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Problem with own dear father.......

Discussion in 'Parents & Siblings' started by Renu1999, Mar 25, 2009.

  1. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Hi very sad to start a thread like this. I never expected to start thread like this.bonk.

    My father has given me good education, everything from my child hood. I should never complain about him...
    He spent lots of money for my education. But I didnt find good job before marriage and so I havent paid back any money to him. I always felt so bad about it.
    But luckily after marriage I got good job and I gave 75% of my salary to my father for 3 years..I didnt keep track of anything..I used to tell my parents about exactly how much I make. Now I am not working. I never asked him for any money..... But Now I need it for some/many reason....Now everytime I ask him for money he ask for the reason... If I say I want to buy land he says that is not good that wont appreciate/thats so hard to maintain....Last time when I went to India I wanted to buy gold coin he said gold prices are too high now and its not good time now..And he always says I am losing sleep because I have to take care of your money.

    I love and respect my father like anything but I am getting frustated everytime he gives suggestions/I have to give him big explanation... apart from that I have to deal with my Inlaws.He is not using all money for his own use. He just takes little bit of it....I agree with that as prices In India is very high these days....

    WHen I went to india this time I explained my mom clearly that I need money . My mom is with me she said just open an a/c and put her money aside so that she can use it whenever she needs it.. Initially he said some one has to operate the a/c here otherwise its problem and finally he agreed.

    so we opened a/c together and put some lakhs in that . And it gives 3% interest. I was ok with it and told them I will give them money whenever and they can take the interest it they need it...I have created online a/c to that and I am happy and atleast I know now whenever I want to study or do some major expense for me.....

    ANd this month my father said 3% is not good and so he put money in FD where it gives 8% .... I said ok... BUt when I logged in 2 days back it gives shows a/c balance as 1000 Rs .... when I asked him he said he put it in different a/c and I can ask him whenever we need it.... I am so frustated....

    1. When it comes to finance why is he behaving like this??
    2. Or Is he doing all good and I am just exagerating??
    3. Am I getting paranoid for no reason??
    4. My FIL just do the same thing with my husbands money and so I hate him and go to my father now he is also same....
     
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  2. Priya16

    Priya16 IL Hall of Fame

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    Hello Renu,

    Sad to hear this from you.
    But first of all I don't understand one thing,since you are married,why are you not managing your finances by yourself.
    I heard your husband doing same thing.Why don't u both sit and talk about your finance and strat manging by yourself.
    You know everyone needs money and especially when parents see money like this(u know in there generation it's very hard to earn money and with today's software jobs you can see more money than father's generation).So typically each parent think like why don't I deserve this money becaue they r the one who give birth and raised us.So whatever happened happened.From now on manage your money yourself.
    I would suggest have a direct talk your father.Ask him what his expecation on the money u have given.Negotiate like 50:50 and think that u gave to your parents in good faith.But from now on do your own finances then have good bonding with your husband.
    I know lot of parents of boy and girl expect money from there children.If girl didn't earn then they are fine and have good prayers towards the kid.But if the girl earns and if she is in position to give them then some parents just expect it.
    1. When it comes to finance why is he behaving like this??
    It's money and everyone needs it.Parents think they can expect something fromt there children.I don't see anything wrong there.But your father should have done like giving good advise for you and should invest for you and if at all he needs money,he can keep some money for himself.That's what my father does.He buy property for us and help us all the ways but we also support him for his monthy expensives.But we keep money ourself,we just send only whenever we buy something.So be careful now on.

    Everyone should be careful with money matters to have healthy relaion with any one.

    2. Or Is he doing all good and I am just exagerating??
    No you are not.
    3. Am I getting paranoid for no reason??
    NO.
    4. My FIL just do the same thing with my husbands money and so I hate him and go to my father now he is also same....
    I just both of you should manage your finance yourself.Because you are begining of your life.You have lot of things to do in life and evey event needs money.So save it before it vanish.


