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Problem with hubby's career.. advise needed please

Discussion in 'Married Life' started by Udasgirl, Oct 31, 2014.

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Nov 3, 2014 #31

Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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sripree said: ↑

Whoa! LADY! Stop! He's your husband. And this kind of judgmental attitude is not going to help the situation!!! I am shocked at your response with someone who just lost his job.

If you want to help - the only thing you can do is to be very supportive. That's the first thing a wife can do.

He'll get a new job as you've stated. So nothing to worry. The economic climate is such that lay-offs are so common these days.

First, you should make your home a safe place for everyone to be themselves - this includes, yourself, your husband and your child.

No one should be scared to talk about each others' real feelings because someone else is going to be afraid of the reaction they will receive. If you continue this behaviour, I promise you - your husband will stop sharing more about his problems with you.

Another thing - no one is perfect. Even inside an organisation - people are all not perfect. It's a matter of moving into a role where your skills are best suitable.

Almost always, we, as humans need help with this area --- and this is where you come in. You are the one person who knows what your husband's strengths and weaknesses are.

You have the power to motivate and steer your husband in the right direction. As a qualified wife, you should ideally, take on the position of your husband's professional mentor.

To do that - the first step is understanding.
As some in this forum already know - My husband quit his job now and is going back to school. Why? Because of my encouragement. Because I knew that he had so much more potential - but in a different area to what he is currently doing.

You have to be the pillar of strength that your husband needs right now. If you don't offer that supportive environment - he will probably get it from somewhere - friends, family - anyone willing to offer that support. And maybe - heaven forbid, a female co-worker - this is how affairs start. If support isn't available at home when desperately needed, it will be sought outside.

Please understand this and act constructively instead of criticizing him. See what is best for him and not that he has not performed well or anything. Maybe he is in a field he hates. I don't know. But there are so many things. Maybe he needs extra training on time-management. If you see this spilling over in other aspects of life, highlight and give positive, gentle measures to improve. He will be grateful and forever loyal to you.

Think of it this way - if your son doesn't do well in school, what will you do? Will you scold him to do well or will you see what his problem areas are and spend more time trying to improve those areas. This is the same. Spend more time gently assessing and understand him first. Once you've discussed and agreed on areas that need improvement (with a LOT OF LOVE, in the conversations - not in a judgemental way) - go ahead and very gently help him get better.

The key is gentleness and understand. Your husband should have full confidence in you that you are his well-wisher and will support him through thick and thin - and really trust in his abilities - whoever else doubts him.
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Thanks so much for your long reply... It is encouraging and I will try my best... rather I am trying my best to support him..

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

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Nov 3, 2014 #32

Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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yellowmango said: ↑

Op...how would you feel if you were in his place and he felt this way about you?When you are married and love your spouse....you stand by them no matter what.Your husband is getting into good jobs and has good qualifications....but even if it was a case that he wasn't really the success one hoped for ...or was a' loser '....even then he is your man.A husband in a good marriage is the same as your children are to you.....you support them all...no matter what.

You are lucky that you are not solely dependent on him.You can support him without worrying about your basic running of the household. Stand by him in this hr....even if you feel this is not the last time you will have to do that. You try to improve your performance at work....

There is a lot more to look forward in a marriage if basic needs are being met. Try to find happiness in your life with him .....whether he is in a job or not. When he does get one ...that will just add on to your happiness.
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Thanks for your encouraging words

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

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Nov 3, 2014 #33

Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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smileyrose said: ↑

You feeling concern is okay but thinking that your hubby is looser etc and trying to judge him is very bad.
Whats your qualification lady. ??? why dont you do job and support him.
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I think I used the wrong word looser.. my mistake... BTW I am professionally qualified (CA) and I am doing job as well

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

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Nov 3, 2014 #34

Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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Rihana said: ↑

You had some thoughts about "is he really capable and good at work" and it lead to him showing you the performance appraisal for last year?

Was this after his latest job loss?

Don't kick a man when he is down.
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No I did not say anything about his performance after he looses his latest job last week... He showed me his appraisal report last year casually... So if you are thinking that after he lost his job last week I questioned his performance which made him show me his performance card - That is not correct...

