1. How to Build Positivity in Married Life? : Click Here
    Dismiss Notice

Problems because of his Female friend

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by PadmaS, Aug 18, 2010.

  1. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,065
    Likes Received:
    256
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    We are all one unit, Sudha. :cheers
    You can speak your mind. It is your platform too. :)
    We are all adults and Difference of opinion will not disintegrate us. :thumbsup
     
  2. iamsudha

    iamsudha Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    I don't know why you mention "I am a Mango vs I am a Mango". If you recall that picture, both were not mangoes. One was an egg and the other was capsicum. it was to mock and ridicule.

    You have a very carefully nurtured altruistic image here and I am sure a zillion people here vouch for you and hence I was a bit shocked at the stab considering the history all of you had with me.

    Does that apply here?

    If you believe it applies and if you generously say that I got the mango right this time, do we need to ridicule the other party as getting the mango wrong? Do we have to be that childish around here?

    P.S. I don't intend to start another issue. But I don't know the reason you brought it up here.
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2010
  3. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,065
    Likes Received:
    256
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Dear Sudha,

    Whatever I said was in true good intention.. to avoid misunderstandings with folks & to be friendly with you . Nothing more than that.

    I have no idea that my above lines could be read between like the way
    you did!

    I consider you and everyone as my friends.. nothing more, nothing less.
    Infact, I respect YesICan for her relentless concern for DV victims
    regardless of the differences of opinion, and my failure to convey her what I really meant. I believe she too has the same cordial feel towards me.

    So I had no intention to ridicule anyone.. I won't even do that to
    people who would hurt me.. why would I to folks like you?!

    Well, Like Dr.Preethi rightly said, I shall just leave it here, ofcourse with the hope that you will understand me and my intentions some day in the near future.

    Cheers.
     
  4. iamsudha

    iamsudha Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    OK, MST.
    About the red color thing you highlighted, when you say mango vs mango. It inherently has winners and losers. You say you had no idea about the flip side of that ! I know you are an intelligent person, MST. It is really not that much of a stretch to talk about the second Mango in Mango vs Mango, is it?

    Any way. It's OK. You don't need to answer why Mango Vs Mango had to make it into your response.

    No big deal! I can give it like I get!
     
  5. mstrue

    mstrue New IL'ite

    Messages:
    2,065
    Likes Received:
    256
    Trophy Points:
    0
    Gender:
    Male
    Sudha,

    If you have had PM, or if there were a tangent thread like before, I would have taken it offline from here. So let me make a last attempt.

    Well, I used the phrase 'mango vs mango' to represent the
    tangent discussion as a whole, in the other thread and not the involved folks.

    Certainly, not in any way to portrait one mango is against another mango or one won over another. After all both are mangoes.ie both set of folks are against DV. What is there to contest? It is just loss of context that ignited the whole discussion.

    Let us agree to disagree & move on, Sudha. Cheers!
     
  6. parvathi1980

    parvathi1980 Platinum IL'ite

    Messages:
    1,137
    Likes Received:
    1,307
    Trophy Points:
    283
    Gender:
    Female
    I think i agree with what indianguy posted...u r not being over possessive...No harm in being cautious...
    I also feel that this "friendship" needs to be stopped...u need to come between them...but this will not happen by ur repeatedly pushing ur dh...i know it is tuf...but u need to play smart...get more involved in his conversation with this lady...somehow i also feel that this lady may be in a bad relationship and she is leaning on ur dh for support...

    Frankly the whole thing does not look right to me...talking for 2 hrs to a female friend on a regular basis is not normal.

    by the way how is ur married life otherwise? any reason for him to go to this woman for support? Do not push him to stop talking to her...u might just end up pushing him away from urself...Try taking a normal interest in this female friend with sounding suspicious...jmo.
     
