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Problem with BIL and Devrani

Discussion in 'Relationship With In-Laws' started by aasawaree_b, Sep 6, 2007.

  1. aasawaree_b

    aasawaree_b New IL'ite

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    Hi friends,

    I am married for almost 9 yrs. Have a 7 yrs old daughter. We relocated to Dubai 4 months ago. Before that, I was in Mumbai. I am an IT professional and have been a working woman all these years. After relocating to Dubai with my husband, I had to set up home and was also waiting for a good job. So there was a break in work. I am soon going to join a company in next 15 days.

    My husband has a younger brother who's married for 4 yrs. He is doing his Ph.D. in India and his wife was doing PG in Engg. They both decided to continue their studies even after their son was born. Till now they had almost no income of their own. My FIL kept supporting them financially, taking care of almost all their expenses. Recently my devrani has joined a college as a lecturer. My husband has a transferable job. In 2004, he got a transfer to Hyderabad (from Mumbai) for 1 year and I got a good opportunity in Pune (near Mumbai). So I decided to take it up because we already had our own house there. Also I thought it would be good for my daughter's education. But since my husband was not with me and since I have no parents, I requested my MIL to come and stay with me. In fact, I had also requested my FIL also to come but he did not come due to BIL's expenses. My BIL does not directly ask for money. My FIL has to stay with them, babysit their son for whole day when they both are away, buy everything in the house, and also pay for their college fees.

    My MIL came to stay with me. She happily stayed with us until we relocated to Dubai. When my husband returned to Mumbai after 1 year, I still continued to work in Pune as it was a very good job, and my daughter was in KG. I thought that she should complete her KG and then we should relocate to Mumbai. Mumbai-Pune is 3and 1/2 hrs travel. So my husband used to visit us every weekend. That time also my BIL wanted me to stay alone and used to always ask me to send his mother back to their place. Even my devrani's mom called me up and said why you can't stay alone with your daughter? Why do you need your MIL? etc. I did not say anything. Now when my husband first came to Dubai, my BIL accused me of lot of things. He said that his father suffered because of me. He could not digest the fact that my MIL lived happily with me for 4 years. She keeps praising me a lot. BIL said that you people don't call us, don't talk to us (which is not true), you are very career-oriented, career is not everything, you are very narrow-minded etc. He accused me for not attending his son's ceremonies like naming ceremony, hair-cutting ceremony etc. In fact, he also has not attended any of my daughter's ceremonies, and I had certain genuine problems due to which I could not attend it. He kept accusing me non-stop for 1 hour. I felt very upset and did not talk to him until I relocated. After coming here, I thought it is better to forgive and forget. So I sent him a Rakhi as I used to send every year. He replied in a mail saying that he would talk to me only if I read a so-and-so book. I find it very weird. My devrani still says that I don't call them quite often. Truth is that we call them double the times they call us. 3 days ago, I informed my MIL and FIL about my new job and they were happy. But yesterday when I called up, my devrani said why I did not tell her so. In fact, when my MIL told us about her job, we did not wait to congratulate her. We immediately called her. But they are waiting for us to inform them separately even though they all are living in the same house. They both also keep telling my FIL how much he had to suffer because MIL was not there...all this is my fault etc. My devrani's parents also keep complaining to them that though their daughter was newly married, she had to bear all household responsibilities along with her studies..just because her MIL was not there etc. Due to such constant fuelling, my FIL also had a misunderstanding with me...which I could fortunately resolve.

    I really wonder what could be their motive behind such behaviour. Earlier I used to think that bcoz my MIL is with me, they are having difficulties in small-small things at home. But now that I am far away from them, why do they keep arguing about silly things like who calls first, how many times etc. I often ignore this, but I really want to know why they are deliberately doing so. :idontgetit: I expect ILites to contribute with their wisdom.

    Thanks and sorry for the lengthy post,
    Aasa
     
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  2. aasawaree_b

    aasawaree_b New IL'ite

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    Request all ILites to kindly take a look at my problem in their free time.
    Eagerly waiting for your suggestions.

    :thankyou2:
    Warm Regards,
    Aasa
     
  3. rajmiarun

    rajmiarun Gold IL'ite

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    Hi Aasa,

    You are not the only one facing such a fate but there are so many around. I think they cannot digest the fact that you have become your MIL's darling, simple jelaousy.

    Also though they have started earning now, they might still want your FIL to support them financially. They are afraid that you being the eldest can change their mind. Avoid all your BIL's accusations. Discuss this situation with your husband and if he is happy about yours and your MIL's relationship then there is no problem.

    Dont worry everything will become good.
     
