Problem with Parents

Hi Athaalia,

I read your initial post, your follow-up and some of the replies.
I agree you are in a sensitive position. You should handle it wisely. I see that you have given the situation enough thought and I am sure in the end, you will act accordingly.
I am just posting my reply based on the fact that you have posted it in a forum and that you are open for discussion.

My 2 cents .....

I agree with some of fellow ILs, that you should help your parents out. May be give some comfortable amount; do this for your sister. Forget about your parents and just do it for your sister. And most of all do it for yourself ! Becoz the guilt, the gulilt of not helping your family when they are in need, well not exactly need- may be when they request for money will eat you up for the rest of your life.

Last, a word about parents. Parents are wonderful, they are the living GODS and they are our support system. But, I agree sometimes they are irritating, annoying, seemingly selfish. This is mainly of 2 reasons - 1. We change and 2. Parents change.
Over the years, may be after we get married and we are on our own, we start isolating them. Not consciously, but we tend to do that. Because of this, they feel insecure. Just like your father, he must be having half a crore in savings, but is not ready to burn it becoz of insecurity. Aso, our parents change, previously they are the selfless souls, ready to do anything for us, later they change, they start treating us like a different entity... they feel we have our spouse and our extended family to help us and start distancing themselves. Again, they don't do this on purpose.
Besides this, our expectation is a problem. Sometimes, we as well as our parents expect too much from each other and get disappointed ; in fact we get hurt to be precise... so we react.

But you know what, no matter what happens, how much ever they appear selfish, or money-minded, they love us and of course we love them. So, make a decision on this fact and nothing more.


Again as a disclaimer, this post contains just my thoughts. I did not mean to hurt or judge anyone.

Take care now.
Regards
SS2007.

 

Well I apologize if i had hurt you. But I would say ,if you would have provided more context to your issue. Your apprehensions would have sounded more genuine.
And I dont believe in arguing and proving my point. But I do believe in respecting parents to core. Sometime parents can be on wrong trend too. In that case, children have to be cautious. Like you are. So no offence, I understand your predicament better. Once again sorry.
Cheers
Ria

 

Dear Athalia,
Read your fierce reply to all "NOT SO WISE SUGGESTIONS".
You are not forced to take anybody's suggestions........and its the way people think by themselves.....here the only judge is you, whose suggestion you feel to accept and that does not mean anyway that others whose suggestion you are not accepting are OTHERWISE.......
Another thing, you have never explained before about your past and your relationship with your parents, so nobody can ever know what's your past and how good you were and how bad/selfish your parents were in the past......so we ILites just replied what seemed to justified to US/INDIVIDUAL only.
So, nobody has any interest to disrespect you in any means, provided you write/express clearly about the situation.
PLEASE NOTE: ITS A PUBLIC FORUM AND WORDS SUCH AS ASS-OFF AND BULL **** SHOULD BE AVOIDED AND BETTER PREPOSITIONS CAN BE USED IN PLACE OF THESE WORDS.
Thank you.

 

Hi,

I found Varalotti's comments/suggestions to your problem is perfect. Just gift some money (whatever u can) and politely tell the parents that U couldn't give more due to the new baby's expenses, other investments etc.,
I agree with you that if your father doesn't return the money, then it may make your hubby to talk bad about your parents and you wouldn't want that to happen.

Its all easy to say that parents r the one brought you to this world etc., which is known anyway. The ETHICS factor is extremely important here..and I am sure you are worried if the money will be returned, given the level of ethics of your father. Helping in times of need is important, as long as it doesn't hurt you in anyway.

Take care,
Geeth Priya.

 

Hi,
Your problem is quite simple. Its basically a question of can u or cant u give ur parents any money. I would rather my family borrowed from me than went out into the open world and borrow from outside. According to me there are only 2 people in this world who love you unconditionally for who you are,and they are your parents and your children, so dont let them down. Its easy to get emotional and feel angry with them for putting you in this position of having to take a decision to help or not help. But i have been in a similar circumstance and i would suggest that you give them as much as you can spare and treat it as a gift. Dont expect the money to come back at all. That way you dont have to feel any guilt and also there will be no ackwardness on when they money has to be returned etc. Some things may seem unfair but one has to do them because its for the family.
I hope this long reply helps to bring some perspective to your problem.
Cheers
Uma

 

Dear Athalia,

I read ur initial posts and the later replies.. Read all other's views also. Even I fully agree with Varalotti's suggestion. You can give some amount to ur parent's as a Gift. I did it that way, 4 months back during my sister's wedding. Since that is the only savings you have for yourself, keep more of the money for your emergency.

I understand that you have helped ur parents in the past, even before marriage. Your parents are asking you for the money because they may not want to ask anybody else for the same. They may be thinking that you are their daughter and have the responsibility to help them during a needy situation. But you can explain to them that it is your hard earned money and is saved for any emergency. As you are living in US, it may not be easy for u to get help from others, in the time of an emergency. Try to make them understand the fact that you are not so wealthy as they think.

Take a Wise decision. Try helping your parents up to the level you can afford. All the Best.:thumbsup

 

As my relationship with my parents is entirely different, I am really not able to understand your position. But I have seen many parents expecting help from their children who earn better than themselves and I feel there is nothing wrong in that, because after all they do have the liberty. But they should also give a thought to your changed position now, as the DIL of another family. In your place, I would have openly discussed the issue with my mother and then helped them to the extent possible. After all, money can be earned but never the love of a disheartened parent. Your baby is very small to think right now about his future over the marriage of your kin. You have all the time in the world to build up savings once again. Never lose relationships. It is very hurting for parents to know that they are being discussed behind their backs and you can never live in peace if you hurt your mother. Be frank and confide in your mother. She will empathise with you.

Sudha Narasimhachar

 

Dear Athalia,

it is too sad to have a mother like that who irritating her daughter. i can understand how it will be to a daughter because i have a grandmother who irritates my mother in each and every issue.

it is best for u to talk to them frankly and let them know how you are feeling with they behaviour. Let them also know if u can give some amonut to them and ask them how much time to return back to u. it is best for all to be frank and keep it open. it should not effect ur married life later also.

Good luck.

 

Dear Friend,
I am really shocked to see ur mail. What you are today is only because of ur parents. This is the time u have to help them. You must have asked your father, before he asked for help. As a first daughter u should have taken the responsibility. When ever u need a help only the parents will come first to help.Of course the Savings is very important for you. money will come n go anytime. But the relationship is very important. Think calm and call your father and tell him in advance, how much you can help. Accordingly he can make arrangement for the balance amount.be happy and proud that you are in a position to help your parents.GOd will bless you with double the amount of wealth .So plz think well and try to help in this situation (for a good cause). Sorry if you are hurt with my reply.
Take a good decision.
As a grand mother she must be calling ur son with a pet name> it is not going to affect ur son. let her have the happiness by calling her G son as she likes.
with wishes to u n ur son.
:wave