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Problem with my husband and his family

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by rina123_sahu, Oct 26, 2007.

  1. rekhad

    rekhad New IL'ite

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    Its not gonna change by you objecting him from sending money. You just have to ignore the reality to have peace of mind. If possible earn your own money to be at peace.
    Believe me dear, it will never change, howmuchever you try....
     
  2. rina123_sahu

    rina123_sahu New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    first of all thank you for your reply. I had posted this "thread" long day before. But now my life has been changed sligtly. I started a good life with my husband again. He is now listening me and taking me +vely. I have told him few bad situations which me and my kids had got in my MIL house. HE NOW STARTED BELIVING ME. He told me that he respects me a lot because of my good behaviour to others,He started discussing family matters with me and told me that he will stop sending then more money and he is doing as well.
    " Now He believes most of my words" I feel like i earned 1 crore dollars.Still i have few problems in my sasural.But now i just ignore it.When time will come i will tell my husband.

    thanks again for your support.
     
  3. rina123_sahu

    rina123_sahu New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    first of all thank you for your reply. I had posted this "thread" long day before. But now my life has been changed sligtly. I started a good life with my husband again. He is now listening me and taking me +vely. I have told him few bad situations which me and my kids had got in my MIL house. HE NOW STARTED BELIVING ME. He told me that he respects me a lot because of my good behaviour to others,He started discussing family matters with me and told me that he will stop sending then more money and he is doing as well.
    " Now He believes most of my words" I feel like i earned 1 crore dollars.Still i have few problems in my sasural.But now i just ignore it.When time will come i will tell my husband.

    thanks again for your support.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 10, 2008
  4. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Rina,

    Good to know that your situation is changing for the better. Be positive and see to it that you 2 and your kids are happy...don't let others spoil the harmony that you have created at home. For this you need to have patience and not over react to anything or anyone.

    All the best.
     
  5. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

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    Hi, Rina

    Its good to know that your situations changed and I am really feeling happy for you. I am too going through the same situation for the past 4 years, though married for 2 years now.(Mine is a love marriage and we knew each other before)Drowning

    Initially when I used to request my hubby to start saving for us, he used to agree to the fact but ever since we got married, my MIL and SIL washed his brain severely. They always think that my husband spends everything on me neglecting his responsibilties towards them. Hence, they started forcing him for more and more money....Within the last 4 years my husband has sent 4.5Lakhs INR just bank transfer , 25Lakhs for their home loan which we are paying every month (the flat is neither in my name nor in my husband's name),for my younger SIL's MBA and still my MIL is dissatisfied. I have a post on that ,"Overwhelming financial pressure....."

    So, please tell me what did you do to make your husband realize the fact over a year? I would definitely love to learn from you.

    All the best to you and may god bless you with lots of happiness!!!:2thumbsup:
     
  6. rina123_sahu

    rina123_sahu New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    Thank you for your good wishes. I am not a big adviser in this matter. Still let me tell you my story.

    My inlaws are so bad that they did not want me to have baby. They treat me and my kids very badly. But i never tell to my husband because i know that he will not believe me at all.

    My husband is really a good person. But he was driven wrongly by my sasural. He has nearly spent more than 25lakhs on his family.When we got married he did not have a single rupee in his pocket however he was on loan. Then I found that he is spending all of his money on his family. Then i informed this to one of his best friend. Then he understood me and discussed wiht my husband. After this my husband started sending less money than before and started investing on ourself. But whatever we send that's not a small amount. And i thought that it's not wise to say directly that stop sending money. And like this I passed couple of years.

    At the otherend my inlaws were always forcing him to send more and more money. But he was refusing them and sending certain amount of money every month and send few big amount in case of necessary. But he always blames me that i am not good lady. My parents are bad thats why I got this type of nature etc etc. It really hurts me. Then i stayed reserved nearly for 2years. I only do my duty. I do cooking takes care of my kids, thats it. AT that time i was really going through mental pressure. I was thinking to leave him to stay with my parents for couple of years. Then finally i told him that i will leave with my parents for few years and after that if i realised that it's worth to stay with you then i will come back otherwise not. It really put pressure on him. One day we had a big fight related to his family, then i told him i am going to tell your family that you keep your son, i am going back to parents. Then he told me what's your issue with my family. Then i told him most of the situations which i had with them. He believes most of my words and he supposed to call to his parents about his matter. But i stopped him. I told that they are elders. We always should respect them and love them. I want you only to believe me not to fight with ohters. I asked him why are you sening so much money to them which they really don't need. Then he told me that he will send money to his brother to buy a car as he has given him words. After that he will not send anymore. I said ok..He told me that i really respect you because you never disrespect my family members however they are bad to you.
    Now my situation is much more better.

