Problems with In-laws

Is it normal behaviour of in-laws??

I have a question about in-laws. My in-laws won´ t tell me anything about family matters. They r financially dependent on us. We won´ t live with them. we live in USA.

1.They won´ t tell me like if they do some rituals to my sis-in-law´ s. They will just notify my husband. We r from AP. Recently my sis-in-law had some ritual,which we perform for each 5 years.My in-law´ s told that to my hubby and he sent money for that. But they never ever told me about that. But they didn´ t said about ritual they are doing for their daughter ( like on sucha date we r doing this)

2.One of my sis-law build a new home (she lives in USA)and they asked myhubby for money as gift to them. At that time my in-laws came to uk and they aksed my husband when I was not around. I would be happier if my MIL told that to me rather then I heard that from my husband.

This just freeks me out. I feel like they don´ t consider me as a family member.

I have a 1 and half year daughter. They won´ t tell us, like when we have to do her hair cutting ceremoney etc. byt my in-law´ s talks about things they have to do to thier daughters and their children.

I just want them to tell me like when they r doing special things or rituals. For example, we r doing this fucntion to ur SIL on such date.

my in-laws won´ t like my parents and most of the time me also.Eventhough I won´ t argue with them. is all in-laws are like htis? is this normal behaviour of in-laws? just borhters me very much.If this is not normal how should I behave to change this?

:idontgetit:

 

was i wrong??

hi all,
i am a Postgraduate software engineer married for 3 years and have a 14 months old baby girl.
i have absolutely no issues with my husband.
but all the trouble with MIL. she is very dominating and very demanding.
i cook food in the morning and go to office she helps me most of the time. for my small mistake she points out and starts commenting ..which i dont like.
i feel since how i have changed after marriage she should also mend her ways she cannt be like how she was before . she also has to respect me.
she cant treat me like however she wishes.
for trifle things she assumes some thing negitive and gets angry and stops speaking to me.i come from office to relax and play with my kid but she sits there with a big face.
Actually she is like that even before i got married.
i want to live happyly ..i want to be happy for every thing i have.
but this lady is spoiling my peace of mind.

i want to be very practical..and tryed my best to keep her calm ...but she has all kinds of mood swings which i fed up to tolerate.

now yesterday .. i told her that nobody treats me like this and she has hurt me many times which i am tolertating. finaly i lost my patience and broke my silence..and
she trys to control me.
since i am getting tired i planned to keep a cook so that i can spend time with my baby.for which she started that even she was working she did all hard work in raising kid...what not..
but why should i suffer .. i have every right to lead a luxiorios life which i can effort..which she i think doesnt like..when im at home i will be always busy in some thing or other.
so i want to relax and spend time with my baby..

all these days she took me granted as my husband ask me not to argue with her.. but lately i satrted feeling that i im lossing my identity and self repect..i could not wait anymore for my husband would do something to help..rather he is brouht up like that tolerating his mother ..got used to her..........but i am not brought up like that ..i am given lot of importance at home very where i go.

just wanted to share my feelings at this board.
i expect some wise ladies to comment suggest ..
was i wrong????? .....

 

Re: was i wrong??

Hai Avi....
This is just a flash back to my memories around 15 years back, me too like you when I was newly married had to face the same kind of problem you had, but my MIL was the cheif cook and I was her assistant, she use to keep chiding me for every silly things, and also keep blaming my parents for my up bringing, infact she use find a oppurtunity to scold me and insult me in front of other members of the family, this makes them beleive that I know nothing and that;s the reason for her irritation. Unfortunately like you I was not working and my husband my BIL and Fil use to think my MIL was always right and they feel she is the greatest cook in the whole world, that is because she was and infact is pampered by my FIL, who feels she is his world. She always use to keep a big face whenever we go out and come back, she hardly smiles and I use to feel nobody in the world can be like her soooo mean.... she use dominate in everything I do, even in the clothes I shud wear when we go out on family functions,what became unbearable was when she use to interfere in bringing up my little son,I wanted to give him milk, curds etc which is good for his health and here she is act sooo conjoose and ask me to dilute it with water, this is where I could not take it any longer and we moved out, she was very very angry in the beginging and never spoke to me for one year, but I went out of my way and spoke to her and gifted her a saree for some festival and this made her calmer , I had to do this for my husbands sake because I did not want a gap between mother and son. Now I am so happy and I have brought my son as I wished giving him all the freedom, he is now in 9th std extremely intelligent and very very energetic boy and this would not be possible if I stayed with her.
But your case is totally different because you are earning this is a greatest plus point you have to definetly put your foot down and live the way you like, you should consult her for her opinion and not wait to take her permission, if she does,t agree and you and your husband should decide regarding the matters like hiring a cook, or a maid after all you are going to enjoy the comforts for the long hours you are working in office.
If she does,t agree to all this, the only one way is to move out, she can lead her life and you yours.
Dont worry but make right decisions
bye
Hema

