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Problems with my MIL after my baby's arrival.

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by mimita, Oct 29, 2013.

  1. mimita

    mimita Senior IL'ite

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    Hi,
    I had a reasonable ok relationship with my mil until my baby was born.The problems started with the 11th day function of the baby itself.
    My DH and I belong to same community but different states. So, there are a lot of similar customs and some different ones. My mil was organising the 11th day function in this case. My mom had also come to help us out. So, I had assumed that the function was the cradle ceremony, as is the case among us. Just 3 days before the function, my MIL tells my husband that she has organised a naming ceremony. The name had of course not been selected. So, though this name would not be in the birthcerficaete this was the name that would be in the horoscope etc. And according to their customs, the baby would get the paternal grandmothers name. i.e. her own name. I was a bit shocked to hear this. I did not want to keep my mils name to the baby. And it is basic courtesy to tell people what function u are trying to organise especially if it is about *their* baby.
    I had even during my pregnancy dreamed of having a naming ceremony function..keeping it secret to friends etc ..announcing the name it on that day and all that. This is probably the only baby I will have and everything about it was precious for me. So, I objected with all I had. My husband did not understand my reasons and despite my objections, the function was held.

    The result of this whole thing, was that I hated and mistrusted my MIL for thinking she can take decisions for my baby without my consent. Till this point I had a decent relation ship with her. After this, I hated her for snatching away my rights wrt my baby.
    I spent the next 7 months in my mom's place and came back. I started working from home 3 weeks later. I hired a nanny as well to take care of the baby. So, my mils help was to mostly play with the baby whenever she wanted. The thing was, again, she started acting as if she was the baby's mother and started giving me constant instructions when I was looking after the baby. SHe would spend every waking moment of hers in front of the baby and naturally, the baby started preferring her to me - would cry when I picked her up from my mil (and not the other way around). The baby even started calling her 'amma'. This was the breaking point for me. I used to cry everyday and got really upset. I started getting really jealous even when my mil held the baby for a few mins, since I kept feeling she is trying to usurp my position as mom. MY Mil started gloating to all and sundry how the baby prefers her to me and this created an environment of constant competition.

    Despite having the work from home option I started going to work to get my mind away from all this. I even got my husband to tell her that once I get home, I will take care of the baby myself and I don't want her hovering around. SHe gets the baby during the day anyway. This arrangement is in place now.

    But in any case, I am now jealous of her. I don't fight outright and I keep resentment within myself and this is causing me a whole lot of health problems. My husband is quite close to his mother and tells her every detail of his life (I dont grudge their closeness).My mil generally likes to get to know every little detail from everyone. I am afraid she will do this to my baby too. And me, being the kind that talks lesser than her, am afraid my baby will constantly prefer her to me. ANd so, I feel like there is constant pressure on me to just prove to myself that I am the baby's mother and not her!! SHe acts like she is the mother and once when she thought I was not around and the baby called 'amma amma amma' ..she answered from the other room "oooo…am coming". The baby too, calls her amma whenever she looks at her. She has said 'my baby' many times too. I bristle at all this but dont outright express it since I dont want my relationship with her getting worse and causing more stress.

    My husband knows of all this now since I had to go to the doc to get myself tested and got diagnoised with stress related health problems. My fil is no more, so my husband will not move out.So, I am stuck with her company . MY DH is getting stressed as well since he cant do anything about all this.How can I live in this environment day in and day out? I can handle my resentments..but looks like my body has already started complaining by ways of stress related health problems. My work and life quality suffers because of this. My baby definitely needs healthy parents. How can I go on like this?
     
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  2. rachaputi

    rachaputi Platinum IL'ite

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    Sorry didn't read the post completely other than last para..

    Take other house for her near to urs.. and care for her, dont maintain over communication with her. Everyone can live in peace.

    Ignore if this suggestion not related to ur post as i'm not read complete.
     
  3. guesshoo

    guesshoo IL Hall of Fame

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    Hi OP,

    please relax and take a step back. Think of your childhood. Think of your happiest friends. Did they have grandparents in their life? It was a little inconsiderate of your mil to forcibly have naming ceremony for your child; however from her angle that's what elders in the family do. You need to move on from that - especially since the name only has religious significance and not a social one.

    You will always be you little ones mother. No one can replace that. I used to call my grandmother Amma too; it never meant she was my mother. She was very social to me. My mum a little more special. From your post it appears that your mil is taking good care of your girl.

