Problems With Husband During Pregnancy

Moonlight89 · Jul 30, 2018

just to give a brief idea about my marriage- i have been married for 4 and a half years. i thought we had a reasonably good marriage. we had some fights during the first few years of marriage but they were few and we were reasonably happy.
he would become cruel and taunting during fights like u r worthless, ugly, poor, dont deserve me etc but these fights were few like once in 3 months. one mistake i did was always appeasing him after the fights even if he was wrong.
then in the third year of marriage i got pregnant and we had a beautiful baby girl. during this time i was doing my postgraduatiion studies and his mom was taking responsibility of cooking ( cook was there). there were some fights and disagreements with his mom over this arrangement and in hindsight i see i should have become independent by then.

then i had my postgraduation exams which were quite stressful( medical field) and i got pregnant again which was quite stressful. i had morning sickness in the first trimester but his mom was very unhappy about helping me and used to taunt me. she didnt want to take responsibility for our cooking, maybe she was justified in her place.
because of stress i got pneumonia in first trimester during which i went to my moms place and stayed there till recovery and my exams.
currently my daughter is 16 months and i m seven months pregnant. my husband has been fighting with me since last 6 months. initially the fights would be few but they increased too much in last few weeks.
he would call me ugly, worthless, bad mother, always comparing with sister, taunting about homes cleanliness, giving gaalis to my family. he starting mocking me in front of his mom and sis saying no one respects me, i m a piece of ****. then when i get upset he says he was just kidding and i dont have a sense of humour. his married sister lives in the same complex as us. he has become unusually close to her and she often mocks me etc but he thinks she is a saint and i should not utter a single word against her.
he says i dont have aukaad, i m lucky that he's not leaving me. he says some of his friends have affairs and are happy, maybe he should have affairs too. talks about separation and says i m so bad i make his old mom with arthritis do work ( there is a cook).
as for me my days r v busy with daughter and also i m in 8th month of pregnancy. i m too busy witj her yet he says i m kaamchor dont do work rest at home and not cook, i have sp oiled his life.
i m at a loss with his behaviour. in my opinion i was taking good care of my baby and cant seem to understand y he hates me so much.r his mom n sis brai washing him? i dont know.
when his behaviour became too insulting for my peace of mind and babys sake i came to my moms place to rest. i told him to change his attitude and treat me well. but he says i m wrong i dont cook, clean , look ugly, dont make effort to look good etc. also my sister and him had a fight few months back for which he blames that ur family has insulted me etc and maybe takes out this frustration on me.
how do i tackle this situation. i want to be treated with respect and not like a punching bag. please advise. i m in distress with his behaviour especially with the constant threats of separation and him having affairs with other women who can make him happy. right now i m staying at my moms place and not talking to him. please advice.

yellowmango · Jul 30, 2018

Op....unfortunately you are married to a low class ,crass man.( Sorry for the strong words but there are no other words I can find to descibe him )

No point blaming his mother and sister. They can brainwash him but they can't make him utter such gutter nonsense. He is basically an abusive low class man.

How supportive are your parents?
Will they help you if you want to stay with them for a long period of time?

If yes...stay with them .

Once the baby is born and you are feeling strong,look for a job . Become financially independent . Take your parents help in raising your kids . They will help you without abusing you.

Next time he talks about separation , tell him " if that is what you want, do it ".
Once he will realise that he can not scare you with the separation threat,he will shut up.
Or else he will separate.
Either way ...it is good riddance from rubbish.

You are a doctor. Why are you taking this crap from him .
No wonder he and his family treat you like this.
One has to learn to respect one self before one can expect respect from other.

Stop putting up with crap.
He is a crass bully and not worth the effort of staying in this marriage.

You are a doctor. You should know how such an environment will effect your children .They watch their father treat their mother like this. How is it going to effect them in the long run?This is not just about you.

Let him run after other women and spoil his life.
You have your own life to save .

Deepika23 · Jul 30, 2018

i agree with @yellowmango .
dont allow him to emotionally torture u .

relax and take care of ur health
fighting with ur hus should take a backstep for timebeing until ur delivery.