 

Hi Sunita,
Yeah, the technology is improved so drasticly that now we can make free calls from pc to pc, this is infact very good for all of us because we are not spending much on this, but I guess your hubby is feeling a little insecure because your are in touch with them every alternate days he must be feeling that you can spend that time with him, I suggest you you cut down your frequency or chat with your parents when he is not at home this way you can make both happy. No I dont agree that inlaws are our parents and our own parents are guest after marriage, our parents are our most precious gift that god has given us and we cannot for go them after marriage but it is better that you dont argue with him regarding this issue after all by his words they can never turn to guests and they will remain your parents for ever.
But I dont understand one thing why you should hate when he is talking to his sister, he is communicating to his only blood relation while you said he is not much in touch with his parents. I think your are being pessimistic in this regard.

Yeah regarding your settleing in bangalore you have still five more years to go, so why break your head right now itself. Both bangalore and Hyderabad are developing well in IT sectors and you both can decide about this later.
All the best, be happy
Hema

 

hi Sunitha ,
5 years --a big time gap .so u please start living for ur own now, enjoy the moments u r with ur husband and kid ...there is the problem after 5 years ,time will settle out the solution.so now enjoy the present day.

i too came from an orthodox family of south india ,with a comp sci engineering degree and learned all sorts of cooking and rituals customs from my mom and got married to same caste guy ,but born and brought up at north india. we settled as a nuclear family in pune.he's very much adjustable and loving . my Mil is from s.india , but she has lost her touch with south india ,since she didn't turn to her home due to reasons. so after my marriage , she expected me to behave just like what she did 40 years before ,when she was a newly wed.she asked me to sit and eat. at first i thought i was so lucky .whenever i asked her ,shall i cook today / could i help u ? she said "unnakku onnum theriyathu , naan enn mamiyaridum ippadi ketka mudiyathu ..unnakku theriyuma"(that means literally u r a dumb ,just sit , don't try to capture my zone...).my hubby's brothers wifes don't allow her to enter the kitchen , they said they r dieting(pizzas , chesses ,paratas arethe things they like , and other one don't like southy dishes.they said once to her they wantedto cook new dishes ,so for her no to kitchenand no to domination.
but she passed comments about me that i was lazy and sitting and watching tv. i'd to sit and see her so patiently ,hears all her stories (repeative ), she 's there to decide whats to cook , whos the maid , and even fin matters.i got bored , i'm not the type of person to see tv , instead i love reading books ...she put restriction to that too.even if i persist on cooking or doing vegetable shopping ,she said that u don't know the language and u don't know anything , sit and enjoy at home.
my mom and all elders of my side,even my hubby scolded me that i was making my old lady to work and i've to cook and take charge of her .

i love spicy foods ,but her foods are very mild .i used to eat only what she has put in my plate (orthodox applies only to me !!!). on suffering from acidityand on minor operation , she commented that my pickle eating was the reason (to be honest no pickles in the home).worst comments about my cooking when all people were praising me...
i couldn't go with him alone ,she would shout only withme , when he was in office . she would pick up the phone whenever he called me from office ,enquired about his food,lunch ....evil: ).


this got me so frustration , till my hubby came home i'd to be very patient .
all functions when i organised she said that her son had done it extremelly well.
even she shouted me inpresence of my parents ,and my parents are always very humble and they said to me" u should adjust with her , she's given u her son with very good qualities , thats wat we want frm u, she should be happy with u" . yes shes happy with me , but me ???.
she said looking after grand children was hectic and if i want so, i'd to put the baby in the creche.so much of instructions to give foods to baby ....???
even now i 'm here in usa for a temporary stay , so much time has wasted with
quarrelling about her with my husband.i fear my return trip permanently to india ...i love her a lot , if she cooks and dominates well, no prob for me ,i'll try to go for a job,i'm ready for a change and peace of mind .but when shes weak now ,i feel scared what to do.she shouts with me only ..