    One funny thing i want to tell you that one day i just told something lie against his family and he totally belived me..I was happy that day.

    Main thing is i gave him too much love, too much hate,lots of pressure, applied few tricks and finally i won.

    i really want to cry after reading you story.do you have kids. howmany siblings your husband got and his family background? Actually different people need differnent medicine. And you should find out your tricks yourself. Just analise his nature and find out the methods.

    I know you will definightly win. Give lots of love and lots of hate when needed. I will keep contact with you.

    all the best

     
  7. N@!Sr!

    N@!Sr! Senior IL'ite

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    Hi Rina

    Thank you for taking out time to respond to my post.:bowdown
    The answer to your question if we have kids ,is NO. Till now we have not tried. It scares me coz I have to quit working for sometime if I have a kid. That will create havoc to us financially. I am also scared if we will be able to take care of our kid and his education and needs etc... coz I have seen the situation when I was jobless(for 6months when I came here) and my hubby was not able to help his family the way they want.(though we used to send for their monthly expenses) So, if we have a kid, the expenses will soar up. Inturn to that our problems would also soar up!!!!:shaking:

    My hubby is the only son. His father is a retired central govt employee hence gets good pension and 1st class A/C fare pass for railway travel across India.:queen
    I have 2 SIL's, one of them is elder to my husband and the other one younger. The elder one got married 10yrs ago and has no kids till now. She works as a school teacher(earns okay) and her husband is a Steel Plant employee, earning exceptionally well. They have a 1200sqft flat with all furnitures, car, 2 bikes and every household electronic gadgets that are in the market etc... I have mentioned things in an elaborate way, coz I wanted you to get an idea of their financial status....

    Younger SIL studied MBA with my hubby's money... Works in Reliance and got married this year to a software engineer who earns almost 2lakhs INR a month. They have a flat, a car and all household electronic gadgets etc....
    After reading all this do you feel they are anyway in a bad financial situation?:confused2:

    However, whenever my SIL's come to my In-laws house, my MIL starts crying that they don't have any money with them and she (my MIL) has to give them something atleast in their hand....Hence, my hubby also sends additional amount to my MIL apart from what he sends for their monthly expenses and for the loan amount.
    Also whenever,we have a trip scheduled just as now, the demand rises. Now its 30Gms gold jewellery, a digi cam for my MIL,then another cam for my younger SIL and her husband. This is demanded till now and then we will carry chocolates,dry fruits, cash and when we reach there we have to gift them sarees and shirt/trousers etc to everyone (each item should not be less than 2.5K INR). bonk
    Yesterday my FIL ordered something over the phone to his son which I did not ask him. Everytime I ask him he starts a huge fight with me.:idontgetit: Also when we reach there, his mom will start nagging sitting beside her son that she is pennyless since my FIL does not lend her any money. So, my hubby would give her 5-6K as her pocket money. Practically when we return we dont even have Rs.500 with us to pay for the taxi fare till the airport. All our bank accounts gets completely empty.....His sisters need pocket money... his mom needs and then gifting my MIL's side relatives is another add-on!!!!!!bonk

    Now imagine!!!! No amount of discussion or talking practically works for me. Over the past 2 years and even before that, I always discussed with my hubby how to save money... :cry:The fact was I used to save from my sal for our future but never did he. He could not save because of his family.....
    I am somewhat getting paranoid about all these things and really hunting for some methods to make my hubby realize that I am his first priority and responsibility. We too have devastating fights if we start discussing about our financial status... U know.. because of running out of money, we never had a honeymoon till now. :cry:
    I dont know who to request here to talk to him. All are colleagues here and if my hubby comes to know that I have discussed his family matters with someone else, he will get furious at me. I did this once with one of his childhood friends and the outcome was severe. I don't know how to solve this issue??????????:-(
     
  8. roopadadia

    roopadadia Silver IL'ite

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    Hi N,

    i can very well understand your frustration.

    Maybe you can try adopting the policy of total silence...i.e talk and do things only as much as is needed to keep your relationship going...no nagging no arguements.