  4. aasawaree_b

    aasawaree_b New IL'ite

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    Hi Rajmiarun,

    Thanks for your nice and thoughtful reply. Even though my BIL and devrani have started earning now, my FIL manages all household expenses for them. I have no problem about that, but I am always worried about the future of my in-laws (FIL and MIL) and want them to save their own money for their needs in future like medical expenses. I don't want my FIL to blow the money away for my BIL's family and save nothing for himself. We all know how costly medical expenses have become these days and my FIL and MIL don't have any mediclaim policies. I am not sure whether my BIL will be ready to share their expenses in future, if required, as he does not mind taking money from his old father even after starting his own family. He could have started working after completing his M.E. instead of pursuing a full-time Ph.D. without earning any money. Lot of people do part-time Ph.D. while working. Is doing a full-time Ph.D. justified when you cannot support your own family? Moreover, I felt hurt because my husband did not want to say anything to his brother when he came to know how he blamed me for everything. Anyway, life has to move on. I know that there are many friends in IL who have far more serious problems. We can only pray to God for everyone. Thanks again for your support! :-D

    Love,
    Aasa
     
  5. uns

    uns New IL'ite

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    Hi Aasa,

    Very few husbands support their wives against the acusations from their siblings. Even if they know their wife is right and his family is wrong, they turn a deaf ear.

    Why don't you invite your in-laws to come & stay with you for a few days. Till they are with you maybe your FIL wont have to pay for the household expenses of your BIL. Only dont make it evident that you are thinking on these lines.
     
  6. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    I don't think either side is blameless here.

    Your BIL's and Co-sister's decisions to study / work etc is none of your business. Neither should it be your concern if your FIL financially supports them - it's HIS money and he can spend it on whoever he likes. I don't understand the comment "Being the elder one, you can change his mind!" Sorry, but being the older son & DIL doesn't mean that you have any extra power or say. I get that a lot, too "Older son & older DIL..." BALDERDASH. Younger sons and younger DILs are also their parents/inlaws' family members.

    Now, for them. Your cosister's parents shouldn't be talking to you - hang up on them if they call you again. Their complaint was that since your MIL was living with you, their precious girl had to do the household work, meaning that they think of MIL as an unpaid maid servant. They sound like real peices of work!

    Also, if BIL complains about you not calling them or vvisiting them or attending their functions, remind him that these visits and calls go both ways. It's not a one-way traffic.

    All in all, both brothers and cosisters should not interfere or comment about how the other is leading his/her/their life. It seems as if you don't want your FIL financially supporting them with his own money and they don't want your MIL helping you and being a mental support when your husband is living elsewhere.
     
  7. SoaringSpirit

    SoaringSpirit Silver IL'ite

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    Hi Aasa,

    If it is any consolation then let me tell you that the issue you are experiencing with your bil and his wife is very common. My guess is that they are firstly jealous that you and your hubby are “settled” (earning your own money) while they have to depend on your fil for running their household. Secondly, to me they distinctly seem very irresponsible for depending on their father for expenses. Forget about supporting the parents but the least your bil and his wife should do is to make every effort to manage on their own by studying part time or working evenings or something.

    Having agreed with your concern, there is really nothing you can do to change their outlook. What you can do is to change your own attitude towards them.

    As far as possible ignore their comments. They don’t live with you, they don’t run your life so don’t waste your precious time and energy thinking about what they think. If they start off on a complaining spree just change the topic and start talking something else.Don’t take their comments to heart. Just do what you feel is right. If you feel very hurt while you are being taunted just reply to the person who is taunting you and say that you don’t like it or that you feel such and such. Don’t make it a long drawn finger pointing battle. Just let them know in short what you feel once in a while. Other times just let them have the pleasure of having the microphone to themselves!

    If your husband is on your side whatever your bil accuses you of doesn’t matter. Most of the times men will not side openly with the wife because that creates more problems. I think that is alright. As independent girls we should be able to handle these situations without any intervention from husband. The best way is to deal directly with the person you have conflict with. But do know which side your husband is on. It will give you strength and will avoid unnecessary conflict between husband and wife. Don’t expect your husband to stand up for you, defend you or mend things for you. If you must react to your bil’s comments, do it yourself. That way you have full control over how to react and what you want the end result to be.

    I can understand your concern about fil and mil having no money left for their old age. I think it is a valid concern considering that as their dil you are responsible for taking care of them in their old age. I agree with uns that it would be good to invite your fil and mil to stay with you for sometime. That will strengthen your bond with them (since you are already in their good books). This will also give you a chance to subtly broach the topic of bil’s dependency on them and find out their views.

    Most important thing here is to mostly ignore your bil’s comments, reply back once in a while when you know you are going to trouble yourself too much and enjoy life to the hilt because God has blessed you with all that you’d care for.

    SS
     
  8. krnind

    krnind Junior IL'ite

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    hi malyatha,

    we are here to help our IL, not to accuse her , when i read her problem i could feel her pain n restlessness about this situation.

    its not that she is jealous of her fil spending money on his BIL.. But the thing is that will her BIL help his father when he needs it?.. I give the gaurantee he will not such people will always think of themself and not others...

