Problem in the initial days of getting married

chinmaya · Jul 9, 2007

I am recently married(two months back) and it was a pure arranged marriage.But i got to talk to him even six months before marriage when everything got finalised from both the family side.We just have 11 months age diifernce(he is 25 now).We both liked each other very much and i shifted my job to his place which i couldnt resist doing it.

He was just mad(more than anyone could imagine) of me before marriage and after marriage it is reduced(I feel i am not sure).I am still the same with him.He doesnt express anything.And reacts very blunt at times.I am a very expressive person and react for everything and i cant hide things from me atleast to the closed ones.Sometimes i get so depressed that i can not do anything and had sleepless nights too....Started feeling very empty.
I live with my IL's and he is the only son.My IL's pamper him a lot,lot,lot... and expect me also to do the same.I dont have any problem with them personally.They treate me good.

But i feel he is really a good human being,a good Son but not a good husband.I love him a lot and the same with him.

I spoke about this to him many times.He feels bad that moment and asks sorry but forget with that.And continue the same after a while.Since we both are working we will not have much time.But in that time we get he cares about the entire world,spends time with all but not me.I could hardly remember the time we spent alone after marriage allthough we went to honeymoon(a little hectic trip)...I get schocks at times as i have seen my cousins being very happy at the initial stages of marriage.But i love him a lot and i wanted to live a very happy life with him.He also wants the same.
But it hurts very badly when he comes inside the bedroom and just sleeps off when i really want to spend sometime with him

I am loosing my confidence slowly and feeling very empty and lonely.Help me to come out of this.

CSLakshmi3005 · Jul 9, 2007

Re: Immediate Suggestion Required!

Hi chinmaya!
hey dont worry too much.. these happen with most of the newly married girls esp with the girls who have "arranged" marariage..
remember most of the men are not expressive in nature.. and one more thg plp are diffrent in courtship days....

as u said" But i feel he is really a good human being,a good Son but not a good husband.I love him a lot and the same with him."
u know that he loves u.. have confidence.. it will take some time to open UP...
u cant expect results in the next moment.. u have expressed ur concern.. give him some time ...

".I get schocks at times as i have seen my cousins being very happy at the initial stages of marriage"
remember each person experience in the world is diffrent.stop comparing.. and enjoy all the moments u get...

be positive... have patience...

Sindhuja · Jul 9, 2007

Re: Immediate Suggestion Required!

Hi, Chinmaya,
I just read your post. As CSLakshmi said be patient and think positive. May be your husband has lot of work pressure and he is so tired. Give him some time. But at the same time, monitor all his activities. See how he is behaving with your in-laws. Ask him to share if he has any pressure in the office. But do not nag.

P.S: Do not expect too much, coz each individual is different. Some people more emotional and some are not.
best wishes,
Sindhuja

chinmaya · Jul 10, 2007

Re: Immediate Suggestion Required!

Yes.I agree to both of you.but it is little difficult to experience if he doesnt bother to spend even 5 mins in a day for me as i left the entire world(my best parents and friends) and living with him wholeheartedly.

But he spends atleast half an hour with his dad and mom and i will also be there sometimes.But i expect my private time which he will not even realize until and otherwise i tell him.I feel i am forcing him a lot to get thigs done which i dint want to do.

And i want to set my expectations correct at the start of the relationship itself otherwise it will hurt me more and i am little sensitive natured.

Anyways let me wait for some more time patiently.

rajmiarun · Jul 10, 2007

Re: Immediate Suggestion Required!

Hi,
I too had the same experience. My husband is the youngest of 4 and is the darling of the family as he was a premature baby too. So every one even his SILs that is my co-sisters pamper him a lot and he was and is the darling of all his siblings and my FIL. (We are married for 10 years).

Dont loose heart he will definitely be your darling loving husband. As you have said that he is the only son definitely he will be in a fix to show his love and affection towards you when your inlaws are around. Dont worry about that. When you both were apart before marriage, it is like you want to meet each other, but now you both are together so that longing alone is reduced.

Also dont expect him to be so romantic when your inlaws are around. Also you too pamper him in front of your inlaws and slowly they themselves will start telling your husband to show his love and affection to you too.

geeta79 · Jul 14, 2007

Re: Immediate Suggestion Required!

Hey chinmaya,

Dont worry, i can totally understand ur situation. I was in the same situation wen i was married 7 months back. My husband had just one months leave and then he had to be back in saudi for his job. In that one month we had to go for our honeymoon and also he had to finish off some of the pending work that was left in our new flat. He was so firm in finishing off the pending work of our new flat that he somehow ingored me many times. He wouldnt pay attention to me, wen i needed at that time, wouldnt have the time to pamper me or spend time with me. Even i was very frustrated for that period, specially thinking that it was just the first month after our marriage and he's acting weirdly. But after some time it became cool. He himself admitted that he had given more importance to the pending work than me at that time wen i shud have been given the most importance. And even i could understand that he didnt do it purposely, It was just becoz of work and other pressures that he couldnt spent quality time with me.

So just understand that there's still hope. Ya wat other ladies have advised is true that men dont normally express their feelings in front of others, especially in front of In-Laws. So dont expect any romance from ur husband in front of in-laws. Also there may be work or some other pressures that he is not giving all the attention that u need. Just give him some time and shower all ur love on him. Im sure he will realise wat he's doing and love u back the same way.

Regards,
Geeta.

WesternDevi · Aug 26, 2007

I have seen and I am also reading here that living in the same house as parents really inhibits a new husband from expressing his love for the wife which is THE MOST important thing in the early stages (first couple of years) of a marriage.

I am reading here that in-laws can even scold or make teasing remarks to newly-weds who spend too much time together. Excuse me, what are they supposed to do? They are young, just married and their hormones are running wild. I would scold them if they weren't making love all day and night!

I know that in our culture most men will continute to live with their parents and bring us brides home to live their as well, however, I feel that if it is at all financially possible, a newly married couple should spend their first year living completely alone without any family members in their space to create an intimate bond. Then after a year or two they can move back into the family home.