Problems with DH - in-laws and his ex-girlfriend

Dear Fiona,
Its fine to want space for yourself and limit your visits to PILs place.
Regarding conception men usually don't like to do anything as an order, command performances put them off, the pressure can backfire.
Do not let old flames rekindle , would any hubby make his DW's ex his buddy???
Don't include her in your circle of friends ,it can lead to much more , lending shoulders to each other .
Also make it clear that all the hugging her puts you off, let him sulk.
He should realize that a wife has a right to feel bad if DH hugs, meets his ex, not done.

 

In this matter I am very old fashioned, I feel that unless children are involved, then frankly there should be no reason whatsoever, to keep in contact with an ex - all that tells me is that he has not been able to move on, and still carries around the emotional baggage of his past relationship.

Personally if I were married to someone who kept in contact with an ex, he would find himself an ex very quickly as I would end it right away.
I absolutely detest that kind of avoidable drama and I would never encourage it in a relationship.

How often do we hear about people ending up back in the arms of exes, or in their bed? Quite often.
So no, I believe that when a relationship is over, it should be a clean break.
It's disrespectful to the present relationship otherwise.

If your hubby is aware that his friendship with his ex is making you insecure and unhappy, then he ought to put an immediate end to it as any caring and loving husband would do.

 

I understand, but what I wanted to say is - you are his wife, therefore he ought to consider your feelings too and make more of an effort to give up a few of these 'habits' for the sake of domestic happiness- can he be trusted to do that for you?

 

one thing at a time. your husband seems to be very good person, very good son and undoubtedly an excellent friend and noone in this world would think of bad of him! my concern is and it must be your concern as well, is he a good husband? i am sorry but i dont think so. This is the question you should ponder and ask him. We think someone is good actor or son or manager in a company or good in home making then they must be good spouses as well or vice versa and this might be far from truth as well. your husband might not realize it as well. its your job to make him understand with the best diplomatic skills you can lay your hands on. today job of man is much more then paying bills. he might be keeping himself happy just with the fact that he is giving you all the freedom that you want and tolerating your behavior(from his perspective) for your IL and his ex or not being abusive.but you have to make him understand that today women need and deserve much more then that, we need to be cared, we need to be heard and we need to be understood. this he might be missing. if he is so excited about running away to his parents and doesnt care about conceiving can you imagine how will he take up the responsibility of child. and how will you cope up with extra pressure of a baby and husband who is still a son. all these things can be sorted out without spoiling relationships. just take one thing at a time, starting with your TTC concerns and concerns about him to be there for you when you might need him most, which is till 2 years after child birth. about ex GF, its natural to feel jealous. but try to refrain from expressing it till you have the baby. you want your husband with you, not crying on his ex gf shoulders because of a wife who doesnt understand platonic friendships. for the time being try to involve her husband to all your meetings and see how he responds to all the hugging etc and if she doesnt hug in front of her husband then you have another weapon in your hand to be used when you need it. Dont feel stressful esp when you are TTC. its all about hormones and they respond to stress very quick. All the best.

 

Hugging amongst friends is not a big deal. That is generally done by many folks and it is ok.
The only issue is it is not just a friend, but an ex-flame so you feel uncomfortable.
Otherwise I think hugging is a more acceptable thing and happens more often than you think when good friends.

 

From your previous posts it appears you are around 27 (?) years old. How old is your hubby? if he is 30-32 or so, then he would have been around 15-16 yrs old when he was involved with this ex-gf. Is that even a real relationship? Teenage crushes are hardly worth worrying over. You say you have met her once in the last 1.5 years. Again doesn't seem like she is a constant presence around you and your husband. You have a good husband who loves you. This girlfriend business seems a lot like a non-issue. If you don't like the hugging, tell him gently that it makes you uncomfortable. Don't keep it inside and build stress.

 

Regarding your second problem:

Hug her well before she tries to hug your H and whisper in her ear .."ohh.. you better hug me instead of my H .... I am such a very old fashioned jealous jerk .... what to do ... I somehow hate this hugging business between opposite genders .... Don't think otherwise ...." and laugh out extremely loud dominating any of her attempt to justify their hug.

Even after loosening the hold ... continue holding her hands till all the initial formal greetings 'how are you' ... etc., are completely done between everybody .... Leave her and let her go only after you people settle down after formal greetings. Greet her enough :crazy so that she will not find opportunity to greet your H with a hug. :biggrin2:

Your H will think you are socializing too well with her .... and on the flip side you will be able to stop this nonsense. Don't mess with your H ... instead mess with her if you are really bothered about the hug ... What worst can happen? she will stop talking to you. Who cares ... she will stop hugging your H right??
so do it.