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problem with irritating in laws

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by saranis, May 7, 2013.

  1. saranis

    saranis New IL'ite

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    Hi,

    i have been a reader of indusladies since long and this sis the first time i am posting ym problem here. this is really driving me crazy. i want to know if i am over reacting or is it right on my part to feel like this.

    ours was a love marriage. there was stiff resistance from my parents but we finally won over them and married last may. even before marriage i k ew about MIL. she is a mentally retarded person. FIL used to treat her just like a servant maid to do all the household works. she was not invlolved any of the administrative or financial matters of the home.

    DH is the only son. He was brought up by his father teaching that his mom has done nothing for him and only dad brouight him up from childhood. so DH has very great attachment towards father and not much towards mother.

    MIL didn't like me getting married to her son. or to tell more explicitly, she didnt want her son to marry at all because of her possessi veness. butwe married. she will talk nicely to me but if i talk with her husband she will pick up fights for that. she was not treated nicely in her married life and so she was jealous of me being treated well both by my husband and FIL. this head ache was there for me for the past 1 year itself. but i didn't mind much as i was working and spent only less time with them.

    FIL was good till very recently. MIL had her uterus removal operation in feb after which her brother told her not to do any household work for 3 months. but FIL lied to us that doctor has said like that. he worked up a deal with son tht the vessels after dinner should be washed by us while he will take care of the other times. but FIL used to buy lunch from outside and eat on the banana leaf so nothing was there for him to wash. but DH had to wash everything after dinner. he doesn't let me do it also.

    i was unable to bear him doing this after working 15 hours in office. so i told my parents and they told that we can appoint a servant maid. when my parents came to our home they told his dad about this and there started the prob lem. i dont understand for what the hell he started fighting with my parents and insulted them. i couldn't bear it and spoke up for my parents. this became a big fight that day. all the fight happened when DHwas in office then continued lATE into the night.

    after this, FIL is finding faults with whatever i do. he is picking up fights for everfy small thing. he is also including my parents in this and talking ill of them. this is causing fights between me and DH. :rant

    2 weeks back, due to a mass layoff in my company, i lost my job also. FIL spoke that i was worth for nothing that's why they sent me off. :(

    about DH, he understands that what his dad does is wrong. but he is telling he won't leave him at any cost mainly because of the brainwashing during childhood days that his mom didn't do anything and dad was everything for him. he is asking me to stay calm. i dont know what to do.

    now we are TTC. my parents are asking me that they will want to come and see me often if i get pregnant. how will they come to this home thye are asking. they have also started that if they had seen a groom for me they would not have picked up an totally insane family like tthis.

    i am getting frustrated. that too now sitting at home full time without a job looking at the faces of an insane mother in law and a sadist father in law. please advice me on whhat i should do.
     
    Last edited: May 7, 2013
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  2. ShilpaMa

    ShilpaMa IL Hall of Fame

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    On what basis do you say that your MIL is mentally retarded.. is it a medical condition or a result of so many years of torture.

    For your TTC you need to be really careful in getting the genetic counselling done first to rule out any recurrence for the next generation... given that the family has been v v unsupportive of a person with medical problem.

    Your FIL is having his own frustrations and a bad tongue.. you can try a heart to heart talk with him, if at all it works... else once u get preggers u might need to switch home and ur H visit you regularly... cos each time ur parents visit you... they'll find something less and give their suggestion which won't be digested in the right spirit... he'll have to make arrangements for maids to take care of his parents and their tongue in case you don't wish to turn into a 24X7 servant.
     
  3. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    On what basis do you say that your MIL is mentally retarded.. is it a medical condition or a result of so many years of torture.

    shilpama, :rotfl :hide:
     
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  4. daffny

    daffny Silver IL'ite

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    as you were also working you should have arranged a maid to manage house works for few months at least. i think there is no lie in this "not to do any household work for 3 months after uterus removal operation ". any doctor will suggest this only. anyway cleaning vessels for one time was that difficult to you? who was doing other works at home?
     
