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Problems with In-laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by sunithareddy, Mar 8, 2007.

  1. BujjiChitti

    BujjiChitti New IL'ite

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    Need your precious suggestions

    Hello friends,
    I am living with my husband in UK. This is regarding my MIL's sister who is also living in the same city as MIL's family. My in-laws are very caring and loving people. When my husband was young and studying in university, our in-laws were not rich. But after my husband finished his studies, they(my husband, his younger brother and FIL) worked hard and came to a respectable postion. My MIL's sister and her family are also living in the same city. They are rich people from te beginning. But now-a-days they are beahving badly towards our in-laws and also with my husband. The main reason is they are feeling jealousy because our in-laws developed financially. She is younger sister to my MIL. But she never gives respect to my MIL. When there is any function in our in-laws house, they invite there sister's family also because they are living in the same place. She comes to the function and behaves badly towards us and our in-laws. But our in-laws dont like to argue with her. Even if they go to a movie together once in a while or buy something, she complains that our in-laws are enjoying without limits. She always asks us about how much we earn and everything. When someone gets sick in the family, she openly comments that God did a goodthing. She is very jealousy about us and our in-laws and she dont want us to proper in life.
    We are very worried about her behaviour. I think if someone feels jealousy about us, no matter how hard we work we cannot achieve what we want. There jealousy acts as a evil-eye which hindrances our growth. Kindly give me your valuable suggestions as of how to behave with those people. Is there anything I can do, like praying to God or keeping fasts to remove their evil-eye.
    Regards,
    Bujji.
     
  2. Srida

    Srida New IL'ite

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    Re: Is it normal behaviour of in-laws?

    Hi thanks for u reply. I have discussed this issue with my husband, he is a very good person. He understands my feelings sometimes he tells his parents about my feelings. But they r very stubbern people they just don't want to hear anything..they r always correct no matter what they do. About 2 nd point I mentione din my post, when my husband asked my MIL about that, she said like what is wrong in there? u r my son ..don't i have freedom to ask u ??

    Sometimes my husband also takes there side. he says like i don't want to hurt there feelings at this old age. My problems is they won't even tell him about the date they r doing , my hubby asks them over th ephone and htye will tell him. He won't see this one as wrong. my husband wants me to just ignore all the stuff nd be happy. But i couldn't get it out of my mind.

    my in-alws aslo complained to my husband like " I won't listen what they say so that's why they won't tell me". there compaints r that I haven't bought my daughter dresses they selected, I won't give food to my baby like they wanted. these r there reasons. to me all these issues r my personal things nd I don't want there interference in htis. They even comment about my dress selection almost everything. I don't see any point in they not telling me about rituals or functions they do to there daughters just b'coz i won't follow there directions to feed my baby , or the way i select my sarees/dress? don't u htink its rediculous???:icon_frown:
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 13, 2007
  3. devikanthi

    devikanthi Senior IL'ite

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    separating from in-laws

    Hi,

    Mine was a love marriage (7yrs) and we stay with our in-laws. My husband have a twin brother who is working in a small private firm and he is weak psychologically . We stay in a very small house (that too in a slum locality). Me and my husband wanted to shift that house right from the day one of our married life. My husband works in MNC and we are presently in US for the past 1 year (L1 visa). Now after coming here and staying in such a good locality ( I have a 3yr old son whom I have to admit in school after going India), I feel like we should shift the house (a little bigger one and in good locality ). But what my husband feels is my inlaws and my BIL will not be ready to shift the house because that house is my FIL's first constructed house and he have some emotions tied to it. And even my BIL's kids are studying in school and it will be difficult for them to go to school if at all if we shift the house. Now the house we are presently staying is situated in a very slum locality (the whole story starts in the evng times all drunkards start drinking and fight in the temple located just besides our house and with a very rubbish language). We share the same compound wall (for the temple and our house) I am very scared because of my son who is learning things very quickly ( u just dont believe right now he knows atleast 20 rhymes he can count 1-500 he can write A- Z and all telugu slokas also he can sing) because thats what I make him learnt everyday right from his second year. I used to work in TTL before conceiving and resigned later so that I can look after my son at home. Now I want my husband to shift the house so that my son can have a better atmosphere and I dont have any objection to my inlaws to stay with us because I feel they are our responsibility now. But my husband says they will not be ready to shift the house and he cant leave them in that house. I understand his feelings but I am not even ready to stay in that house please can anyone help me in this matter and one more thing I want to share is that my husband is the only person in a good job (not that my FIL has nothing he's retired from a government job in managerial cader with the PF amount he bought 2 houses) my husband used to give the whole salary to his father and with that amount my FIL bought a house to my BIL and at last we are the only one left nothing with us) Now I am insisting my husband to buy a new house taking a loan for which my FIL is not agreeing He thinks if my husband buys a new house we will go there and after that he cant get a penny from us). Please can anyone help me in solving this problem it might sound a very small problem but for me its really a very big one. I'l be thankful if u can suggest any solution for this
     
