Prospective Groom is saying my dad has final responsibility before kanyaadaan

You are very right Rakhii!!

Payalarora - clearly from your likes ..it looks like you like this guy and want to marry but want people to support your decision.

From your two conversation with the groom it looks like he likes you because you think too highly of him .
dont take decision because he is fair or you think he more good looking than you...they are not the ingradients for a successful loving marriage.

don't also take the decision ebcause you think you will not get anyone better than him.

as one of the IL rightly pointed out..if he is expecting dowry (yes it is dowry..however he tries to ask for it)..just because he thinks that you will not get a share from your father after his time..then is he ready to share the responsibility of taking care of your parents in their old age or is that going to be only your brother?

if he is being "fair" then taking care of your parents should also be a shared fairly.

But if you think all these are ok and ready to accept this person and society with all its double standards and are confident that you can be happy..then go with it.

 

Rakhi
Inheritance is a gift esp when its self-earned and not ancestral . Demanding and laying a claim on it is distasteful regardless of how conservative a family u come from.
What irked me is the 21st century girl claim...
A 21st century girl makes her own destiny ..she doesn't depend on her dad/sibling or hubby to hand it down to her.

@OP
The original post and ur replies are very clinical .More like an appraiser in a bank rather than a bride on the threshold of a marriage.
Best wishes for ur future.

 

say bye, bye. next.

children should not expect a share from their parents property as their right. i would help them but would not like to take monetary compensation for having been born to them!

 

I would sort of agree with you if this was OP's own opinion about financial security. She may have a right to discuss with her father, but in my view she is not automatically entitled to his property. It is his to dispense as he seems fit. The thing that is really bothersome is it is coming from the groom.

There is NO financial security in marrying someone who is so controlling of her fortune even before engagement. Real financial security is in being financially independent. JMO

 

I disagree. Financial security should not be achieved by mooching off of parents. It should be achieved by working hard and earning yourself. She is a working woman, she is earning, use that for security. Or if she chose not to work, budgeting, saving and running household effectively and smoothly contributes towards financial security. Fianncial security should not be based on what your parents can provide.

Is she thinks she wants an elaborate wedding, she can fund her marriage. She would not be the first girl to do that. A lot of working girls, now contribute to their wedding to take burden off the parents. Men do that too.

 

No, not necessarily so. There are some decent souls who do not interfere in what is given to by the parents to the daughter. My ILs did not know what jewellery was given to me or what other stuff my parents gave me. They did not ask and I did not offer to show them.

When coming after the wedding, my parents had handed all the jewels to them to keep in their locker as I still did not have any here. (It is possible they took a look at that time, but not a word was discussed about the matter). As soon as I came here I got a locker and mil handed over all the jewels to me without my asking for it.

 

Distasteful? oh JAG...you are being kind if you say its distasteful. I would call it despicable.

What I was trying to say is, there are still a LOT of communities where negotiations are done exactly the way OP is saying. I have personally witnessed it. With utmost respect to the community, I have witnessed that in business families. They discuss women/marriage just like a business deal. Its really hard to believe but thats exactly how its done in some communities.

The very same people more often than not will not let the girl work post marriage. She is expected to be a good "bahu", good "bhabhi", good "maa", good "patni".

Once she is married, her relation with her parents is kind of done for in many cases. Of course she still visits and they still love her but thats that. She becomes a "parayi"

Whatever financial security the girl has would normally come from her parental home as dowry/ farm lands/ FD's etc. More often than not, girls parents do leave something for her during the wedding itself because tomorrow, in the event of a divorce/separation, she has something to fall back on. With God's grace if everything goes well, that property is passed on to her daughters. I have seen that happen.

I am not saying I support that. I am just stating a fact. Like I said...not a perfect situation to be in but a girl in that situation does what ensures her future security. Thats all JAG...am not supporting it; but, can understand it.

 

@payal: To answer your question - is negotiations part of all marriages? answer is no. It depends on many things - state, caste, educational background, etc,etc. Going by your name - I suppose in your family circle this is a common thing, right? You are 29, so you will def know about how it was for your cousins,sisters,etc. Or better still, ask your mom, aunts, cousins,etc.

The other thing i think is - It is better to be upfront of certain things. By raising these kind of questions, I think the guy is trying to find out what he can expect from you during marriage and then later on. I would just call him shrewd (this is my opinion). He is trying to throw in words which will later on become a problem. Your dad would have sensed that and therefore not interested in this proposal. As a father, he would be concerned as to whether this guy who first did not demand anything . is now expecting "help in setting up". Frankly, it is better to go for people who are upfront of dowry than people who dont ask but expect "help". This guy falls into the area. He also seems to be wanting to talk about financials of your family and what your father will do for you (and him) after marriage. Pls dont take people for face value.

 

I completely agree...security should not come from parents. I wasnt supporting that. I was trying to say something else altogetehr. please see my post above Bean.