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  5. saranis

    saranis New IL'ite

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    FIL is against keeping a house maid. we verified with the doctor and she has told that any work done by standing can be done but she should not bend. no other works at home. there was no cooking for 2 months. i used to sweep when i get time. the only issue was with wahing vessels.

    and MIL was not fully mentally ok even from childhood as per her family's statement. maybe could have been aggravated by FIL's torture.
     
  6. reshsabu

    reshsabu Gold IL'ite

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    What is your definition of a retard? If she was considered normal enough to get married, bear your DH , raise him and do household chores as usual she sounds more or less normal to me. May be she wasnt educated enough or FIL was too authoritative to involve her in financial matters. Also, all women who are not involved in financial matters at home are not retards.

    If you were expecting MIL to do the cleaning after surgery - that is insensitive. FIL or MIL need not make up lies or even give you an explaination on why MIL is not cleaning the vessels - she is recovering from a surgery .. period!!

    Also, if both DH and FIL are okay with the arrangement on who washes the vessels, let them be. It is between the dad and son. Why are you getting worked up. First of all, DH is a healthy adult, FIL is older and from what you have said, DH has lot of respect and gratitude for FIL for raising him. When DH is okay with the arrangement, why do you keep track of whether FIL eats food on banana leaf, whether FIL is lying about doctors advise etc.

    Relax OP !! Afterall, how many vessels can be there after a meal ? Is it really such a gruelling task? How much time and effort does it take ? 15 -20 minutes maximum? What is wrong if DH does it willingly? Moreover, he is doing it now because his mother is recovering from a surgery. WHat is wrong if men in the house divide up the work so that she can get some rest ? After all, it is his own mother !

    Also, it is funny that you feel a healthy young man wash couple of vessels "unbearable", but think an old woman, who is already a mental retard and recovering from a major surgery not doing it as making false excuses on the pretext of doctor advise :idontgetit:..

    OP, you are not going to like what I say, but I think you were terribly wrong in involving your parents in internal matters at in-laws house. Who cooks , cleans, whether to hire a maid etc should be the decision of those who live in the house. I would get irritated if an outsider comes and tells me to hire a maid in my house .

    Overall, I feel you are all pampering and caring about DH ( which is not a bad thing), but please dont overdo it and forget that he is an adult and can take decisions, speak for himself and judge right and wrong. If he is too tired to wash dishes, he is capable to speak up. Likewise, if he thinks hiring a maid will help, he can decide - he does not need your parents to decide that for him.

    Time to do some self introspection on "who is really being difficult".
     
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  7. saps105

    saps105 Gold IL'ite

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    I agree with reshsabu. It was wrong of you to involve your parents in your in laws household matters. Your FILs reaction is understood. Nobody will like it. You said you shared a good relation with your FIL until this problem. Your parents wouldn't come to know unless you told them. You could have very well avoided this friction in the family. Talk to your FIL and get the issue resolved.
     
  8. revathib

    revathib Bronze IL'ite

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    I will agree with saps... dont involve your parents directly and it will even more difficult to sort it out... so u can ask ideas if u feel but then also keep a distance between them, this will be better for u and for ur family... relax girl... u can sort it out by yourself... just be calm and think what can be done... dont get so emotional... u can do it

    revathi...
     
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  9. ppriya182010

    ppriya182010 Gold IL'ite

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    So you got married to your DH fully aware of your MIL's condition. Why to complain about it now? You DH being the only son, I dont see how you can move out from PILs. Like many friends said, involving parents directly in in-laws matter, a BIG NO NO. It only brings trouble.I dont understand how washing few vessels became such a big issue for you!

    All said and done. Can you forget all this and move on? Have a heart-to-heart talk with FIL and apologize for all the confusion and start afresh. Its tough to forget bad words, bad treatments. But seriously holding on to this, is not worth it. Everyone of us would have done this mistake or doing this mistake of holding on to grudges. Sometimes its just not worth losing our peace. And it gives you immense happiness for being the bigger person to forgive. Make peace with PILs. And go to Parents place once you get pregnant and be pampered. They will happily come, visit you.
     

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