Problem with co-sis behaviour

Hi Friends,

I am here to share with you a problem which I am having with my co-sis. I do not have much problem with my ILs except for some minor nok jhoks and everything was fine before my BIL got married a yr back. BIL and me talk like friends. I do not have a sister and when my BIL was getting married I was so happy that I will get a sister. They had a gap of 10 months between engagement and marriage and during those times I used to call my co-sis and we used to talk. I came to know certain differences between us like she does a lot of buttering whereas I am a straight forward person. I do not show love to anyone if I do not feel love inside for that person. But she can butter a person and talk sweetly with them and also tell their faults when they are away. This is a thing which I just do not like. Again if I call her 2-3 times, she calls once but she will be full of buttering then. Normally I do not mingle with such ppl but I let go of it thinking after all we have to see each other the whole life and each person has some or the other negative qualities.

After marriage she and BIL live with ILs whereas me and my husband live in a different city. They came to visit us once and she was in a hurry to leave. They came for a week and I was so happy that we four alongwith my DD can go out and enjoy but they left in 2 days. She said BIL wants to leave but I know its she who forced him (BIL told this to me when she was not there). I still do not know why she went. Again whenever we go to ILs place everyone except her will be happy that we are there and all of us can go for an outing. I don’t know why she dislikes us coming.. is it because everyone is happy seeing us.. this attitude of her has lead to a lot of fights between my BIL and her. I did not know of it until MIL told about it to me. She is not a kind of person who says the faults of one DIL to another but I think she was fed up. Whenever I am away she will call me and start crying and will always be complaining abt BIL saying he does not care for her and all. She is pampered a lot at her home. Her mother pampers her even in front of us as if she were a 2yr old kid. I feel so embarrassed seeing that. She expects the same pampering from ILs and BIL and BIL is a totally opposite character.. he too is very straight forward and speaks openly what is in his mind but co-sis does not speak openly. She keeps everything in mind for long till it becomes like a volcano and errupts one day making all our lives miserable. I have advised her many times to speak openly what is in her mind but she cannot change.

We went to ILs place when my DD was 1.5yrs old. Co-sis was pregnant then (3months). BIL brought a new car and he suggested that we go for a small outing as we do not get much leaves to visit ILs place frequently. Everyone readily agreed but my co-sis however did not like it and she said I won’t get any leaves as I have already taken leaves so i can’t come. Off course we had to cancel the plan. The next day I got up and saw that my co-sis have not yet got up. MIL said she is having back pain so she wants to go to a doctor so she took leave. Even we were planning to go to the same hospital to get my DDs ears pierced. So we thought we all will go together. DH had gone to station to take tatkal tickets so BIL said we will get ready and once DH is back we all can go together. To this she became angry and went to her room. After sometime BIL went to room and came out shouting. When asked by ILs he said I dont know what is her problem, she is always unhappy whatever I do for her. She did not want to wait for 30mins for my DH to come back and was saying you don’t care for me and don’t know what all.. there was a big scene then.. ILs did not scold her but FIL just told her that if she has any problem then she needs to speak out and we can understand rather than keeping it in mind.. even if she would have told anyone of us that I want to go first as I am not well then we would agree.. she was crying.. when I went to her to pacify her she told me I am going to my house and will come only after few days (we were leaving in a day). Finally after lot of drama we went to hospital together. Doctor said it is normal to have slight back pain in pregnancy as she was travelling and there is nothing to worry (both me and my MIL had told her this but she was treating us as her enemy then). Next day there was yet another drama.. BIl said she is sad even now because FIL had told her to speak out what’s in her mind which means he thought she is at fault. FIL got angry and said I will never ever interfere in any of your matters from now on. Both FIL and co-sis did not speak to each other for 2 months and finally when MIL told this to me I called her and somehow made her understand.. finally she went and spoke to him and everything was solved.. She even had some problems with BIL and MIL and each time she used to call me and somehow I solved the issue. All this while my DH was telling me to be careful when you talk to her.. but a fool I was. Many a times she has spoken to me also rudely and I felt bad.. but after few hrs I used to talk to her thinking after all she is my family and if we both have problems then it might lead to problems between the brothers.

