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Problems for Single Parents

Discussion in 'Life Without Spouse' started by TypicalLady, Nov 19, 2015.

  1. TypicalLady

    TypicalLady Senior IL'ite

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    Hello Everyone,

    I have been reading thru all the posts here of late and thought this is the right place to get some views/opinions for my problem.

    Here is my problem:
    I am married for 8 years and have two kids (8 & 4 yrs). I am financially independent. I have been trying hard to save my marriage but failed to do so... hence, on the verge of separation/divorce.
    of late, I have been advised by my parents/friends that the separation is not a right decision and they hve been frightening me saying that I have to face lot of problems as a single parent and also not good for kids development (either way doesn't see much benefit staying with their father).

    But I feel that, with the current changing environment in metro cities, practically, I don't think there would be so many problems to raise kids as a single parent.

    so, I want to understand from IL members if my view is correct or not.
    Also, expecting some practical , real-life experiences from single parents.

    Thanks,
    TypicalLady.
     
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  2. omnam

    omnam Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear,

    Sorry to read about your stage of marriage. I haven't read your previous posts. But what is your children opinion on your divorce? How about your husband? Does he wants to visit kids after D or your children want to meet him? If he don't want visiting rights than things will be easier and no pain of managing and forgetting things. But If you are going to coordinate between husband and children for their meetings...I guess that's a commitment of its own and pain of talking to ex and thinking of old good times.
     
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  3. Soch

    Soch Silver IL'ite

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    The following problem are those might pop up:

    1.Neighbors curious to know about their father, Some Neighbors are really good. To avoid such situation , you itself tell that you are separated. So Kids will not feel something different.

    2. Kids might ask you questions about their father, they might insist you to talk or join their father. So be prepared for those.

    3. Kids friends might ask them, so kids might struggle to reply them. So tell them a standard reply like father is onshore or something.

    4. When you are in office, who will take care of them. If they are sick/school meeting it is always you who will have to take care. So plan those situation.

    I think Bangalore is better for these situation than Chennai, I see you are from Hyd so that should not be a problem. Always try to be in Big Apartments so you have security & kids also will have some friends, you will also have some friends of your age group.

    As of now I got these things.


    Soch
     
  4. TypicalLady

    TypicalLady Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you omnam for your inputs.
    Right now staying at parents place.
    so, kids doesn't ask about their father at all... he also visited kids couple of times after separation.. but stopped visiting after that as there was no proper response even from kids (he was never caring for them though).
    I hope, he doesn't create any problems further.
     
  5. TypicalLady

    TypicalLady Senior IL'ite

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    Thanks for your inputs soch.
    Yes. I am more concerned about kids social life now.... that is what is bothering me a lot.
    Also, concerned about leading life on my own along with kids..
    I might get some maid support and temp support from my parents...
    but how does the society/neighbours (especially men) take it or take advantage of my situation... Myself & kids might not lead a proper social life like earlier is what is bothering me a lot.

    In fact, seeking more inputs in handling such situations...
     
  6. Soch

    Soch Silver IL'ite

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    One more thing is, It is you, you only have to handle all the works, like household work, office work, kids stuff. Deciding about kids future, which school, extra curricular activities, who will pick up, everything will be yours. so you have to be very strong in those. You parent might help, but cant demand more. So you will be really exhausted, Getting time for you will be difficult. Sometime its like parent or other who help you feel that they have done big favor for you, so problem related to that also might pop up. So you be independent always, You get some maid to support. Build your support system very strong, so that you can manage.

    Don't think I am frightening you, these things I came across. It is tough but not impossible.
     
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  7. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    Dear TypicalLady,
    I don't foresee any problem in being a single parent. Many in this world are single parents...the reasons can be many. I don't want to go into that aspect.. O.K for the first few days his friends or neighbours may ask where the dad is. Children can tell them he stays elsewhere. Neighbours...now a days nobody has time for others. Many times we do not know who the neighbours are. In our apartment complex only interaction with most of the neighbours is a smile in the lift or coming out or going into the complex. They do not even pause to stand and stay hello. Kids are also busy with their studies, activities or play with each other for some time and they do not have neither the inclination nor interest or curious about these family matters. it is only in films and T.V serials they show. My friend is a single parent. Father never treated the kids well...so no problem from him that he would attract the kids. If he was so attached to kids situation would have been different. My friend's daughters studied well, they are engineers, got married to good boys. My friend did part time Ph.D after separation. She has a job. Nobody points out her. Socially, relatives...nobody talks about him to her. She is far more less stressful and is relaxed. It is better for the kids to be happy with single parent than parents who fight. Good for their development. When they grow up they can know reality. Parents are in the same city....they can be helpful when some need arises. Better to stay separate than with parents. Apartment complexes are safe to live.
    Long FB.
    Syamala
     
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  8. Soch

    Soch Silver IL'ite

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    Safety wise when you are with Parents, that should not be a problem. In office environment you might come across some if they come to know about that. so better don't share with anyone until it is unavoidable. I was maintaining like that, but once one of my colleague (later he become good friend) said he knows it before I relieved to him like when he asked about my family, it seems I told, Daughter, father & husband. Generally people tell husband, daughter & others. Don't share any personal details to everybody. Other wise it is ok.

    It is better to be separated than being in bad relationship. You wont believe my daughter was major support to me during bad situations. Kids will also understand the situation & manage it.
     
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  9. TypicalLady

    TypicalLady Senior IL'ite

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    Thank you Soch. you are definitely not frightening me. instead I want to understand what are the different practical problems I have to face and get ready myself for.

    Thank you Shyamala. good to hear about your friend. where did she live (along with parents/separate)?
     
  10. shyamala1234

    shyamala1234 Platinum IL'ite

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    My friend rented an apartment and lived there. Parents were in Hyderabad only, visiting and helping whenever needed. It is always better to have a separate establishment..can live like extended family. You also would like to have your own independence. So, rent a house or apartment, tell the owners your husband lives in another place. In apartments you would not have any contact with owners...except depositing the rent every month in bank or contact them when some repair works are needed.. As long as you pay rent in time nobody would bother you. When they understand your nature after sometime they would become friends with you. World and people are not bad as is said. First step is with a little hesitation....next steps would be easier.
    Be bold, have courage, give confidence to children. If you are nervous ask your parents to come and stay with you for a few days till you get yourself established.
    Good luck, lead a happy life, give children happy childhood. Everything would be fine.
    Syamala
     
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