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

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Nov 3, 2014 #35

Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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Ragini25 said: ↑

If you think about it - if a woman kicks a man when he is down, judges him and asks him to prove his "capability" where he has to show his performance appraisal to his wife, such a wife can be called a 'Loser' even though it sounds harsh.

If you have a son - imagine if your daughter-in-law asks him to prove himself or nags him when he is down, imagine how you would feel if it was your son
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Thanks for telling me to think about it from my son and DIL perspective......

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

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Nov 3, 2014 #36

Udasgirl Bronze IL'ite

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Thanks so much Indusladies for taking time to reply to my post...
Yes I did say some wrong things like doubting my husband as looser etc... But I have not said that to him... would never do that....So please don't take me as bad person..
I had little episode of udasi and sadness on evening when he lost his job last week and had some argument but since then its going ok (I have also hugged him and given him encouragement)... I love my husband and it hurts when he fails to get what he wanted/ losses what he has.... but it hurts more because it happens consistently.... 7 years of marriage and no stability as yet that's why I got upset and started thinking that would I get it ever ? Did I make wrong decision by choosing this guy ? Is he really capable ? How does he always get laid off for some or other reason ? Please note that I have not said any of it to my hubby... But thought I can say this here... I know thinking this way is not correct and that's why seeking some support and positive thoughts from you ladies...I am not a bad person just caught in bad situation...

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

Udasgirl, Nov 3, 2014

#36

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Nov 3, 2014 #37

KashmirFlower IL Hall of Fame

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His problem or rather most of the indians face this problem, that other white ppl always gets priority over brown skin... and unfortunately with my husband he [COLOR=#009900 !important]start[/COLOR]up with good people in his office but eventually some changes happen in team and he faces different/difficult to deal with boss... His does not get appreciation even after showing [COLOR=#009900 !important]good skills[/COLOR] whereas his peers would get it in spite of being not so good...

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If this was the situation in office, then any way your husband has to change his workplace, as it is not good to for him to be with difficult boss/ colleagues. Think that good happened and move on..All the best.

KashmirFlower, Nov 3, 2014

KashmirFlower, Nov 3, 2014

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Nov 3, 2014 #38

yellowmango IL Hall of Fame

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Udasgirl said: ↑

Thanks so much Indusladies for taking time to reply to my post...
Yes I did say some wrong things like doubting my husband as looser etc... But I have not said that to him... would never do that....So please don't take me as bad person..
I had little episode of udasi and sadness on evening when he lost his job last week and had some argument but since then its going ok (I have also hugged him and given him encouragement)... I love my husband and it hurts when he fails to get what he wanted/ losses what he has.... but it hurts more because it happens consistently.... 7 years of marriage and no stability as yet that's why I got upset and started thinking that would I get it ever ? Did I make wrong decision by choosing this guy ? Is he really capable ? How does he always get laid off for some or other reason ? Please note that I have not said any of it to my hubby... But thought I can say this here... I know thinking this way is not correct and that's why seeking some support and positive thoughts from you ladies...I am not a bad person just caught in bad situation...
Click to expand...

hugsmileyHugs Op...hope things get better.Best wishes to both of you .

yellowmango, Nov 3, 2014

yellowmango, Nov 3, 2014

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Nov 3, 2014 #39

HasteRaho Platinum IL'ite

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Hey Udasgirl —

A lot of the posters have already mentioned great points about how important your role is when your DH is going through a tough patch in his career that's probably depressing and making him second-guess himself, too.

Just FYI, I had made a long post regarding layoffs recently in another thread. I realize you're not in the US, and I'm not sure what the unemployment support is like in Austria, but maybe there's something listed in there that may help:

http://www.indusladies.com/forums/general-discussions/262804-lay-off.html#post3417904

Best of luck to you and your DH!

HasteRaho, Nov 3, 2014

HasteRaho, Nov 3, 2014

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Nov 3, 2014 #40

indubalram IL Hall of Fame

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Dear Op,
You should be of supportive to him at this critical juncture. Yes I know you must be feeling very bad. What I feel is your husband does not like to compromise at the work place. I'm sure he will get another good job soon. Nothing to worry. Third person prayers always works. So I would suggest that you as a wife pray and say Aditya Hridayam stotram. It should work. All the best

indubalram, Nov 3, 2014

indubalram, Nov 3, 2014

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