  4. sannidhi

    sannidhi New IL'ite

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    Re: separating from in-laws

    Hi,

    Mine was a love marriage (7yrs) and we stay with our in-laws. My husband have a twin brother who is working in a small private firm and he is weak psychologically . We stay in a very small house (that too in a slum locality). Me and my husband wanted to shift that house right from the day one of our married life. My husband works in MNC and we are presently in US for the past 1 year (L1 visa). Now after coming here and staying in such a good locality ( I have a 3yr old son whom I have to admit in school after going India), I feel like we should shift the house (a little bigger one and in good locality ). But what my husband feels is my inlaws and my BIL will not be ready to shift the house because that house is my FIL's first constructed house and he have some emotions tied to it. And even my BIL's kids are studying in school and it will be difficult for them to go to school if at all if we shift the house. Now the house we are presently staying is situated in a very slum locality (the whole story starts in the evng times all drunkards start drinking and fight in the temple located just besides our house and with a very rubbish language). We share the same compound wall (for the temple and our house) I am very scared because of my son who is learning things very quickly ( u just dont believe right now he knows atleast 20 rhymes he can count 1-500 he can write A- Z and all telugu slokas also he can sing) because thats what I make him learnt everyday right from his second year. I used to work in TTL before conceiving and resigned later so that I can look after my son at home. Now I want my husband to shift the house so that my son can have a better atmosphere and I dont have any objection to my inlaws to stay with us because I feel they are our responsibility now. But my husband says they will not be ready to shift the house and he cant leave them in that house. I understand his feelings but I am not even ready to stay in that house please can anyone help me in this matter and one more thing I want to share is that my husband is the only person in a good job (not that my FIL has nothing he's retired from a government job in managerial cader with the PF amount he bought 2 houses) my husband used to give the whole salary to his father and with that amount my FIL bought a house to my BIL and at last we are the only one left nothing with us) Now I am insisting my husband to buy a new house taking a loan for which my FIL is not agreeing He thinks if my husband buys a new house we will go there and after that he cant get a penny from us). Please can anyone help me in solving this problem it might sound a very small problem but for me its really a very big one. I'l be thankful if u can suggest any solution for this



    Hi Devikanthi,

    No dear ,yours is not a small problem,also not a big problem becos the solution lies witihin your self ,it reflects the pain of emotions,

    Please don't get hurt by my thoughts

    Its the basic right of a child to have a good environment,no one has the right

    to deny it from him if he has a better choice,even the parents ,what I feel.

    I can't understand why always the wife should compromise,

    &the girl's parents too make all the sacrifices just the same

    way the boys parents do to raise their children.please let us make changes at least from our generation becos Iam really scared to bring a babygirl in to this world,welcome the baby girls with pleasure not pain,ok, lets leave this

    ok.from your point -you are leading the role of a good wife,good mother&good daughter -in-law,its really nice

    Its one' s responsibility to lookafter the parents <bothsides> needs in the oldage&provide good healthcare etcetc,but its not equally good to give financial control to others in family other than wife&a husband,becos it creates lot of conflicts

    Its really bad on part of your father -in-law to give all your hardearned money to your brother -in-law,but you can talk to your husband about the injustice done to both of you and make him clear that you don't want to hurt him or argue with him but explain him about the future of you three of the family,your father -in-law need not fear that you may not give the money to him.Please don't make the habit of getting others parasitized to you by giving the whole salary to him ,just monitor all his needs and pay the bills,get the grocery bill paid by you/or your husband,take him to the doctor when he neeeds &pay it by ur self,these are all examples.slowly make ur brother -in-law to take up at lease1/3 of the responsibility of the house, ---doing all these may raise a great conflict-but with patience you may get peace of mind but please don't leave the isssue that your husband got hurt /shouts a t you, but slow&persistent talks will win the situation,

    you will definitely get better advice from he senior most members&othe rmembers of this forum

    please note- It seems my thoughts may make you aggressive,but thats not my motto,think a while longterm,the same patience you observed all these years will definetely help you but you need to talk abit about your problem to your closer ones

    good luck
     
  5. Lavanya

    Lavanya Bronze IL'ite

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    Re: separating from in-laws

