we need to have a wholesome amount of money with us.

    I feel- for him earning money is much more important than family.

    My DH sends handsom amount to my inlaws every month for their luxurious living and I do not have problem with it. When ever my inlaws need a huge lump-some amount, my MIL will come out with a natak and my DH sends it immediately. So saving is not possible how much ever he earns here. And I dnt know if he can ever have wholesome amount.
     
  8. peartree

    peartree Platinum IL'ite

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    Spiderman

    That has been a question that has been plaguing my mind since the day I stepped into this country as a married woman, about what will happen to my parents, since both my sister and I are living in this country.

    My husband and I are pretty clear on the idea that we will eventually go back home and it will hopefully be before the time our kid(s) too comfortable living here. And once we move, the plan is that we will stay with both our parents or with my parents close enough for us to be able to visit them daily. Thankfully, both sons-in-law are completely aware and responsible about the fact that my parents deserve to be taken care of as well, in their old age. As for being able to live under the same roof, my in-laws have stayed with us for about 5 month during their US trip, and we got along perfectly well, barring 1 or 2 instances when I misbehaved due to some bad days at work. My mom-in-law did not care, but I myself felt so ashamed about my behavior and apologized to them, after receiving a good scolding from my mom! My parents hav been with us off and on for a while during their US trips, and there is absolutely no awkwardness from either my husband or my parents. And back home, my parents and in-laws get along perfectly fine.

    We have not really thought too much about the option of sponsoring green cards for them as we ourselves do not plan to be here long term!
     
  9. vidhkarthik

    vidhkarthik Bronze IL'ite

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    Ideally we would like to move back especially when they reach their mid 60s...but we wonder if we would manage to work there. I have worked in India before and the politics at workplace tire me. I feel that there is hardly any concept of quality time with family because of work pressures. As of now...We have put this thought behind our minds and refuse to think of it. Pretty soon..We have to think about it though. :(
     
  10. aditim

    aditim Senior IL'ite

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    Everytime we visit India this feeling comes to both of us... Why are we away from our parents who need us now??? But then we think of keeping some money for ourselves so that we can help out our parents later... Right now we dont have any intentions to go back... But will definitely move back to India so that we can be closer to our parents when they need us!
     

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