  7. Umasu

    Umasu Junior IL'ite

    Messages:
    34
    Likes Received:
    7
    Trophy Points:
    13
    Gender:
    Female
    Hi padma,

    My first advice is don`t tell him that he should not call her.This problem will be solved by your calculative and intellegent steps.I know lot of my friends(Girls) talk to their classmates(boys) about their family problems.I guess since this lady is also married has some trouble in her family life that she might be talking with your hubby.Becoz these issues if u start talking will go on and on and it also take 2 to 3 hrs daily.Assuming like this you first start spending your free time with your husband by chatting about general topics and see to that you enquire about that girl atleast once in a week(please not daily)and ask him whether she has any problem.You from the front tell him want to talk to her and call her on the exact time they both chats often(since you check his call log note the timings and act).Also you often talk to him all nice things that happened in your life and good things about your in laws .Trust me if you open these topics your Hubby will start respecting you and also will build your relationship much more stronger.Try to cook nice menus and start diverting his attentions.But padma don`t do everything together as i said earlier slowly and steadily if you do this, i bet you will come out from this problem though it might take sometime.

    All the Best.
    Uma.
     
  8. iamsudha

    iamsudha Senior IL'ite

    Messages:
    177
    Likes Received:
    3
    Trophy Points:
    18
    Gender:
    Female
    deleted ...
     
    Last edited: Aug 22, 2010
  9. indianguy2010

    indianguy2010 IL Hall of Fame

    Messages:
    2,942
    Likes Received:
    1,053
    Trophy Points:
    315
    Gender:
    Male
    Hi PadmaS,

    I am very happy that there are women , in this thread, who have understood men correctly and are talking very sensibly about the core issue of this thread. One is Parvaty, another is Uma.


    Parvaty said........."No harm in being cautious...
    I also feel that this "friendship" needs to be stopped...u need to come between them...
    but this will not happen by ur repeatedly pushing ur dh...i know it is tuf...but u need to play smart."

    Uma.su, said..........."My first advice is don`t tell him that he should not call her.This problem will be solved by your calculative and intellegent steps..........."

    Listen to me, Carefully Padma.S, ............I have made something bold, in the above two ladys' quotes. This looks, self contradictory , at the first look, for some one who reads it fast. But, I ask you to go through what these two ladies have said, slowly again and again.

    From a male point of view, I am also saying the same. They are NOT saying anything, self contradictory.............on one hand, you should not ask your husband directly to stop talking to her. Why ? Because, he will go to any irrational extent, in justifying that what he is having with that woman is totally a harmless friendship (in reality, it is not)................on the other hand, you have to be vigilant to see that it does not evolve into a full blown affair. How ?

    I have already said in my earlier reply in this thread, that most of such telephonic talk - flings, do not evolve into full blown affairs, unless the woman in this case herself surely wants to do so. Well........I do not think, that woman wants anything more than some romance through phone talks with her old male pal. I have already said, that woman may not go to a full blown affair with him, because, if she does so, her present marriage with her husband will be destroyed. Women, by and large, do not take this extreme risk (of destroying their original marriage), for the sake of enjoying some fun mixed romance on the side....... unless , they themselves want to leave their present husband.

    So, what you should do in a nutshell........

    • do not confront him directly again and again asking him to stop talking to her.

    • Be vigilant about the signs of this talk fling, evolving into an affair. The signs of an affair are hard to conceal. They will manifest themselves. There is a saying in Gujarati, "it is not possible to conceal pyaar & pregnancy. Both, will be visible as they grow more and more"

    • The following one is difficult to do. You will develop deep sense of anger and resentment towards your man. Because , what is happening is NO FAULT OF YOU. Yet, please try to be as patient as possible. Try not to show your anger and resentment towards him on other activities of the day. It is difficult, but you have to do.

    • Any such resentment / anger expressed by you towards him (try keeping this process as minimal as possible, if at all, it is inevitable), will push him away from you, further.

    • You already would have sensed the emotional distance that has arisen between you and him. What you can do is to try not to make this distance more and more.

    • Things between him and the other woman, are not in your hands. But, you can at least do the above and prevent a potential disaster, happening in future.
    We are with you..........keep us updated.

    May God Bless You.
     
  10. Visu2k

    Visu2k Gold IL'ite

    Messages:
    577
    Likes Received:
    165
    Trophy Points:
    108
    Gender:
    Male
    Sudha, let me tell you that I too am a long time member here but I am not affiliated to any group. For me everyone here seem equally close. I state my opinion and my reasons where I think I have a perspective, and leave it to the wisdom of the other person on what he/she makes out of it. I have not faced any problems of others ganging upon me so far. So I think, if you too voice your opinion and not quote others unless that is absolutely necessary for a context, I think you need not worry about "treading cautiously".
     

Share This Page