After my co-sis delivered, I was the one who used to prepare food for 4-5 ppl in hospital alone with a 2yr old kid around and also food for people at home (my MIL and her mother were in hospital and my co-sis's family are not in good terms with most of their relatives). We were there for 3 weeks at ILs place then. After she reached her home from hospital, my BIL used to go to her place daily and sleep there, then come home take breakfast and go to office, come back from office and again go to her place. In our place guys do not sleep in their ILs place when the wife has just delivered.. at least not till 3 months after delivery.. but we did not say anything to them. Later people started enquiring about him and gossips started in ILs relatives that he is sleeping there and all.. When we visited co-sis's place she was talking to me (as usual buttering tone) and being a fool somehow I told her this. We went back then. After going back I called her 4-5 times but she did not call me back. But whenever I called she would be speaking in a friendly tone and so I did not bother thinking its her nature not to call back. One day MIL called me and asked is everything ok between me and co-sis. I was like yes y what hapenned? She said donno what she said to BIL, he came angry and said he will never ever go to her house again. When MIL called my co-sis she said ppl are saying things abt him sleeping there and put entire blame on me as if I am the person spreading this. I immediately called co-sis and she was talking normal as if nothing happened. She did not know that MIL told me everything and even I did not tell her but I was really hurt. My ILs know me well so they did not blame me even once. We went to ILs place in a month. BIL came to receive us at station and he did not even look at my face.. did not speak to me for 2 days. I felt really bad as because in 3yrs of my marriage this is the first time er mother were having an angry face and they did not speak to any of us. MIL and FIL inquired about her health and it was just replies. I thought enough is enough even I wont speak to her anymore. I have always respected my elders. I dont expect her to forcefully respect me.. do it only if she feels. But I wont allow her to insult me anymore. Just because she was part of my family I was quiet and tolerated all insults till now. Had it been anyone else I would have long back broken all ties with them. We came home. I did not call her (whenever we are in ILs place she expects me to inquire abt her and baby usingmy roaming phone but she wont call even once and that is perfectly ok. 2 weeks I am in ILs place.. she never called. My ILs are very matured, they never asked me anything. But she and her mother call FIL or MIL almost regularly saying I am not calling her and blahblahblah.. they want ILs to force me to call them but I know they wont and this time I am adamant that I wont call her unless she calls me.. Instead of complaining to ILs she can at least call me once.. but her ego wont allow that.. every time its me who calls her but this cant go on forever.. I have never told anything bad abt my co-sis to my ILs but I get worried will finally my ILs ask me to speak to her once and solve it as she is immature.. She always had problems with everyone and I was the one who solved it.. I wont be able to say no to them but this time I dont want to give up. And even if she calls I will see to it that I always have a formal talk with her without giving much details (she is always calling to gossip abt someone or the opther).
Friends what are your opinions.. sorry for the long post but I had to pour out my feelings somewhere.. I am at my ILs place, we are constructing a house, I have a 2yr kid to look after and I am also working from home in night shift. On top of this co-sis and her mother torture. They are trying to portray that I am the one behind fights between her and BIL and also between me and her. I just want to stay away from all this but feel bad for poor BIL.. He has a good character but I know even he will change in future due to constant brainwashing from his wife and MIL. And then I dont think the two brothers will be close to each other as they are till now. I feel sad thinking that just because of my co-sis's attitude the peace of my family is gone. I tried a lot helping her be part of the family but she is more interested in having a separate family with herself and BIL.. and even if she gets separated from ILs, still she will have problems with BIL. Always a complaint box.. Friends please help with your suggestions..

Love,
AmritaPoorni

 

Hi Metamorphic,

I have never interfered between my BIL and co-sis, its she who always includes me in their fights. I stay in a different city and have no idea if they are fighting or talking to each other and I am the least interested in it as I have enough work at my home. But its my co-sis who calls me for each and every small issue she is having be it with ILs or BILs. She asks for my suggestions. She fights with someone and does not talk to them and then wants me to help her solve the issue especially when she has fights with BIL. And if I do not interfere in it then she will keep on calling me (or rather missed call) and will always have just this topic to discuss. Hope you got it now.

 

Hi Mithu,

Thank you for the advice. Even I am thinking about the same to keep a distance from her.

Love,
AmritaPoorni

 

Hi Ann,

Thank you for your advice. yes even I think now that it was a mistake on my part to mention what others are saying.. but it just came out during the conversation,, she was talking about the same people and asking me suggestions when this came out from me.

Yes as you said, even I hope that this issue gets resolved when we meet in person which will happen in a few months from now. And in a way this was a good lesson for me and I will have to find ways to avoid getting into her matters in future when she tries to drag me into it.

Love,
AmritaPoorni