Problem with BIL and Devrani

Hi friends,

I am married for almost 9 yrs. Have a 7 yrs old daughter. We relocated to Dubai 4 months ago. Before that, I was in Mumbai. I am an IT professional and have been a working woman all these years. After relocating to Dubai with my husband, I had to set up home and was also waiting for a good job. So there was a break in work. I am soon going to join a company in next 15 days.

My husband has a younger brother who's married for 4 yrs. He is doing his Ph.D. in India and his wife was doing PG in Engg. They both decided to continue their studies even after their son was born. Till now they had almost no income of their own. My FIL kept supporting them financially, taking care of almost all their expenses. Recently my devrani has joined a college as a lecturer. My husband has a transferable job. In 2004, he got a transfer to Hyderabad (from Mumbai) for 1 year and I got a good opportunity in Pune (near Mumbai). So I decided to take it up because we already had our own house there. Also I thought it would be good for my daughter's education. But since my husband was not with me and since I have no parents, I requested my MIL to come and stay with me. In fact, I had also requested my FIL also to come but he did not come due to BIL's expenses. My BIL does not directly ask for money. My FIL has to stay with them, babysit their son for whole day when they both are away, buy everything in the house, and also pay for their college fees.

My MIL came to stay with me. She happily stayed with us until we relocated to Dubai. When my husband returned to Mumbai after 1 year, I still continued to work in Pune as it was a very good job, and my daughter was in KG. I thought that she should complete her KG and then we should relocate to Mumbai. Mumbai-Pune is 3and 1/2 hrs travel. So my husband used to visit us every weekend. That time also my BIL wanted me to stay alone and used to always ask me to send his mother back to their place. Even my devrani's mom called me up and said why you can't stay alone with your daughter? Why do you need your MIL? etc. I did not say anything. Now when my husband first came to Dubai, my BIL accused me of lot of things. He said that his father suffered because of me. He could not digest the fact that my MIL lived happily with me for 4 years. She keeps praising me a lot. BIL said that you people don't call us, don't talk to us (which is not true), you are very career-oriented, career is not everything, you are very narrow-minded etc. He accused me for not attending his son's ceremonies like naming ceremony, hair-cutting ceremony etc. In fact, he also has not attended any of my daughter's ceremonies, and I had certain genuine problems due to which I could not attend it. He kept accusing me non-stop for 1 hour. I felt very upset and did not talk to him until I relocated. After coming here, I thought it is better to forgive and forget. So I sent him a Rakhi as I used to send every year. He replied in a mail saying that he would talk to me only if I read a so-and-so book. I find it very weird. My devrani still says that I don't call them quite often. Truth is that we call them double the times they call us. 3 days ago, I informed my MIL and FIL about my new job and they were happy. But yesterday when I called up, my devrani said why I did not tell her so. In fact, when my MIL told us about her job, we did not wait to congratulate her. We immediately called her. But they are waiting for us to inform them separately even though they all are living in the same house. They both also keep telling my FIL how much he had to suffer because MIL was not there...all this is my fault etc. My devrani's parents also keep complaining to them that though their daughter was newly married, she had to bear all household responsibilities along with her studies..just because her MIL was not there etc. Due to such constant fuelling, my FIL also had a misunderstanding with me...which I could fortunately resolve.

I really wonder what could be their motive behind such behaviour. Earlier I used to think that bcoz my MIL is with me, they are having difficulties in small-small things at home. But now that I am far away from them, why do they keep arguing about silly things like who calls first, how many times etc. I often ignore this, but I really want to know why they are deliberately doing so. :idontgetit: I expect ILites to contribute with their wisdom.

Thanks and sorry for the lengthy post,
Aasa

 

Request all ILites to kindly take a look at my problem in their free time.
Eagerly waiting for your suggestions.