    One more more thing to remember is this. Little children are treacherous! My daughter used to be with me th whole day but would not even look at me once my DH came home. Then there was a phase when she rejected him for a couple of months. Then reject me. Then reject him. It goes on like that. It doesn't mean anything. Please don't take it personally.

    Children have a lot of love to give and thankfully she is being cared for by someone who also is giving her a lot of love. In case you still are upset it might be worth talking to your doctor and seeing a therapist/ counsellor in order for you to make peace with yourself. You can and will be a wonderful parent. Please don't worry yourself.

    hugs
     
    3 people like this.
  4. vijikrish

    vijikrish Gold IL'ite

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    Just think from your baby point of view...isnt your baby very lucky to have loving grand mom...not everybody had this luck. This is just a phase and your baby will come to you...no one can replace mom's position. I have grown up daughters and every moment of their baby life...i let them with their grand parents...now their grand parents passed away...you know how much they cherish those grand parents moments...their love to me is never changed. Just take it easy and ignore any comments from your MIL.
     
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  5. gauridinesh

    gauridinesh Platinum IL'ite

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    You may be feeling insecure, but just think as she grows, she will ddefinitely get close to you..you are her MOM..and whatever she calls anyone, NOBODY can change that..So quit worrying about it.just relax and think that u dont have to worry about ur kid's care while u r working and concentrate on ur career. Not many women r lucky that way..think of ur kid and just ignore.while u r with the baby.pay undivided attention to her...and she will definitely reciprocate.
     
  6. Karee

    Karee New IL'ite

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    Hi Mimita,

    There are many reasons for this behavior by ur mil -

    She is alone and this baby is her object of attention and love. She loves the baby and the baby responds to her - unadulterated pure love that only babies can give.For ur mil this is the only source of pure love, son will be influenced by dil, dil will anyways not love as a daughter etc. Her hubby is no more, she is alone and the baby is her source of emotional contentment. Allow her to love your baby. Nobody can steal a baby from its mother. Allow her to gloat...but rem'ber ur baby is safe and loved...not harassed and discriminated against!

    Think of it this way - Aren't you lucky to have a over enthusiastic care provider for your child than be dependent on maids, day care where they have no emotional connect and are only in it for the money?

    The next issue - if its all getting too much, is it possible for you to move your house and take a house nearby where ur DH can be close to his mom as well you get your freedom. Also close enough that if you ever need your mil for any help with ur baby she can be reachable and also u can be there to help her if she needs u or DH?

    Just my thoughts.....Hope you can solve this intelligently and tactfully...
     
  7. heron

    heron Platinum IL'ite

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    I wonder if all of the girls had their gandma's name....ridiculous. You could have bought a torture calling your daughter with mil's name all thr your life.

    Any how you could have had advantages like"saying ..." Why are you so stupid...*your mils name* " without fear.
     
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  8. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    Op! I told this to another girl too on these forums

    You know what, its YOUR baby. Your flesh and blood. Its yours!

    You hit a jackpot with your obsessive mil. Let the baby call her amma akka tokka whatever. You pamper yourself, read a book, cook ur fav dish, do a facial etc...dress up well by the time dh comes home and show ur mil some love bites.

    Basically you show her that her obsessive love for her grand daugjteris benefiting uou.

    Even then if she doesnt stop her nonsense, you continue pampering urself and enjoy life.

    When your child grows up a bit, she will come running to you when u come bsck frm work.

    You are the childs mum. Nothing will be above you for your child
    She might have a special place for her grandma. But yhats a very positive experience for ur child. Nothing that will replace a mom though...

    I have my grannys name. At times my mum would shower her choicest language on that name in front of her sils in the pretext of disciplining me. Both mum and me knew who thst was for....we laughed abt it later....
     
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  9. tulipzz

    tulipzz Platinum IL'ite

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    If my mil was to provide that sort of childcare with so much love, id worship her forgetting all that she did to me
     
  10. Iamagoodgirl

    Iamagoodgirl Platinum IL'ite

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    If you want to make your place in your baby's world you need to complete her special need.eg babys love to play,entertain her when you are home.All babys love going out of house in the evening.Do something which your MIL doesnt do and which make baby happy.You can sing a lory to her when she sleeps.Once baby start identifying you with that special thing she will come start liking you too.
     

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