i feel she needs to change her attentuion to her interest that she could not pursue in her young days due to family pressures,(she suffered a lot )like going to temples , attending satsangs, and going for musical concerts...
i don't know how i'm going to convince her ..

just poured out my frustrations...sorry to bore u
=regards,
harini

 

money minded in-laws and blinded hubby

<HR style="COLOR: #ffffff" SIZE=1>Hi, My MIL live in a house with her 4 sisters and their family as her neighbours. She thinks highly of them and they influence her to take all the decisions according to their wish. This affects my family very much. My hubby without questioning his mom's needs, lavishes money on her whenever she asks for it. And this in turn i suspect goes into the purse of her sisters. My husband does not want to listen to anything bad about his family. Because of all this, we are unable to save much money. Moreover my hubby tries to shape his brothers' career and life, and wants my BIL to be sucessful in IT field. But what disturbs me is this. He made my BIL purchase a house (he is not even married) and things like that. But he is not worried about our life or about buying some property or save money for emergencies. If i suggest that we should think something about savings, he shouts at me. And his aunts, who are very cunning cheats my MIL, and swindle all that he gives her. She cannot see that they are exploiting her and is blinded by their affection. My hubbby also does not see the fact. suggest me how to tackle this issue?

 

Dear Sharonkavi,
how long are you married? Do you have children? Subtly start saving for your child. This may strike your husband.
If you are yet be become a mother, talk about saving for the children and those things when he is in good mood.
Also, try to manage the finances and all other things at home, so that there would not arise a need for your mil and group to ask for money.
Whatever you do, be patient for some time.

 

Is it normal behaviour of in-laws?

I have a question about in-laws. My in-laws won´ t tell me anything about family matters. They r financially dependent on us. We won´ t live with them. we live in UK.

1.They won´ t tell me like if they do some rituals to my sis-in-law´ s. They will just notify my husband. We r from AP. Recently my sis-in-law had some ritual,which we perform for each 5 years.My in-law´ s told that to my hubby and he sent money for that. But they never ever told me about that. But they didn´ t said about ritual they are doing for their daughter ( like on such a date we r doing this)

2.One of my sis-law build a new home (she lives in UK )and they asked myhubby for money as gift to them. At that time my in-laws came to uk and they aksed my husband when I was not around. I would be happier if my MIL told that to me rather then I heard that from my husband.

This just freeks me out. I feel like they don´ t consider me as a family member.

I have a 1 and half year daughter. They won´ t tell us, like when we have to do her hair cutting ceremoney etc. byt my in-law´ s talks about things they have to do to thier daughters and their children.

I just want them to tell me like when they r doing special things or rituals. For example, we r doing this fucntion to ur SIL on such date.

my in-laws won´ t like my parents and most of the time me also.Eventhough I won´ t argue with them. is all in-laws are like htis? is this normal behaviour of in-laws? just borhters me very much.If this is not normal how should I behave to change this? do I have to argue with them?
:idontgetit:

 

Re: Is it normal behaviour of in-laws?

Dear Srida,
your frustration I can very well understand. Been there in your shoes. But looking back I have this to say...May be your in laws donot feel comfortable you knowing them to be financially dependant on their son even though he happens to be your husband?? You have not mentioned what your husband's take is on this. Does he also feel that his parents are excluding you from family matters OR does he feel that this is just an oversight on their part and if you had been patient enough would have let you know about the events. If he feels they are excluding you then he should intervene on your part and let them know that he prefers that they tell his wife about all the events /matters that concern the family. If he feels that it was an oversight then he might be right after all he knows his parents better. It is very important for your happiness and peace of mind to have your husbands confidence while dealing with your parents in law. All the other thing that you have mentioned in your post are but a natural thing daughters are favored over daughter in laws and grand kids from that side are more precious.
You have a problem if your husband is also secretive and tries to hide these financial dealings with his parents from you.
Take care,
pushpa