Become financially independent and dont allow anyone to degrade u.

blackbeauty84 · Jul 30, 2018

OP, unfortunately person like your husband hardly change. He needs a doctor as wife, but still need her to cook and clean for him. He is mentally and emotionally abusing you. Stop all the contacts with him till the delivery for your own peace. This environment is not suitable for a toddler and expecting woman.
He is just using separation as a threat. The moment he knows you won't succumb to it , he will shut up. You need to think whether you want to be married to such a man & family. Plan on how soon can you get back to work and get financially independent.

friendabc · Jul 30, 2018

wow ..he calls u ugly and piece of sh8t ...and he hates u ...inspite of all that he , very conveniently made u pregnant !!!! ..during that time u didnt look ugly to him ???? WHAT A BIG HYPOCRITE LOSER .. (sorry for harsh words) ..live separately .

goldenhoney87 · Jul 30, 2018

Please become financially independent as you have completed your postgraduation .
Respect yourself and dont let anybody utter anything which you don't deserve.
Threatening for separation is a very easy thing to do.Dont get demotivated listening to it.Once you yield to the crap they speak it will be easy for them to trouble you.
You be very confident and independent to a point that itself threatens them.
Good luck

Rakhii · Jul 30, 2018

OP, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. Unfortunately, I will have to agree with the others. It doesn’t seem like there will be any improvement, considering you guys are practically living with his mom and sis. I am not really sure if you are culturally open for separation. In my case, when I moved to India for 3 months, that distance gave a good indication to my husband about how many things (don’t) get done when I am not there. Like, cooking, cleaning, bathroom cleaning, carpets, groceries, the laughter of our children etc. He realised what he would be missing for life if I leave for good. I also realised what i would be missing if i leave him; I think it dawned on me that I actually do love him.
In your case, your MIL will happily fill in your role in your absence, so its 10 times harder to make him see your worth.

Are you sure you want to live with him? Its going to be an uphill battle. I am not really keen on discussing about household work. I mean, here, I don’t have the luxury of hiring a maid. Everything has to be me; literally everything. If I were you, my focus would be on gaining financial independence. And then take one step at a time. Don’t keep too many goals. Just start with one. Mine would be financial independence.

DDream · Jul 30, 2018

Op, this is not a problem during pregnancy. It is one of the main problems in your married life. @yellowmango has outlined whatever came to my mind.

Honestly I don't want you to waste time for this culture less man ( sorry OP) now. Focus on your energy and time for your health, pregnancy and gain financial independence. You should be your first priority now. If you can take a break and stay with your parents, do that. You need peace of mind during this time.

Once you gain confidence ( both mentally or financially) , then you should face him with courage. I am not asking you to fight or degrade to his low levels. But be confident and assertive and gain the ability to talk in calm, cool and stern voice. Maintain your dignity and standard.

He is behaving this way because he knows very well that you will bend to any level to be in this marriage. You have to break his confidence and make him understand that you are not going to take this crap again .

Don't waste any time fighting with MIL to SIL. It is not worth it. Completely ignore them or their comments. If you dh insult you, you can tell him a good man with culture always protect and respect wife in front of others. He is teaching your kids to mistreat you and it is unacceptable. Try not to argue with MIL or SIL or complain about them, as it wont help you. Also learn not take these comments too seriously and worry about it again and again.

"he says some of his friends have affairs and are happy, maybe he should have affairs too."

This is not a good sign . If he say like this you can tell him " you can have fun like his friends ..but before that give me divorce and then go" . "Will you be ok if I have fun with other men ?"

"talks about separation and says " "i have sp oiled his life"

What he wants to listen is " no dear husband please dont talk this way , I am ready to do whatever to stay in this marriage" you should break his confidence.. You should tell him " Yes I am ready for separation or divorce. If you want that I am ready for it, tell me when you want to file it ( he dont want to listen this sentence or expect it) I have enough. You are an abuser and spoiling my life " or whatever. Be stern it is just a threat. You have to convince him you are not afraid of separation ( i am not asking you to do that, just act bold). So dont talk this way just to threat you.