    Hi Aasa

    the only think u can do is dont worry about ur inlaws spending money... But just make ur BIL n co-sister and her parents know that u r not here to take their ****. they hv no right to talk to u like that. U have to take stand for ur self. dont expect ur husband to help u n dont put him in such situation that he has to choose wife or brother.

    U have to act fast

    KRN
     
  9. Malyatha

    Malyatha Gold IL'ite

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    We don't know that for sure, right?

    My point was not to attack her. My point was to tell her that she cannot really control her inlaws' spending patterns and ask that they not give any money to the BIL & Cosis. In fact, right or wrong, we DILs have to be very careful and respectful of boundaries. If a DIL is helping her parents monetarily and the inlaws object (even with reason - maybe the parents are taking advantage of daughter & son-in-law), the DIL will not relish it. It's the same with the DILs telling their PILs how to spend money. If she does have genuine concerns, she should address them to her husband and HE should take it up with his parents. That is how I would act if this was my situation, I am giving very honest feedback here based on how I would react. Of course, this might strain relationships between the brothers but it looks like they don't have a good relationship to begin with!

    And I still think her cosister's parents shouldn't be talking to her at all. Just like she cannot tell her inlaws how to spend their money, her cosisters' parents should not be talking to her. Aasa should hang up on them if they call again. They are just HARASSING her (and it is none of their business).
     
  10. aasawaree_b

    aasawaree_b New IL'ite

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    Hi Friends,

    Thank you so much for thinking about my problem, though it was posted quite some time back. Now I am settled in my job and enjoying it, and stopped thinking about the behaviour of BIL and co-sis. Occasionally, we speak formally, but it is no more than that. My BIL and co-sis make a point not to call us, it's only us who have been calling them & in-laws, since last 3-4 months. I feel it's best to ignore them as they are far away from us.

    Malyatha,
    I just want to make it clear that I absolutely have nothing to do with what my BIL or co-sis do with their lives, provided they do it with their own money. I don't care if they study or not. My only conern is that my BIL is not ashamed of spending his old father's money. In fact, we should financially help our parents in their old age, and not take away their savings. It's not the same as a DIL giving money to her parents. We must respect our elders and help them in their old age. Everyone has right to help old parents with self-earned money. Parents give us good education to help us settle in our career. It's highly unethical and irresponsible to expect our parents to pay for our studies after we start our family and have a kid. I wonder why my BIL did not think before leaving his job and doing a full-time Ph.D, when he very well knew that he won't be able to support them. It's not just the financial help, but the overall attitude of my BIL that used to make me upset. Imagine my old FIL babysitting their little son like a maid. We all know how much we need to run after kids. If my FIL had enough money, would he not arrange for a maid instead?

    I had to request my MIL to stay with me because my husband was not staying with me, and I had to alone manage my job and kid. Initially, I tried to manage on my own for a few days, but found that I was not able to cope with it, and fell sick quite often. My job demanded 10-12 hours a day, plus sending my daughter to school, her homework, cooking etc. - if I had tried to continue in this manner, I would have been jobless in a short time. That's when I requested my MIL to stay with me. And moreover, she also stayed happily with me. She also knew that if she stayed with my BIL, she would have to do most of the household work. At least with me, she was treated like a MIL and a grandmother. In fact, right from the beginning, she did not like my BIL's idea of doing a full-time Ph.D. Many people do it while working as lecturers.

    Considering my BIL's mentality, it seems highly impossible to me that he would take any responsibility of his parents when they'll really need his help. My co-sister's parents and other relatives also come up with new ideas of spending my FIL's money. Recently, just after I left India, her younger brother stayed in their house for a few months to do some computer course. My co-sis comes from a big joint family, and has a lot of uncles, aunties and cousins. Every other day, someone or the other from her family keeps visiting my in-laws, and my MIL has to cook for them. In fact, my sis-in-law (my husband's sister - she's younger than my husband, and older than BIL - she's married and settled in her family - a very good-natured girl, never bad-mouthes anyone and never bothers her parents or brothers) told me recently that she does not feel like going to BIL's house, because there's always someone or the other from my co-sister's family, and so she feels like an outsider in their place. She makes a point to call her parents to her place, and never visits them.

    My MIL keeps telling me how much she misses me and my daughter. I and my husband know very well that we will have to take care of my in-laws when they'll really need us. I have started saving extra money for this purpose. Now my BIL is planning to sell my in-laws' old house and a few other plots and buy a new flat for him. But we both have stopped thinking and worrying about my BIL and devrani. We feel that it's best to act/save money than keep worrying or fighting.

    Please note that it's WRONG to expect money or help in household chores from old parents. But it's not wrong to expect mental/emotional support from them. In fact, any parent would be more than glad to give mental support to well-behaving and responsible children.

    Friends, thanks again for your advise and concern. I am following many of these tips and have changed my thinking to overcome this problem, because my BIL and Devrani are beyond repairs! :bang

    Love you all,
    Aasa :wave
     

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