:thankyou2:
Warm Regards,
Aasa

 

Hi Rajmiarun,

Thanks for your nice and thoughtful reply. Even though my BIL and devrani have started earning now, my FIL manages all household expenses for them. I have no problem about that, but I am always worried about the future of my in-laws (FIL and MIL) and want them to save their own money for their needs in future like medical expenses. I don't want my FIL to blow the money away for my BIL's family and save nothing for himself. We all know how costly medical expenses have become these days and my FIL and MIL don't have any mediclaim policies. I am not sure whether my BIL will be ready to share their expenses in future, if required, as he does not mind taking money from his old father even after starting his own family. He could have started working after completing his M.E. instead of pursuing a full-time Ph.D. without earning any money. Lot of people do part-time Ph.D. while working. Is doing a full-time Ph.D. justified when you cannot support your own family? Moreover, I felt hurt because my husband did not want to say anything to his brother when he came to know how he blamed me for everything. Anyway, life has to move on. I know that there are many friends in IL who have far more serious problems. We can only pray to God for everyone. Thanks again for your support! :-D

Love,
Aasa

 

Hi Friends,

Thank you so much for thinking about my problem, though it was posted quite some time back. Now I am settled in my job and enjoying it, and stopped thinking about the behaviour of BIL and co-sis. Occasionally, we speak formally, but it is no more than that. My BIL and co-sis make a point not to call us, it's only us who have been calling them & in-laws, since last 3-4 months. I feel it's best to ignore them as they are far away from us.

Malyatha,
I just want to make it clear that I absolutely have nothing to do with what my BIL or co-sis do with their lives, provided they do it with their own money. I don't care if they study or not. My only conern is that my BIL is not ashamed of spending his old father's money. In fact, we should financially help our parents in their old age, and not take away their savings. It's not the same as a DIL giving money to her parents. We must respect our elders and help them in their old age. Everyone has right to help old parents with self-earned money. Parents give us good education to help us settle in our career. It's highly unethical and irresponsible to expect our parents to pay for our studies after we start our family and have a kid. I wonder why my BIL did not think before leaving his job and doing a full-time Ph.D, when he very well knew that he won't be able to support them. It's not just the financial help, but the overall attitude of my BIL that used to make me upset. Imagine my old FIL babysitting their little son like a maid. We all know how much we need to run after kids. If my FIL had enough money, would he not arrange for a maid instead?

I had to request my MIL to stay with me because my husband was not staying with me, and I had to alone manage my job and kid. Initially, I tried to manage on my own for a few days, but found that I was not able to cope with it, and fell sick quite often. My job demanded 10-12 hours a day, plus sending my daughter to school, her homework, cooking etc. - if I had tried to continue in this manner, I would have been jobless in a short time. That's when I requested my MIL to stay with me. And moreover, she also stayed happily with me. She also knew that if she stayed with my BIL, she would have to do most of the household work. At least with me, she was treated like a MIL and a grandmother. In fact, right from the beginning, she did not like my BIL's idea of doing a full-time Ph.D. Many people do it while working as lecturers.

Considering my BIL's mentality, it seems highly impossible to me that he would take any responsibility of his parents when they'll really need his help. My co-sister's parents and other relatives also come up with new ideas of spending my FIL's money. Recently, just after I left India, her younger brother stayed in their house for a few months to do some computer course. My co-sis comes from a big joint family, and has a lot of uncles, aunties and cousins. Every other day, someone or the other from her family keeps visiting my in-laws, and my MIL has to cook for them. In fact, my sis-in-law (my husband's sister - she's younger than my husband, and older than BIL - she's married and settled in her family - a very good-natured girl, never bad-mouthes anyone and never bothers her parents or brothers) told me recently that she does not feel like going to BIL's house, because there's always someone or the other from my co-sister's family, and so she feels like an outsider in their place. She makes a point to call her parents to her place, and never visits them.

My MIL keeps telling me how much she misses me and my daughter. I and my husband know very well that we will have to take care of my in-laws when they'll really need us. I have started saving extra money for this purpose. Now my BIL is planning to sell my in-laws' old house and a few other plots and buy a new flat for him. But we both have stopped thinking and worrying about my BIL and devrani. We feel that it's best to act/save money than keep worrying or fighting.

Please note that it's WRONG to expect money or help in household chores from old parents. But it's not wrong to expect mental/emotional support from them. In fact, any parent would be more than glad to give mental support to well-behaving and responsible children.

Friends, thanks again for your advise and concern. I am following many of these tips and have changed my thinking to overcome this problem, because my BIL and Devrani are beyond repairs! :bang

Love you all,
Aasa :wave