    Wow sannidhi... you wrote what I was thinking.
    Anyway as you know its going to be a long-term project for you to convince your hubby. But my guess is your husband will be amenable to your request, even if it takes longer than you expect, 'coz he would definitely like the best for his kid.

    Use arguments that he'd buy & don't threaten or emotionally panic. Keep at him slowly but steadily reasoning out logically. Although there may be days when you may feel like you are at the end of the road, don't give up... persistance pays. Show him what should be his priority & how you still help his parents even though you move out.

    His parents will put up a stronger fight more emotionally is my guess... whatever happens support n' love your husband but persist for your cause.

    :2thumbsup:
     
  6. vinj74

    vinj74 New IL'ite

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    HI

    There is nothing uncommon .its very normal hubbys r like this only
    And they think this way only till ur last breath sometimes.So just try to explain your feelings to him for your parents.
    If you are planning to shift india its good but staying with inlaws will be difficult for u as you might have in habbit of your own space.And with in laws you might have to adjust yourself very much.

    vini

     
  7. vinj74

    vinj74 New IL'ite

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    ]HI friend

    There is nothing uncommon .its very normal hubbys r like this only
    And they think this way only till ur last breath sometimes.So just try to explain your feelings to him for your parents.
    If you are planning to shift india its good but staying with inlaws will be difficult for u as you might have in habbit of your own space.And with in laws you might have to adjust yourself very much.And as its a village then you will feel more suffocated.

    vini
     
  8. vinj74

    vinj74 New IL'ite

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    In india hubby thinks this way only still
    HI

    There is nothing uncommon .
    Its very normal hubbys r like this only
    And they think this way only till ur last breath sometimes.So just try to explain your feelings to him for your parents.
    If you are planning to shift india its good but staying with inlaws will be difficult for u as you might have in habbit of your own space.And with in laws you might have to adjust yourself very much.And as its a village then you will feel more suffocated.

    vini[/quote]
     
  9. Traveller

    Traveller Gold IL'ite

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    Re: was i wrong??

    Hi Avireena,

    I personally think you made the right move talking to your mil frankly. I too have issues with in-laws and my husband's usual 'advice' is to ignore them. I mean come-on how long can one ignore attitude problems of adults who claim to have seen the world and are experienced in all respects. I was very patient for 2 years after our wedding... even though we live abroad and visit home every year for 4-5 weeks those bad memories haunt me for the rest of the year. I do have conflicts with my parents but I somehow feel most in-laws take it as their birth right to insult a woman just because she's married to their son. And I don't think many of us are foolish or stupid enough to get upset over everything... if my mil says today your cooking is not upto mark i definitely try to improve. But if your main motto in life is to ruin my peace then no point keeping quiet. So these days I talk for myself... my husband doesn't want to hurt his parents' feelings in their old age. It works fine for him coz he's after all their child but I do deserve some respect. And no nothing has changed just coz i tell them what I feel but atleast i feel peace that I'm not brewing within myself and I let them know what I think they're doing is upsetting me.
     
  10. rosenav

    rosenav Silver IL'ite

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    Re: separating from in-laws

    Hi Devi
    Now its not abt your husband n ils, its abt your son,soon he will grow up and wants to make frnds with neighbourhood boys... you will start facing problem then, if it a slum locals..you would have to tolarate a lot of language your boy would pick up and other bad stuff. Its high time you put your foot down and stand by your word,once you move out things will get sorted.. every one will forget,time heals. You have to be stubbon only then it works...

    My mom also faced the same sitution we used to stay at a slum though we had a good house it was the neighbourhood which my mom was scared off, since my ils were not listening and as well as my dad..she took me n my sis to her frnds plc to stay and when she found a house we moved in.. Trust me i'm talking abt 70s when woment had no freedom.. howevr later my dad came home... and convienced my grandparents to stay with us.

    Please act now... take a decission... God bless you, Rose
     

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