    Take care
     
    Last edited: Mar 25, 2009
    sindmani likes this.
  3. goodfreind

    goodfreind Senior IL'ite

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    HI
    How long you are here ..

    cant you open NRI account and cant you open account in your name an dput money and you can transfered onlin eto ur parents if they need it

    MY kind suggestion

    If you do not keep money your self... you will be in big problem.. big mess.It is my exp. So please as a freind am saying...please open account and save money

    We cannot gurantee anyone in money matter

    Do you have kids...what you will do if you wnat money in urgent

    Do not worry ..juts handle this one in cool
     
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  4. sonusun

    sonusun New IL'ite

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    No you are not hallucinating. Problem is geniune. My question why r u & ur dh not managing ur finances.
    I had this kind of major finance issue with my dad too. it started before I got married. I gave his as much money he needed & never asked what did he need it for.I got married 9 years ago. right around I got married my parents felt they were losing control over me(whatever it means) I still love them same.
    But bottom line I cut my dad out completely of my accounts since it was causing heartache in my marraige.

    I wud advise you to take control of everything from now on..........no point in asking ur dad over whats already happened & involve ur dh in everything.

    TC
    Sonu
     
  5. Rihana

    Rihana Moderator Staff Member IL Hall of Fame

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    Happens in more families than you would imagine.

    If your father spent on your education, he did it because you were his child. If he expects you should pay it back, or if you feel like you should pay it back, or if he was in a financial position that meant he needed the money, you have already paid him back. 75% of salary for 3 years given unquestioned in a lot of money. That education loan/investment has been paid back, with interest, in my opinion.

    Once you are working and earning, you should manage your own finances. Just handing over money to someone, and expecting them to reward you for trusting them is being naive. Money is a very divisive issue in many families. Inviduals should handle their own money, and give part of it to family after a clear understanding of why they are giving, how much they are giving, and what is being done with the money.

    Post marriage, you and your husband should be handling your finances and investment by yourself. If you want to invest in India, you have to find a way of investing without needing the help of father/FIL or forego that investment method.

    Your problems are of you own making. Never too late to change. Take charge of your own finances. Manage them by youself (and your husband) for a while. Show husband how it is best for all. He also might come around and exclude his father's interference from your both's finances/investments.

    Helping parents financially should not mean they having control of your finances or investments.

    Rihana
     
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  6. vandannav

    vandannav Senior IL'ite

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    hi

    Did you give money to you father asking him to keep with
    him as your savings or was it just voluntery thing you did
    as you said you wanted to pay him back. right now i am little confused.what made you think you need to pay him back.

    you and your dh should have control on your finanaces.talk
    to your dad. make sure your the one controlling your money.
    be careful atleast now.

    vandannav
     
  7. Renu1999

    Renu1999 Bronze IL'ite

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    Thank you ladies for your valuable inputs.. I feel bit better today might sleep tonight I think.

    Inviduals should handle their own money, and give part of it to family after a clear understanding of why they are giving, how much they are giving, and what is being done with the money.


    I am just wondering... Is it a girl thing... I am asking it because I spoke to few of my friends here and they said their husbands send money to their parents on regular basis and they never cares/asks their parents what they did with that money.

    My husband gives his savings money to his parents never asks what they do... Even if they spends in an unwanted stuff he never feels bad. He strongly belives that its just their parents who are doing that.....When I told him yesterday about my issue he said you are feeling as If you lost money ,but your father just put it in his a/c for good interest.....
     
  8. mridusudha

    mridusudha Silver IL'ite

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    Whenever DH sends money to his parents he specifies why he is sending it...Like investing in our names, buying land or for in-laws personal purposes..That way both (Dh & in-laws) are very clear regarding the money being sent...

    And moreover you and your DH are wise enough (I think!!!) to handle your own finances...Today you have your parents and in-laws to take care..Tomorrow you might not have them so what will you do then???..So I think you both should act as mature individuals and take charge of your finances..
    Just my opinion!!
     

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