"he starting mocking me in front of his mom and sis saying no one respects me i m a piece of ****. then when i get upset he says he was just kidding"

When he starts give an expression like ".. what nonsense.." take you kid and walk away as if you dont care or change subject. He want you to get upset. Another way is to switch on tv an&d watch or use ear phone and listen to some music.. Just give a look like you dont give any importance to his comments. when he wont get the responds he will stop it slowly. but show a positive unaffected body language. Or you can say , good men always respect woman including his wife.

"dont make effort to look good" If you think if there any thing true , take it positively and work on your health and grooming. Wear good clothes that suits you

"i want to be treated with respect and not like a punching bag"
You should first make him aware that you are not a punching bag. Demand respect. Tell him you will treat him with respect if he treats you with respect, if not expect it back. You ask him what he wants from you -" Do you want me to love you or hate you" . Your actions are making me sad and emotionally distant.

"i m wrong i dont cook, clean...kaamchor" Just agree with him . "This is what I can do . If you can do a better job do it yourself". [you are doing your best, dont worry about what others think. Just have an attitude, if you want to think so think that way I dont care] . [ I have faced "cleaning" related comments from my dh, only this approach helped me, now he helps me a lot. I do cleaning only when he is at home and ask him to help me]

"look ugly" Dont get affect by this. You are beautiful the way you are . This is just to put you down . tell him "Ok if you think so. You are not the most handsome man in this world who deserves a beautiful wife. Better stop this kind of talk.."

Just mentioned whatever come to my mind. May work or not only you only can tell... gain confidence. you can talk boldly only when you are ready to face anything. Talk always in a calm, stern voice. Let him see the strong woman in you. Once he find out out his mocking, insulting etc dont have an effect he will stop those.

Just create an attitude, if you want to be in life, give respect. Set your own rules and demands.

Dont allow him to abuse you or torture you. Focus on your life, your career, your kids. Seek help of your parents if needed.

kumudh31 · Jul 30, 2018

Moonlight89 said: ↑

he says i dont have aukaad, i m lucky that he's not leaving me. he says some of his friends have affairs and are happy, maybe he should have affairs too. talks about separation and says i m so bad i make his old mom with arthritis do work ( there is a cook).

If he is my son, I will box his ears with tight slaps and would have chased him out. Don't worry you're educated mom for a beautiful girl. stay at your parent's house till your second delivery and treat this as temporary separation and see if he is changing otherwise get out of this abusive relationship. don't worry about his blackmails. All the best.
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pinky2cute · Jul 31, 2018

Dear moonlight,
I'm also a doctor and I can totally understand your situation as I too recently gave my postgrad exams though I was unlucky and lost my unborn child.
So you count your blessing that you have a lovely daughter and your pregnancy is in last trimester and you are under the care of your parents.
As a doc you know how the stress at this point is harmful for you as well as the baby inside.
So just divert your mind, read garbhsanskar, some nice books to calm your mind.
Few weeks left after which you will be more stressful with the LO n sleepless nights, feeding sessions et all.

As for your husband, as everyone said, he doesn't deserve you.
UGLY is his heart not you.
WORTHLESS is his character not you.
POOR is his soul not you.
UNDESERVING is him not you.

Threat to separate? Good for you!- next time he even tries to raise his voice with filthy words, just cut his words and say that " yes you are ugly because an ugly heart like his cannot see the real beauty!"
Say "yes I'm undeserving of this abusive worthless behaviour of yours".
And say that you are ready to separate as he is spoiling your life!.
Tell him to divorce you if he is so interested in having affairs with other females as you as a " doctor" do not want to contract any STDS nor will continue this relationship of abuses and bear characterless man.
So he can divorce you n go do whatever he want.
You don't need such a man as your husband dear. We are doctors... You completed pg. Just take break for an year till your baby is 1 and then join hospitals for jobs...take help of your parents.
But don't go back to that husband of yours till he agrees to never abuse you and give you the respect you deserve as a wife and mother of his kids! And above all respect as a human being!

Was he always abusive like this? From day1 marriage? If yes then how the hell he made you pregnant when he is all the time calling you ugly.
Its like eating sweets despite complaining its too much high on sugar and ghee!.lol.
What double standards!!!!