    If you are working, keep a separate salary account and from that do some wise investments in your name for your future...don't make the mistake of having anything in joint name. Atleast have good life and health policies. Also, see to it that your husband does not take your money to fulfil his family's whims n fancies. You atleast secure your future.

    TAke care.
     
  9. Newbee1

    Newbee1 Junior IL'ite

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    Hi,

    I know its a very old thread, but still couldnt stop sharing my story when I stumbled across this post.

    I am in similar situation. My husband has worked for over 7 years in US and has bought a huge expensive house for his parents in India. He is still paying EMI $3000 or more per month( this is my rough idea as he has not discussed this in detail with me yet)
    We have been married for 10 months and we have not yet discuss the financial budget as I feel it will send him a message that I am money minded and dont like his family.
    We stay here in a renal apartment that too is 1bed 1 bath while his family lives a luxurious lifestyle(3bhk flat, household help). Their expectations are very high like my husband should pay for their every trip to US,he should take care of maintainance of the house along with the EMIs,should buy many things for them( his younger brother keeps asking for iphone, branded shoes and whatnot). They can really afford these things but want my husband to pay for them. My husband is way too polite and sensitive to say No to them. He never buys anything for him, keeps wearing old stuff, we dont have good furniture at our place. I asked for TV after 4 months of our marriage(he didnt even have tv back then) he plainly refused to do so saying we cant afford to buy a TV.This makes me to resent them very much, how can they do such things with their own son? They know that financial conditions are not very good for us but wont stop leeching off my husband.
    One thing I also want to mention that we have bedroom problems as well,he has very low testesterone levels when I confronted him about it ,he said he has financial stress. Then I told him that buying a lavish house was a mistake because it is only affecting us. He didnt say anything that time but he started to avoid telling me about any finanacial matters as he thought I will not like it. It is true that I wont like it but it shouldnt be kept hidden from me just to avoid a fight. My husband is very defensive and doesnt listen to a word against him or his family. I now do not know how much sends back home, if has increased/decreased the amount after marriage, how much money goes into maintainance, his brother has sent a list of things to buy at thanksgiving sale which he has not shared with me.
    I cant talk directly with in laws because it will be useless. If they were clueless about difficulties we are facing here then it was worth discussing with them. But they know we live very basic life here and the financial stress also leads to troubles in bedroom as well but still wont take a step back.
    I cant talk to my husband also beacause I dont want him to think I am materallistic, he gets upset and doesnt talk to me at all. He doesnt even physical intimacy beacause of low testesterone levels. I do not understand how to deal with this. Please ladies , do reply to this post if you have any advice.

    PS: I am currenly not working, left a very good job to accompany him here, now I think that I should have stayed back home until he receives his i140 approval.
     
  10. September2015

    September2015 Bronze IL'ite

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    I'm married 5 years and things only began to change last year---yet they have not TRULY changed as I suffer still since my husband has the nerve to dislike what I have resorted to now. Every few months he has an explosion about it. I told him I have a limit to what I can take from him. But I give thanks to Christ for some progress. DO NOT TRY TO MAKE HIM SEPARATE FROM HIS FAMILY. As you said it will make him side with them even more! REMOVE YOURSELF ONLY. I removed myself and it caused problems from my husband but that is it, I stand firm. A man will get tired of fighting when he sees he cannot change your mind. His parents never talked directly to me but through their son.This is exactly what I told my husband and exactly why I will not return to India for the 3rd time. DO NOT GO BACK.: "Thinking to go India is a nightmare for me. I feel that when i go India my husband behaves me just like a stranger. He gives all of the importance to his family."
    My husband did the same, blaming my family but later it changed to "Everytime you go to your parents place you treat me good" LOL Men tend to project the harm caused by their own families on his wife's family.
    I'm thinking your children are school age? If so great, get busy with that. If not you have a right to bond with your child. If in-laws so successfully turn husbands against their wives---I wouldn't want my children to be around them alone so they can do the same to them? No thanks. That would be my own blood. Nothing in this life worth having comes easy, we have to fight for everything. Shame it has to be for a healthy marriage too...SMH
    A man knows the truth, will admit to his wife but never to his own family. In his eyes they can do no wrong willfully. Makes excuses for them all the time. I'm tired of it, I had to remove myself I'm sick of the passive-agressive games they play as well. I played long enough and it continues, enough is enough...
     

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